Christianity Oasis Forum

[thywillbedone]

Day 1
They say the first step is the hardest and I really believe that's true. I have so much to say, so much I'm ashamed of, but I haven't been able to say it out loud...or type it. But I feel such a distance from God and I can't help but think that it's because I've been holding these lies inside. I've asked for His forgiveness, cried more tears than I can count, and still can't forgive myself. I'm so scared to admit my sins, even to a board of people I don't know in real life. But I think that by not confessing to anyone else I'm letting the lies/sins eat me up, I'm letting the Devil win. I hate myself for what I've done, I think I'm a horrible person and can't believe that I've done such horrible things that have hurt so many people and probably ruined my future. Ok gosh here it goes...please forgive me

I sinned against the Lord, against my body, against my future husband (if there even IS a future husband for me). I've had sex with a few guys, men that I thought I loved and could spend my life with...even though deep down I know I was wrong & it was the wrong thing to do. Forgive me.
I lied to my ex and told him I was pregnant to get back at him for the lies he told me. I thought I'd let it go on for just a few days to hurt him and maybe get him to see that he needed to clean his life up (He revealed that he had substance abuse issues that he hid from me) Forgive me.
It didn't end there though, the lie got bigger & bigger. We told our friends & families that we were expecting. He got himself clean. We got back together & fell in love. I thought maybe somehow this lie would turn into something good all along knowing what I was doing was wrong. It tore us apart from members of our families and ended some of our friendships. Forgive me.
We began having sex again because we felt like we we're going to get married and were going to be a family. Forgive me.
Worse yet, we didn't use protection and I hoped & prayed that I would really get pregnant & maybe somehow be able to explain it. Forgive me.
I got consumed by this lie. I wanted a baby so badly. I wanted us to really be a family. I made up fake ultrasounds, lied about going to the doctor, we made a nursery for our baby, had a baby shower with all our friends & family to celebrate. Lord forgive me!
Never once did I let up. We bought a more baby appropriate car. Started looking at houses to buy in time for the baby. Began planning our wedding. Picked out a name. Spent hours talking to my tummy. Forgive me!
We got to our due date, went to the hospital...I was scared out of my mind. I didn't stop the lie and now I was caught. The doctor said there was no baby (surprise surprise) and told us that I probably lost the baby months ago but blocked it out which is common in young mothers suffering stillbirths or miscarriages. She made me see a psychiatrist to talk about losing the baby. She believed that I suffered delusions because of it and hallucinated going to the doctors for check ups and what not. I went along with it. Forgive me
After all of this happened I lost many friends and my relationship with my family was seriously strained. My relationship with my boyfriend was over, we didn't speak for awhile because he couldn't be involved with a "crazy girl" and he didn't fully believe what the doctor told him. Eventually we began seeing each other again. It seemed like fate on most occasions, being in the same place at the same time, crossing each others paths despite the fact that we didn't have the same friends or live anywhere near each other. We began sleeping together again, never using protection, I think we both on some level wanted another chance at being a family & having a child. Forgive me.
Things ultimately didn't work out..there was no way it could have. He began drinking heavily..I did nothing to try to stop him. Forgive me.
My family members, remaining friends and acquaintances grieved for the loss of the baby..that never even existed. I never had the heart or the courage to tell any of them that it was all a lie. Forgive me!

I've never told anyone any of this. I've been carrying this for so long. I'm completely disgusted with myself for what I did and knew every step of the way that what I was doing was wrong. Still, I let the lie consume me, even after the cat was out of the bag, that there was no baby, I grieved, I locked myself in the nursery for weeks and just cried my heart out. I feel in love with this lie and wanted it so badly to come true. I honestly don't think I'll ever forgive myself for this and I really don't know how God ever could.





The sad thing is, there's even more that I need to confess. None as great as this..or maybe it is. I've been doubting the Bible. Doubting the love that God has. My faith makes my head spin. I feel like the Old Testament & New Testament are written with two very different Gods in mind. I can't see how God can love us when he had so many ppl killed in the OT. I don't understand how science can prove something yet we are to ignore it because we're Christians. All of it makes me so shaky in my faith. I have so many questions but no one even seems to be able to give me straight answers. I'm not being a very good believer at all

[stillstanding]

welcome to oasis you will find this place full of hope and love and support. you are making a great step forward here and your confessions will bring many opportunities for growth and prayer.

a couple things come to mind in reading yer post. one is: let go and let God. sometimes this phrase seems to be so over used to the point of meaning nothing. but for me it meant literally opening the cans of worms, as you've started here, dropping all the junk at the foot of the cross and leaving it...no looking back. not turning a single backward glance towards it. ask forgiveness. accept forgiveness. forgive yerself and move on...thats the hardest part. but if God forgives you certainly you are forgiveable :D and two is: all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. romans 3:23 if we didnt we wouldn't need a savior. we fall down...we get up. God made us who we are for a purpose. we learn how to fulfill our purpose by making mistakes and growing thru them.

much love and many blessings on you as you continue your journey. Praise God you are here. To him be all glory!

[sharonleeu]

Our God is a god who forgives. If you truly believe in your heart and asked God for forgiveness, he has forgiven you. Build a relationship with God and he will direct your path to give you a future of hope, peace, love & joy.

My prayers are with you.

Sharon

[mlg]

Oh come here you precious soul and let me start by giving you a great big Wow...the enemy sure pulled you into a mess didn't he...well guess what...there's freedom hun...freedom from the lies, the guilt, the hurt, the pain, there is forgiveness, mercy and grace that awaits you...and I want you to know that Jesus loves you no matter what you have done or where you have been.

Today you have taken that first step...the one you needed to take so badly...I know you have questions about God...and what He has done in both the old and the new testament...so I'll try to help a bit with some answers. In the Old Testament(before Jesus) the only way to atone for ones sins was through the slaughtering of a lamb. Many people didn't want to believe in God...nor would they accept Him in those times....just like when God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah and the time that God flooded the earth...it wasn't because God didn't love those people...it was because those people didn't love God...they had completely turned their backs on Him...He ultimately had no choice. But then God realized that men were so sinful that they needed someone to come save them..and that is when He sent Jesus...Jesus would shed His blood one time so that you and I and everyone else who would call upon the name of the lord and Believe in Jesus would be forgiven, saved, and freed from the sins of the past, present or future...as long as one repents with a true hurt.

Right now you are having a hard time forgiving yourself because you feel and see those who have been hurt by your actions...but hun...you have got to allow yourself to receive God's forgiveness and work on forgiving yourself...so that you can move forward and not let what you did in the past drag you down...and keep you in the clutches of the enemy. It's time to get up and get moving down the pathway you began.

My prayers are with you.

Take care and God Bless you

[thywillbedone]

Day 2
Ok it took a few days longer than it should've but I completed Day 2 yesterday so I'm posting my journal today.
We're supposed to surround ourselves with reminders of our purpose... God had a way of doing that for me yesterday! I was driving home tonight and was listening to the local Christian music station and the DJ was talking about Matthew West's new album The Story of Your Life. He said the West had his fans write in their stories. As ya'll can imagine he recieved tons! He took them all up to a cabin and spent a month reading each and everyone of them. Each of the songs on his album is based on a different person's story he read.

Well anyways,.the DJ explains that the next song up called Strong Enough was based on a girl who had gotten into a car accident a few years ago and had her whole life spin out because of it. She was young & going to school and it all had to be put on hold because of her injuries.

This instantly spoke to me! I was in a car accident 4 years ago where I sustained a serious head injury that resulted in a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injuryr) I was only 19 and the injuries put me behind about a year & a half from graduating college. On top of that, I had to end up changing my major & my dream career because of it and have struggled the past few years trying to re-learn how to learn again, how to memorize things, write essays etc. More than that though was feeling like I had no direction cause the one thing I wanted to do for as long as I could remember was no longer an option and I had ZERO idea what my purpose was now.

Hearing this girl's story and listening to the lyrics, I really felt like it was God's way of telling me that He was here for me! When I got home I read more about her story and found out she too was 19 when she got in her car accident and it was under similar conditions to mine (icy roads! grr!) Her mother's story of her recovery was something I could SO relate to!
And even more than that, the Bible reverse West sings about (I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me) became my mantra when deciding to go back to college & pursue my new career!

I had been having doubts in my new career path the past few days and I really felt all day yesterday that God was trying to stir up my motivation again. Then when I heard that song last night I felt like it was God's way of saying "Hey, I'm here, I haven't left you, Keeping doing what you know you're supposed to be doing. I'm strong enough to take you through this, I'll always be here to remind you when you need it"

I'm going to get Matthew West's new CD so I can have it ready to play whenever I need it!

[mlg]

Glad you are walking the steps and made it to step 2. Christian music is so soothing. It speaks to us sometimes when we hear very little else. Glad that you were blessed with this awesome song.

Keep on pushing through.

Take care

[oabogun]

Welcome to Oasis You are well on our way, The first step is sharing your story or confessing to others. Just getting your story out allows other to pray for you and with that, satan has no power over you or at least not as much as he used to. God choose yo to be his daughter, he want to have a relationship with you and he knows what is best for you. At least you knew that what was going on was wrong, all you need to do is confess your sins and take the necessary steps to live right. Please don't be discouraged, we are human and we make mistakes, but we are blessed to to have a father that loves us unconditionally. Please check out this link on youtube, i hope this encouraged you and we will continue to pray for you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA

[thywillbedone]

Welcome to Oasis You are well on our way, The first step is sharing your story or confessing to others. Just getting your story out allows other to pray for you and with that, satan has no power over you or at least not as much as he used to. God choose yo to be his daughter, he want to have a relationship with you and he knows what is best for you. At least you knew that what was going on was wrong, all you need to do is confess your sins and take the necessary steps to live right. Please don't be discouraged, we are human and we make mistakes, but we are blessed to to have a father that loves us unconditionally. Please check out this link on youtube, i hope this encouraged you and we will continue to pray for you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA

That's one of my favorite songs!!!

[thywillbedone]

DAY 3: I need to learn how to let go & let God. There's so many things that *I* want and I'm having a hard time seeing what *He* wants. I need to stop trying to plan everything in my life & stop worrying about the future so much. There are things I know I need to do to be successful in the career I want to follow but I'm struggling with seeing my next step.Making decisions is something I struggle with, being of "two-minds" I guess you could say. I'd rather try to plan on the future rather than taking care of what I have to do today... Like I'd rather signing up for my classes for next semester rather than go to the classes I'm in right now or study/do my work. I know being lazy and not completing my work doesn't bring glory to God and this is something I pray He will help me with!

I also realize that I need to learn to TRUST God with my heart again. It's been years since I've fully put my life in His hands when it comes to my love life. There was a point where I had such faith in the Lord and His plans but that fell apart when He let me down (in my opinion) I also need to stop putting so much importance on relationships. I was never one to want to get married growing up until I met my fiance (now ex fiance) He is the one that made me want to pursue a relationship with the Lord and it was with him that I actually picked up a Bible for the first time in my life. We both felt like the Lord had made us for one another, our relationship had Him at the center, which was something I'd never experienced before. When we got engaged it felt so incredibly right, we were so happy about continuing in a relationship that brought glory to God and felt like it was rooted in His Will. In time we began having to make decisions about both of our careers and decided to take a step back and take time apart so that we could pray for the Lord to show each of us what His will for our careers were. We both firmly believed that God would bring us back together when we got where we needed to be in our lives (We both had both felt the Lord tugging on our hearts when we read Proverbs 24:27) Long story short, after a couple months of living our lives separately & fully believing with every piece of my soul that the Lord would join us together again...then I found out that he had married someone else during that time. I was devastated obviously, but more than anything I felt betrayed and abandoned by the Lord. I felt so convinced that marriage was His plan for us..and then it turned out not to be. My relationship with the Lord has never been the same since, not being able to discern His Will has has made me feel so distant from Him! I began dating a guy in the beginning of this year and I slowly started feeling like the blooming relationship with him was something the Lord was blessing me with after 5 years of not feeling His involvement in any of my relationship. Low & behold that crashed & burned, the guy ended things with no reason why and wants nothing to do with me Everything was going so great and then BAM a text ending things with no explanation and threw the friendship away (which hurts badly) Again I feel confused by God. This guy I was dating was literally all the things I had prayed to the Lord for in a man (I'm very specific )

It seems like all the Christians I know stumble into these amazing Christian relationships and get married right away. Yet God doesn't do that for me. Am I not being Christian enough? I know thats silly. And honestly I think maybe I'm making an idol out of marriage now & wanting to be in a Godly loving relationship.

Pray for me to be able to surrender my wants to the Lord and for me to stop trying to do thing my own way.

[mlg]

I've come to see that marriage is something that we hope for but that we should not live for...does that make sense? In other words...we need to live for God and what He would have us be for Him...and if someone comes along that God brings into our life and blesses us with and that results in marriage...then we have received what we hoped for...but if he does not...and we are living for God...then we also have already received the blessings we hope for through Him...

Keep your head up...God is still in control.

[thywillbedone]

Wow I can't believe how much I let myself get off track with this! I haven't written in weeks! But I would like to say that God is SO good! I don't even know where to start! God has used things for His good yet again!
After the guy I was dating ended things out of nowhere I got really down and felt God had turned his back on me. I didn't go to my classes at all that week, missed out on taking a test. But God turned my weaknesses around and gave me another chance! I met up with my professor who graciously allowed me to do a makeup test..unfortunately I didn't do well on it...but he helped me take the test and then allowed me to come back and take it again after studying some more. I was able to bring my grade up 15 points! I chose him to be my academic adviser/mentor, he helped me discover a new way to studying that was super effective with my learning disability. Finally for the 1st time in years I was able to study and actual remember what I learned! Praise God! My adviser also made me aware of internship opportunities that would be able to get me a job when I graduate! God is so good!
Also, I realized that although the guy I had been dating was a Christian, he wasn't actively trying to grow in a relationship with God. While I may never know why he ended things I now see why it happened in the bigger picture. I have prayed to God for years to send me a Godly man who I could grow with spiritually and would go to church with me, read the Bible with me, and would live his life on fire for God...I realize that God is being faithful and wasn't just going to let me settle on a guy who is less than what I've prayed for. I now see that I need to have complete faith in the fact that God hears my prayers and will provide in His timing! I just need to be patient and not settle.

Even greater than all these things is the fact that my family all go together for my birthday. It was the first time in years! My two brothers had problems with eachother but it looks like they're putting their problems in the past. My brother in law has struggled with a drinking problem for some time now and it took him off his course towards becoming a pastor. This past week he went back to church!! My other brother has struggled with believing in God for years now but told me last weekend that he would come with me to church next time he is home! All I can say is praise the Lord!!

[Dora]

Amen! God is Good. Thank you for sharing.

I had a simular experience with a guy breaking up with me out of the blue after praying over who I would marry. I am a bit anxious to know where God takes you from here. He's making a testimony of His love and guidance I am certain.

God loves ya and so do I!