Christianity Oasis Forum

[JTucker801]

By way of accountability, I've had to start my 40-day chart all over again. I suppose that is normal for someone who is sincerely trying, to not see success overnight, but for me it was a disappointment. I confessed my fault before God and am making efforts that represent my repentance. But I have noticed a rather disturbing pattern. Every time I think of my wife, in particular how much I miss being with her, that's the moment I fall. In a way, I suppose it was appropriate that this happened before I read SS12, because the more I try to move away from the problem, the emotional turmoil seems to intensify. It makes me think whether or not I want to reconcile with her.

This past Sunday, my pastor was speaking about The Portion and The Cup. He said that the purpose of our portion is to fill our cup and cause the filling to overflow. The cup is the vessel holding the portion. He also said that when we don't know how to manage the cup, we tend to lose the portion. He used Sampson as an example. Sampson's story seems a lot like my story. I looked back in my past and now it does not seem so strange that my wife gave me as much grief as I had. Much like Sampson's pattern of bad choices was established before Delilah, my bad choice-making was established long before my wife. I often chose women who are extremely selfish, self-righteous, spoiled, combative, insecure, manipulative, disloyal, unfaithful, materialistic, superficial, standardistic, bitter, unforgiving, and vessels who refuse to let go of their own past. I can't seem to look past the surface (their looks, their initial 'acts' of friendship, their seeming to seek a 'good man' to love them, and their feigned faith in a relationship with me) for the drive to get what I thought I wanted. To know that I have done this 23 times in my life is rather depressing. It reaaly makes me feel that much more unworthy of anything. I don't know how I am attracting this to my life, but I hate it that I am.

I do not expect by the time my 14 days are up that my problems will be solved. This experience has been enlightening and encouraging, but it has also been sobering. I'm discovering that although I'm in the family of God, I have a mountain of issues within me, and that grieves me. I don't know whether or not I will ever be free of these issues, if I will truly find any success in my life or have a successful relationship or family, or whether I will ever have enough wealth to be as generous as I want to be, or even if any ministry I set out to do will be successful. I'm not doubting God - I'm doubting me.

All I can seem to think about is how the Holy Spirit will not dwell in an unclean vessel, and that's how I feel, like an unclean vessel. I have tried many things to keep the temptations away from me, but I've not yet had the level of success to keep it away permanently. Plus, I want to get rid of these issues, but I can't seem to. I sure hope I can lay this grief at the feet of Jesus, because it's weighing heavy on me today.

[JTucker801]

I was depressed this morning until I read the Falling Down Study. I had a great laugh at the first poem as I discovered that I am part of the Clumsy Believers Club (I changed the name. I hope you guys don't mind.) I will be reading SS13 and SS14, and the entry for SS14 will probably be my last here. But I am making online entries elsewhere, because you guys have given me the courage to face the world with God's spotlight on me, faults and all. I even found myself seeing myself giving a crowd of clones of me a testimony singing MArvin Sapp's Song "The Best In Me". You guys have helped me see that God only sees the best in me and wants the best for me. I will print out each Stepping Stone, keep them in a folder and repeat each step every 2 weeks until God tells me to stop.

BTW, the blog I am starting is called THIS IS MY WALK. I also have another one called SHARING ENDURING LOVE

[Dora]

The way you absorb and apply Gods word is amazing.

Way to go bro!

May God bless and keep you.

[JTucker801]

I made it. I didn't make it perfectly, but I made it. This is one victory God gave me that I can claim. For once, I finished something and gained something as a result - hope. Tomorrow begins the quest for the more perfect two weeks. I'm off to bed happy. BTW Thanks Cool for the support and kindness. I am extremely tired and the headache is finally wearing off, so I'm going to bed.

[Dora]

Congradulations!!!!!



I think a celebration is in order!

Hope you consider some of the others studies found here. There's so much more!