Christianity Oasis Forum

[Guest]

Hello, my name is Caroleen. I'm new on the block and would like to introduce myself. I'm here because I need Christian help and guidance ad friendship.

I am a wife, mother and grandmother. We have 3 sons and 6 precious grandchildren. I love being a wife, I love being a mother (most of the time) and I absolutely love being a grandparent. Therein lies the problem. I have a son that has 3 children. They only live about 3 miles frm us, we attend the same church. They ONLY want me in their lives when is convenient for them. There is so much to the story that i would take a whole page just to tell most of it.

I'm having a real problem not wanting to see the kids more than I do. I see them at church, they are not allowed to sit with me and they are scurried off to sit with mom and dad. I speak to them after church but again they are hurried off with mom. I adore my grandchidren. They could be my life but its not allowed. My hubby works many, many hours, hence I'm alone most of the time. I would love the opportunity to help my son and his wife but usually not allowed. It is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I need advice, help and support. I cannot tell you how many sleepless, tearful nights I've had since I've had grandchildren. Please pray for me and offer advice.

Thank you so much.

[mlg]

Hi Caroleen, Welcome to the Oasis! We are delighted to have you here with us.

Oh my precious sister, my heart goes out to you. I know how much you want to be part of your children and granchildren's lives...but I also know how your son and his wife need to be independent as they have their own life too.

I live close to my parents, and I have a 15 year old daughter. I too go to the same church as my parents, and my daughter sits with me instead of my mom. Is it because I don't want her to sit with mom? Of course not...it's just that I feel my daughter is my responsibility not my mom's. Now don't get me wrong, if my daughter asks to sit with my mom, then I would allow her to do so...but if she would prefer to sit with me then I'm not going to force her to sit with my mom. It doesn't mean we don't love my mom. I also must say that when I first moved near my parents, I had to set boundaries...as they were suffocating my daughter and I...trying to run our household...which really isn't their place. Children grow up...and the Bible says they will leave their parents and cleave unto one another. This often makes parents feel left out...but instead a parent should smile and be joyful that their children are following God's direction. Yes it is hard when you want to be involved...but as a grandparent...one must step back and let the parents be parents.

I'm just wondering...what was your relationship with your parents when you were raising your children?

My prayers are with you sis...you have come to the right place for friendship and healing. We are here for you. I hope you will join us in the chatroom sometime.

Take care and God Bless.

[Guest]

I totally agree with what you said, mlg but I think that the child that has both is well blessed. The Grandparents provide, most of the time, another security for that child and also another voice that is setting the same boundaries. To me that gives that child stability. I also believe that just because your children are raised doesn't mean that God is through with you concerning your family.

I was raised with a wonderful grandmother and grandfather that were such a stability in my life. I not only cherish the memories of them but thank God that they were there. Its a proven fact that grandparents that are allowed to be a part of a child's life live 10-15 years longer. Why, because they have purpose in life and I believe a God-given purpose.

If you study the scriptures it talks about passing down the torch from generation to generation. You cannot do that if you never see the child. Its very important, to me, to show and teach our grandchildren about our faith in the Lord. Anyway, I guess you can feel how strong I feel about it.

I really appreciate your ideas about it and I will think about what you've said. I do not want to "interfere" I just want to love them and have them love me.

[Dora]

Hello Caroleen It is my prayer that you hear what I have to say with a humble heart, free from judgment. I share as a sister and friend. A friends words are not always easy to swallow. I seek to only help you get a fuller understanding of the situation.

Who can say why they are doing this? Could be they have hard feelings of their own up bringing. Could be they feel you want to control them? Could be they don't want your ideas influenced on the children? Maybe they would like to raise their children their way in which they should be allowed. I'm not saying you've done anything to cause these feelings. Who knows what is behind this. Yet their thoughts and feelings are worth considering. Despite if they have good reason to feel the way they do, in your eyes or anyone elses eyes.

It is possible your children feel you would like to take the children from them to raise for yourself. For what ever reason, they feel you are a threat to their family. Why? It may be something out of your control. Or it may be something you are doing that gives them reason to feel threatened by your presence. If you want to solve this, you need to look at you and what you can do to change you. This counseling steps will help you in this. Again I'm not saying you did anything to cause this, yet you can not change them! The only thing you can change is you, your response, and your emotions.

Give them space to grow, to unite as one, to be the parents of their children.

Or less you may loose them completely.

A man is to leave his mother and clieve to his wife. With out this they can not have a healthy relationship. With out a healthy relationship between husband and wife there isn't a healthy home for those children. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce your support of the parents and their choices could help them to not be another broken family.

Pray for them! Daily. Not for what you want, but for God to make them one and for them to feel secure with each other. Because it is His will.

By the way, I'm glad to hear you wish to train them in the faith.

[mlg]

Caroleen...I see you are very passionate about your grandchildren, and this is great...it's good for children to know they have extra support in their life.

I think Pine has some thoughts there sis about something is causing a barrier between your son and his wife and you when it comes to the children. Maybe it's something in their life or maybe it's something you've said or done in the past. But whatever it is sis...we serve a God that can heal and build strong bonds. Prayer is the answer...and love.



Take care sis

[Guest]

I think the barrier is that when the grandchildren are around my hubby and I they want us to do things for them. Like last night they were on their way somewhere so they stopped by (which is very unusual but they needed something from us). I wasn't going and my little granddaughter (she's 2) just cried and cried because I wasn't going. I think in their immaturity they think its wrong for a child to cry after their grandparent.
They are jealous I believe that they love us so much.

The way I look at it is they are growing up fast. They won't always want the old folks around. They get friends as they get older and want to do other things, which is normal. I expect that. I just want to have a part in their lives, sometimes when we'd like to have them. It's only when they want us to and then its very short lived. If they get to have a sleepover they bring them at 8:30 PM and we have to have them home the next morning by 9:00 a.m. Well, all we got to do was sleep. No fun times at all. The kids start crying when the parents leave because we were instructed to put them to bed. Well, what fun is that! I have asked them to let us have them a little earlier but that never works. I don't know you'd have to live it to understand.

Just pray for me. Its sure hard seeing them at a distance.

[mlg]

Hi sis, well little ones don't understand at times...and they want their way so they cry in hopes they can have their way. Maybe the parents are jealous...but whatever their reasoning...you can't change them...but what you can do sis....is change your reaction to them. Learn to just be there when they want or need you sis...and appreciate those moments....as you have more than some grandparents who never see their grandchildren...sometimes we forget to be thankful for the small blessings as we yearn for more. Just know that God is in control sis...and He loves you and yours.

My prayers continue.

I'm just wondering if you are doing the counseling program here? Are you doing the steps sis?

Have a wonderful day in Jesus.

Take care

[Guest]

I'm sorry I don't know what you mean about the "counseling steps". What is that?

[mlg]

It's a 14 day counseling program. Here's the link http://www.christianityoasis.com/CCCC/Forum.htm

I think it would be good for you sis...to help bring some peace to your heart.

take care

[deetu]

Hi Caroleen

Sometimes, it's also the way that the daughter in law was raised. Are they close to her family? Going there more?

I was fortunate because I love my in laws. Became closer to them then my own parents... spending Sunday dinners there and them helping with my son until we moved an hour away.

hey, what would happen in you just sit down next to them in church? Say "hi" and just worship God? And then not push yourself on them after...just say "love you all", quick kisses and leave them before they are scurried away?

[Guest]

This didn't go thru before I guess.

I tried just going and sitting with them and my son said, "Mom, are YOU sitting here?" I said well, I thought I would since its the grandsons birthday, and they get to stand up for their birthday. He made another remark so I got up and left that pew.

I don't expect them to sit with me but it would be nice if they would sometimes. They did on Mothers Day but then they looked like they had eaten a lemon. Anyway, its just hard not to be treated like you're loved. I'm afraid their attitude is going to be passed on to the children.

[Dora]

Have you considered talking to the pastor there about this? After all I'm sure he sees the strife between you two already.