Pines Pages

[Dora]

Thanks Dema....sometimes I'm so humbled that I don't know what to say. Humbly grateful for your kind words.

Graduation is over. Seeing her at the top of the stairs in her cap and gown was breathtaking. "My baby girl," kept passing through my mind. When she walked past me with out looking at me she said, "1,000 pictures Mom?!" Then with out turning her head looked at me. I quick did a check to see if I was possibly embarrassing my baby girl. When I realized I wasn't. I smiled and said to her, "Nope! 1,000 and One!" Click! She smiled and laughed and I clicked a few more.

At one point I thought someone opened a faucet with in my tear ducts. I couldn't stop crying. When I would get it under control someone would say something and I'd be crying again.

As the group of black caps and gowns took their seats up front, I in the front row over looking my girl, it was as if 18 years began passing before my eyes and I wondered how did we get to this point in life!!! Where did the baby girl go?! As if it were today I could see her in her little pony tales and a fist full of flowers skipping and singing to a song she just made up. I saw her crawling, I saw her as that tiny tiny baby cuddled up in my arms at 5am for yet another early morning feeding. I couldn't seem to put her down and held her and sang to her and prayed over her as the sun came up, there in that rocking chair. Oh where did those days go. The pictures on the sidewalks made of chalk. The year she worked so hard at learning to jump rope. Watching her run around the play ground playing tag. Comforting her through the heart aches of when all her friends turned against her. Trying to reassure her that one day things will be better. Praying with her for a friend. Oh the times when she would burst through the door after school to fill me in on the fun she had with her new friend that day. Talking a mile a minute because there was somethings she has been waiting all day to do. I couldn't help but to smile and giggle a little as she'd rush off to do this super exciting thing. And there we were today as she walked across the stage as they called her name. Her eyes directed to me the entire time. As if one last time to say, "Look at me mommy." After they tossed their hats I joined her and her friends so I could capture a few last moments with her class mates. Thinking she would be so interested in her friends and would want me kept at a distance, I found her instead searching through the crowd for me. "Mommy I'm right here!" *giggle* We hugged then she made a comment of me crying through the ENTIRE program. Her dad and I gave her a ring to commemorate the moment. I think it helped ease her mind. It was three pieces, yet they were linked together. One ring stood for her parents, one ring stood for her, and one ring for God. We are all separate yet will always be connected.

I saw a picture of her walking through the green grass with her little pink shoes and pink crop pants. Smiling, always smiling. Even when she fell down she wasn't sad for very long. "Step by step," entered my mind. Yes! We got here step by step. It is those step by step processes that makes a lasting memory.

[Dora]

I've been having moments of a thought that stops me in my tracks and steals my breath. Not a bad thought, but a thought of what I must do.

I had quietly slipped into a mission group that goes to Mexico to minster to a home of orphans. One home is teen girls, most are moms. Most molested by family. They have a past of abuse. They are at the crossing roads of a decision. To be like what they know or to choose a path that they've never seen or walked. I was once at that cross road. With in me I have a testimony for them. My hands tremble as I type this. Just thinking about it is slightly over whelming yet at the same time invigorating to my spirit to take to them hope. Hope that life can be different. Hope that God can give them a family that loves them. Hope in how Christ sees them despite their battle wounds.

This mission group knows nothing about the message I carry with in me. So the breath taking, step stopping thoughts, that I will have to tell them IF I am going to go through with this. I've been waking in the night with a gasp because even at night my mind is aware of this task that lies before me. What will I tell the group of missionaries? What will I not tell them? Who will I begin with? How will I begin telling them? When will I tell them? What if I tell them to much? What if I tell them to little? What if they think my testimony is to unreal to believe. After all this stuff doesn't happen in our safe country with it's white picket fences, perfectly trimmed lawns, sidewalks with out cracks or dandelion weeds growing up with in them. Our 2.5 children, friendly dog that doesn't ever seen to get flees and our house cats that never seem to shed hair in our perfectly decorated and tended houses. Oh wait......that's Leave It To Beaver. But in the world of sheltered people they don't know this life style that I lived. There is the appearance that all is well.

I once made a comment to a state trouper that our town is crime free. With a quick stern glance my direction he soften to half a smile as he said for me to keep on believing that and he will keep on doing his job. I took a deep breath as I realized I to had falling into the mind set that what I don't see doesn't happen.

So well there I was yesterday opportune moment, the right person, the time was right to begin the conversation. I turned to the Lord in fear like a little child ready to get up on stage turning to her daddy as he says, "take it." I took it. I picked up my head and said I have a story with in me that I think will be a testimony to these young girls. A story very simular to theirs. The woman raised a brow and tiled her head and kindly spoke, "Oh really?" as if to say to me, go on. I began with a little. She leaned back and folded her arms and leaned back as she processed how this does perhaps relate. The old me at that moment would of said, never mind! As the inner child was seeking shelter from having her very fragile package that contains her past rejected. Deep breath and I went on. And on. And on. Stopping from time to time to see if I should hold back and not share any portion of my testimony from her. I kept feeling these girls in this orphanage need to hear this and the path to taking it there is through this woman who is standing in front of me. I have her attention captivated. Now if she will see that behind my message a worth while message. After all they will have to invest time and money into my testimony. After I shared she was quiet. Her eyes red. Her arms fell to her side as she turned to me and started putting together in her mind how this trip will take place. A two day speaking engagement where they would get a translator to translate my story into spanish. The first day I would share my past. The relating part. Where I capture their attention. Being a foreigner I can capture their attention easier than someone they are familiar with. They will be hungry for a message of hope this outsider would bring. Then the second day the message of what their future can hold.

Now if this message is going to be taken and shared to these young women I will need to share with the rest of the mission group and find financing. Which one will be more difficult? If it's Gods will these hurdles can be jumped.

Yesterday was my daughters graduation party. We had over 100 people come. The house was decorated in her school colors with all her awards and honors and achievements displayed. From kindergarten on up through twelfth grade. People stayed hours past the parties ending. I was thrilled they felt comfortable enough and was enjoying themselves enough that they stayed that long. Some family came and was very cold. Which was difficult. I once would of crumbled and became uneasy and wondered what is wrong with me that they are treating me like this! But the new me just smiled and focused my time and attention on the many people who loved my family enough to spend the entire Saturday afternoon and evening with us. And the amount of those who wanted our company greatly surpassed those who are harshly judgmental.

With all the dishes done and the house put back together I was never the more happier to finally sit down and put my feet up. The phone rang. My sisters voice on the other end. She burst into tears as she told me I was her only hope. I kept asking what can I do. She wants everyone to fix her life. While she takes advantage, steals from, and even abuses the children of those who are trying to help her. No one can help her anymore. Because she won't help herself. She was in an accident and "nearly died." So she spent the night in jail. Where the police, "Beat her up." She went home to her ex boyfriend who, "Beat her up." He is a very soft hearted gentle spoken man who has allowed her to take advantage and mistreat him. I can not imagine him ever lifting a hand to her. It would of been the first time. But then who am I to go by what appears to be when I know full well a "good ole boy" is not a good ole boy when others aren't looking. She said the police lied and said she blew twice the legal limit. They don't just lie and beat up women and toss them in jail. She swore she didn't have a drink. As she begged me to help her press charges. I knew this was not the answer to her troubles.

When I asked where she was calling from she said our uncles. The uncle who not only hurt me but hurt many. The uncle that tried to rape her. He will give her her addictions but she will pay terribly. Knowing on the other end of the phone lurked the atmosphere of this uncle made my skin crawl. I couldn't hardly talk to her as I know she knows what he has done yet is willing to be there. I don't know if I'm angry, upset, grieved, or all of those at once over her choice to live with this man. I don't know what to do but shake my head and walk away.

Her voice sounded like my dads and the words she spoke were the exact words he spoke. My aunt went through this with my dad is it perhaps my turn to go through this with my sister. She hung up the phone with a sarcastic, "I see how it is. I love you TO!" Click. My heart sank as I don't know if me being her only hope and not giving her anything she wanted to cling to would be the last straw that she uses to take her life. I don't know how her evening ended. If she chose to hold on for another day. I can not call there. I won't call there. Picking up that phone to call that house would be putting myself into a whirl wind that would set me back for days or weeks or longer. I no longer have a counselor to fall back on. I have to take care of myself as well so I don't struggle like I did before. Some things are just to much. Because she is choosing poorly doesn't mean I must hurt myself to try to reach her. Not when she doesn't want reached, she just wants her addiction, to control others homes, to have life her way, to not work or help others but have others give to her everything she wants and more. She doesn't want the cross. She doesn't want healed. She only wants her addiction at any cost.

[dema]

Wow! Lots there sis.

[Dora]

Last night I had one nightmare after another of men coming after me to hurt me. I woke in a panic and almost woke up my spouse so I could curl up safe in his arms. But he was sleeping so soundly and had to be up early for work after going to bed late.

Then this big worn stump was in my dream. It came alive and seemed to be after me as well.

Well anyhow it's just a dream. Thankfully. There's no reason to hold onto it now.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Dear sister Pine,
I'm so sorry you had those dreams, I cannot speak for him but the only time I got irritated when my wife woke me was when she did it spitefully,( i was sleeping and she couldn't or I was snoring ) but had she ever woke me for those reasons I would have gladly wrapped my arms around her and held her, that's what we are for
She actually had a panic attack at night once that woke me (she would run and hide in the bathroom most times)
and it made me sad to see it and all I wanted to do was hold her and comfort her.
without getting rude or disrespectful, this is what I told her there were 4 reasons for her to NEVER hesitate to wake me,
first danger of course, second the kids, third if she needed me (nightmares- panic attack) forth.....ok enough of that let's move on, I guess I'm saying some men like me would feel robbed if she didn't wake me, I actually told her that.
we (i) wanted to be her protector so if she went through something of that sort I felt like she didn't need me to be what I was here to be for her.
sorry if I offend anyone JUST being honest about love and marriage as God had intended it to be.
I pray your night in shinning armor comes and fights off all the bad guys and burns the old stump and you ride off in his arms (all this in your dreams of course wouldn't want hubby to get jealous ) if not wake him up
You are a strong woman and I admire you for being who you are and how you are
seriously I pray that God will take these dreams from you and replace them with dreams of good things.
with much love
Cuc

[Dora]

Thank you both for your kind responses.

@ CUCs snoring. I'm certain he wouldn't of minded but I love him and didn't want to disturb the little sleep he was getting.

Someone else suggested the stump was my past. And I had felt that even in the dream the stump was my past.

There's much I've not dealt with. Which is terrifying to me to know one day I will have to. Today I did allow a little bit to unfold and it gave me an answer as to why I do something that I do. Why there is a certain temptation that is common in my sister and I.

Well anyhow. Nuff of that.

Today allowed me another opportunity to be stronger than I've ever been and stand up for myself and it felt good. I was told I did well. But inside I knew I was enjoying seeing the offender squirm when I put my foot down and wouldn't take the behavior that was being dealt to me. That is not a God thing to enjoy it. That is a selfish, humanly thing that shouldn't reside with in me. Then some rebel started finding it's way out of me. Making a small appearance that went unnoticed by everyone, except me. I knew I was filled with rebellion and left unchecked I could hurt someone. As my rebellious side has done way to often in the past. The last thing on earth I want to do is hurt someone. So the rebellious little girl inside was given a glass of milk to calm her down.

I got a phone call today that totally caught me off guard. A person I'd never talked to before in person. She called me and prayed for me. I struggled a few times during the conversation to not cry. It was just that touching. That was the highlight of my day. Like a shining jewel in the midst of ashes. A little, "I love you this much.." from God and His faithful servant. Yeah...I'm going to hang on to that thought for the evening. Selah.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

{I'm certain he wouldn't of minded but I love him and didn't want to disturb the little sleep he was getting.}I know you wouldn't because that is you, I just know from my experience I wished she had woke me (and I love to sleep )
{I knew I was enjoying seeing the offender squirm when I put my foot down and wouldn't take the behavior that was being dealt to me. That is not a God thing to enjoy it. That is a selfish, humanly thing that shouldn't reside with in me.}But does it make you any less because you did....NO, God understands more than anyone what you went through and He understands your HUMAN feelings, it is my opinion that you have EVERY right to feel the way you felt and your feelings afterward proves you ARE a good person.
You know as I was writting this He gave me something else to tell you, I'm not the best at scripture but the story of Jesus at the temple when He saw the merchants disrespecting the temple, isn't it some what the same as your story...they were disrespecting you ie your body ie His temple, did He not get angry with them, it was not that He did not love them as His people but He was upset that they disrespected His fathers house (hope this made some sense it sound good as I heard it in my head)

{The last thing on earth I want to do is hurt someone.} Sis anyone who has had the pleasure to get to know you KNOWS that about you, PLEASE never doubt you ARE a great person that I along with alot of others here are PROUD to call thier sister AND friend!
May God bless you sis
with much love
Cuc

[xxJILLxx]

Agree with cuc.

I see alot of Him in those words He shared to you

God bless you Pine.

[Lani]

What they said ^^



Peace n Luv in Christ,
Lani

[Dora]

Thank you all. I have tried to reply a few times but end up just deleting.

I was driving down the road today and stopped at a light. Like in slow motion a car passed and the woman driving looked eye to eye at me as she drove past. And smiled. A gentle, smile. I wondered by the look on her face if she could see the struggle with in me. I wished just this complete stranger and I could sit down and that she'd let me unload everything. The light changed and I drove on. I felt that gentle nudging, "You've got me. I will listen." But I'm angry. I'm angry for being put in this situation again. Not at Him. But it keeps me from Him.

I'm overwhelmed. My children are so busy. College and jobs and clubs and church. I worry and worry. Then I realize, they are big kids now. They made the choice and don't need mom to walk them to where they have to go.

Then when the anger mixes with the overwhelming, all I can do is cry. I drove away from that stop light and tears rolled up in my eyes. I couldn't find my boy at drivers training. More tears. I couldn't find my other boy at his job, more tears. Then the feeling of I've got to keep it together and not let anyone see! Everything is just overwhelming. I don't feel God is in this. I feel the devil has sent a huge burden to distract me from the important things in life. And it has to be removed and soon.

Yesterday I took the two toddlers outside in the green grass and blew bubbles while the sun light warmed our cheeks. The babies laughed and did silly things. I laughed and laughed and fell in love with the precious little ones. One would dive into my arms and tumble around in my lap. Then with a quick glance and a sparkle in his eye he'd run off to chase a bubble, find a truck in the sand box or zoom around in the cozy coupe. For those moments I was at peace. It was a heavenly peace until my mind reminded me of the struggles. I can not have fun, or enjoy anyone with out the interruption of the presence of a wayward teen who seems to have the ever present desire to take me down. He is not mine. My children are protectors. Then here's the two year old, who can not share, offering me the green truck. A few words babbled, that I'm sure was, "Look I'm sharing the GREEN TRUCK with you," and off he ran. Now for those of you who do not know this child, he will stand at the toilet and not let go of his toilet paper, throw his head back and scream, "It's Mine!!!!" "Yes, It is yours. But it's dirty and needs to go down the toilet now." Severe issues with the "mine" stage. And the truck, not the car, the truck. Not the blue one, not the white one, the GREEN one...he shared with me. He stopped to point out, it's the green one. In adult terms this is like handing over the keys to your red corvet to someone else to take for a drive. Not the white corvet, or the blue one, the red one! Wow! I'm that special in the life of this tiny little tot. Then he stopped and turned, his eye on the green truck that I held in MY hand and I could see as if his heart stopped and his little mind was perhaps thinking, "What did I do!" He raced back to me, as if he wanted to snatch it out of my hand. But controlled himself. He poised and looked at me. I'm certain tears would of came to his little blue eyes if I hesitated. I smiled and handed it to him while saying, "You shared with me. Now I'm sharing with you." Oh how delighted he was to have the green truck back in his little hands. I'm certain you'd feel the same if I drove back in with your red corvet and handing you back your keys. Those moments when a tiny little human can overcome the flesh and give to me his most favorite toy warms my heart and remind me life is worth living. I'm glad I was here, to give a lap, some bubble fun in the sun, and friendship to those two little tots. I feel like I'm grasping at straws to find reminders why life is good. Sometimes it's when life gets ruff that we are able to slow down and appreciate the things in life that are really good. Like the lovely birds that sing outside my window during nap time. And the humongous bubble bee that seemed certain he belonged on my side of the screened window. I'm glad for that screen! The glowing rays of sun. The gentle falling rain. The smell, the many wondrous smells of summer. The gentle satin feeling of a flower petal. The brilliant greens, yellows, oranges, blues, and reds in the flowers and the summer birds. The chubby robin landing in the drive with nearly a thump. A glance around as if to say, "Stand back, the worms are all mine!" The chick-a-dee. One of my favorites. Because they weather out the winter with me. After a winter storm their little tracks can be found in the newly fallen snow. They aren't afraid to flit around from the snow covered tree limbs. Watching them is as if they are saying, "See it's ok. We all survived the storm." But we don't have to worry about that now. Now is the time of great rest from the troubles winter brings. A time to get dirty while planting. A time of watching for strawberry buds to change into brilliant red sweet berries, ready for the picking and eating and jamming. A time for apple blossoms to tumble through the air. A time for lilac and poppies and the beginning of the daisies and the dandelions sprinkling the fields with their yellow manes. A time for kites and gentle breezes and sand between our toes. And crack of the baseball hitting the bat. The cheer from the crowd. Popcorn and soda pop sucked through straws. A time with friends and family. A time to relax and rest as well as a time for hard physical labor. A time for sheets on the clothes line and butterflies. I was able to enjoy a beautiful yellow one the other day through the eyes of a little girl. She gasped as she saw it. Then held perfectly still even holding her breath in hopes it would land on her nose. No such luck. But the hope that it was possible gave her step a little hop and a skip as we made our way to the field to find some flowers for her mommy. I enjoyed those moments with her. I smiled the entire time and breathed easier.

[pineapple-lump555]

love you twinnie

[Dora]

I love you to twinnie. love seeing you around.

I'm overwhelmed. My children are so busy. College and jobs and clubs and church. I worry and worry. Then I realize, they are big kids now. They made the choice and don't need mom to walk them to where they have to go.

Well that didn't last long! My boys went down state with the boy scout troops in the area to work for Nascar to earn money for their troop. I tossed and turned all night. The pain of them being so far away and me unable to know they are safe was to much. We packed up Friday and went down as well. As soon as we pulled into the parking lot I felt so much better. Peace resided with in again. I could see my babies were all safe and happy.

We had a good weekend together. We worked together to park cars for Michigan International Speedway. Was fun. Ok it was miserable! But we laughed a lot. There was a guy in the camp that I found to act a lot like the character Sid on Disneys Ice Age. He had me and every one else around laughing so hard. We'd get on the tram, sometimes I'd get on the front and he on the back. I'd think whew I have some space between us, maybe I can let my brain rest a while but oh no here'd come this voice above all others telling the attendant something like push me off or something that would make the entire tram laugh. I'm still not sure if he realized just how funny he was.

A few not so pleasant things happened but I'm over it. Ok I'm not so over it, but I didn't hide in the tent all weekend cause of it, I got back out there and kept strong.

Watching the cars zoom past with a sound loud enough to damage your hearing I heard that familiar voice with in, "Reminds you of another race doesn't it." I think I replied, "Hu?" And the picture of us running our race came to mind. I could feel the anxiousness in the air as the pace car led the racers around the track. And I wondered where did my anxiousness to run my race go? It's like I made a pit stop and just waiting for certain things in my life to get knocked out so I can get back in the race. Knocking out the dents isn't fun. I admit my communication and time with the Lord has been less than it has been in a long long time. Where'd I go? Behind a wall of anger. Not angry at Him. Heavens no. So there I sat in the bleachers at Nascar having a quiet time with the Lord. "Look up." I looked up and saw the black helicopter circling the track. They keep a close eye on everything up there. Reminded me of a dark thing we have hanging over us, watching our every move.

Considering doing it again in August. Probably will, but not sure yet. It's a long, hot, uncomfortable weekend. Yes Hot! It's hot down state! Got home and it was a high of 61 today. As if there is some sort of line the hot weather won't cross. I'm not complaining! Ok I am! But it's summer. It should be warmer than 61! I know all those suffering the 100 degrees would love to trade me, but cold gets old. Some heat would be nice. I didn't complain about the heat while down state. Well not much anyhow.

Glad the site got back up. Night all.