Christianity Oasis Forum

[sandrad05]

John 3:5
[b]Jesus answered,[i]Verily,verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.

"As a child I as a victim, As a young adult I was a survivor, and as a christian am an OVERCOMER!"

I did not finish my testimony because as I wrote it pulled a lot of bad memories out. I did not come to this place (Oasis) by change, I was led here. This is one more step that My Father has led me to take. Sometimes when we are asked to do things by God, They seem very difficult for us to do, and even at times feels very unfair of him to ask it of us. It is at these times that we must have courage to walk out in faith. I have found the way to do that is remember where where I have already been. by doing so I learn that I was never alone, these things that were meant for harm, were overcame, and have passed through the blood of Jesus. I would say to those who are just now beginning their walk with Jesus, and feel that they have no experience to lean on. To go back and take another look, even those that do not know of Jesus and what he has done for them, by dying on the cross and taking back the keys of life and death, and then raised from the died. There is so much offered to us who learn and understand these steps Jesus took to insure that we have life, Abundant life.
If you will take a look back even those who didn't know he was at work in their life, he was right there. He sent someone who spoke something to you that stayed with you, or you saw a bible verse that stuck out and comforted you. there are so many ways that God reaches out to us, and so many times we do not even see, or understand he has. If you are lost or confused take courage by you being here and reading my testimony is proof, because, you are here seeking. and if you are here, then somewhere, someone, or something sent a message to your heart, for you are seeking. How did you know to seek out God? Take a look back sometimes it's in the smallest of things you will find God in. You are a live, you survived, and now you are here, among others like you. It is no accident that you are here. For Jesus sent us all out to comfort and lift up one another. You will find if you have courage to stand in your faith, and stand still when the memories pour in and threat to choke the life out of you. Stand anyways and you will find relief, comfort, but most of all you will find that you are not a surviver but an overcomer.
It is not the people here at oasis that can keep these promises to you. It is the WORD that will keep these promises to you. I said that God uses many ways to let you know He is life, He is the way through is son Jesus Christ, which with out Jesus there is no escape. Those here are chosen and choice to be instructments of the Lord. Just as the Holy Spirit goes back and forth between heaven and earth listening and bringing the messages of God to us, for the Holy Spirit can only repeat what he hears from God, so he chooses those that are willing instrutments, and gives them a word of comfort, or a lesson to teach others. Whatever it is that they do they do in the Name of Jesus. But I always give you a small warning: Jesus said: test the fruit. This means do not take every word you hear as the truth unless it can be backed up by the word of God.
I know I mean well, there are no hidden motives in me. But, it does not mean i can not misunderstand, or make a mistake. There should always be checks and counter checks.
To whom ever is seeking I pray right now, that the Holy Spirit would choose and send forth his chosen one to minister to the seeker, I ask that you pair them up Father, to be a match that can bloom into a great friendship for the Glory of You son Jesus Christ. Let not this seeker be alone in their search any longer. Let, them receive thy word, let them know and understand what it is they seek.
In the Name of Jesus Christ I pray A-men

At seventeen I married, I wish I could say I had waited to constamate my marriage until after we were married. But I did not so, a baby would soon arrive.
I loved my husband of my youth. I will always hold a place in my heart for him. I do not believe you can love and then fall out of love. I think you learn to live without feeling that live.
I married my daddy, he was just wrapped a little different. He was an weekend alcoholic, he did go to work and provide for his family. But he resented it. He was a very angry man. He and his mother thought it was my fault he was angry. Because he married so young. He was young he was 19. Too young to be a husband and father. His mother had spoke to me about having an abortion, though he never had.
Somehow because i did not have an abortion, It became my own fault that he was angry, and hurt me. He was disappointed with the wife he was stuck with for the rest of his life. He had wanted someone who had gone to college, and made a lot of money.
He was ashame of me and would not introduce me to his friends from work. And when he spoke of them, I would ask him to bring them over for a bar-b-q or something. I would respond with, "what would you have in common with my friends wife she went to college"
Well, he was right, I did not have an education, so I went and got my GED, I studied very hard for this, and the day I was to go and take the test I needed 5.00 but my husband would not give it to me. Nor would he take me. I had a bunch of pennies and I counted out 5.00 worth. I put them in a sock, the teacher from the GED class took me to take the test.
GBU teachers. She had also taken time out of her personal life and i would go to her house and she would teach me what would be on the test. (ok can you see God, in this? I can he sent someone and opened their eyes to see I needed help. Though this was not a christian desire, it was a desire, and God, loves us enough to care about all our desires to help us achieve them) I took the test, but I had to wait 2 weeks to know if I passed or not. I did not have the confidence in myself to believe I had.
So those 2 weeks were torturous. I also had my husband telling me he did not know why I waited that 5.00 I was to stupid to pass.
praise God! I passed! It might have been on the lower end of the scale, but by God! I passed!
From there I went to a Business school, I learned everything i needed to learn to run an office, and A/R and A/P. I landed a good job. I was trying to earn my husbands love, and it seemed that this is what made him angry with me that I had no education. So I worked harder than everyone else. I tryed harder, I stayed longer, I did what ever was needed of me. To some I may be the person they are looking for to work for them. But, in truth, it's wrong, because, when your bosses see you will do anything with out compersetion. you become over worked, over looked , and used without consideration. you get worn out!
With in a few years I was making more than my husband, I would try for another promotion when he wanted a new toy. I worked for the best company around. Federal Express. I also added to our family another child.
We had the perfect life. We own our home, we had cars, and credit cards etc. But, It did not change his feelings for me. He still was ashamed of me. He still wanted something different than I was.
I noticed, he showered his sister with love. She was skinny, small and very pretty, to a point of being shallow.
So I though if I lost weigth, then he would love me. So I became obesity with loosing weigth. And I did, even my sister-in-law commented on it. Now this was something, for her to have commented!
I looked to my husband to see if this was the ticket? nope, nothing changed.
I began to have these attacks at night. It seems to come at the same time every night, I would wake up in cold sweats, I would have this great fear,, that something was after me. I felt as if I was leaving my body, as if i stood on the edge of a clift, and i could feel this hand pushing me in my back trying to push me over the edge into another world of sorts. It was very scarry. How do you fight something like this? I surly did not know how. I could not even understand what was happening to me. But it was real and very strong. At first i tryed to get closer to my husband trying to find something soild, something real to hang on to. I knew not to wake him, I knew he would help to push me over the deep in.
I would get up and struggle in the bathroom alone. Trying not to fall into this place. It is so hard to explain. It was like I was trying to leave my body.

I never told anyone, what was happening to me. I just faced by my self in the dark of night. But, it did not get better, I began to have these spells in the day light , I could be sitting at a table with my mother-in-law and out of no where these feels would hit me. I would just up from the table an run to the bathroom. I would throw cold water on my face to remind me I was in the real world. I felt as if I was going crazy. but I could not tell any one.

I began to have these attacks at work and would have leave and go home. I do not know how I drove my car home. ( But, God knows, he was there)

This went on for a very long time, alone in the dark. AS I have said before I have always known of God. I use to talk to Jesus. He was my friend. but once i got married i was busy, busy making a life, busy raising my children, busy earning promotions, busy, busy.... earning my husband's love. Just busy.
In the mist of this the question could be, where can any good thing come out of such suffering of the mind? If you had asked me during this time I could not have given an answer to it.

I know this was not brought on from God. He had nothing to do with this, battle. But he used it to glorify himself. It is in these moments that we are so lost in the darkness, that we actually can hear a small voice calling to us. "Come, I am here." I found God, in my personal hell.

NOTE:
If you can hear this small voice calling to you, and you are confused by it. Because it is not telling you where to come to? At first you just start looking everywhere, to anyone , or any thing. No answer right, but that small voice is still calling.

You may have found your answer here, but you will have to look and listen to what is going on here in Oasis. I will also say this: this might not be the answer to the small voice you hear, but don't don't stop seeking.
The lady's and gentlemen here can still help you on your way to finding answers that you seek.
Oasis's was not available at that time in my life, so he used another instrutment. Her name was Bonnie Bishop. She was a spirit filled christian something I knew nothing about.
My daugther had met this little girl from school that lived on the next street over. One day i had to go pick my daughter up from there. As mother's that is always a place to start a friendship. And that is where our friendship had began.

She started out just talking about kids and the things they do. We exchanged phone numbers and began talking every nite. My husband worked at night. So I was free to be my self, she began talking to me about being a christian. I told her what I knew about being a christian which was not very much.
She asked me if I had a bible, which I told her i have a little red bible that my aunt gave me. She said well do you want to start studing with me? I told her not really, i can't understand the bible. She said. "that's ok, there are hidden messages in God's word, and has you are ready he will reveal the ones that are meant for you to understand."
thus began a whole new world opening up to me.
after awhile i went out and brought a bigger bible. you know how men hide their playboy mags. in the bathroom, well i hid the bible in the bathroom. Me having a bible seems to upset my husband more, so I hide it out of sight. I studied in the bathroom when he was home. And I did not talk with Bonnie on week ends he was off on weekends.
She began to open up the spiritual realm to me and to be very honest i did not like the spiritual realm it sounded too much like what I faced every night. The nights in the bathroom struggling with my insanity did not change just because I was talking about Jesus. Nor did Bonnie yet know I was facing this. I thought if I told her she would surly run away from me.

but, one night I told her what i was facing and that i was very much afraid. She acted as if she had heard this everyone, nothing unusual about it.

To my amazement she did not run, she pick up the sword of the spirit and begin teaching me how to apply it in to my life. She did not just tell me, she taught me.

She gave me 2Tim 1:7
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power,and of love, and of a sound mind.

She gave me many other verses, but it was this that held power in it for me.

I knew of fear. Fear was my companion. but power, never, love, i knew how to give it, and longed for it to be returned to me, that counts doesn't it?, sound mind, nope, I was going insane, so I did not have that either.
It seemed everything that God offered I did not have, but everything satan offered, i had plenty of. And with all my heart I wanted what God had to offer.

The first night after Bonnie talked to me, I felt I was ready! I had my bible opened and marked to 2 tim 1:7, she told me all I needed to do is repeat this verse over and over until I felt peace enough that I could go lay down and sleep.
When I was awaken in fear that night. I ran to the bathroom. But, I could not do what Bonnie had told me to do. My mind could not hear the words I could not focus on the words to read them. I could not understand. There was more fear that night than any other night. because, I lost hope, that I could fight this and win. So I struggled until dawn.
I tryed to act as if all was well with me in front of my family. I called in sick because the effects of the night was still lingering and i felt like any minitue it would return and finish the job. As soon as everyone was off I called Bonnie for help.
She first prayed she was such a mighty warrior, she always had a way of pulling me back, where I felt safe enough to common down and hear her.
She told me, that this battle that I was in would that time, there would be many more nights before I saw the day. But, not to be afraid, because, Jesus would keep his promises to me. I was his, and the battle was his, he would see me through. She told me if I could not focus, and think on the verse. She said, just say the name of Jesus, you can remember his name even in the worse moments can't you? Jesus, just say Jesus.
He already knows what you need, he will be there for you.
so the next night, that all i did, I did not see a change but, the battle had returned to a normal fight. If you can call any of it normal.
I told Bonnie, and she would tell me all is well just keep saying his name.
She started taking me deeper into the word. I started going to church with her on Sunday's. My husband was off on Sunday's at first he did not seem to mind. but, I guess without knowing it he saw changes in me.
And every sunday when i returned home, a fight for my life would ensue.
his fists never hurt me as much as his words. And that is all I have to say about that. But, I made a stand and i kept going to church, I kept fighting at night, I kept studying with Bonnie. I just kept doing all i knew to do, no matter what my life looked like.
Bonnie, once told me you are like a spooge, you exsorb everything, and want more, I find myself having trouble trying to keep up with you to keep you full. It is a good thing it keeps me on my toe's.
I began to have visions, which I am not going to talk about right now. They are very important to me, and i do want to share them, but not right now.

I found Jesus, when I was a child I talked to him, but he was invisible, like an imagatary friend.
but, as i learned he became a person, real, alive, and very much interested in me as apart of his family. I found love, not what the world offered, but something i can not explain, you have to find this relationship with Jesus through listening to that small voice calling to you. He will show you where that is and how to get there. I found power not of myself because I was the same little fearly I had always been. I found a sound mind, first in my spirit, then it began to flow out,
and my battles at night though they did not end, I began to feel strengthen in them. I could read the bible and the verse that I was given, i learned to face my fear....
there was times when i did not feel like I was winning the battle, and I would surly take a beaten in my mind.
but, a righteous man will fall and rise 7 times 7. i always got back up. Not in my own strength. By the word, of Jesus Christ. There is nothing, and i mean nothing that can overpower, destroy, or eliminate God's word from being fulfilled. I learned that first hand.

I need to tell of the Pastor that i wrote about earlier.
I was reading my bible one night and there was a verse that stuck out at me.

John 3 : 5
Jesus answeredand, verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.

I was not yet spirit filled, though Bonnie had started teaching me about touch, and laying on of hands, and so on.

but what i did understand, was water baptism. i had not been baptize and i so much want to go to heaven. to live in God's kingdom.
For days this bother me, and finally I had come up with a plan.
I am from Mobile Ala. i live in Memphis, Tn with my Husband and kids. Though I was going to the little church with Bonnie, they did not have a bapitisual. (ya know what I mean, I can't spell very well). So i had to come up with something else.
And i remembered my friend Ginger Powell. i was amazed with her because she new the bible, it did not matter what the subject was she when right to it. She lived in mobile and she still went to that church.
the dilemma was Mobile was a long way off, how was i going to get there?
I knew my husband would not take me, exspeically if he knew why I wanted to go.
so I prayed for awhile, and I ask God to soften my husbands heart on this.
The truth is God did soften his heart but, I was still afraid to tell him why I wanted to go. So i told him, I needed to go see about my Grandmama.
Which I did. So he was all for it. He even kept the kids so I could go.
I got a ticket on a bus for friday afternoon after i got off work. I had to be back by sunday night to go to work the next morning.
I had not had time to talk this over with Ginger, nor did she know I was coming into town. I did let my Grandmama know so she could pick me up at the bus station.
I arrived in Mobile in the early hours on saturday. I spent time with my grandmama that day. i had not yet called Ginger, and i did not know how to tell my grandmama what I needed to do. She was a Good Baptize women and she went to a church that was really really big, so i did not think her pastor would bother with me.
Thank God! old people go to bed early!
when my grandmama went to bed i called Ginger.
I told Ginger what i had come to Mobile to do. She talked with me for hours, it was early morning sunday, when she finished talking making sure I knew the step I was taking. She said: I will call the pastor and see if he can, I'll call you right back. Right back in my book was not right book in her book! It felt like I was running out of time, I had to be at the bus stop by 1pm. To get home in time to be at work.
I felt he was going to say no, I knew this pastor and all the old things started going through my mind. And I doubt my self and the wisdom of charging off half baked!
Just when I felt hopeless Ginger called me back, she said" After telling him about you and what you have done to be here, he said there was no way he could not baptize me! she said he has gone to the church to get the water running and hot. He will be ready for you.
This pastor at 4am in the morning got up from his bed and went and prepared everything for my baptism. I can't say i know of anyone like him anymore. Praise God, I know he is sitting in the kingdom right now waiting on me to join him!

She said he has one request of you, that you must come for sunday school. and after his sermon he will baptize me.

Ok, I hung with her, all excited, jumping up and down like I had just won the lottery.
Then I remembered my Grandmama does not know she is going to have to miss church to take me to church and get baptize.
i don't know why I did not think she would say no?
I ran into the her room jump on her bed and told her you have to get up!
I felt like a small child again. I know I was acting like one. well when i told her all of what I had been doing and why I had come to mobile.
She started jumping up and down with me like she was a child again.
We got dressed laughing and talking about how good God was!
We put my bags in the trunk of the car and left for church.
My favorite hymn had always been the old rugged cross.
Ginger, remembered and as i was being baptize they sang that song for me. even now I get very teary eyed when I think on this.
This one event was so very life changing so many ways. I soildified my faith, my walk, my need to know more, to give more.
It was a great moment in my life and my Jesus gave it to me full of hope and mircles, he was saying see, I love you, in every event, from the bus ride, to Ginger, to the pastor, to my grandmama. each person, each need, was meet. I wish I had words to tell you all that lays within.
At the end I dressed, my wet was still wet, and I hugged all those wonderful people who were there. My Grandmama put me on the bus and we wave good bye, my wet hair reminded me all the way home what God had done for me?

I am going to end here with this:

to any one this might of touched,
I am nothing special that Jesus would take notice of me.
I have done things in my life that even now I will not speak of.
I have sinned, I have cause pain, and i have lost my way at times.
But, with out doubt I know Jesus, he can take nothing and make something out
of it
He can even take people who have hurt you and use them in ways in your life, that will leave such a sweet, gentle breeze inside when you think of them. he can take a foolish childs half baked plans and make them the greatest or at least one of the greatest events in you life.
He hears you, right where you are.
Talk to someone, open up, it takes courage to have faith. But it is not the courage that you look for in yourself. It's the courage that Jesus gives to use, through his death and ressurection. There is a place for you. It is safe, and you will be protected, and you will find love, and strenght and a sound mind.


I love all of you,
God Bless you,
Sandrad

[realtmg]

Glad you found us and enjoyed your writing.

GBU


Real

[Mackenaw]

Hello Sandrad

Hallelujah!!! Thank You Jesus!!!

Thank you so much for sharing. I had chills and cried, as I could relate on so many levels.

II Timothy 1:7 happens to be one of the first scriptures that God used to open my life up to Him, and to assist me in overcoming my fears.

Wooooooohooooooo!!!

God is so very Good.

God bless and keep you, Sandrad.
Love,
Sister Mack