Christianity Oasis Forum

[Tam]

ok Day 2

Reading this day I am in agreement that the problem is not me totally but that the seeds were planted early on and have grown for years.
I have learned to accept all the things that were done to me and said to me over my lifetime. They became a part of me. They made up who I was and who I would ever be. Why? Because that is all I knew so that is what was allowed. You see every where I went or turned there were lies spoken over me.
Lies such as you will never be a nobody, you will never amount to anything, You are such a failure. Why are you embarrassing our family like that. YOu are stupid, you idiot I am sorry that you are my child. I wish your mom and I had never mad that mistake.
You are not the brightest nut that fell from the tree. You are a disgrace.
and on and on and on and on.
Well you see after hearing that all my life, I began to believe all that and today that is just what I believe and it is very hard to change that belief but I am working on putting the truth in. It will just take a while for me to grasp it.
I had to get to a point in my life where I want to believe what is true. I want to believe what my heavenly Father says about me. Well I think that I have reached that point. I am sick and tired of the devil keeping me down and tearing my insides out. I am the only one that can put a stop to all that so that is what I am doing.
I did these steps to deal with all the sexual abuse in my life but never really focused on the other stuff. Maybe that is because that is because God thought I needed to take it one step at the time so not to overwhelm me.
If I say anything in my posting in the days to come that offends anyone that is not my intentions. I am just going to say what is on my mind and heart so that I can get all this crud out of my life.
I can not worry about what you or anyone else thinks or says about me right now. I have got to totally focus on the word of God and what He says about me because that will be the only truth that I know.

Goals I had set for myself growing up I never accomplished because I was told I was to stupid for that. Thus failure.
Everything I did I tried to do 100% but was never good enough or right ....thus failure.
Started college failed at that to. Oh I had the grades to pass...just couldn't go into what I wanted to because I was to stupid so went into business to please dad and was miserable so dropped out.
Worked very hard in school to keep A's so that maybe I would be good enough....no that didn't work either. Still a igit or a failure. Nothing ever worked.
I am 45 years old and I still see myself as that way! This is what I am wanting to change. I know that I can't do it on my own. I know that God has given me loving people here to encourage me and to help me get on the right track. They tell me all the time that They believe in me, they love me and they are here for me. In my mind I am thinking yeah right and what are they wanting. But I am learning to believe that that is so true, that they do love me, that they do believe in me and that they are there for me.
There is someone here that always calls me names and then sis. ******** sis (good names) and I look at those and think, why is she saying that? Where did that come from? When she does that I feel something in side of me that feels good. WHat is it...I don't know but instead of trying to push it out and say no way is that me.....I just say to myself......maybe one day that will really be me. Maybe one day I will see what they are talking about and know that Yes He does Love me and Yes I Am precious in His sight.
Well I have jabbered enough for one day. Please do not be offened if you say Love me and I do not reply. Cause I am working through how someone can love me and not really know me. I don't want to say it for it just to be words. I want it to come from my heart Ok?
Thank you for all your support and prayers that you give me here.
Tam

[mlg]

Wooohooo!!!! Honesty!!! Finally...getting out the crud...and now being able to make room for all the goodies...and when I say goodies I don't mean cake and candy either just teasing....but I am so excited to see you actually not only doing the steps but doing them the way you need to in order for YOU to heal! God is smiling.

As I was reading...I thought to myself...Tam doesn't truly know the love God has for her...and that my sister will be the break through...when you can finally see and accept His love for what it truly is...Spiritual love...agape! My sweet sister...you are so beautiful and you don't even realize it...but you will soon...you keep pushing to get through this and grow and heal...and the Light will shine so brightly...you will be enlightened! I can't wait.

Thanks for sharing your journey...write whatever you need to sis...as this is your journal...and no one is required to read your journal...and we all make a choice to do so...this journal is for YOU! All your own...but some people...like myself...will be dropping by to cheer you on! Let go Tam and let God! You can do this. All things are possible with God!

luv ya bunches and bunches

[Tam]

Thanks for the reply mlg

Tam doesn't truly know the love God has for her

That is what I have been telling everyone and they all tell me that Yes I do!

THanks for finally seeing that

[mlg]

Well don't worry because by the time you get the closet cleaned out...you WILL!

luv ya

[Dora]

Tam I enjoyed reading your post. I hope you dig up those goals and dreams and go for them once again.



Anxious to see what the steps will bring you. Praying for you.

[xxJILLxx]

Hi tammy tam!

woo hooo! You go girly! Glad to see u on your journey!

ok ok

down to business...

Let me share this story with you.

a beautiful example of someone who learned not only how much God loved her, but also went on to experiencing God loving others through her.

Linda was brought up in a church that taught that God was a God of Righteousness, Justice and Judgment - not a God of Love, but One to be feared. (The truth is, of course, that God is a God not only of Righteousness, Justice and Judgment, but also of Love, Mercy and Compassion.)

Therefore, when Linda's personal life began to fall apart, she found no consolation from a God of Justice and Holiness. She needed Someone who personally loved her and cared for her. Finally, one of her friends (from another church) showed her from Scripture, that God is a God not only of Holiness, Justice and Righteousness, but also a God of Love, Compassion, Forgiveness and Mercy. He told her that God not only loved her and would forgive her for all her transgressions, but that He also wanted to heal her and fill her with His Love so that she could pass it on to others.

Linda could hardly believe what she was hearing; it was too wonderful to even comprehend. Was God really like this? Did He really love her like that? Could she really learn to love others with His Love?

The first few weeks after that conversation, Linda tried to believe in a God who unconditionally loved her. Each time she chose to step out in faith, however, the old nagging doubts came rushing back in and the overwhelming fear of condemnation and guilt consumed her.

She finally ended up - out of pure desperation - writing down all of God's promises of Love in the Bible on 3x5 index cards, and carrying these cards with her wherever she went (in her pocket, in her purse or in her car).

When the doubts, unbelief, and the enemy's taunts came in, she quickly confessed and repented of them, whipped out those cards, and read out loud how much God loved her. Finally, she chose to step out in faith and believe what God's Word said. Even though she didn't "feel" anything yet, she persevered by faith and God honored her obedience by eventually aligning her feelings with her choice.

In His timing and way, she began to have "living experience" that God did, indeed, love her. And, upon that solid foundation, she was able to continue her walk with God and learn to love others.

Linda, to me, is a perfect example of a Christian who believed in God, but didn't have living experience that He loved her. Therefore, she was not able to move forward in her Christian walk.

The Christian walk is a faith walk, not a feeling walk.


Love u much tammy!

♥Jill

[Tam]

Thanks Pine and Jill for the encouragement.
Appreciate you taking the time to respond

[mlg]

Jill says: She finally ended up - out of pure desperation - writing down all of God's promises of Love in the Bible on 3x5 index cards, and carrying these cards with her wherever she went (in her pocket, in her purse or in her car).

Hmmm Tam look at that...I think Holy Spirit trying to tell ya something check my private message to you.

[xxJILLxx]

Love the way He works through the Body of Christ!

Confirmation!


God bless

♥Jill

[Tam]

Thanks mlg and Jill Yes that was confirmation
Went and got a note book and am writing down all the reasons I feel that He doesn't love me and gonna find the scriptures for why He does.

Finding reasons Why I think He doesn't is easy
Finding scriptures why He does is hard.(lol)

[Tam]

Day 3 God's Grace

God's Grace reveals that if you TRULY believe in Jesus, you would know that He loves you so much, that He was willing to die for you, and did. You will WANT to do what He wants you to do, because you would know that He is looking out for your best interests.

Truly believe in Jesus. Well I can do that for you ...but am not there for me yet. I am working on knowing that He loves me just because He wants to and not because of what I can do. I am working so hard to get His approval when I already have it so you all say. People say You know better Tam You know that you have it .Well honestly I don't know. If I did, I would not be here right now. You see I am always asking myself why did I get saved? Why do I believe? Why do I think that He would love such a loser like me? ( I am not a loser...He says that I am victorious) Will He still love me if I miss up. Will he ever abandon me? I hear all the answers to these questions from you guys but I don't know them for myself. How can I believe in Him? How can I know that He loves me? Yes I have to accept it and that is what I am working on . It may take me a while to get there but at least I am working right?
I have to be good so that He will love me. I have to be what He expects of me .
That is where I have not been. I have always tried to be what everyone expects me to be and I have always tried to please everyone and keep peace and happiness among all at whatever cost.
Have always felt that I am important to no one. So have took on that mentatility. I have thought nothing but negative and bad of me. Guess this is where His grace comes in .. no matter how stupid I am He still loves and accepts me Just as I am. ( I am not stupid, I have the mid of Christ)

Every day, each of us makes choices that have the capability to affect ourselves and others, whether the choice be good or bad. God allows mankind to make their own decisions because He doesn't want puppets. He allows us free will.

So this is where I have missed up for years and years. I have made the choices boing on the negative I have heard all my life. I have to chose to make the right choices. I have to choice what I believe and do not believe. This is where free will comes in right. I am starting to get this free will stuff and the making choices stuff.
I have a choice to like me as I am or to like me and to change into what He wants me to be. Well I sure don't know that that is not do I know why He would even want me but I am willing at all cost to find out why He would even love or want me.
I don't even know that He lives in me right now but I am sure by the time this is all over with I will know for sure. No doubts! I am hanging on the the fact that one day I will understand and believe the real truth. Until that day I am in search because what I have been hearing and believing has not been working for me . So what have I got to lose?
Once again thank you for listening to me jabber on.
Tam

[mlg]

Tam I have a question...do you love yourself? Do you love the creation God has made you to be?

luv ya