Christianity Oasis Forum

[akita777]

My mornings are usually the worst. So it is this morning. I wake up during the night and every thought I have is beyond my control and is telling me that I am evil and not saved. There are verses in the Bible that says that His Spirit bares witness to our spirit that we are saved. I don't sense His presence with me. I want to feel the Lord again. I am so sad and so sorry for what I did. Everyone tells me that I am forgiven, but forgiveness sets the sinner free from guilt and shame. This is my constant state. How can a man be saved and live with such horrible thoughts? How can I have any testimony for the Lord when I am in such a sorry state. I know he does not need me, he has plenty of other people that can do his work, but I want to help. I want to be included on the right team.

I know that people will say that is my choice and I have to accept and receive his forgiveness. But, even the ability to believe and have faith is His gift.

[mlg]

Hi hun...you have to believe to receive...you have to believe that God's forgiveness is real...and no one can do that but you and only you. We can sit here and type words of encouragement and support all day long, but when it comes down to the real work...it has to begin with you. There is freedom from the chains that bind you...and you hold that key deep within...time to clean out the closets and find that key...and step out of the chains you've allowed to hold you for so long...but again YOU have to take that step.

Praying for you...

[akita777]

You are right it is my responsibility. I am taking steps to find that key. The Lord is working in my life and I know it. Some days are just kinda bad. Thanks for the support..Steve

[mlg]

Yep some days will be better than others...but just know that each day is new...and tomorrow God's grace is still there.

[akita777]

I am on my 4 step about forgiveness and am requesting prayer for the Lord to work in my heart and remind me of all the un forgiveness I harbor towards others. I will be keeping a written journal as they come to mind and ask the Lord lead me in forgiving them. Thanks for your support

[mlg]

This is exactly what I did...I wrote a list of all the people I needed to forgive for all the things...and it helped me so much...I felt like each name I put on that paper allowed me to free myself from the chains the enemy had wrapped around me. I will be in prayers that you find the same peace and forgiveness that I have.

[akita777]

Ok I am on step 7 now. I have written in my private journal about forgiving others and I still feel like I am holding on to resent towards others. I never really knew that I had all these resentments until recently. I guess I have just denied it. Well, I do have resentment toward some people and I want to forgive them and I do forgive them. But, the enemy keeps telling me that it is just words and my heart is really not forgiving. This whole spiritual battle as come to me and I no longer deny it. I used to think it was just a brain chemistry problem but now I really believe it is the enemy of my soul. It has been a long road to get to this point because there are still many people in my life that just think I have mental problems. Well, I do have mental problems but , why. I believe it is because the devil hates me and wants to destroy me. But, In Jesus name I will continue to believe even if my faith is very small....Steve

[mlg]

There you go...you believe and deny the enemy continually...as for the step on forgiveness...go back and work on forgiving those people you are having trouble with...maybe work on one of those at a time...instead of all of them at once...that way you can be sure that you are cleaning out your entire house...and not just hitting the high spots so to speak.

My prayers for you continue.

You can do this.

Take care and God Bless

[akita777]

Thank you for the encouragement... I am under heavy attack right now. I am so ready for God to remove this evil from me. I know I sinned against him by believing false doctrine and believing that this man was some god but I never wanted to be in this situation. I never wanted to deny the Lord. I am so afraid that I am lost forever. My moments/thinking go from one extreme to another. I am very confused right now and I thank you for praying for me...Steve

[Mackenaw]

Hello Akita

God bless you this day.

I have been reading along with your posts, and have been lifting you up in prayers to our Lord in the name of Jesus.

Akita, would you tell me about your relationship with The Lord before you met the man nine years ago? I would really enjoy hearing your testimony of Christ prior to meeting that man.

Prayers continue. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

[akita777]

I grew up in a home with an abusive father and an overwhelmed mother. I was the youngest of 4 boys and was the forgotten one. I tried very hard to get attention but it seemed like whatever I did it was wrong. Whether I was happy or sad or angry. Didn't matter, dad was always angry and very distant. No affection physically or verbally from either parent. Since I was the youngest I was picked on by my older brothers and i remember crying quite a lot. One day remember I stopped crying. I guess I was around 11-12 yrs. old but I remember telling myself not to cry anymore because no one cares.

When I was 9 I was diagnosed with Epilepsy and have suffered with seizures since then. Some days are worse than others, but after 31 yrs. I have gotten pretty used to it and I have a loving wife that is understanding.

When I was 11 our family moved to Texas from Virginia and my mother said that when we got here her and the kids were going to church. My dad did not go and wanted no part of church or God. One summer my brother went to Youth camp and accepted the Lord as his Savior and when he returned as my dad put it, something had changed with him. This was the first time that my dad was in the slightest interested in the things of the church and the Lord so he called the pastor and invited him over. I still remember when he came over. We sat in the loving room and we all talked. This pastor was 27yrs. old and in a short time the Holy Spirit worked on my dads heart and using this pastor he led my dad to the Lord.

I was next, It was a Sunday morning in our little baptist church and we were all singing "Jesus Paid it all". I remember leaving my seat and going down front and praying for him to save me. I felt this overwhelming sense of acceptance and love that I had never felt before in my life.

For some reason, my parents quite going to church and I and my brother(the oldest were already gone) were never taught the things of the word of God and the ways of God. Matter of fact, I see now that my dads relationship with Jesus was kept to himself for the most part and still he never shared anything with us boys. I was not the good little boy when I grew up. My teenage years were filled with rebellion and drug use and I quit school and moved out when I was 16. I never lost my faith and would continue to seek God for help to overcome my sin. When I was 19 I met a man my age in a pool hall and he was a Christian. We shared Christ together and he invited me to church with him and I went. After getting married at 22 we stayed with that little bible church for over 10 yrs. and then moved to a large bible church. During this time I was still struggling(since childhood) with sexual sin(pornography) and one night I was on a homeschooling web-site and met man that had a very different perspective on how people learn. I was intrigued by his thought and pursued conversation with him. Shortly afterward our talk began to get into religious ideas. He had a strange way of interpreting scripture and I would always go to the scripture and argue with myself and him about his interpretation. Little did I know he was using his coercive tactics to gain control over my mind. I began to have delusions and to get very confused. I ended up in the mental hospital because I was suicidal. He wanted me to kill myself for not moving up to where he was as I told him I would do and changed my mind. He put into my mind that I blasphemed the Holy Spirit and other very evil things that hurt me and still hurt me today. Every day I think of that time and how I was led into denying my faith and the overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. I was sure at that time that God would never forgive me. So I have been in and out of counseling. I have been on medication for severe clinical depression and extreme anxiety.

I continue to reach out because I just have to believe that God still loves me and that Jesus has forgiven me. But, I don't think my mind, will and emotions are healed and it is like something is inside me blocking all the truth that I hear. I hear it and it goes in and goes out and I am left with thoughts and feelings of guilt and shame and memories of what I believed and how all of this ties together because of my rejection of my belief. It was as if I went to far and now Jesus will not take me back. I often think that maybe I never was saved in the first place and that is why I was so stupid to believe this guy. But, I don't believe that. Jesus was and still is the most important person in my life. I have not lived a very good christian life and I confess that. But, it seems that now that I am ready he won't take me... Sorry this was long...Steve

[Mackenaw]

Hello Akita

God bless you this day.

Thank you for sharing. I was also glad to see you reaching out to others -- responding to their posts, and giving them words of encouragement in Christ Jesus.

Revelation 12:11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.

Akita, try to keep your focus on The Lord and in encouraging others in Christ -- testifying to the goodness of The Lord: God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit, and His faithfulness.

Are you continuing with the CCCC Study?

Prayers continue to rise to our Lord in the name of Jesus, on your behalf. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack