Christianity Oasis Forum

[ciny]

Hi Kimby love ya sis im thankful to that God gives us chances first second and third and i am thankful is that he will never right us off he will never leave us or forsakes us like the world dose.
Keep going on those walks with God he is our best friend and loves us so very deeply.love ys Kimby God bless.

[kimby]

Moving on to the next step today and realised I hadn't properly journaled on the two before. I don't want to forget what I have seen and heard and learned.

The study on grace...I think this one showed me the discrepencies in what I say and what I believe. I had no problem with God's grace...as it applied to others...but reading this study and seeing over and over the word 'you' was hard. God loves you. Jesus died for you. He is looking out for you. You are forgiven. I am comfortable being the one making those statements to someone else. Reading them and knowing it was being said about me was hard. In the time since I did that study, I've spent a bit of time with Jesus and have learned not to cringe so much when I hear it. It is still hard to sit still and hear Him say, "I love you." I don't want that. If He wants to say it, I want to be able to hear it...and receive it...and believe it.

Forgiveness...now to be honest, this is one I thought I had sorted. How wrong I was! I had been being confronted with the need to forgive for quite some time when I found myself in a place earlier this year where I knew it had to be done. I saw that it could damage my relationship with God. So, you see, I thought it was done and dusted. Not quite. As I read memories came...memories that made it clear that, no, I hadn't forgiven much at all. Reading the list of levels of forgiveness...yep, hit every one of those. I spent days on this study, days of allowing Jesus to come closer and work in me and a few days of fighting Him and telling Him off too. I can't say as I am there yet, but I am learning to be willing to follow His lead. The study said forgiveness is as though it never happened. I can't begin to grasp this. I am not even to the point of wanting this. I want to be able to remain angry, I want to be able to hold a grudge, I want to be able to continue to ignore. But I don't think that is what Jesus wants...I need Him to change my desires to be more like His.

[vahn]

Hello again Kimby

Glad to see you coming this far in the studies . That alone shows me and others the extent of your willingness to go on , wanting to or not , I took the liberty of going back a couple pages and read them , and I do see the so-called "struggle" , and , indeed it is a struggle , or rather , it becomes one only if met with resistance , a tug of war of a sort ,the more we resist the more difficult it gets to pull , and if we continue on doing so , eventually we tire and we either give up or let go of the rope .

Reading on , I came across the source of the "resistance" . It appears you desperately wanting to receive and , however you would like to do so without having to let go of the negative .
Well , allow me to give an analogy to a situation like that .

When we are ready for dinner , we grab a dish from the cupboard , the dish is clean , right ? Now we put our food morsels on the dish , and we are fed and stomaches filled and our bodies receive the nourishment and we are sustained . Now , all of a sudden , we call that same dish "dirty" ( I could never figure out why) , but regardless , we go about to "clean" this same dish that was clean to begin with before we added to food on it . How do we go about cleaning ? It would not make any sense if we were to say , "well how about we just add some "clean" into the dish would it ?" No , we simply remove the leftover morsels from the dish , the dish gets cleaned all by itself , remember it was clean before right ?

You mentioned , part of you saying "I want to be able to remain angry, I want to be able to hold a grudge, I want to be able to continue to ignore. " I have a question for that , "Is there any benefit in that ? "


In Christ , our Lord

[kimby]

You mentioned , part of you saying "I want to be able to remain angry, I want to be able to hold a grudge, I want to be able to continue to ignore. " I have a question for that , "Is there any benefit in that ? "

There probably isn't, but right now that is honestly how I feel. Treating them as though nothing happened is beyond my realm of understanding. To speak to them, to be courteous, is far, far more than they deserve. Don't get me wrong, I know that this isn't what He wants...just not sure how to get from here to there.

[kimby]

I hate....
I didn't know the damage those two little words could do. I didn't know that something said in a moment of frustration or hurt could hang on to cause problems later. He reminded me that I have said them on more than one occasion.

I keep getting surprised by what hidden things He keeps bringing out. It's like opening a lunchbox that mom packed...except these aren't delicious surprises. It's like opening it and finding tuna fish and carrot sticks...makes me want to shut it all back in there and pretend it doesn't exist. I don't know what to do with this stuff. I can repent and apologise for saying I hate them, but does that really change how I feel about them? I'm not sure.

I have been working on taking down the walls between Jesus and I...and on recognising when I throw them back up. Last night He wanted to deal with a different wall. He wanted access through the one around my heart. Allowing Him in was so painful. It has left me numb.

[deetu]

Little by little... getting stronger every day

[kimby]

Jesus showed me again last night that He is good and that I can trust Him to be a gentleman. He wanted to remove some things from my heart but wouldn't without my permission. He even helped me come to the point where I would grant it! He gave me a place where I could be safe while He worked, a place where the pain wasn't so great this time. He had me sit in His father's arms while He was at work...so much better than on my own. I hope I remember to take His suggestions next time.

I am no longer numb. I asked Him about it yesterday, if I would always feel that way. He told me it was just a temporary gift...one given until He could finish what He started. It was a good gift, but I am glad I don't need it anymore.

Everytime, every new thing He asks, I get so afraid and then I sit on this side of it wondering what exactly it was that I was so afraid of. When he broke through the wall around my heart, He only made an opening big enough for Him to get through. I asked Him yesterday if the rest of it was going to stay up or have to come down. He let me know that it would soon be coming down. I think for now, I will do my best to trust that He knows best. I want to not fear it and not fight it when the time comes. That's what I want.

[deetu]

Thank you Lord

[Dora]

No reason to fear Him hu?

You got it. Praise God!

Love ya! Jesus loves ya to.

[kimby]

When will I ever learn?

[Dora]

It's a process. Slowly. Baby steps. Learn to be patient with yourself as He is patient with you.

Some compare learning to the Israelites going around and around that mountain.

I see it as more like a slow dance.

Ever see a little girl dancing with her daddy?

[deetu]

When will I ever learn?

You are