Christianity Oasis Forum

[Lonestar]

Laying it all out on the table:
Journal entry:
I have been married for 22 years, been together for 24 years. I have had self worth issues for most of my life. I was supposed to be a girl, at least that's what my parents wanted even to the day I was born. When they brought me home, my brother asked where his sister was and they told him that I was a brother. When I was 6, my brother was trying to help out his daddy and do what he saw his daddy do before, he was going to burn a bee's nest out of our attic like his daddy did before. He was using gasoline and spilt the can on the carpet in the hallway. Know remembering how it happened it was ignited. I was stuck in the bathroom with the hallway being my only escape. At some point during the fire. I was able to jump over the flames and make it out safely. Needless to say, our house didn't make it. Why am I still here. I was supposed to die in that fire.
My self esteem issues hung around with me through most of my life. I had a couple of girlfriends throughout my teenage years. I think I can count them in one hand. In 1993 I met a beautiful girl that I worked with at the local grocery store. We started dating and she was a senior in high school, I was in college. She was my world and I was hers. I know sex wasn't supposed to be on our minds, but almost 2 months after we started dating, we made the decision to start having sex as most teenagers do. I graduated from college, and she graduated from high school. When she graduated she got a full paid scharship to an art school in Pittsburgh. As it eod be, she wasn't out there long before I decided to make the move to be with her. Like I said, she was everything to me.
After moving out the we got our own apartment together. I worked for our landlord and she went to school and worked in the evenings. I was always a jealous man that couldn't stand her being friends with other guys. At one point we were on a 6th floor balcony and I was having g a really bad day and said I was going to jump. She managed to he me back and things seemed to get better. I was always a big one for doing things with my family back home. Life happened again and she couldn't keep up with her schoolwork and she dropped out her last semester. We lived in Pittsburgh for a while and got married in 1995. I wasn't really ready for that, but we did it. It was one of the most happiest days of my life, somebody dedicating their life to me no matter what crazy I am. I am not exactly shre when my anxiety and depression started. In 1997 I got home sick and we moved back home, she really didn't want to, but being we were freshly married she would follow her husband almost anywhere. We moved into my parents basement and e both got jobs back home, then our son was born in 1998. We couldn't stay in my parents basement for too long, because of family issues and health issues. We moved into a half double house in town. There was one time that I remember that I had an episode that we got into an argument and I threw my self down a flight of stairs. I was always curious what it felt like to have sex with somebody else as she was my one and only. I guess that where I shouldn't have been thinking. While living there i found an incredible deal on a boat, while she was arguing with over why we should've get it, i in the heat of the argument must have told her that i would divorce her if we didnt get the boat. Needless to say we bought the boat. In 2004 we bought my grandparents house. She really didn't want it because that wasn't the original plan. We were supposed to buy land, put a trailer on it and build our dream home. Again that didn't happen because I wanted my grandparents house and I really thought I was taking care of my family. At the end of 2004 our daughter was born. We really had the American dream so I thought. We have had ma y people stay with us in our house for periods of time. We thought, we have this big house, why not try to help other people out. I was and still am a little reluctant a out people staying with us. In somewhere around 2013 or 14, my niece married a man and they moved in to help them get on their feet. Things didn't work out and 2 weeks later she moved out, but he stayed. My wife said he was family and my niece had issues. Somewhere around 2015, my nephew as she calls him was high and my wife and I got into an argument and she drove off. Found out later that she ended up meeting up with him and they had sex. Needless to say that devastated me. I threatened to kill myself and even threatened to leave. I had a real bard time coming to terms with it especially because he was still living in my house. I am not sure I ever really got over that with my wife, but I tried to brush it under the carpet for the sake of my family.
In the beginning of this year we got into a pretty good argument and I told her that I wanted a divorce, I really didn't, but in the heat of the moment, we say a lot of things that we really don't mean. By the end of January, I rd her that I really didn't know what I wanted with us. At about that time she pulled away from me. Sex stopped and she didn't really want to talk to me. The year before she got a new job in a factory nightshift, we worked opposite shifts since the kids were born. I came to find out that she started having feelings for someone that she worked with and through deductive reasoning and probing, I found out that she got a motel room and had sex with him. Now she still works with him. Sometime around the same time, I got my head out of my but and realized what I was losing. Ever since then I have been trying to get her back, but I have days where I can't help but think of went wrong and I start asking questions and she gets mad at me and we start fighting. She tells me that all I have to do to fix the situation is give her space so that she can breathe, my anxiety and depression always seem to win. She has me to the point where I have seriously considered hanging my self several times. I can't seem to get her out of my mind. I love her so much, unfortunately I realized it too late. There was a lot of damage done. I really want her back. We still live in the same house see each other for about an hour or two a day and see each other on Sundays. My nephew still lives with us, and I have come to terms with him. Mercy and forgiveness are what I try to give him. Be says that he doesn't remember much of what happened when he was using. He is clean now.
I am looking to heal and am I wrong to still stay. I still love her with every beat of my heart. Honestly I find myself crying pretty close to everyday.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Lonestar,

God bless you this day and welcome to Christianity Oasis.

True to your word, you laid it all out there on the table. It is no longer hidden, but is now in the open -- in the light. Yeah!!! God is Good!!! God intends for you to live in the light. Satan prefers the dark.

I'm glad you are reading the 14 Day Study (the CCCC or COOL Confidential Christian Counseling Study). God has used this study to help hundreds grow in their relationship with Him, and since He is Healer, you are on your way to healing.

As you grow in relationship with The Lord God, He'll guide you through this temporary life, while He also prepares you for eternal life with Him. You'll learn so much, if you seek Him with your whole heart. Jesus loves you, Lonestar.

As you read the daily portions of the CCCC Study, be sure to meditate on the specific Bible scriptures shared within the study. They are nourishment to your very soul. And as you journal, be sure to note the truths you learned within each daily portion of study.

I'm sending up prayers to The Lord in the name of Jesus, on your behalf. God's will be done.

Continue with the study, Lonestar.

God bless and keep you,
(Sister) Mack

[mlg]

Hi Lonestar,

Did you finish walking all of the steps of the program? I hope you did and that you found the healing that was waiting for you. If you didn't, I pray that you return and finish the steps soon.

I'm sorry my response is so late, but I want you to know that God loves you.

Take care