Christianity Oasis Forum

[Poefenjaf]

You are doing awesomely-amazingly well sis.

UBER glomps to you. Keep going!!!

[xxJILLxx]

you are a rose blooming before our eyes


I just know our Father is proud of the progress already u have made!

forgiveness of self is what so many of us have a hard time doing

you are doing awesome sis , u know im here if u need me

♥Jill

[bisonfan]

it is so amazing to see how many people are out there reading these blogs and being an encouragement and support as I pour my heart out it feels good to know that there are those who do not judge on my stupidity. Thanks.

[bisonfan]

I am very nervous of the verse in Matthew about how we are forgiven as much as we forgive because I know there is so much unforgiveness in my heart because I cannot let it go and do not let it go, everything I do it is as if it has a mind of its own and stays with me no matter how many times I leave it at the foot of the cross. And the verse in Mark where God will not forgive me if I do not forgive others so does that mean that I have never been forgiven because I have never forgiven. That is a very scary thought right now. Especially since one of the main people I have not forgiven is living with me and the act I cannot forgive him of emotional abuse happens every day. As I get close to forgiving him then he does something else. How do you forgive someone who hurts you every day I do not know how, but I am trying without any success.

Unforgiveness that needs to be forgiven

Birth father~ for not wanting me and trying to kill me when all I wanted was his love and attention after he got home from work

Dad~ abuse in the past and in the present, playing favorites between me and sister, being emotionally absent (my desire is to have a father, when I beginning to see that it will have to be my godfather to take that role than for my dad)

Mom~ for not protecting me as a kid from the neglect and not standing up for me when I need her, for not being around

Middle sister~ for the hurt inflicted as children (because of it we are still not friends and have no contact)

Ex fiance~ for manipulating me and trying to conform me into who he wanted me to be by offering or denying love,

Youth pastor~ for mocking me about when I had problems emotionally he would tell me I was doing it to get attention and to shut up no one could have problems with a good life like I had when he had no idea of the living situation

Pastor~ for getting mad because left college when I felt not right and he said God would not call me there and then change His mind so I was stupid to leave when he did not know the horrors for me going and would not listen to it all

Rebound man~ for manipulating me with the thing I desired the most of wanting to be wanted and love and using it for his purpose of me to do what I did not want to do and then hearing later he never loved me all he wanted was what I had never given to anyone yet

Friend /coworker ~ for her using me of being my friend only when she wanted something and then racking up money on credit card of mine

Now if I could figure out how to get rid of these forever it would be a blessing. I just cannot let go most of these people I have no contact with anymore because they left when I had nothing to offer, but I do not want to lose my family and I am so close to the point because I do harbor that unforgiveness and harbor the bitterness and I want that erased I no longer want to hold it over their heads and I have prayed and said I forgive whoever it is for what they did but it never seems as if I actually did do it. And so if I have harbored unforgivenss since a child then has God ever forgiven me. That sure makes me scared that I have never been forgiven.

[momof3]

Hi Bisonfan

Forgiveness is a tough one, isnt it? Forgiving oursleves..and forgiving others. Thats one of the enemy's strongest tools..cuz it works so well in undermining in our souls and spirits what Christ did on the cross. Id like to encourage you to read the study on forgiveness pasted below. Let the Lord heal you of this, sis. Bringing all of this to the light will set you free. Keep goin! dont get discouraged. You are on the right path here. He will help you...just keep surrendering to Him. You CAN forgive...but you have to choose to. Is it easy? no...but when you consider what He did for us...and how unworthy we were, it makes it easier to choose to.

http://www.christianityoasis.com/Keywor ... veness.htm

love in Jesus,
momo

[bisonfan]

Day five

I am not going to quit the program but it seems as if these are huge issues that I have not yet to face, I have anger and hatred. I have mistrust and fear. I am really going to have yo dig deep into God's word about what he says on these topics and to read in the oasis studies on it. then to be honest I also have problems with depression and suicide (part of which I know is chemical but I also know Satan knows this is a weakness for me so he uses it when he can by making it look chemical). I also deal other things like being imprisioned by guilt (my guilt that I have earned and guilt that I take that I should not have taken). I also have problems with my faith wondering why he is doing this to me and what I have done wrong to deserve this life because i look at others who let their faith die and cursed God and yet, they do not suffer as I do. So I know I need to do some researching today.

[Dora]

Hi Bisonfan


Some of these steps appear huge. Give yourself some time to work them through. Prayer and repeat the steps to refresh and remind you that there are weeds there in need of pulling.

You can do this, through Christ who will strengthen you.

Love you dear sisters.

Keep walking forward.

I'm here is you need an ear. Or a shoulder.

GBU

[mlg]

Bison, it's great that you are going to continue doing the steps, even when one of them tries to snag you and hold you from continuing. There is so many things to grasp in these steps, and that's ok. Just begin applying the steps to your daily life, and it may take some time to get all the things down, but don't give up...keep pushing through.

Another thing sis is to be sure and not try to use your depression as an excuse for things that you can control. It is an illness, and God understands your limitations sis, and He does not expect more from you than He knows you are capable of. God loves you too much to see you held in the grasp of depression...He wants to help you on this journey.

luv ya so much sis

[bisonfan]

Okay after a lot of thought I have decided I am going to continue on step five and ponder some of the stuff I have been reading in the Christian studies.

The first one I looked at was anger management and noticed that anger is my responsibility I always tried to place the blame on someone else by saying if they had not done this then I would be angry where in reality I am blaming them and it is my fault because I get to choose if I am angry or not. And the result of pride. I was amazed at all of the other emotions also surrounding anger some I figured but some I did not. Last night I finally started praying again after a very long time of no prayer life and one of the of the prayer requests was I would no longer harbor anger but love especially to my father.

Then I went to do the study on faith because I know my faith is weak and I have so much doubt that I cannot just say God I trust you. The hardest part is it said that the people who read their Bibles are stronger in this area but I read my bible constantly and yet I still have little faith. I remember November 11, 2001 when I accepted Jesus as savior, but the hard part is I am really wondering if that happened because why does my faith not grow like it should, it is as if it is dead. People who know me say they see God's light shining through me and they know I am a Christian but often times there is doubt that true because I have no faith, even though I hear. I know it is just buried deep and I must try to keep unburying it.

I also read about trial and tribulations and saw that I am not the only one that all Christians go through them which gave me relief because often times I feel as if I was the only one handed the rotten apple. I am glad to hear they are for my benefit I know this is true but I have hard time believing it in my heart because when it happens it is just painful. That I really need to be so trusting of God that I let go of everything and surrender it to Him. To be honest I haven't ever surrendered my entire life to Jesus I only asked for salvation so this is such a necessary step and yet scared to let anybody have that kind of control. I feel I need to be in control because I can risk me hurting me but no one or nothing to hurt me. And I am so afraid God will hurt me to try to teach lessons.
It is hard to go through this life carrying garbage around, I know it but it feels so much safer than letting go, this garbage has been with me all my life I know I should let go and let God but I am scared to do it. I am just not a very brave person.

This kind of shows where my heart has been contemplating the last 24 hours and I felt it necessary to keep pondering longer than to continue to the next step maybe tomorrow I will go to step six for the first time.

[mlg]

Wow sis, those are great thoughts. What I see starting to come from this is you are seeing things that God wants you to see. The fact that you are not alone in these struggles, that others have them as well, and that God will help you through each one.

Sit on this step as long as you need to sis. Only move forward when you are ready, but don't sit too long.

Keep on moving forward.

luv ya bunches

[bisonfan]

I have found out that one of the first ways to really start trusting God os to talk to Him. I can pray for other so I have been praying for others before this but not for myself. So last night I prayed to God I did not use any fancu words I just told him my fears and asked Him to help me to learn to trust Him because I know it will not be done overnight. I also asked Him to heal my heart towards my dads and the other men that have hurt me because I know how that has hinderedmyrelationship from Him.

I also have really been trying to keep my mind occupied with things of Christ by listening to my Christian music so that I am focusing on things of God and not allowing Satan to enter, so I am not focusing on the depression right now but God and His love.

I am going to go back to reading my Bible, but I am going to focus more on the psalms and the New Testament rather than studying chronologically like I have been doing. That way I can see who Jesus is and what He taught and get to know Him more intimately. I have been in church for all my life but I have never had an intimate relatinship with Him and the only way to do that is to really know someone.

I know that God answers the prayers that are of His will and I know this is because he says that He wants us to be more like Him and to be transformed into the image of Him.

[mlg]

Now look at you sis. I see encouraging changes that God is making in you. To talk to God in prayer sis, wow wasn't that awesome. It's like having a conversation with your best friend, but better I'm so excited for you.

And now you are focusing on things of the Lord instead of all the things the enemy has tried to throw at you. Things are going to get better and better as you do this, as you will see God able to work more in your life. This builds trust and faith as well.

Continue enjoying your time with the Lord. He has so much to share with you.

luv ya sis