Christianity Oasis Forum

[living4Him]

Don't even know what to say......These last 7 days have been a roller coaster ride with extreme highs and DEEP lows. I am sure, after reading the lesson today, that the lies that have been and still are deeply embedded in my subconscious mind are to blame. I get so confused at times that it all seems like truth.....but how can the disgusting and hurtful thoughts be truth? I know that those of you who have gotten to know me a little are becoming frustrated with me.....all I can say is that I am sorry. Maybe I am just so mentally ill that I am never going to get this......my mind stays so confused.....just when I get a glimpse of clarity it is gone again.....I had a life at one time......a good one......and I am trying desperately to hold on to the hope that I will have that again.....but it is getting harder and I feel I am getting weaker. Every step forward that I have taken the last 7 days seems to be followed by 3 steps back. I was told today that I am a mistake and should have never been born.....maybe my Mom is right.......

[living4Him]

Maybe I should start the Path again? My heart isn't in it......and I know it won't work if I can't put my whole self into it. Maybe I should wait and do it another time.....suggestions?

[mlg]

living4Him...you know often we can get stuck in a rut...and then we get this attitude of I don't care and I don't want to and it becomes all about us...but in reality it is not about us but about God...you need to do this not for you...but for God...you need to finish the steps...if that means starting again and doing it right...then do so..but whatever it takes....give God the chance He deserves...let God be pleased that you want to get better for Him.

Time to truly let go and let God!

luv ya

[living4Him]

I appreciate the encouragement......but I read and try to do these lessons and half of the time I can't even focus on what is being said. It is like trying to understand greek. I know what the bible says......but right now having trouble believing it........I just want to shut down....trying not to do that....but the urge is there.

[mlg]

Uh huh that's because the enemy wants you to shutdown...it's his ammo.

Ok...the studies can be a bit lengthy at time...so how about breaking them down...do 1/2 of one each day...or even a 1/4 of one...that way you are absorbing less and you can ask questions if you are confused or need help. You can do this...but it is going to take the effort.

Praying for you.

luv ya

[Mackenaw]

Hello Living4Him

God bless you this day.

Let me see, how do I say what's on my heart? Lord, help me here.

Living4Him, you are a passionate woman, but over the years depression has seduced, taunted and even wined and dined ya -- some of it manageable, some of it so deep and dark that you just wanted it to stop but were too weak to even cry. You had times that you were able to function, but you knew that your highs were not even up to the "normal" level on most people's Richter scale of life.

And having worked in the Medical field and being bright enough, you thought, what? What do I do now? I know all the medical reasons for depression and what medicines to administer to people suffering, so why can't I get a handle on this? So you learned to manage on a level that most people would consider the depths of despair.

But, it kept getting darker. And then you reached for things to titillate the imagination and please the flesh. Some do it through food, some through alcohol and/or drugs, and others through the things most don't talk about openly. But in the morning, upon the dawning of a new day, you were left with those same haunting and torturous thoughts where loneliness and the deafening quiet SCREAM, but only to your ears.

Then one day you come upon a site -- a Christian site where you think Wow!! maybe there is hope. You find encouragement and others are telling you how a particular study blessed them so much, and everyone seems almost giddy. It's kinda annoying, yet refreshing at the same time.

So you start the Study, and you feel 1 - 2 degrees better, and then you get tired, and geez it feels like I'm digging a ditch and I'm tired and exhausted -- a little hopeful, but my bones are weary. And some of the annoying frolic is really starting to tick ya off a bit. I mean, who can really be that happy? Give me a break. And you are reminded that you are a smart person, and you have a brain and have managed for all these years -- maybe not to the heights you had wanted, but you managed. Soooooo, maybe this just isn't the time for me to do this Study. Besides, I know the scriptures.

Oh, sorry Living4Him, I was supposed to be talking about you, wasn't I?

My bad.

God bless and keep you.
In Christ's love,
Mack

[living4Him]

I don't know anything any more......everything in my head is a big ball of confusion......

[mlg]

Great...now that you are realizing that you don't know the answers sis...maybe you will turn to the one who does...JESUS! Give Him a chance.

luv ya