Christianity Oasis Forum

[jamisfaithnjoy]

The roller coaster to sin and back.What an appropriate title.Roller coasters eventually stop,you get off and someonelse hops on.Or they don't.Whose to say?Are roller coasters only for the strong and the brave or must we all ride at least one in our lives?For some,like myself,it is many.The fast ups and downs,the twists and turns,the unpredictabilty?Is that even a word?I don't know.I aced in English but there's alot I missed.I didn't learn "everything" there was to ever learn nor do I claim to or want to.It's my life.The life my father,the Lord,gave me.I was born into this world innocent and untainted but the world I was born into was hardly free from sin.I wished that I had been born into a much less hectic,abusive in every way,chaotic,seemingly unstable world.I do suppose though had I had the opportunity to have been bore into a "perfect" world,I would never meet my Creator.I think,alot.I'm compassionate,often.I love the most simple things in life.Their safe,beautiful,steadfast and loyal in their very existence.Flowers,a rainy day and the birds coming into the yard to eat the food I left out for the stray cat.I've been there all too many times.The prayers,the confusion,the pressure of the known and unknown,the dwindling faith,my falls from grace and back again.Finding most don't understand but hoping someone does.Hope.What a funny word in itself.It's kept me going many times but never quite given me a complete happiness or serenity I much desire.I wish..Another phrase I must have said about a million times over or better in my life so far.I wish like a kid.Do wishes really come true or is everything just luck of the draw I would ask myself as I waited in anticipation to see if what I had wished for would come true.A happy childhood.It did not.The boy in junior high that I had a crush on.Boys.ok,there were a couple.I always seemed to want what I couldn't have growing up.Why?I was nice I thought.I wasn't a Mensa student but I certainly wasn't in a low intelligence bracket either.My hair was curly.I had always hated it.The more "pretty" girls in school had long straight,free flowing hair.Their teeth were perfectly straight.They were always on the thin side.I had been blessed/cursed as I saw it, with a set of curves that would always make me feel "fat" or uncomfortable.I just wanted a way out.A way out of who I was,my home life,the authority I felt had failed me miserably.I wanted to run away far,far far away.Where no one would find me and I would be loved and safe.This place would not exist for most of my life hard as I searched for it.One hill after another.Up,down.Up,down.Would I even know what to do with a "normal" life if I had been fortunate enough to have it within my reach?I totally wasn't sure.I had never known anything concrete and "safe" at the same time.I sit here in this moment and look back at my life as a whole.What a blur!Someone get the windex please.I cannot see out these windows.I've sinned.I'm a sinner.I've "backslid".I've asked for forgiveness.I'm judged.I'm looked at.I'm watched but by who?Was it really happening or was it just demons playing tricks on my mind?I'm human.That's what I think.I hear people say it.Is it an excuse to keep doing what we do or is it the actual truth?Does it matter?It doesn't seem to bother me.I know my heart is right in God.Can I handle things differently in my life as a Christian?Why do I resort back to my old ways?How can I stay strong around non-Christians and sin when it comes to tempt?I know.I know the answer.It is stated God will provide an "out" when temptation comes a knocking.I search for it,I find it but how much longer can I hold on?I've had a few things in my life I held dear and for different reasons they were stripped away.I've learned not to get too close.I've learned not to love too deeply.I've learned to not trust.I'm a human being living amongst others who also sin and try to tear me apart like the prey a lion devours.They sin,I sin.Who wins?God does.Always.Forever.Can I bring my troubles and worries to the Lord?You betcha.Do I feel secure and safe in that?Sometimes.Honesty.Is it the best policy.Some say yes.Some disagree.I guess I've never had many options to not be honest as my foot always seemed to end up in my mouth.My mom..those words I can still hear.."Don't you ever think before you speak?"..Think about what?Filter out what I want to say to appease someonelse so I bury my true feelings or thoughts about something.I think not.I'm sorry but that just seems I would end up with a total migraine and feel very,very clogged up inside.But you don't seem to mind when it benefits you.I'm am not my own.I am not even your child.I am God's child.He allows me to be just who I am.He is my Father,my judge,my jury,my companion of companions and loves me to no end.How could I ever want to get off this roller coaster of life?I do.My mind desires rest.Rest from the wicked.Rest from repetitious sin.Rest from worry.Rest from feeling that ever there feeling that I am not "safe" for long wherever I may go.Lord,please help these feelings to ease up.Today,yesterday and always.I beg you.I need you Lord.I trust in You..I feel a sense of peace.Free to be me.Thank you Lord. ~Your Child

[Mackenaw]

Faithnjoy

God bless and keep you.
Love,
Mack

[mlg]

Hey faithnjoy God knew that we would struggle with sin...that is why He sent Jesus to die for our sins...so that He could forgive us and love us unconditionally...as Jesus blood covers our sins so God only sees the purity of that blood when He looks at us. Fighting sin...is a daily process...but one thing to note is that when you begin to recognize sin...before it sneaks up on you and you are able to fight off the temptation by grabbing on to Jesus...then the next time you face that temptation...you will know the way out. You will know how to fight.

Don't be too hard on yourself sis...because we all struggle with sin...just work on growing your relationship with God and allow Him to be the top priority in your life...Life will become easier if you do.

Praying for you.

luv ya

[jamisfaithnjoy]

Thank you for your warm comments Mack:) What I wrote today is a little of how I'm feeling now but the bulk of it is feelings past.I intended this to be more of an open,honest and straightforward journal and I just now seen a link for journaling so i'm going to repost over there and go from there with it.Have a wonderful Tuesday:) Mlg sis..thank you also for your encouragement and support you always so freely give and very accurate insight into life's complications and how best to handle them and get through them. You both are truly a blessing. Love You, Jami

[momof3]

heya faithnjoy

Paul asked why he did the things he did when he didnt want to do them...and why he didnt do the things he knew he should. I know you know that you arent alone in this. We have all fallen short..we all fall, we all fail...thats what His grace is all about..and His unconditional love.

The enemy reminds us..accuses us..of our past sins and has a hayday with the ones we commit today. His grace is still the same.

Getting all of this out in the light, sis..this is where the healing is. Now replace those lies with the truth. We are changed only because of His love for us. We are changed only because of Who He is in us. Breathe, girl. Be who He created you to be...the you He already sees. Dont look to the right or to the left..keep moving forward...and breathe, and just be.

love you, sis,
in Jesus,
love momo

[jamisfaithnjoy]

All better now we think.Or I know that defines me.We have a "condition".We get prescribed medications from a doctor.we take them for a bit,start feeling "better" then we stop.Wer'e cured.back to "normal" or so we think anyways.X amount of time goes by and we start to feel a little more how we did before we made that appointment to get medicine for whatever ails us.For alot of folks with physical conditions or terminal illnesses AND insurance,this probably doesn't happen so much.Probably,key word.it's just my guess based on people I've known in the past that had to take lifelong medications.To avoid a major political debate I'll skip any thoughts I really have on why ANYONE with an ailment cannot get insurance.That is before their too sick or already dead.(ALOT of people I knew applying for disabilty,etc and it gets drawn into one court hearing and denial after another.What if they have NO other income but the one their TRYING to keep up with...work..while their sick too?How long do you think that is going to last for?Ohhhh...And they applied for disability in the meantime WHILE their working.That's right.Turn them down for needing an income to have just THE BASICS in the meantime.FOOD,TOILET PAPER,FOOD FOR THEIR CHILDREN,SOME KINDA ROOF OVER THEIR HEAD.Been there.I've applied for social security,etc,etc within the last 10 years twice and get the lovely response,DENIED..."You're working.You must obviously not be too sick."In so many words. Excuse me Mr. Government.Do you expect me to lay down and die while I'm waiting for help??..."Yes we do."..End of story..In a "perfect world" I'm told and am quick to recite in a deemed situation for lack of my real non-christian feelings about it all...I have a bi-polar/autistic son.He has a more than documented history of his illness and yet I found myself for 7 years getting turned down to aide him.He was not a child you could comfortably go to work and not be called from a teacher 30 times a week or have a neighbor be coming to your door complaining."Do you know what your son just did?".."No but apparantly you do.Enlighten me please."(with serious sarcasm in my voice and a look you don't want to mess with)DON"T complain to me about my child.I know He has problems and WHY.Now if you'll so kindly write the state yourself and tell them what you're witnessing,maybe they'll get on the ball and we can do something about it TOGETHER.Well,in those days there was no "togetherness".Raising every single one of my kids by myself and although the one felt like I was raising an extra 5 most days after he entered into pre-school,i did not regret a single moment of never giving up the fight for him(Sam)He now lives with his father and to this day has not gotten approved for disability he very clearly needs.It's out of my hands now BUT over the last few years,I,as an adult,got a little taste of what my son went through but with slightly different variations.I have A.D.H.D...A nightmare for a child and their parents quite often if you ask around.But as an adult and with more older fashioned ways AND a very strong belief in God and what he can do?It's not so bad.Until your brain gets wayyyy ahead of itself.or you're sitting on your couch at night with 5 books in front of you and 2 glasses.One with water,another with orange juice.Or the very fun finding something to wear for the day.I look in my closet.Before I know it I have 3 outfits laying on the bed.i look at them for a few minutes trying to figure out which one to wear.Start getting irrtated then put them all back but maybe 1 shirt.And end up putting on pants that,if I tried to run around the block in them,would surely be down to my ankles before I left the back yard.So you're reading this and think you've went through some of that too.Don't rush out and try for an A.D.D. diagnosis or wonder if you are.Wait until you find yourself working 2 jobs or volunteering to work 14-16 hours a day and not because you have to.You've become a "workaholic" or already were one.(if you look at your own history)Tehn you get your paycheck and hit the bars up Friday night.Why?Your mind can't slow down so you then become an alcoholic.Here comes Sunday.now you're shopping for clothes for work BUT you end up buying a bunch of stuff you know darn well you don't fit and clothes for next fall when it's still March just because "their on sale"??Not because you seriously don't have enough clothes already even.Ta da!you're now a shopaholic.And there's kids in tow.buy for them too.they have plenty of EVERYTHING already as well but...it's on sale.oh now your nerves are "shot".Time to go to the doctor's and get something for that.he prescribes Xanax and you're taking it "as prescribed" 3 x's a day.Hmmm.it's no longer working and I feel "jittery".Let's go back and tell him how were feeling.Maybe we need something "different".Well,it becomes different alright.he ups the dose to a full 1 mg and prescribes it for 4! times a day or "as needed".Yeah,you wanna know how many addicts there are from starting out "as needed" on medications like Xanax that ARE scientifically proven to be HIGHLY addictive.The withdrawls if you run out after you've been on it for awhile?It's called an "18 hour peak".The time needed to be without it before you start experiencing HEROIN?? withdrawls physically??I've never touched a needle in my life and by the grace of GOD ONLY,will I for the rest of my life be able to say that(i've lost 2 brothers to direct heroin overdoses) and im going through THAT??Full blown grand mal seizures start,puking,foaming at the mouth like a dog.private ambulance at 911's discretion because they didn't think Life Flight could get me there quick enough.stay awake they said.No memory of being there at the hospital or the ride back home up until 1/2 way into it.I recall having no bodily control what so ever and our then car going around a curb and my shoulder was suddenly thrown out.now I find myself in alot of pain.i didnt go back to the hospital.I had had enough of them by then.no more..So years later I would eventually get a "diagnosis' of A.D.H.D,O.C.D, and any other D they felt like sticking on me..Well,guess what?I,having took child psych at stautzenberger college when i was 16,was already familiar with the whole "new generation labeling route".A band-aid effect to cover up the REAL underlying problems.An abusive/sexually abusive childhood,a violently abused adolescent years and running away at 14 and never returning home?You still think it's all those labels or could it be,that anyone that lives past the age of 5 and not fortunate to have been born into a loving,safe home will have "problems"??Labels??Save them seriously.But I'll go along with the whole A.D.H.D. thing,trying to find good medical treatment without insurance or at least affordable anyways and all the medications i forget to take BECAUSE i know it will help me.So here I sit with no meds for a couple days now.I've ran out.Do not have the money I had up north to pay out of pocket for an e.r. bill.Plus,having been brought up by a mom who worked at St.vincent's hospital 30 something years,I know the e.r. is not to be used for stuff that is not critical or about to be...This is where my almighty God comes in.He will always make a way AND look out for me.Keep me safe from harm.I truly deep down in every part of my heart believe that.My heart acted like it wanted to start escalating yesterday morning(cardiac arrythmia) and for 1 sec I freaked out.A few years ago I was on Atenolol for that.Many tests later would reveal I was 'fine'.Could go off the medications IF I avoided stress...HOw in the world do I do that I remember wondering back then...I came back to the Lord in full swing...My saviour...And that's what I did yesterday..Heart started wanting to do its thing and I looked up at my ceiling towards the heavens and asked God to slow it down.Within no more than 2 literal seconds,I felt 100% as I did 5 minutes prior.GOD IS GOOD!!..Matter of fact,he's not just good..HE'S GREAT..I want to shout it to the top of the rooftops and beyond,lol..There is NOTHING he can't do for me.I've seen it in my life many,many times.Dear Lord,I know you will help me find a doctor I can afford and get back on some kinda medications.you know I can't handle when my heart does that.Thank you sooooo much my God for showing me how to not panic and know what to do.You know I think about it often and am so blessed to have been raised with fairly intense medical knowledge in spite of all the abuse I had to endureThose books getting thrown in the room with me somehow would pay off.I couldnt have known that then.Please help me though to never get ahead of myself and think I know everything and try to deal with everything myself always medically because you know I dont know everything there is to know or how to prevent alot still.Please help me to always try to be there for someone and to love them unconditonally as you love me.Or let me try to anyways.Thank you so much for making me fully aware the last few months more so than any other time in my loife,it is NOT ok to judge someonelse,their life,what they've done or will do.That is your job and your job ONLY.When i do find someone judging me or suspect that's what their doing,help me to overlook it and get rid of the "i dont care" attitude and replace it with "their only human..you take care of them."Negativity,drama and jealousy in some sort or fashion is usually the case I've found and my intolerance to it..I want to thank you also for everyone on this site that make it possible to have Christian fellowship...First and foremost,Brandon and phantom..I know one of their names and no idea what either look like BUT they have both been there unfailed through a couple different things..Nothing big but there all the same..Thank you for finally having me get off my butt the other day and mailing some money in.You know I was doing as I usually do when I dont have employment..counting every single dollar and then start thinking,"i would really love to help but i cant afford it right now.i just cant.this is all I have."..And then the enemy chimes in with a little more to try to get me to not go through with it.."They dont really need it.you know you're going to be thinking about that money when you need something and dont have it..What about Logan?(my grandbaby).He's coming in a few days and you're going to have to buy snacks for him.Remember Jami..you wanted to be able to get him a few toys from you.You know you guys eat out every so often.You might need it for that if Davey doesnt have the money.".THEN my God steps in with the TRUTH.. ...HOW do you know their eating or eating properly??Have I told you that my child??Have THEY told you that??How do you know??You dont!Stop acting like your me(God)and trying to take my job.I have given you an abundance of intelligence BUT you don't know everything Haven't I provided ways for you to provide for your grandson in the past when he came to you??Snacks??I did not give my people in the desert Little Debbie's or doughnuts.I fed them though and they were not grateful.You have food!I provide for you and open doors where you couldn't...Do you like visiting with some on this website and doing what you're doing right now?@finding a way to release your thoughts..You better think long and hard what I HAVE brought to you.I can just as easily take it away,again"Oh Lord,that's too harsh.Please don't do that.."Well then my child,keep the money you have saved for Logan's bed he's going to need BUT send that last 5."After all these thoughts Im certain the Lord had placed in my head over and over,I did just that.He is right.How do I know what people eat?Or if their even eating?Oh,because I "assume" people are or I'm going to leave it to someonelse?..the ole "someonelse will do it" which me and Bren talked about yesterday is not good enough..You wanna know how many of our own people AND children here in America are starving just because someone thinks "someonelse will do it"?You don't believe it happens?Sorry to be the one to bring it to your attention but it does.Skip the pack of cigarettes you plan on buying later this afternoon, or the make up you've ran out of or that new cd you want and help someone for crying out loud...Jesus said,"i am the way,the truth and the life.No one comes to the father except by me"..No,wer'e not going to get to heaven just by good deeds and most Christians know that already BUT we are supposed to do as Jesus did and that's one thing he made sure of.That HIS people had their basics.And sill does if we seek Him out wholeheartedly.I could tell you many a time i didnt seek him out before I decided it was time to put ME last and HIM first and believe you me,i suffered and very hard.Lived in a homeless shelter before,had to eat their week old food and rock hard donuts hard enough to play baseball with AND serve it to my kids back then.Watching them starve themselves and lose weight because most refused to eat it.After all,we hadnt lived that way before.They sure werent about to start then.There were also MANY,MANY times I didnt have a single solid penny to my name for months unless it was someonelse's penny helping my family.usually my mother who would go broke trying to make sure her grandchildren didnt go without anything they truly needed.My mom always said,"no 2 people are alike Jami""you cant save the world!".You know..I almost wasnt going to go on the Tennesse trip to help the homeless and ravaged families down there this weekend.I too figured someonelse would do it.They probably had enough people..Then I came to chat.Mercy7 says,"you can change the world one person at a time though"..Gosh that seems so much easier.What a relief.I can just start with one person,allow God to lead the whole thing and feel soooooo good at the end of the weekend for just doing what I could to help.to me,it surely didnt seem like much.To the people there we helped and the lady I gave a mere $5.00 to to help her buy something for her grandhildren to eat?it made all the difference in the world to her.im sure I'll probably never see her again.i didnt even ask her name.I only did what i felt God wanted me to do had the tables been turned and it was me...God,please bless all my friends,my children,my mom,my siblings and grandson and the unborn one.May I always continue to seek you and YOUR will for me,not mine.You know im not perfect and dont always even come close but you know my heart and I try.I truly do.be with me always Lord.Thank you

[momof3]

hey faith..wow! your post is truly inspiring!

i have 3 sons....they were all labeled with ADHD as well. Ive had more than one parent at my door and even more calls from the school They got through it though...we got through it by the grace of God. It really isnt funny at the time..when the principle calls and says she's been shot in the forehead by a paintball gun your son had aimed at someone else ..not funny at the time...but...God's grace is good.

Sis...someone asked one time...if God is sooooo good...why are there hungry people in the world?....and just one of the answers that came was...if EVERY christian gave what the Lord called them to give, there wouldnt be any starving...or those in need. That was just one of the answers that came. Keep doing as the Lord calls you to do. He knows your heart, your intentions..and loves you deeply.

You are a blessing, my sister. love you, girl.

in Jesus,
love momo

[jamisfaithnjoy]

I haven't been over here in awhile.I've been planting "seeds" quite often lately.If all these "seeds" sprout,it's going to resemble a corn field in full growth.I do let God handle that though more so lately,which is what we should do anyways.Which is a whole other subject@Let Go and Let God.The one thing I am learning..and as a result seeing much better results in my life from time to time,which is...I can talk to someone about God or tell them that I'll be praying for them(for whatever their personal ails are)WITHOUT having to come at them full force with almost evangelistic preaching because i know"were in the end days" and "feel lead to share the Truth with them and "save them".ok,so I wasn't knowingly actually setting out to try to "save them" but I sure wasn't helping matters either trying to "shove God' down their throat when they weren't quite ready for it or at the minimum launch it to them like the space shuttle's last chance out.but that's what I've noticed some do,myself for sure included,when God comes to us in a "real way" that we can finally "see".For me,after being "saved",that took almost a full 18 years.I couldn't listen to enough Christian music,be "on fire" to find the "right church" and all but stopped visiting with or contacting people who either didn't believe in God or lived as I was,not quite "Godly".I definitely didn't see myself as "Holier than thou" and even the people that still hung around me after knowing where I was trying to 'go in life'-work on becoming a better christian,or child of God if you will because that's what we all are.So some people I still communicated with the same and all and they seemed to draw nearer to me.And people I barely knew were at the minimum "studying"? the changes i was going through.Their reactions and looks to me werent always pleasant but I really didn't care.as far as I was concerned,they were just living in sin and I wasn't.So i went about my day to day life.doing pretty much the same things I had been doing@cleaning my house,yardwork,going for walks,going out scrapping to pay the bills after I lost my job,the same ole same ole.but it wasn't the same.Not at all even!everything suddenly got ALOT harder.I cannot prove it BUT i am quite CERTAIN the reason i ended up losing my job was simply because i wore a Cross to work everday??For me,it made me feel closer to god,more protected and did many times remind me to do right by myself and others and I had no reason to think that bothered anyone.why would it?it was my Cross necklace,my neck it was on,wasn't like it was illegal advertisement in the workplace,and had no reason to believe it should bother anyone.I would go to work every single day faithfully.Always there at least a half hour early so i wouldn't chance being late.that was just my own personal work ethic.it had always been.So anyways,looking back,I remember a week before they let me go and believe you me by that time,the feeling was very mutual,(in spite that it cost me EVERYTHING literally in the way of my home,my belongings,etc but i will not go into all that right now.what's done is done)there were a few that originally when i had started there had always yacked with me or at the minimum made small talk.There was this one lady who seemed 'ok".definitely not overly friendly but not rude either.in some sort of wordly sense,she seemed like the type I wouldnt turn my back on.nothing I could put my finger on.She just never gave me a feeling of "comfort' when I was around her.Well,one day came and I felt someone looking at me and I looked up only to see she was staring(like it was going to bite her) at my cross.had to have been for a long time too because she had the "my face expression" is stuck as well.So I looked up at her and didn't stare but just looked at her in such a tone as to say,"is there something i can help you with?Do you need something?"..She FINALLY looked away without saying anything.the very next morning she's openly talking in the office right by me even(hmmmm,who do you think was behind that)about how she doesn't believe in God and making fun of people that do like a prejudicial white folk would an african-american.utterly disgusted I was and felt a bit queezy in my stomach.Could I believe someone would sit right there in the same room and trash what they knew I OBVIOUSLY believed in?Yep,I sure could.My "grandma" had warned me that day would come some way or another.That my belief in God would not please everyone,family and friends included,if I took it "far" as she called it BUT she said,not to ever back down from it either.She didnt give me the old adage that most people believe "You'll find out who your true friends are in the end"..She gave me the TRUTH..You'll find out you don't have ANY friends,seemingly all a sudden too..Why? i very seriously wondered and even told her that...She tells me,"they don't understand you.you'll be a new person"..and change is seen as a threat to the average person.Your life will become totally different and you wont have "much in common" anymore..hence,drift apart...Well,that sure didn't sound like what I was trying to do..I wasn't wanting to be ALONE..I was just wanting a better way of life was all...I was sick of the way I had been living for so many years,losing this and that,blah,blah,blah...Having guys I thought I truly loved cheat or walk out on me....even with the kids way back when...The alcoholism I fought,the pill battles,you name it..i wanted FREE from ALL of it for once and for all and I didnt want to die to have to get there!I was looking for stability,something I have never known,in part because I wasnt raised with any aside from a roof over my head.Again,that's another subject later.Which will most likely just go in my life testimony on here.Im not even trying to sit and rehash my past in full more than once and I will do it ONLY the one time because I have total faith God got me past it all..but so back to the newly found in Christ..Instinctively i think,we want to "save" our loved ones and show them our "new life" weve discovered..figuring their going to be just as on fire about it...HAH!Not quite I found out..My(family member),"is that all you can talk about?"..the other one every single time i tried to call(family member also),"i gotta go now"..One mention of the word God or anything God related and they "had to go"...Boy,if I had ever wanted to be alone before I was surely getting it...my then ex-boyfriend had been in an affair and got the chick prego with twins even!what a blow and a half!that took me almost a full 2 years to get over and to be truthful,I know I sure didnt do it...it was the Lord because my dumb butt even took him back AFTER all that but very obviously,things would never be the same so rather than continue to go through the whole distrust,anger,hate,jealousy and evrythingelse that goes with when you get ahold of a cheat,which is ANYONE who is not a man of God.ok,even God-fearing people can be too but it's much more seen in day to day people.So the Lord pulled me away from that for good.I was so relieved when he did for real.I had had enough of the torment that ensued me literally hourly.So for myself,having the Lord finally pick me up by the "bootstraps" so to speak,after 18 years or better was very much welcomed...I was no longer an easy target for the world.yeah,alot still tried to bring me down,get me to be sucked back into wordly pleasures,which i would do for a time here or there,but it wouldnt last.My Father would make sure of that..And Lord knows I had had enough of living a life going nowhere very fast it seemed...Looking for love in all the wrong places my "grandma" always seemd to think about me..Not in a bad way..thats just how she felt because she was there and knew about the lovely life I had been handed before I ran away from home at a very young age and never went back but for one day when I was 18 and in 2005 for 2 weeks for my mom to take care of me after having finally had a heart attack-mini stroke from stress,drinking,pills,and trying to be a single parent,work,etc..WHEW...Man,i look back and wonder how I ever got as far as I did even then..But I'm a fighter..and I was and am still scared sometimes...I fought for the underdog because I was one,i stood up for the abused and disgraced because I had been through it..i literally fought for my older brother because it wasnt that he wasnt strong because he definitely is but he didnt want to hurt anyone..I didnt care..I had had so much rage in me from years of being abused,he was too, that I wasnt about to watch another person even try to put a hand on him..if you did,you might as well call the hospital and tell them to have a bed for you waiting...i had very little "talk" but was complete action.if i warned you,take it for what it was worth because there wouldnt be another..I remember the day my 1st daughter was born, a nurse came in my room and said a social worker wanted to talk to me...for what??I had been on my own for a few years by then..she said,"they had a record of my childhood abuse in the system..I remember that lady coming in my room and I told her to leave(the system had NEVER helped me before when me and my brother called BEGGING them to remove us from our then home).She said,I didnt have a choice.That they were involved and were going to watch me and make sure I didnt do the same to my kids??.....I had a mouthful of words for her and didnt hold anything back.."How dare you come here when I've just had my firstborn and tell me you're going to do what??..You're afraid I might abuse MY kid????...I will NEVER,EVER so much probably even spank my kids...I KNOW what abuse does to a child but you want to stand there and tell me your afraid for MY child when you let me and my brother endure YEARS of physical and hardcore emotioanl abuse???....You've got about 1 minute to get out of my room"...She says,"I'm here by a court order.if you don't comply(let us observe you with monthly visits,etc)i will have to get the police involved and children services will take her until you cooperate."...I started screaming at her and crying..then went toally numb inside and looked at her with a total frozen expression and said,"Get the police because you've got one second to get out of here."She uttered something but I wasn't listening and she finally left.I never saw her again...As Im sitting here typing this,i'm feeling very sick to my stomach.I do have the flu but I know it's also the anxiety from opening up old wounds so i'm going to try to not go into that much.My point was I went through serious stuff,alot of it not even my own fault,at a very young age and God STILL found me.He has removed so many character defects,even ones like those which typically come as a result of growing up abused.Things that society says are "permanant".Things they say are "scars".I am not proud of alot of things I have done but I am VERY PROUD TO SAY I HAVE JESUS AND WITH HIM,there has been no permanant "damage".he took every bit of that away when I asked Him to come into my life.The only time it's "there' is when I walk behind Him and not WITH him,then it comes to haunt me or make me think badly about the people that did what they did.But I've since forgiven them all.Even the main perpetrators.They have their own "life stories" also and we all have to answer to God one day.I do not want the baggage of having to look at God when He asks why I hadn't forgave someone when he has forgiven me a trillion times over.I thank you so much Jesus for this day you've given me,my grandbaby,Davey,my family,his family and all the wonderful Christians and good hearted people you continually bring into my life since I've found you.Let me always be a vessel for you and never forget where Ive came from so I may better serve you and help them.Help me to never become "Holier than thou" as I once was living as you know I surely won't be able to bring many souls to you that way.I love you Lord.Thank you for everything. your child, Jami[/i]

[mlg]

faithnjoy,

You have come such a long way since I first met you here...I've watched you grow and I've seen God do a wonderful work in you...and not only that I now see Him blessing your faithfulness by giving you good things in your life. I'm so very happy for you sis.

God Bless and keep you sis.

luv ya lots

[jamisfaithnjoy]

Life...so interesting at times..Mostly good lately but I still get SO annoyed at some things..and naturally I know where the stinkin confusion and ploys are coming from..Sometimes I feel as if I'm handling a broken record or just speaking to a bunch of little kids BUT even kids seem to have better LISTENING skills than...Is it IQ? or lack of?...Just plain doesn't care to UNDERSTAND OR RESPECT what I'm saying OR just the fact some people are more "human" than others?..Is it about their walk with God or again,lack of?...Who am I to judge I think?.(So So) stir up the ugliest part of my emotions at times and I've told (So so) this...Do you not get it?..I've told (So-so) time and time again,WHAT is your definition of LOVE?...I've shared MY idea of it with you...NO,I'm probably not going to be able to love wholeheartedly as the scripture's definition of love gives as I believe I'd have to be at a very extreme inhuman LEVEL to do so BECAUSE We all DO fall short of the GLORY of GOD BUT...I try my BEST to get as close to it as I can but (So so) makes it pretty impossible to get that much from me..I and an "online friend" so far had(or I did-extreme babbling,)a very indepth discussion and shared viewpoints on different aspects and ideas of Love in itself,the WORK required,etc,etc..but there it is...Anytime I feel I'm getting CLOSE to being able to love you from the "heart",you go ahead and do something to repress those feelings from me REGARDLESS of the sacrificial side of me that usually comes with the territory IF I feel there's a mutual love brewing...I'm sorry to say but paying mortages,rent,bills,food,etc do NOT equal love and even the birds can find a way to survive so DON'T think for one moment I actually NEED anything the Lord cannot provide because IF you do,you are sadly mistaken..Also,(so so) are NOT ruining yet another situation in my life that makes me pretty happy by trying to trap me in moments that cause me to sit and grumble all day...(so so) are SO not worth that much to me or me spiritually so the sooner you learn the meaning of respect and REAL love,the better off things may be all the way around..But I realize were fully in the Last Days and what I feel creates a LOVING,RESPECTFUL!!!!,DIGNIFIED bond between a man and woman MAY not happen for me,as it never has yet...Is it because I expect too much?..Is it because I am NOT willing to bow down to someonelse's "wordly" standards to appease them or fear of losing anything?..Alot of people die for different reasons but the nation's number one killer from heart attacks that is PREVENTABLE is STRESS..I feel my blood pressure go up as I'm typing this,...I thank the Lord everyday for my sense of humor and endurement when need be because without the 2 combined,I'd be like Superman..Gone with the wind..Like a butterfly on a beautiful day..Just traveling through life untainted,so beautiful and seemingly at peace yet fragile but smart enough to distance themselves if feeling threatened..Life is NOT that complicated..PEOPLE complicate it,to oblivion even..Am I doing it now in my life?...In a sense,I'm sure...The easy answer is to just go to Jamaica(my saying when I want to get away) BUT the better answer is to REMEMBER to pray for myself and the other soul that is annoying the tar outta me...Alot of people I know have died over self indulging acts either directly or indirectly as a cause of whatever they perceived to be their stressor...I was abused as a child and a teen..The ball stopped there..What you TRY to do is abuse as well,emotional...Didn't you hear me though?(about 1000 times over im sure)My GOD will NOT have me be around,with or near something HE believes is going to or taxing my spirituality for long..He has taken me away from MANY people,including some family and friends AND guys I thought I loved or was in love with BECAUSE they either didn't or had no desire to TRY to find Him...It doesn't get any simpler than that...God Bless everyone..Be there for and pray for those in need and from the deepest part of your heart.it MAY make a difference in their life..."To one person you are just one person but to another you may be the WORLD"..Make the difference. ~I've spent the first half of my life running from the Lord.I'll spend the rest of my life running TO Him~

[mlg]

You know sis...true happiness can never be found in people...it is found in God only...people disappoint us...because they are imperfect...the world disappoints us because it is imperfect people in it...but the Lord never disappoints us. We as people have to remember we also are flawed...but what makes life so special is the ability to love people flaws and all...including ourselves

luv ya

[jamisfaithnjoy]

i know sis but i'm "old school".I guess I just feel everyone SHOULD be respected and if a man is a REAL gentleman he should have the sense and RESPECT to back off when told(repeatedly),..i'm sure that's considered a "flaw" but to me it's just a total lack of respect for women period and theirselves as well...Something people in today's world obviously don't care much about...Love ya