Christianity Oasis Forum

[alyce356]

I hate to admit the fact that I'm watching Pretty Woman, abd my mind is running away with me. I always thought one day I would be like Julia Roberts. Not necessarily being rescued, or finding a millionaire hottie. Just the part where she finds a guy that sees something amazing in her and falls in love. I met that guy years ago. I fell madly in love. Problem is we were young and totally incompatible. He was wise enough to recognize that and leave. I was devastated, drinking, and married a guy I had no business marrying. God has used my husbands willingness to allow me to do some things that couldn't be accomplished any other way. I was able to go to adopt 8 kids. I also truly believe if I had a doting husband God would have been second in my life.
When we first married I didn't understand his indifference so I fought for attention. Finally I gave up and immersed myself in my kids. I basically lived as a single person and viewed myself as unworthy of love. Some things happened that made me realize I possibly could be loved by a man. I began to put genuine effort into my marriage. I learned several things over the last few years. 1) my husband is severely depressed and has severe anxiety that he refuses to treat. 2) He truly loves me and is following the pattern his parents set. 3) I don't love him and never have. 4) I am so desparate for love and acceptance I make compromises I would have thought myself incapable of to get that love. Those self revelations are all good and well, but my life, faith, cute beliefs and will power are being challenged. Maybe I can explain.
I truly believe marriage is for life
I truly believe staying in a committed relationship even when it is difficult glorifies God, and eternally it matters more than we realize.
I truly believe children deserve two parents.
Conversely the thought of my daughters allowing a man to treat them the way their father treats me breaks my heart. Raising sons under their fathers example kills me. Living every day with him makes it difficult to come home, and the thought of living the rest of my life unloved is overwhelming. At the same time I know God is enough. Fleeing my marriage doesn't equal running into earthly happiness.
So I guess my need is to let go of my expectation of love from a man and fully experience it from God. If I achieve that before I die I'll let you know. In the meantime I really don't want to live anticipating death to be happy. I feel guilty I'm withholding the love I so desperately desire..

[mlg]

Hi alyce356,

Wow I must say you sure have a lot on your mind don't you? I bet it can be a bit overwhelming for sure. I think our desire for true happiness and love has to come from loving God first and foremost. Then we have to love ourselves and the creation we are under God's hands. I think we often seek earthly love because we think it will fulfill a void we have in our life....but if we are unable to give our love away we are with holding love from ourselves and from others. People are difficult to love sometimes. It's because as humans we are flawed. We will never be perfect nor will others. So what we have to learn to do is love the imperfections in ourselves as well as in others....just as Christ does for us. You know Christ love is called Agape....and it's a love that loves even when that love is not deserved. We mess up so many times...we can often act towards Christ just as your husband is acting towards you....but you know what....God loves us broken and apart....because it is in our broken times that we are most vulnerable. I believe from what you shared that your husband does love you....but he has a hard time showing you that love because of his own "health" issues that you shared with us. I think if you were to really accept the love that your husband is able to show you, then you too could return that love to him. Sometimes it takes giving our love away, for us to appreciate the love that is already given to us. Just know not to set your expectations higher than one can achieve, and that is often a different level for every person. And no matter what....never forget Jesus loves you very much....and with Him you can draw strength and peace in your earthly relationships with your children and your husband.

Praying for you.

Take care

[dema]

It might be that a safe word would help. If your husband does really care about you and the children, when he is being a bad example, a word - like "Seagull" might mean, "Is this what you want our children to learn?"

I suggest making it mean a question.

You might have a different word that means, "I need some time alone."

Using a word like that can help. If he really cares.

[alyce356]

He thrives on being offensive. Early on in our marriage I would try to talk to him about anything that I thought we should address. I learned quickly that his answer to anything I disagreed with was, "get your sh** and get out I was like this when you married me. We went to counseling for a while, which actually seemed to help. After a while he stopped taking meds, and quit going to counseling. If I ask him to reign it in around the kids his typical answer is either they bring it on themselves, they deserve it, if I discipline them it wouldn't come to this, or its my fault for raising wimps. His language is much stronger, but you get the idea. Since our kids are mostly adopted he tells me to send them back or he never really wanted them. He only interacts positively with or youngest daughter.

[dema]

Keep your eyes open about that youngest daughter. Sometimes there's a reason. Not a good one.

I'm not saying there is - but you've got your hands full. If your instinct goes off - listen to it.

I'm sorry you have so much to put up with. Truly.

[alyce356]

Thank you, and thank you for allowing me to vent.

[dema]

Awww. If anybody needs to vent, you do. What a lot you have on your plate.

I tried really hard with a never happy husband. He's an ex now, and he's even more unhappy. But I'm happy now. Of course the in between is a horror.

Seek peace and follow peace. I imagine that getting ten seconds peace is a major achievement for you. But God does lead. If we can find the peace to let him lead through it.

God's instructions are peaceful. Urgent pushy feelings are generally from another source.

Anyway, I do feel for you and pray for you.

[alyce356]

Thank you. I have to fight the desire to give up unless I see a benefit to ny children. Dwelling on the idea that checking out will make everything better only leads to anger and depression. We all know there is no magic fix, so until God tells me to I'm here.

[mlg]

Any chance of getting back into counseling? Or maybe getting him to do the counseling program here at the Oasis?

Keep hanging strong in the Lord.

Take care

[alyce356]

I would love to get him back in counseling, and taking meds regularly. I don't think he sees the drastic difference we do. Suggesting this is actually a really good idea. Thank you!

[mlg]

Prayers for you and your husband and family. *hugs*