Christianity Oasis Forum

[JTucker801]

Hey everyone:

I decided to take the 14 day challenge. I figured that I've got nothing to lose in trying the 14 day challenge and to place my faith in what God says completely for the first time in my life. I guess the best place to start is to confess my problems. This feels so wierd because I feel like a failure as a christian.

First, I have a problem with love. I have looked for love because I long for someone who would be dedicated to me. The only problem is that I don't feel as though I am good enough to recieve it. I have overheard many women for most of my life say that men have to have many material blessings in order to have a chance at love. But my life has been very unsuccessful. I'm 38, no car of my own (I drive my stepson's vehicle to work and to work in - I'm a postal contract carrier), no house of my own (my son and I live in a 1-bedroom apartment), my marriage is ending because she wants more than I can give her, and this is the first time in my life I have ever made over $2k a month in my life, but expenses are killing most of my saving potential. I have tried all my life to make my talents work for me and to be successful, but have gotten nowhere. In my quest for real love, I've dated 22 women and married the 23rd woman in my life, out of desperation, I think. I settled because I thought that I'd never get another chance at being happy or finding someone who would love me. I have loved sincerely, but was always positioned as the fix-it guy. Whenever my love seemed to mend their broken hearts, I'd end up abandoned and demonized as weak and unmanly. In fact that's what happened when my wife said that she wanted a divorce. All the rejection, negativity, and judgement I've recieved from so many years has turned me to pornography. I hate it, but it feels like I'll never have any real love. I won't claim to be innocent. I fornicated in many of my relationships, which I now hate that I did. I did it thinking that they loved me back. But...tey didn't.

Second, I have a problem with success. I've always wanted a friendship with success, but can't seem to get one. I've worked hard for a majority of my life, but have often gotten nowhere. I've had talents to become a top name in hip hop, poetry, short story writing, and personal writing, but have always been stopped in my tracks. I'm currently trying to become debt free and to never borrow again. This path is very hard. I haven't borrowed, but I can't seem to save anything. What I want out of life is simple. I want my own condo or home, two paid-for cars (fairly new ones), a thriving publishing and information-marketing company, a better relationship with my son, a loving wife, and to have the respect of being a compassionate, caring , and successful human being.

Third, I'm having a hard time finding out who I am. I've given so much of myself away that I don' know where to begin to find myself. I've also been trying to develop a closer relationship with God, but I don't know how. I read, I pray, I'm learning how to fast, but I want to hear his voice that I may be comforted and follow his instructions more. I can hardly manage the use of my time, me finances, and my emotions...

I don't want pornography. I want a wife who is willing to love me. I don't want to keep rejecting myself. I want to be able to love myself.

...that's all I can seem to write for now. I'm very sleepy. Nite

JT

[Dora]

Hello JT Welcome to Oasis.

The song looking for love in all the wrong places comes to mind. We have a huge hole with in our hearts. It's a God sized hole, yet we try to fill it with humans who fall so very short.

The love you seek can be found in Him. When you understand how much you are loved by Him and accepted and forgiven and focus on that, the need for human love is not so suffocating.

I pray through this study you find the hugeness of the love of God.

Keep seeking Him. He is seeking you.

[JTucker801]

Thank you, Pine.

Last night was pretty difficult for me. I had been listening to messages by my pastor, entitled, "No Need To Hide." I don't think I managed to get it all out, though I wanted to. I've got some major issues that I want to let go of, but I don't know how. My pastor even told me that I have ministry in me. I love to study and dig into the Word, but the thought of pastoring others frightens me, especially considering the issues I have with keeping myself in line with the Word, or my teaching 11 year old son and keeping him in line. I've had years of feeling defeated that I am struggling to get past, and I'm trying to look through my past to find some victories I can hold on to, to keep me going. That's what my pastor instructed, but it's a hard task. I'm trying to stay in prayer, and I actually have a victory to celebrate today. So let me get to writing.

Thanks again.

[JTucker801]

Near the end of day two (though, technically, for me it's the official end of day one), I feel much better about the way today went as opposed to yesterday. I will read the instructions for day two immediately after posting this entry. I don't know if I'm breaking the rules or not, but I remembered that it is important that I do these journal entries.

For the first time, I was able to remember, start on, and finish a homework assignment our pastor gave us, the study of the whole book of 1st Samuel. I do not think that before this day, I was able to read a whole book of the bible in one day that had more than 7 chapters. So I discovered that my attention span can be expanded to something that I think is important, especially concerning the word of God. It's amazing that I found the time to read it all. I normally do no t have time like that to devote to the Word. We were assigned the task of studying Saul and David's annointing, what they chose to do with it, and where it led them. I just thought about it and discovered some things about me.

The thing that cause Saul to fall was his disobedience, but his reasoning was interesting. Saul, after ruling according to the Word of God, during the height of his rule, became a people pleaser. In his confession to Samuel, he said that he allowed the soldiers to do what they did because he feared them. In his confession, I found the reason I had lost myself. I have to confess that for a while, I had prided myself on pleasing people at times, and in offending them in other times. But it seemed as though at times, also, I did both at times that I did not intend to.

My wife had to show me how to deliver a route I had not delivered on before. She made a negative comment about our outfits matching, stating that we loooked like we belonged together but looks can be decieving. That stung, but I shook it off, because I have read that vengeance belongs to the Lord, and I remember his promise that he would curse those who curse me. So I left it in his hands, instead of letting her push my buttons.

I survived temptation today concerning pornography and lust, even though I felt extremely lonely this morning. I just tried to focus on not hiding from God, even though I gave in to temptation the night before. Though I confessed my sin immediately afterwards because I felt so weak and ashamed (that was before I put last night's entry in), I fought through self-condemnation to give my God praise. I just knew that as long as I tried to hide in the sound booth, I would feel horrible. Besides, God knew and His Word says that He forgives whom He will. So I made a resolve to not hide from Him. I remembered that the whole book of Psalms was written by a king who bore it all before God. So as I was singing and praising God, I bore it all as best I could, then patiently sat at Jesus' feet, expecting to be exposed, possibly humiliated - but I thought, if it's going to happen, let's get it overwith. Only gentle words came from my pastor's lips, and I was grateful, because that caused me to feel forgiven.

I don't know what will happen if I should feel lonely again from missing my wife, if I feel like a failure because of where I am in life as opposed to what I could have been, if I feel like a failure as a father because of my semi-distant relationship with my son, or the next time I feel as though I have no value at all. But I made a choice that I hope and pray will help. Hopefully, this will be the first of many commitments I keep, and hopefully lead to a string of lasting victories for me. I hope that I can remember to cry to my God if and when that feeling hits me next, because I do love him. I just find it so hard to show him that I do, and that causes me to have a hard time loving myself.

Time to read the day two plan so I can carry it out tomorrow.

[Dora]

I agree you have a ministry with in you. And this struggling time is part of the testimony He is building.

What came to mind was how His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

I pray that strengthens you. His will be done in your life. Lift up your head brother, He's come to rescue you from the chains and the defeat. You are His. The rest will fall into place.

The comment from your wife....she to is looking to be cherished by someone. Though she probably rejects any attempt you make towards showing her you love her and long for her. You've probably heard it said hurt people hurt people. It is true. I will say a prayer for her as well tonight. May the walls fall down.

[JTucker801]

I'm actually interrrupting the time I'm taking to read Steeping Stone 2 because some words in it really hit me quite hard. When the point was made about enjoying attention from complaining, that convicted me a little. I don't like to complain, and when I do, I'm looking for a solution, not attention. But I honestly have to admit that to hear someone sympathize or empathize with my bad situation did make me feel less worthless, and feeling less worthless feels pretty good. At the same time, it was frustrating, because at the end of it all, I still had no solution.

Also, the point was made about being accustomed to things going wrong. If such a book were best sellers, I'd be one big time trillionaire, because I was so accustomed to everything good I ever intended going wrong. My relationships, my plans with money, my jobs, my marriage, me losing two apartments... very little noteworthily good things happened in my life. And when I got older, I learned to expect the bad to happen, because it always did. Whenever I had my hopes up for a good thing to appear, I was almost always disappointed. I began to wonder whether or not it was because I'm black, or because I'm a black male, my semesters in college, or because God hates me... Soon it didn't matter what the reason was, because bad just kept happening, and I was powerless to change anything. I hated feeling powerless, but I felt like that's all there was for me. All I could do was try to complain as eloquently as possible, since nothing I thought up would help my situation. There was even a period when I was young where I was so envious of all the successful people around me. They had some secret to life that I didn't, and I couldn't help being envious or thinking "why can't I have a little success too? What's wrong with me having success? I work hard, too!!"

The truth was that I was brainwashed into believing God man's way. I was so filled up with worries by my mother and with standardism by people in the world who were successful that I believed that I was worthless if I could not have success like them, because they (the successful people) said so. And right there to back them up was my family, even more recently, my wife. No matter what I did, I just couldn't win!! Eventually, I gave up on myself. It became obvious to me that success was not going to be in my reach. It was something I wanted because I wanted to use my success to help others, but that wasn't in the cards for me. I wanted a committed love, because that's the desire God had placed within me, but my need for physical affections offended the women I chose. And now, I'm holding onto my faith by a thread, hoping that by following His commands, something in my situation will change for the better, so that I can be rid of the worry, stress, loneliness, lack, etc. It wears on the soul when you're pushing nearly 40 and have done nothing significant with your life, and you know you've tried at least five times to do something great with it. Plus, it severly hurts the pride to cry while you pray, practically begging God to show you what you did wrong and how to do something right, feeling like you'll only screw it up anyway if God gives you the directions.

In a way, that's why I needed yesterday's victory with the book of 1st Samuel. I never read any book in the bible within the time span of a few hours in one day. I also finished Deuteronomy the day before yesterday, but that study took 3 weeks of off and on studying, and I succumbed to a lot of distractions (video games, fatigue, computer games, etc.) But yesterday, I gained an understanding of what the story of Eli, Samuel, Saul, and David means, and what things in my life it pointed out about me. I've accomplished something, finally, that the enemy cannot take away from me. I wanted to throw a celebration over it, but I didn't know how. I guess I've been so used to not having a life or having celebrations, I lost the knowledge of how to celebrate.

Ok, I think I've typed enough...back to reading the plan.

[Dora]

God loves you J.

He longs to prosper you.

Don't do this alone. Walk through this with Him. Building a closer relationship with Him. Learn to listen to His voice about these things you see as failure. Failure to you may be opportunity for Him to work in your life and in others lives. Then it wouldn't be failure. It would be a victory. During this time you are surrounded by struggles and disappointments and hurts, keep reminding yourself of what He has done for you and will do for you.

I am praying for you. Love ya bro

[JTucker801]

Before I begin, I have a confession. I haven't read the SS3 material yet because I've been pondering the SS2 assignment, particularly which encouraging words to use, how to display them and where to display them. I've been listening to any podcast by a christian voice I could find that could offer me hope and encouragement. I also happened to listen to two songs from a contemporary gospel artist (Hezekiah Walker), Moving Forward and God Favors Me, which is a miracle in itself. I haven't listened to any gospel artists in a long time, because most gospel artists remind me of traditional black churches, whose issues and denials I've been hurt by. The SS2 material put a lot on my mind to think about. I thought I had done a good job soul searching, but there are a lot more root things still present that I didn't notice.

One, I tend to condemn myself a lot. I knew I did it, and one of my fellow church members said that she noticed that I condemn myself more than anyone she knew. That was well over a year ago, and I really tried to stop, but couldn't. Yesterday alerted me to the fact that I was repeating actions initiated by others in my life. In my past, pastors of different churches always put black males down as people who are hopeless and destined for hell. I hated that because I really wanted to know God when I confessed Christ. I hurt for myself, being a black male, and for all the other black men who were just written off by the self-righteousness of others. I thought of myself as an outcast christian because of their messages. My mom often complained that I was like my father, and my parents split when I was six. I was reminded of how much I was like him when I did something wrong, but never when I did something right. The things I did right got very little recognition, but I got a whole lot of negative attention when I did wrong or made a mistake. Recieving negative attention was all I knew, and it formed a belief that those negative ideas were the truth about me. Talk about life and death being in the power of the tongue and the power of idea seeds. That's why traditional gospel songs are a turn off for me - all they remind me of is all the condemning sermons I've heard and the negative treatment I've gotten while in traditional churches.

Two, I learned to be patient with everyone else but me. With people expecting overnight results from me over the years, I began to think that I'm supposed to make immediate grand progress, because it had been constantly demanded. I thought that surely the only reason that man was demanding immediate grand results from me was that it was reasonable, possible, and the least I could do. Any hint of patience I showed myself was immediately demonized as lack of faith in God. It's still affecting me, especially with trying to save for an emergency fund. I put my first $50 in today and I don't know how long it will stay in the account before I may mess that up. I know that no matter what, I gotta do this, because one thing I don't want to do is borrow anymore.

The self-examination caused me to start today in a rather somber mood, because I didn't realize how much junk I allowed. I realized that I don't really know who I've become and how to get back to the real me. I have realized that even if the journey gets painful, I cannot allow myself to become discouraged. This may be my only shot at finding out who I am in God and what I am supposed to do.

There was a glimmer of hope, though, to send me on the rest of my day. I was reading The Total Money Makeover, seriously this time, and as I was doing that, I was trying to think about the last set of numbers I wrote down. I felt a nagging feeling in my spirit that said my budget is wrong. I checked the numbers, and sure enough, I would not have had any hope had I proceeded with those numbers. I quickly looked over my income numbers again, readjusted my budget, wrote the fixed expenses down and it was looking ugly. Instead of panicking, I whispered, "God, some people tell me that you are into working miracles. Please show me a few, because I don't see a way to do this." He gave me the numbers and reminded me of a few things I could do to make it work. Now, I'm waiting each day for the miracles God will show me. I really don't know what to expect, but I'm definitely looking for the peaceful feeling in my spirit greater than when I had it back in March. I don't know how the month will go, but I am glad I listened to that unction to check my numbers than rely on what I wrote earlier.

Ok, enough typing. I need to write my assignment ideas down and put in my reasing time for step three before moving to step four. While my son is asleep, this is my private time, so I better get a move-on. Gotta catch up.

[JTucker801]

Now that I have read the SS3 entry, I have a little more hope. I actually needed those words because I was about to be discouraged thinking of all the work my mind needed. To find out that I needed only to hear and respond to the message to have enough work done to get to the next step was encouraging. I forgot that sometimes, all you need is to take a moment to sit at Jesus' feet. To know that God was willing to give all He had to get me into Heaven, in spite of my hopelessness, makes me want to be with Him even more.

For some reason, I am seeing myself sitting uncomfortably in a spotlight while God is watching me, perhaps while cheering me on. I just know it is both a comfort and an uncomfortable feeling. I don't know what to make of that. I don't think I have the gift of interpreting visions. I'm trying not to think about what He may be thinking about me, because my thoughts would lead me towards the negative somehow, even though I would probably love to think that God is never thinking anything negative about me.

I will keep these words with me as I look over a journal of quotes I've made, just before reading the Word. I appreciate the prayers, and I am on my knees also, trying to escape this nightmare and begin my true walk of faith as myself, not this negative entity that looks like me . That's all for now.

[Dora]

Psalm 8:4 “What is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You visit him? For You have made him a little lower than the angels, and You have crowned him with glory and honor.”

God is mindful of YOU.

Psalm 40:5 “Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works which You have done; and Your thoughts towards us cannot be recounted to You in order; If I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.”

He thinks of you often!

Psalm 139:17
“How precious are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand (on the beach);”

He does have good thoughts of you. Precious thoughts the bible calls them. So many good thoughts towards you, His child H e dearly loves they could not be counted. That is a lot of time God is thinking good of you.

He is good. He doesn't focus on our bads like we tend to do. He focuses on what He knows we can be and one day will be.

Praying for you dear brother. May He reveal to you His good thoughts He has towards you. Walk in His grace.

[JTucker801]

Forgiving myself will be a hard thing for me to learn because of the self-condemnation tendancy that I had developed by following the lead of condemnation from so many others. I am in prayer concerning this, because I tend to think of everything I do either in self-blame/failure or being in some sort of hot seat (what would go wrong if I don't accomplish this?). I know where the root of this lies, thankfully. People in my family and my loved ones always said that I'm not doing what it takes to be a success in certain areas, but when I ask questions like, "well, what does it take to be successful," no one knows. I've given far too many opinions power over God's and my own.

In Bible Study, a few hours ago, an elder told us that the enemy keeps us focused on the past to keep us from reaching the place God wants us to be. That's how my family members and people who abused and manipulated my love did to me. But I know that flesh and blood is not the enemy I am facing. I take responsibility for my part, because the simple fact is that I did not have to allow it. As my pastor said, I cannot be empowered to face something I have no knowledge to face, and I didn't have the knowledge to face it during those times.

Oh yeah, I fell twice last night, giving in to the failures of defeat and loneliness after typing. I felt sick to my stomach with myself. But God, through that elder, let me know why He allowed me to fall. I battle with the tendancy to falsely medicate myself. Before I explain this, I truly hope that I'm right about this, that I've learned the lesson I need to learn, and that I am empowered and strengthened to leave that dark place. ok...Pornography, video games, and computer games were the way I medicated being lonely, feeling defeated, and feeling as though I was not good enough for any blessing I wanted. I also battle with counterfeit convictions that I learned earlier in life from misguided and ignorant church leaders.

Elder Brown said something seriously profound that let me know what I ought to do. He said that if you are hurting and bleeding, the best thing for you to do is to go to the doctor. In other words, I gotta get to and stay on God's operating table, so that He can heal me. I gotta be patient enough to go through the pain and allow the spiritual circumcision to take place. I gotta remember that if I love Him, and I do, that all things will work out for my good. Perhaps I need a few things and people cut away from me so that I can forgive myself. So be it.

That's all for now. I'll read SS5 in the morning.

[JTucker801]

Before I begin - Pine, I want to thank you for those scriptures. With all the godly voices that have been talking to me, I now feel a lot stronger, and I've been fighting the tendancy to medicate with a little bit more ease, which means I've gotten stronger in God and pulled out some major weeds in my mind. I'm becoming excited rather than afraid of where my walk is beginning to lead me.

Sorry I went to bed before I did my entry, but I got tired of going to bed late and waking up to go to work tired. And honestly, after the bible study with Elder Brown, I admitted that I was tired of false medication, and that I was going to get rid of each one, one at a time, beginning with pornography. The truth is that I don't want lust operating in my life. God gave man the provision of a wife for the desires associated with true intimacy. I was satisfied with my wife, but what put me in the dark place of pornography wasn't lust, it was rejection. I realized that I was not the one who allowed Satan to operate in the marriage, which is why he went after me when the rejection began breaking my marriage. I take responsibility for making the decision to falely medicate myself using Satan's suggestion - I did it. Plus, I didn't choose my wife very well. I really settled out of desperation, and when the rejection came, I did the same thing with pornography.

But with the help of SS4, I'm beginning to forgive myself. Personally, in both a godly and a selfish kind of way, I'm liking the idea of forgiving myself. I suppose it's because I never had permission from anyone to forgive myself. With that, I was able to metaphorically smack Satan in the face for suggesting pornography to me, and that felt GOOD!! I imagine that the heat will be turned up on me, but somehow, I'm not as worried about that as I used to be.

But with forgiving yourself comes the responsibility to take responsibility. SS5 is a lot like Jack Canfield's book, Success Principles' first chapter: take 100% responsibility for your actions. Other people may be involved in the reason you fall, but the only one you can take responsibility for is yourself. You cannot take responsibility for what others do. And blaming them for their part will not make them take responsibility for their actions. But I understand why we as people don't. Admitting to yourself that you are selfish and have selfish tendancies is NOT pleasant.

But I'm glad you guys taught us to forgive ourselves before taking responsibility. We are not taught to do that by the world. The world says: take responsibility, and gives us the knife of self blame, then when we cut outselves, the world laughs when we damage ourselves and bleed the best parts of ourselves out, and don't lift a finger to help us. Telling us to forgive ourselves is like giving us a self-healing manual before telling us to cut ourselves with the knife of responsibility, because the intent is not to tell us to harm ourselves, and that was especially helpful.

So what are my problems? Complacency, broken heart, depression, judgment, loneliness, lust, overweight, and being unequally yoked. So my solution is to 1) continue the 14-day program, 2) stay in the Word, 3) begin a fasting program, 4) engage in a prayer program for my issues, 5) work on my financial and spiritual stewardship, and 6) allow God to guide me in managing my house, my life, and my parenting. As far as my marriage - if I try to work on it, I will do nothing but mess it up. So I'll let God handle that. I'm trying to get to the place where if she stays or goes, I'm glad I got God.

That's it for today. I'm off today, so I'll be working on cleaning up my place, managing my house, and listening to my podcasts, after I read.