Christianity Oasis Forum

[Lani]

Hey Y'all

Tonight, I am going to share a little bit about myself with each of you. Some of you know much of this, others don't. I pray that while I share, you will ponder the questions I set forth and feel compelled to share a little yourselves.

Let's start by taking a look at when...

When did walls first become a "security" feature in your life?

At some point, a hurt... greater then that which we had ever experienced, occurred. For me, my father died.... while I won't get into detail, it was traumatic and I felt I was at fault. it followed two years of what I can only explain as being a Very dark period of time in my life and started what would become the darkest 2 years to follow.

Would anyone else like to share?

Up next..... Why? What occurred that caused those walls to be built?

At the time, I had no way to express outward what was happening inside. Sooooo, I hid. I created a "safe" place in my heart where I could retreat, thinking "There is no hurt here in my little cave".
I was protected by it's walls, "safe", so I thought, from all the pain I had experienced and from all that would come to be.
Granted, it started only as a few blocks through which, I could seek "cover" when things got to difficult. Over time those walls got higher, one hurt and one brick at a time until I was surrounded on all sides and had installed a moat stocked full of alligators.

It became a false reality I hid behind for a long time.

Anyone else wish to share?

Now.... Do those walls help?

Hmmm..... I use to think so
But, once I ventured outside those walls, I learned they did not "protect me" as I had enlisted them to.... nooooooooooo they simply trapped the hurt in and I was left to swim around in that hurt while trying to hide. It is easier for the enemy to attack when we are surrounded by such.
Now mind you, inside those walls... I did not see this truth. I was "fine" safe and protected. No... that is a lie, I was "Fabulous" and answer such every time I was asked... a habit I didn't soon forget

Any thoughts?

My Breakthrough...

For Christmas, I received one gift, a book from a very good friend.
My son was still little and my husband was nothing short of a stranger. I was NOT in a good place. The book titled "The Right Words at the Right Time" by Marlo Thomas and Friends, made my eyes roll.
I thought... you have to be kidding!
Sooooo it sat on the top shelf in my closet.... until I went to the beach that summer. I thought... well I will need something to read while I am stuck in the condo... since I'd read everything else a hundred times, I took the "eye roller".
Our first morning there, my husband went fishing while I sat in the condo keeping watch over our son. At this time, he was relying on a feeding tube for nourishment and was connected to such for 8 hours a day.... broken up over the course of the day and night. LG was sleeping, so I read.... I was a little sick of listening to the taunts and darkness that dwelt within. I came across an entry from John McCain, at the time he was a Senator... again Eye Roll, "Politicians" but the following was the moment truth was shed on my "walls" that this I will share with you from his entry:

"Nothing crushes the spirit more effectively than solitary confinement. Having no one else to rely on, to share confidences with, to seek counsel from, one begins to doubt judgment and courage. The loneliness robs you of everything.... everything, but Time. In solitary confinement you have nothing to focus on"

Or ...... think about then that which is hidden deep within your heart.

Walls act as our own personal solitary confinement cells. Because those pains are trapped deep within, peace and healing stay arms length away as well.

A light bulb if you will.

His light!

I sat silent (yes me, quiet!! can you imagine?) for the remainder of the afternoon. H returned some time later, and announced that it was raining. LG was sleeping (he did this much of the day) So, I said "I am going for a walk".... "In the rain?" followed but I was out the door. I didn't care if a hurricane came... I needed to be "away". Raining was an understatement but hurricane.... not yet.

I walked down the beach, which was empty of course... "Who in their right minds walks on the beach in the rain?" Well No One! But I wasn't in my "right mind" and I didn't care who saw such. I made my way down the beach collecting various shells.... and eventually made my way to the Fishing Pier.

Long story short, I sat at the edge of that pier and finally said...

"I can't do this anymore... I want to smile and laugh and enjoy life!"

So for hours I sat on the pier and tossed shells into ocean. With each shell, I shared a pain or struggle and when I'd said all I had on that subject I tossed it into the waves. When I emptied my heart of all the hurt... and cried an ocean full of tears I said...
"Lord if you hear me, I need to know. I've been away so long... have you forgotten me?"

A single ray of sunshine broke through the clouds and shone on the water. For an visual, check out my COOL Space page... I return to that pier every time I go to the beach, as a reminder of where I was, praise for how far He has brought me and to wait for that confirmation once again.

Now... please know, this day didn't suddenly make everything all better. I didn't get out of bed happy as a clam, singing like a Jay Bird... but every day, I made a choice to find His mercy in those moments. Over time, it did get easier... but it took work, daily.

I cannot say when your "I can't do this anymore" will come, but I can encourage you to seek His truth and I can listen when you want to share because, Yes... I have been there.

Thanks for listening y'all. I pray you will take a piece of this truth and carry it with you throughout the days until His peace shines through your heart and begins to heal you.

This ministry is an awesome source of support, comfort, and counsel... you won't know another's heart until you take a leap of faith and share some of yours.

This is my leap.... and trust me... it is the tip of the iceberg

Luv you all dearly!

[Dora]

Lani can't tell you how much your study meant to me last night.