Christianity Oasis Forum

[LostLamb111]

From the outside looking in, my life is picture perfect.

Successful husband, beautiful children, house in the suburbs, the whole nine...

The quintessential wife - devoted, loyal, attractive, perhaps even a little subservient; head of the P.T.A., at the forefront of every charity drive - I wasn't born to wealth, I married it - so I strived to teach my children that when you are blessed, you must give back. When I look at my children, I see God's grace and I know I am blessed.

My husband... that's a whole other story.

Being married to a non-believer is difficult.

Being married to a powerful, wealthy, egomaniacal, non-believer is the nearly impossible cross I have carried for the last 27 years.

God knows, I love the man, only the good Lord knows why.

I have been cheated on, lied to, to the point where it is just humiliating.

I want to be fair... I could not ask for a better provider. He is a brilliant businessman and has secured an amazing (monetary) future for our children. But, with power, comes corruption and temptation. When you hear the term "money is the root of all evil," believe it!

I own a small business, I hired a woman we had known for years. When setting eyes upon her, you might mistake her for a slightly younger version of me. I very recently found out that she was having affair with my husband. This wolf in sheep's clothing, talked to me for hours on the phone, looked at me everyday with a smile while we worked together, I opened my home to her and her daughter at Easter and invited her to rejoice with our family at our daughter's wedding...all the while, not knowing, she was sleeping with my husband.

I cannot even begin to wrap my head around this situation. How did this woman look me in the eye every day and feel good about herself? And, my husband, how could he humiliate me in that way, it is just so utterly disrespectful!

Here is the kicker... our beautiful, devoutly Christian, 17 year old son, who absolutely adores and admires his father is the one who caught him cheating.

They were on a fishing trip and he asked to borrow his dad's phone to text a friend and the poor thing inadvertently intercepted a text message from this other woman.

He is now devastated. I pray for him more than ever now, because I can see the change in him
Once confident and secure, I see him becoming more sullen and withdrawn.
So, for the sake of my son, I lied to protect him
I told him not to worry, that his dad and I are fine and that the text was a joke and taken out of context
He is an intelligent young man, so full of God's love and light
His innate sense of right and wrong is so acutely attuned
I am sure he saw through me, but he seems to be better for now.

The irony here is that through all of this, my husband insists that he loves me
That I am his best friend, that I know and understand him like no other
That he would never hurt me or the children and he NEVER wants a divorce

For the record... this other woman...she's not the first.
Somewhere deep down, I had always known he was a womanizer
Perhaps I was in denial all the years

I went to a Christian counselor recently and said:
"It's amazing, my husband is so convincing...either he really, truly does love me, or he's the best liar in the world!"

To which the counselor replied, "...or, both."

I consider myself a relatively intelligent woman, but for some reason,
those simple words were kind of an eye-opener for me.

Anyway, I have been struggling with this - naturally doing my best to keep it from our children
Our 26 year old daughter is married and expecting our first grandchild, this should be the happiest time of our lives and believe me, I am overjoyed; but shouldering the burden of his adultery is sometimes more than I can bear.

Sometimes I think he wants me to turn my head to it and just accept it
But, I just can't do that. It's not even a matter of being prideful, it's just for me, adultery is not in any way okay!

His mother was a devout Catholic, so I know that he knows the Word
He clearly knows right from wrong - good from bad - light from dark
Yet, I think somehow he believes it should apply to everyone but him


I don't know if this is some mid-life crisis or if he is just some egomaniacal narcissist, or if the man is just insane
And, he is driving me insane, to the point that I have felt so low, so betrayed, so humiliated and devastated that I have been battling depression and some desperate thoughts that I am not proud of.

And so... I continue to pray for him.

What is wrong with me?

Another woman would have left him long ago

But, no matter how angry, hurt and aggravated I feel
When I pray on it, somehow I still see the good in him

He is so lost and so very blind.

Ironically, he is losing his hearing and is having trouble with his vision
Seemingly fitting for a man who refuses to hear the Word or see the Light

I don't know what I expect to learn on this journey of stepping stones but I do know this
I will leave no stone unturned, I will pray the Lord gives me strength to endure and overcome

Whether my husband is a true believer or not is not the issue at hand
I only know, that somehow, when I pray on it, God, in all his glory, still enables me to see the good in my husband.
Through Christ I am reminded that marriage is not just some worldly legal document
It is a covenant with God
And, I will not break the vows which I hold so sacred.

I know He has a plan and a purpose for my life
I pray that by this journey's end, it will become more clear to me.

[momof3]

Hi Lostlamb and welcome

Wow....you are carrying a heavy load. You have to be so very tired. Im so thankful the Lord led you here.

It's interesting to me that you still love this man. Deep down, after everything, you still love him. My sister, God bless you. This man IS lost. He's been deceived by the enemy of his soul. His mom can be as devout as anyone else, but his walk and relationship with God is his own. The seeds from a praying and teaching mother are still there somewhere...down deep....
and so are the seeds planted through the prayers and love from a dedicated Godly wife.

To be clear, the Bible teaches that divorce is an option when a spouse cheats. You aren't held to your vows in God's eyes as a result of this. And then there are people don't seek God's will when they decide to marry and a lot of them make a mistake....

However, you are devoted and faithful and hoping that this, somehow, can be mended. My sister in Jesus, this whole thing may be what brings your husband to the Lord. Yes, pray for him. Be honest with him. Be honest with you. Be honest within the family, as this IS a family. The perfect picture is never perfect. You know after all these years, how much work it takes to keep a marriage together. You are married to a human who makes earthly, fleshly decisions...(name a human who doesn't), and he is lost and deceived as he has shut out a Godly life, for whatever reason. Have you read 1 Peter?

As you journey through this, you are going to be faced with a lot of questions within and decisions to make. I know, though, that the Holy Spirit is going to give you what you need to get through it all. I am, and so are many others, praying for you and your family.

God bless you on this path. You aren't here by accident.

In Jesus,
love momo

[LostLamb111]

Thank you so much for responding, you have no idea the kind of joy your kind words have brought to my heart

Browsing some of the other forums, I almost felt guilty even posting my journal. So many people struggling with issues of homelessness, addiction, and abuse of all sorts and here the Lord has blessed me with such a bountiful life. And, while there is not a day that goes by where I don't give thanks and praise to Him for all that I have, still, I feel undeserving.

I know that my husband is lost and I know the path which led him there. I am not trying to make excuses for him
but, he isn't lying when he says that I know and understand him like no other.

His mother died in front of him when he was 15 years old, she had an brain aneurism and died instantly.

I know he never healed from that and has many unresolved issues with God because of it.

He is extremely likable, congenial, especially with strangers; unfortunately, it is with the people closest to him with whom he fails to connect.

He takes his "duty" as husband and father seriously, and his role as provider is unsurpassed, the only way he seems to know how to "show" how much he cares is through monetary means.

He blames everyone but himself for his failure to connect emotionally, I know this stems from his fear of attachment, because the person he loved most in the world was taken from him suddenly and without warning.

It sounds morbid, but the first time he told me he loved me, he hugged me and looked up (as if to God) and then said to me, "I finally found someone I really love...now just don't go and die on me!"

When we socialize with friends, especially those with close emotional relationships with their children, the evening always ends the same way, with him drinking way too much and becoming belligerent and verbally abusive toward everyone at the table. The next morning he'll apologize and try to laugh it off.

Most times, the people we socialize with are his business associates who have become close friends over the years. Being that he basically holds the financial strings to their livelihood, they usually just tuck their tails between their legs and take it while he belittles them, often times in front of their wives and children. It makes me so angry, because I am just not wired that way, I would never (intentionally) be hurtful or say anything that I thought might make another person angry or sad. Even as a child, I never understood mean-spiritedness, and to this day, people who are mean just for the sake of being mean is still an emotional trigger for me. I just don't understand why anyone would want to hurt another human being so deeply.

I know where his anger and rage stem from, I know that somewhere deep down he feels successful in every area of his life, but in his personal life, he feels like a failure. His ego will not allow for such thought, therefore everyone else becomes the target of his rage for his own failure to connect (emotionally) with those closest to him.

Eventually, I began taking myself out of the line of fire, and over the years just opted out of social situations, because being out with someone who goes on hour long, angry, rants while the rest of the table stares uncomfortably down at the floor just wasn't fun for me, in fact, it was just publically humiliating and embarrassing.

He truly doesn't see himself, it's scary. When he and I are home, he is a different man; but something happens when we get out into a social situation, it's like Jekyll & Hyde! Now, he complains that he is always alone and I never seem to want to go anywhere, but when I give him examples and try to explain that while his hurtful rants and his blatant flirting with other women are clearly quite enjoyable and amusing to him, it is not nearly as much fun on the receiving end, his go-to response to all of this is typically denial.

When we're alone, I truly do feel that I'm reaching him. I am probably the only person brave enough in his life to be honest with him. It's difficult, because he is successful and surrounded by "yes" men and women all the time. I told him that I love him too much to lie to him and that I am sorry that truth isn't always sexy and/or romantic, in fact sometimes it's ugly and I hate having to be the person constantly holding up that mirror of truth.

I just want to grow old gracefully and enjoy our children and future grandchildren to come, and not become one of these sad, desperate women that live in the plastic surgeon's office, constantly looking over her shoulder in fear that there will always be someone out there a little younger, smarter, hotter and blonder biting at her heels to be next in line.

It is mentally, psychologically and physically exhausting! I thank you for keeping me and my family in your prayers as I will keep you in mine and count your correspondence among my blessings this evening.

For now, I am off to read 1 Peter

Blessings