Christianity Oasis Forum

[hannahlostsheep]

Each day that I wake, I struggle just to get out of bed. Not just because I am depressed but also because I suffer from brain seizures that occur several times weekly. Some mornings just getting dressed is like trying to scale a mountain. My brain doesn't always send signals to my body. When this occurs it is called a sysnapsis. Most mornings when I think I can stand and walk to the Kitchen for breakfast, I fall after a few steps. Collasping to the floor. Sometimes I call out to my roommate for help to get up back onto my bed. But mostly I will just lie there and question God. I ask him if he is testing me as he had allowed the Devil to test Job. I truely feel as if I am reliving the life of Job.
When I was 18, I went to tech school to become a certified nursing assistant and worked in several nursing homes to include residental contracts. These contracts were for those who were confined to home but did not want to commit to a nursing home. Later I went back to school and began my education in tubular mechanical engineering in which I finished getting my bachelors degree thru the military. When I turned 21, I joined the Army and became a 63 bravo (light wheel vehicle mechanic). I thought I was ahead of the GAME. You know what I mean when I say, "The Game" THE WORLD, to be exact. When my battle buddy would greet me before P.T. (physical training) she would say, "How's things going?" and I would always reply. "Surving the Game!". And in a way You could say that I had been surviving the Game. I served for 8 years. I joined because my Dad was a soldier in the Marines, but I wanted to be more than just a SOLDIER. So I went Airborn, Air assualt, and finally sniper schooling while stationed at USAG Wiesbaden Military Training Area, Mainz Gonsenheim/Mombach, Germany.
I survived having been shot in the knee by a sniper in Somalia, and being hit by an IED in Bosnia. "Just Surving the Game!" Then after exiting the Army. I learned to Drive a Semi Tractor trailer. A big Rig! Yep lil' ol' me, driving a Semi pulling a 53 ft. Trailer. I drove for 9 years. All 48 states to include Canada and as far south as Mexico City. I honestly even drove the Ice Roads in Alaska, for two years before I had to retire due to my brain seizures. I went from driving for companies like Covenant transport, Swift, and Snider to owning 3 trucks and having 5 employees. While owning my own trucking company I also started my own transportation brokerage and found my own frieght and cut out the middle man for more profit. This inabled me to pay my drivers better wages and pay for more of their health insurance premiums. In my lifetime I have lived in 14 different countries and 19 states.
After all I had accomplished in Life and how hard and how good I worked at "Surving the Game", Here I am now 40 years old and in an electric wheel chair. With a decision each day whether to keep on living or to just give up. I'll be honest. I haven't been on line here at Chrisianity Oasis consistently for over 3 months because I did try to commit suicide. I was and am still tired of trying to "Survive the Game". Ocassionally I was allowed internet access while I was committed to the hospital. But the last thing I wanted was God. Or anything to do with God.
I was sick of trying to learn to walk again day in and day out. Trying to find words so as to put a sentence together after a brain seizure. For days after a brain seizure I'm like a toddler. My body doesn't want to function I have to learn how to do everything all over again. Your're probalbly wondering how I can write this blog. That's when you KNOW that you KNOW you have a really good friend who can translate and put into words all the things you want to say, even when you are having trouble finding the right words. When your brain doesn't want to cooperate. When you used to be able to do algebra in you head and figure up fuel mileagle and ETA's in seconds without a calulator. But now you don't even want to go online and chat because someone might call you retarded like my 19 year old son did this past Friday. I know he didn't mean it. He to get's frustrated cause he know's I'm not the Mom he used to have. The Mom who was proud to serve her country and wasn't afraid to go into battle. The Mom who fixed the neighbors car when it wouldn't start. The Mom who would roll into Town with a 2006 379 long nose extended cab peterbuilt that sounded like a freight train because I ran straight pipes on my dual exhausts so everybody would hear me coming! LOL! The Mom who would play basket ball and Soccer with her 3 kids, and the Mom who was Mom to all the Kids in the neighborhood no matter where we were stationed or where we lived!
So this is why I am trying to SURVIVE SUICIDE. In just the last Year I have lost my home,my job,my ability to walk more than 25 feet, thought processing, and just day to day simple tasks. And sometimes I even think I have lost the ability to believe that my Savior cares enough about me to Save me from myself.
Trying to SURVIVE SUICIDE is the hardest thing I have ever had to try to accomplish in my life and I only pray that I suceed in this journey as I have suceeded in so many things throughout my life. Lord please be with me as I continue to try and "SURVIVE THE GAME"!

[Dora]

Hannah I'm glad you shared. I just want to give you a big hug and remind you suicide is not the answer. Leave your son with the legacy that his mom survived this. You haven't taken the easy way out through all these difficult times in life. When others would of said they did enough, you kept pressing forward. Keep pressing forward sister.

You've been on my mind often lately. Now I know why. Praying for you.

[hannahlostsheep]

When I went to church Sunday all I could do was hold my hands up to Jehovah God and Cry! I cried the whole service. I'm not sure if I was crying tears of sorrow, joy, thankfulness or just tears of relief that I was able to stand and praise my Lord.A prayer can not be answered unless you first have the courage to pray!
hannahlostsheep


Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2009 12:16 am
Location: Destin. Florida
Private message

Peace be with you Hannah. The first thing I would have you to know is that God does love you, and wants you to believe in him, and in his power, and in his Word. Most often when Jesus was to heal someone, he would first ask them; " Do you believe."
Don't ever let the enemy persuade you that God does not care about you, because that is a lie. It is written; God is not willing that any should perish, but that all men would come to repentance.

Alot of times the Lord will allow things to happen in our lives for a reason, and most often this reason is to humble us. Job was a righteous man before God, and God even allowed Satan to touch his flesh and afflict him. Most of us cannot boast of our own righteousness like Job, but the message given to us in Job is important. Also keep in mind that the Lord does not want what is on the outside, that corruptable fleshy part. God wants what is on the inside, your very heart and your soul. Most certainly the outside will return to the dust of the earth, but the inside is meant to be forever with God.

Jesus said; make first the inside clean, so that the outside may be made clean also. If we make the inside clean, the Lord will give us new glorified outside. But make no mistake, the Lord will chastise those whom he loves. In Hebrews 12:5 we read; And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks unto you as unto children, My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when you are rebuked of him. For whom the Lord loves he shall chastise, and scourge every son he recieves. And if you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the Father chastens not?

Consider the apostle Paul, one of the greatest ministers of the gospel, who also was afflicted in the flesh. In 2 Corinthians 12:7 Paul said; "And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. I like Paul was also sent a spot in the flesh by the consumer of the flesh, so that I also would be humbled by it. But don't judge God's love for you by the afflictions we have to suffer in this world, because they are meant to refine us in a better way.

Jesus said; Judge not based upon appearances, but if you judge, judge the righteous judgment. And that righteous judgment is that God Loves you, and he wants you to believe him, and his Word Jesus Christ. God bless.

[hannahlostsheep]

thankyou so much love i always keep you in my prayers

Hannah I'm glad you shared. I just want to give you a big hug and remind you suicide is not the answer. Leave your son with the legacy that his mom survived this. You haven't taken the easy way out through all these difficult times in life. When others would of said they did enough, you kept pressing forward. Keep pressing forward sister.

You've been on my mind often lately. Now I know why. Praying for you.

[TrueAndMagneticNorth]

Hi Hannah,

Have rarely been as affected by a post as I was by yours. The struggles you are going through almost literally oozed from the words and sentences of your post.

Firstly, you have obviously been tested more than most. Just keep in mind that, though God clearly does let people be tested through hardship, it does not tend to be God inflicting the hardship. It is more like he is letting you be tested, than directly bringing about the conditions of the test all by Himself.

He never lets people be tested to an extent that they would find impossible to endure. Overall, He just wants you to stick with Him. There is always hope if you just stick with Him.

That's about all I can say right now. I don't have any answers for you, but, ultimately, He does.

By the way, I really respect your past as a military person. I think I shall spend my whole life thinking I am at least a slightly lesser person for not having signed up and done some time.

God bless you.