Christianity Oasis Forum

[sharonleeu]

Much love and prayers to you Kim ! Jesus loves you !

[kimby]

He is good. He doesn't lie. He doesn't change. He loves me.
How long before I absolutely trust all of that to be true? How long before I fully count on it?

Yes, when things are good...and by good, I mean, when I feel like I am getting things right...those statements are not too terribly hard to believe. But when things are not as good...and of course, by not good, I mean, when I falter and fail...I refuse to even consider they might still hold. I do it to protect myself, but today, I started to realise I am actually only hurting myself. I am only prolonging the pain and separation from Him. It is torture...the longing to turn to Him for reassurance coupled with the fear of doing so.

Why do I do it? Why when things are hard am I most likely to stay as far from Him as possible? And why even though I have seen it happen more than once do I continue to fall for it?

[vahn]

Hey Kimby

Why do I do it? Why when things are hard am I most likely to stay as far from Him as possible? And why even though I have seen it happen more than once do I continue to fall for it?

Why do we do it ? , because that's what we do , at least that's what I did , and , still do from time to time , but , the good thing is that they are a lot less in frequency and "severity" .
In my case , my biggest disapointment stemmed from thinking that I will NEVER do such things again -whatever the case maybe that's making us "think" of our separation from Him - and that was because of someone else's false pretense that was passed on to me that once we accept our Lord as our personal saviour we automatically qualify for sainthood ... ok , rephrase ... we do qualify but however we still need to learn how to get there , and as it is common learning involves a great deal of mistakes , in fact , the LESS mistakes we make the LESS we learn , a weird paradox , hey ...

The thing I had to , and still keep remembering at ALL TIMES that MAKING a MISTAKE does NOT make ME a mistake . That God is NEVER far (I'm the one who puts that gap in between us by feelings of guilt , shame , or what have you ) But what is it that I am actually doing by my reluctance ? Isn't it a form of saying , "I don't think You're "able" to forgive me ? Or humor my human behaviour ? Or , You won't teach me and help me learn from what I've done ? "

Kimby , ... you know better than that , I know it , so does He . Get up , dust off , and move on !



Luv ya
In Christ , our Lord
vahn

[Dora]

Kimby your relationship with Christ has grown tremendously. The two of you talk and share in such a beautiful way. I love it! I am certain He loves it even more.

I trust God is going to continue to refine some of these issues out of your relationship. He keeps seeking and you do to. Together you'll get there. He is good like that and wont let you sit where you are. There is more.

God loves you Kimby and so do I. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((ginormousbearhug)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[kimby]

I realised something.
I refuse to trust Him. I avoid Him. And somehow, somewhere in there, I start to blame Him for it all.
I am the author of the whole mess, and yet find myself becoming angry and bitter with Him.
I try to keep doing what He has told me to do, but I avoid Him and try to do it on my own..and then am angry with Him because He asked me to do something that was too hard.
I use every ounce of willpower to not turn to Him for comfort...and then feel bitter that I am enduring it all alone.
I make the decision that His love for me has run out...and then am frustrated that He doesn't love me.
How unfair I can be to Him! How difficult and miserable I can make things for myself.

[dema]

When we are weak, then he is strong. You said yourself, "Like a little child." Hugs.

[Tam]

I realised something.
I refuse to trust Him. I avoid Him. And somehow, somewhere in there, I start to blame Him for it all.
I am the author of the whole mess, and yet find myself becoming angry and bitter with Him.
I try to keep doing what He has told me to do, but I avoid Him and try to do it on my own..and then am angry with Him because He asked me to do something that was too hard.
I use every ounce of willpower to not turn to Him for comfort...and then feel bitter that I am enduring it all alone.
I make the decision that His love for me has run out...and then am frustrated that He doesn't love me.
How unfair I can be to Him! How difficult and miserable I can make things for myself.

Now that you have realised this stop beating yourself up and run to Him and ask Him for forgiveness.
Let Him do what He does best and that is Love you unconditional. Why are we always so hard on us when we get the revelation of something He has been trying to show us?
I am so proud of you sis!!!!
Love ya
Tam

[Dora]

I use every ounce of willpower to not turn to Him for comfort...and then feel bitter that I am enduring it all alone.

You are soooooo not alone! He feels your pain deeper than you even you allow yourself to feel it. He knows every single ounce of pain and He chooses to feel it too.

I think you are fabulous and this dance you share with Him is fun to watch. Even though at times you seem to stop dancing I know you'll be back in His arms, standing on your tippie toes on top of His feet as He swirls you around and around.

[kimby]

Please bear with me. I am going to keep journaling this until I get it, because, quite frankly, my inability to go to Him is stagnating every other area.

How is it that here I can see it, can realise what is happening, what I am doing, and yet, when the moment comes to turn and run into His arms my feet are rooted to the spot? If it were always the same thing that locked me into place I think it might be easier to sort out, but it isn't. Sometimes it is fear, gut-wrenching, heart-stopping terror. Other times it is anger and stubbornness or frustration. The knowledge that I don't deserve to have His arms wrap around me creeps in. And sometimes it is just indifference. I hate that last one...the knowledge deep down that I need to fight, but the complete lack of strength to do so.

Maybe I need to back my searching up a step. If I never left His embrace there would be no struggle to return. So what makes me leave? I can honestly say, for the most part, I don't know. It just happens. In the course of the day or when I awake in the morning, I realise I have stepped back, distanced myself. Why?! Yes, sometimes I do it on purpose. Sometimes I can point to the exact reason. But most of the time I don't make a conscious decision to do so; it's happened before I realise. I so want to get this right, want this particular battle to be over!

I have had fits posting this. I have had to type it up multiple times because it has disappeared. I don't know if that is Him or the enemy trying to stop me.

[dema]

As far as your entry disappearing, you might try copying it before you submit. Then you can paste if it disappears. But, I think rewriting it was probably good for you.

Sometimes we are afraid that we will lose ourselves by giving ourselves. This isn't true - but it is such a logical thought that it is difficult to abandon. Children hit a certain point of self-awareness where it is "Me do it".

I imagine that the issue with your earthly father is still in the equation somewhere.

I struggle so much with knowing when it is God's voice. It seems that there are so many sounds and voices. Certainly there are the evil voices, the whispers. But, I think our will comes in and says what we want God to tell us and convinces us it is so sometimes as well. There is peace with God's voice. And a calm confidence. When it is another voice, there is frequetly adrenalin. But, God's voice calms. Quiet confidence.

And then there is the fact that you are human. Even the preacher's wife, a devout woman, says she has to set reminders to pray. That the cares of the world make her forget. Distractions do that. And our lives are filled with distractions. It is the human condition. Perhaps you could put butterflies or some other symbol around in your life and try to train yourself to think of God when you see it?

This is called brainstorming. I hope one or more of the thoughts helps.

[kimby]

For this moment, for today, I haven't avoided Him. I haven't run. I haven't hid. I have clung to Him with arms wrapped around His neck. It feels good to be where I belong. Yes, belong. Not because I deserve to be there, but simply because He wants me there. Head down, I tried to pour out my "I'm sorry's," but He let me get no further than the first syllable before I was scooped up and embraced. This is what I was afraid of? This is what I resisted?

I will work on the sharing my heart with Him, but for the moment, I am going to just...be.

[momof3]

Amen....sounds like He is just asking you to be still and know.....you are His, you are loved, you are forgiven, you are free...and His Spirit is giving you much needed peace. Stay in His presence..it is a beautiful place to be. God bless you, Kimby. His will be done in all things in your life.


in Jesus,
love momo