Christianity Oasis Forum

[daddysgirl]

i guess this is where i start, I have bipolar disorder and i realy don't know if it's really a disease or an excuse for all the weird things i do but anyway it starts my long story. I have been part of a certain church since I was 21 years old and I am now 39 but during all those years I hve been hurt in just about every way you can think of so i am really at the point or maybe I reached it a long time ago that I don't know who I can trust anymore. As of the last three weeks my life has really turned upside down. after my divorce and my kids began to grow up and leave home i thought i would try to live with my best friend of 16 years because she lost her husband to a drug overdose and she had three kids to raise. but they were cruel and mean to my daughter which led her to move in with her dad. i then decided to move in with my pastor (which is a woman) who was very ill and the mother-in-law to my best friend so it was her son who died and her grandchildren who were mean to my daughter. All the while this is all taking place next door practicly to my ex husband. I have gained alot of weight through depression and I had to pass by his house everyday and be in contact with him because of our 16 year old daughter. by the way he has completely gotten away from everything about God and has different women on a frequent basis. I guess i never realized how much this effected me but anyway.. I have been in a couple different hospitals over mixed episodes of depression and anxeity and they had me on lithium but I was retaining alot of fluid so my doctor took me off of it suddenly which caused me to go almost imediatly into a manic episode. I could not go to sleep. for days I went on very little sleep. one day about three weeks ago my oldest daughter had spent the night with me and my pastor was in the hospital but we were getting ready to leave for church and my grand daughter had lost my keys, i couldn't get the dogs back in the house and my pastors grand daughter(which was mean to my daughter) text a message that shouldn't have upset me too much but it really sent me over the edge, she can be very smart elic and disrespectful anyway. Well i told my daughter I wasn't going to church and i told her to get her dad to come take her. there is much more to this story I cannot write on here but i went to my room (which I stay in alot anyway) and took some medicine to get some sleep. well I got too much sleep and missed my oldest daughters birthday. and that evening i took too much medicine again which landed me in the hospital. Well my pastor thought i only did it to hurt her. so they all pretty much turned againsts me and made me move out. now I am hurt again. they never once thought about what was hurting me. And I never would have hurt them on purpose. ireally didn't mean to hurt them. and my pastor had announced to the church not too long ago that I would never have to look for another place too live again. Now I have missed alot of church because I am so hurt and angry inside and I feel very condemned to hell for not going to church but tonight i feel like my anger has lifted some and now I am left in the ashes of all that has happened and my youngest daughter has disowned me too since i tried to go to sleep to long. and it's like WHAT HAPPENED??? I have lost so much and I dont know which way to turn. i feel so abandoned. i feel like i have just woke up from a nightmare only to find out it really happened. can anyone make any since of this?? or just pray for me??

[Dora]

awww sister, what a terrible time you have been through and are going through.

Please know you are not condemned to hell for not attending church. What is more important, the going to church or the seeking a close relationship? Spend time in prayer, sing and meditate on the words of worship and praise music, read your bible and spiritual materials, such as this study. Those are things that will bring you closer to God. That's what He is seeking from you dear one.

I am praying for you, as many will. His good and perfect will be done. He wants what is best for you.