Christianity Oasis Forum

[mosunrise]

I'm struggling in my marriage right now. My husband is deeply depressed and refuses to get help. He says he can handle it on his own and he isn't depressed. I have been praying for weeks that he will hit rock bottom or whatever it will take to make him get help. He is very angry towards me but says he doesn't feel angry. I can see it. He wants nothing to do with me or the kids and even refused to say Happy Birthday to our oldest daughter this last week....when I asked him why, his excuse was that she didn't say it to him on his birthday. I just found out he has a secret facebook account (he had been on it but it caused problems between us so he deleted his account). Now, he has a new profile with a lot of the same friends (one woman in particular that was the problem last time) and he didn't tell me he had the profile and wont even accept a friend request from me. Nor has he put any of our family on his friends list like they used to be. I feel like he is looking for other ways to get past this depression, mainly through looking for other women to be with. He had an affair last year and I let him come back because I prayed he would see that he needed to be here and when he came back he said something kept telling him to come home. I know it was God. But, here we are again in a situation that seems worse than last time. Would God bring him back last year only to have this happen again? He is not a christian and I am. I have been praying for his soul on a daily basis. I have also been praying for a hedge of protection to be around him so that no one can come between us. I have no proof that anything is going on with him and any other woman, but he texts on his phone a lot and tries to close out the screen on his phone if any of us in the house walk by while he is texting. I feel like God is telling me to hang on and not walk out on him or make him leave, but it is soooo difficult to go through this every single day. I try talking to him and he gets aggravated at everything I say. I show him love every single day and get nothing back from him. Recently I asked God to guide me in what I should do, stay or go, and then opened the Bible and it was the book of Hosea. I also asked God if I should seek a divorce and ended up at Luke chapter 13 where it says not to dig up the fig tree that isn't bearing fruit, leave it and God will dig up the dirt, cultivate it, and if after a year it still does not bear fruit, then dig it up. So, what does that mean? I am not good at figuring how scripture applies to my life. Anyone who is, please help me figure out what God is trying to tell me. I ask for prayers that my husband will realize he needs help and will let me help him get that . I also ask that you pray that I can be strong enough and courageous enough to do what God wants me to do in this marriage. Thank you.

[dema]

Hi. You confused me at first - thought you had a gay marriage. You have registered as a man. You might want to fix that.

I suggest you continue praying for you. For yourself to have wisdom. Give your husband to God and be willing to accept whatever God answers. Be willing to let go.

Sometimes when we hold on, the person struggles to be free. But when we finally accept it, he begs and pleads to return.

Sometimes people are locked in a pattern. Perhaps he wants to hear you beg him to stay. Perhaps you are enabling him to wallow in his depression. I don't know - feel free to disagree with me. Sometimes somebody like me saying something wrong enlightens you - helps you express what is right.

Depression isn't necessarily uncomfortable. Mild depression can actually feel kinda good in a way. You just want to snuggle up under the covers and do nothing but little idle things. If somebody will take care of you while you feel that way, it can be rather luxurious. Sure, you don't feel like laughing and don't have energy, but yet it is kinda comfy. Particularly if somebody is sympathizing with poor you.

He may be acting out some mommy/child thing - where you are the mommy trying to catch him. If you quit trying to catch him and act like you don't care, then he may stop the nonsense. Again, I don't know.

If I were you I would try to look at your interactions as though you were a stranger looking in. If you were honestly to describe what he did and what you did when you had a disagreement - every move - then answer:

1. What started it?
2. How did it escalate?
3. What could you do to change the pattern next time and not let it escalate?
4. What is he getting out of it? How can you quit giving him that?

And then there is - what is it like when you don't suspect him? Do you pay as much attention to him? Could this be him trying to get your attention?

I'm going this direction because then it would be about you - and that would be good. The fact that he had an affair and is depressed likely means something else - that he doesn't have confidence in himself in some way, shape or form. I don't know what you can do about that - compliments can help. But it may be more than you can do. And either God shows you something or changes situations your husband is in - or God doesn't.

Whatever happens, God is with you always. No matter what.

In any event, I recommend you don't argue over the Facebook and texting. That's a losing battle. If he wants to do that stuff, he'll find a way. I'm glad you had your eyes open and realized something is not right - but if that is a constant source of conflict, well - I'd just clear my throat and turn my back and walk away.

God bless you in this. I am sorry for your hurt.

[mosunrise]

Dema, thank you for the heads up about my profile. Also, thank you for your insight in this matter. I agree it could be a mommy/child thing...his relationship with his mom isn't great and he was sexually abused as a child by a stepfather, but has never told his mom. I suspect a lot of this depression is stemming from him supressing that instead of dealing with it. At any rate, I appreciate you taking the time to reply. It did give me some things to consider that I hadn't thought of. May God bless you.

[dema]

Burying that sexual stuff is poison. God heals - but most healing isn't instantaneous. The forgiveness from what Jesus did is powerful medicine if one will accept it - but even so, the healing takes facing it as you have said. Facing it, and realizing that the child wasn't at fault. So many grown up children forget how little that child was. And how helpless. The helplessness of a child is staggering. And yet, when it is themselves, somehow they can't remember that.

God bless.

[mosunrise]

Thank you Dema. I have turned it over to God. Now all I can do is pray and have faith that God will heal him and restore our marriage. I'm still having a hard time with the unknown but if anything can make this better, it's God. I just have to be patient and wait.