Christianity Oasis Forum

[stillstanding]

a couple things happened in my walk today. i finally found the courage to go back and finish some reading of my new dear friends testimonies...stories i had attempted to read already once when i first got to Oasis a few weeks ago. i wasn't able to complete the reading then because of the pain the authors suffered and the pain the reading caused me. i gotta tell ya i still cried and cried today.

there is so much of my life i just plain dont remember. whether i blocked stuff out or i was too wasted for my brain to make a memory or whatever i dont know. i do know that the testimonies i read made me wonder about it. i've wondered before. i have concentrated on trying to remember things before and come up with a few little things. i remember the gist. i remember enough.

one thing i remembered today was playing with a ouija board. i was a freshman in high school. my friend and i played it all the time. we would even draw our own on paper and use a coin if we didnt have the actual board with us. we would sleep over at her house and smoke her parents pot and drink their whiskey and play with the ouija board. i was playing it another time at my house with different friends and i saw something a dog like thing in a shadowy form. i dont remember why i quit playing with that. i think other things just came up and i moved on. a few years later when i was in my first attempt to get back to God, i felt and saw a crow like creature of shadow form in my room. it woke me from sleep. i was terrified. i prayed. i fell asleep to a vision of myself wrapped in glowing white robes sitting in my Father's lap.

the other thing about today...im having a personal struggle about another person. i talked to one of my new friends about it last night and she helped me feel safe about it. and today i talked to a couple others about it. this person i am having issues with - and my issues here are on me. this person has in no way done anything to me or said anything to me personally - but when they talk something about the things they say makes me wanna run far and fast. so i was sharing with some people i have recently come to value deeply and one of them pulled me aside and asked me what was up. i explained what was going on and she said maybe thats God makin you face whatever this is....and it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. this person i am having issues with reminds me of my brother.

so, whew, more boxes to go through. my brother is 8 years younger than me...he is my only sibling. our childhood was ick and i took my anger out on him. he wanted me to hold him and love him and want to spend time with him and i didnt. instead i became the instant babysitter and my mom went to work. i resented him. ow. im a horrible horrible mean natured thing.

he is an alcoholic. he has been in jail 3 times for DUI/DWI. i have carried so much guilt for so very long because i pushed him towards where he is. i lead and he followed. i got out and he got stuck. i traded alcohol and drugs for other comforts.

he used to call me at all hours and want to talk about his philosphy for hours into the night. always wasted when he called. the phone would ring and wake my kids. one night he told me Jesus was just another teacher. i thought he was saved about when he was 8. i remember the times. i think he has something to prove now. i think he wants to try and be a left behind. after he tried to tell me i was a fool for still believing in Jesus i quit answering the phone when he'd call. he won't listen to me or anyone. now he won't talk to me. my parents pray and pray and pray and I am certain every Christian they know prays. and i pray and sob and pray. and beg forgiveness. and try to forget.

[Dora]

Don't you think it's hard for a young adult to give love to a younger sibling when they didn't receive love. How can we give what we do not know?

Morta I want you to know that things might get ruff as you try to sort out these things that keep haunting you, but everything is going to be alright.

It really is.

Lots of questions may come up. Just trust In Him with them. I still have questions and He is still asking me to just trust Him. It's hard to do cause after all it's us we're talking about. Putting the talk to work is difficult. Easier to tell someone just trust, than it is to just trust. It is the way to peace. He has you in all of this.

I wouldn't force the memories. Ask Him to bring to mind what He wants you to see and only what He wants you to see.

I'm here for you if you ever need a friend, shoulder, or prayer.

[mlg]

I'm so glad you are pushing yourself to finish what you started. I think the hardest part of crossing the bridge, comes about the halfway point...you look back and you look forward...and often if we become afraid...we run back to where we came from instead of going forward...it's almost human nature...glad you are now going forward.

luv ya

[dema]

All you can do is start from now. And if you mess up, start from the new now. God loves you. Jesus died for your sins. You are clean through Jesus, not through yourself. And you start new right now.

You can call your brother - and let him hang up on you. And call him again and again. You CAN accept God's forgiveness - again and again. The shame and blame will come back - and you can accept the blood of Jesus washing them away - again, and again until your heart accepts love for most of the minutes of every day. Accept God's love for more minutes of every day. And find ways to show it to others.

Baby steps - more good minutes, and more good minutes. Living on the promises. Believing the promises, and kicking shame and blame out the door.

[stillstanding]

thinking about what Pine said....yeah i havent learned what love is until now. since i got to oasis. i mean ive known the definition and i have believed always that Gods love is unconditional. but i have not known or shown love to anyone, ever. im still learning. but i do love you all. honest heart felt love. and its weird, but its wonderful and its like....free-ing - if that makes sense?

people have told me of course that they love me. but the actions didnt match up with the definition so it was kinda just null.

i'm thinking that right now is about healing and learning to love and that remebering stuff could defeat that ...or at least slow it down so i'm backin outta that. letting go and letting God show me when its time - His time. thanks for that advice Pine
:D

sometimes, dema, it feels like asking over and over for His forgiveness is like not accepting it in the first place. if i gave it to Him and accepted His forgiveness it is gone and He says He has forgiven that - and has cast it as far as the east is from the west - someone said to me once that it pains Him to re-ask. the enemy throws it at me and i should say to him get outta my head cuz that is covered by the Blood! and pray and move on. so you are saying to remember the forgiveness and remember to accept it rather than ask and ask for it whenever i think of it? thank you so much for replying to my post...i value all the input and encouragement i get from you all.

much love :D

God bless yall oodles and gobs.

[dema]

Yes. I'm saying to just keep letting it go. Accept the forgivenes over and over again and let the bad stuff go over and over again. Sometimes symbolism helps. Put your hands in a tight fist. Hold them out straight in front of you. Turn them over and stretch your fingers out straight - so anything in them would fall to the ground.

Or write the things that keep coming back on a piece of paper. Then burn the piece of paper. Or shred it. Or flush it. Or, build a cross and nail the paper to the cross - double it over first.

God forgives and forgets. We have trouble with being forgiven and particularly with letting it go.

If you are strong enough to just think about something else - that's terrific. And that is another thought - you need to replace the thought with something else. Have good happy thoughts ready to pull out of your pocket.

[stillstanding]

i keep coming back and reading this. i am taking your advice. it's gonna take a lil more time. but He who started the work will be faithful to complete in me. amen.

ty

[Dora]

amen!

he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

[xxJILLxx]

Hello sorta,

Wow! It is such a blessing to be a witness of how God renews us in mind body and soul! Thank u for letting us come along with you on this beautiful walk Him.

From glory to glory!

Take a few moments on you walk to take in the beautiful scenery and to stop and smell the roses. You are at a wonderful pace with your walk .

God bless and keep you sis, glad to have you as my sister!

Love,
Jill

[deetu]

hey sorta, about that ouiji board.... ask God to forgive you for ever playing with it and break off any curses that may have come from it in Jesus name.
Pray the way you feel the Holy Spirit guiding but please break it off.
love ya

[stillstanding]

the actual ouija board belonged to a friend. i havent touched another one or made a paper one since high school. that was something i felt very convicted about and i totally believe it let a lotta bad junk into my life that didnt hafta be.

i have asked forgiveness for that and its one of the ones the enemy tries to use against me even still. so i say thank you Lord for loving me and for sending Your only Son, Jesus to die for my sins that i could be forgiven. Thank you for your forgiveness, Father, for all of those horrible things i have done. In Jesus precious name, amen.