Christianity Oasis Forum

[JPChristianMan]

So I need help with my emotions regarding my girlfriend. We have not been together very long, only a little over a month, and we are still in the beginning stages of a relationship. Unless she is pulling a good con job, I'm confident that she is a serious Christian who wants to live right for the LORD. We met on a Christian dating site, and she actually found ME on there and sent me a wink and a message and all that. The fact that she initiated with me is a key point in this situation, and it is a source of confusion for me, as I will explain. See, for the first few weeks she would text me and send me goofy SnapChat pictures frequently, and I would respond accordingly. But for the past week or so, she has not been sending me any snapchat pictures, except for one today, and she will look at all of the ones I send her but never respond to any of them. And with text, I have to initiate, she wont send any to me, and when I do send her texts, sometimes she never responds to them, and other times she takes all day to respond, and only responds with some short little phrase that might as well be meaningless. While taking into account that she may be busy with other things, I have interpreted her behavior (or lack there of) as either her losing interest in me or feeling smothered and trying to give me a hint to back off a bit. A few days ago I sent her a message asking her to be honest with me. I asked her if she felt I was smothering her with too many text messages and snapchat pictures (even though I haven't really been sending that many messages) or if I did something that made her mad? I told her that if she felt that way, just let me know and I'd give her some space. But she eventually replied "I don't want you to worry, keep your head up." About two weeks ago I asked if I had inadvertently made her mad, and I said that I didn't want to unknowingly do anything to make her not like me. She told me not to worry.

So she has assured me a few times that everything is fine and that she likes me and all that great stuff. But with all this silence and lack of response, I just cant help but worry that she might not like me anymore, or at least that I mean a lot less to her than she means to me. I get paranoid and think that she probably has the time to talk to me more, but that there are probably 100 other things she'd rather do before talk to me. I know that logic should tell me not to worry about it, that she is just busy, but I'm just confused because she would talk to me so much in the beginning and now it feels like almost nothing. Yet over Christmas break she said she would miss hearing from me during the time when I was gone off with family, and there have been a few times where we were talking on the phone, and when she had to get off, she told me to still text her afterwards. So that does indicate that she likes hearing from me.

I was hurt by all of my exes (5 of them) deceiving me and leading me on, so it makes me paranoid that she is doing the same thing to me, even though there is no enough real proof to support that. I think that maybe she is just absent minded, and maybe forgets about me sometimes, rather than purposefully ignoring me. Yesterday, we had agreed in a text message that it was ok for me to call her at 8:30. So when I called at 8:30, she didn't pick up, and sent a message that she couldn't talk right then, but that she would call me in 15 minutes. She never called me the rest of the night. I know that she may have gotten caught up in whatever she was busy with at the time, and she has a bad habit of falling asleep in the middle of something right around 10:00-10:30 every night, so I figured that's probably what happened and I'm trying to not take it personally. But she never called me today either, and I think it was probably more due to forgetting that she promised to call me, rather than being too busy to do so. But that still hurts, because I feel like if I was really so important to her, that she wouldn't forget about me so easily.

That is why my emotions are all a wreck. When we do get to talk on the phone (which isn't often) she sounds happy and excited to talk to me, and she has assured me a few times that I don't have anything to worry about, but all the other times her lack of words, emotion, etc make me feel like she doesn't care about me that much. I've been praying to God to help me be patient and not take offense to those things, but I still seem anxious and on edge a lot, and hearing from her in a genuine way (not meaningless brief txt comments) is the only thing that quells my fears and restores my confidence.

I'm so mixed up right now, I don't know what to do. Sure I pray, but it doesn't seem to do much to help me feel better or change the current situation. Please offer any help you can.

[dema]

How often is often for you? In a romantic relationship, I would expect to talk for at least a few minutes every day if the relationship is exclusive. Do you know that it is exclusive? I don't know if you have dated and held hands, not held hands, not kissed, necked heavily or what you have done or not done. If there hasn't been any real physical contact then she may not view you as her boyfriend.

I know that sometimes when a person is determined to wait for marriage, that person will really keep a distance in order to not lose control. But keeping a distance can be misinterpreted.

The other part of that is that when someone has been waiting a long time, he might be calling and/or texting many times in a day. A couple of times in a day is a lot if she isn't initiating. If you text and she answers, then texting again is appropriate. However if she doesn't text back, then waiting a few hours and trying again and then not texting again until the next day is appropriate. These are rules of thumb.

It is common for one person to think that five times in a day isn't much and for another person to think that three times in a week is too much contact. Or she may feel that reading texts from you is interesting but....

I do not get the impression that she views you in the same way you view her. She may still be in wait and see mode.

Have you had dates with her? If you have not had an actual date, then her behavior is a warning sign. Do not send money no matter what. There are a lot of scammers who behave like you describe. They act like you want them to act, but then they have a seemingly real crisis and tell you not to worry about it. That if they don't get the money they will be evicted, be in great pain, etc etc. but that it isn't your problem - or they may just hate to ask and ask. This is a scam. Please do not fall for it.

A person truly looking for a relationship will want to meet you within a couple of weeks. Business trips don't tend to last that long. Multiple excuses that sound good are a warning sign. So please, be careful. Careful, careful.

I did meet my husband on Christian Mingle, he is wonderful, but I had two scammers wink at me. And then write. And they managed to rip off my girlfriend for a lot of money. She texted this guy for months. And talked on the phone.

Anyway, I don't know. I really don't. But I do know that when someone is smitten, really attracted, they tend to answer promptly much of the time. Not always - people have to work. But much of the time.

But again, everybody is different - just be careful.

[JPChristianMan]

Well we haven't yet gone on our first date, but it is supposed to be this Sunday at her church. She lives about 3 hrs away from me. No she has not asked for any money. But like I said, it is weird, because for the first few weeks she used to respond quickly to my texts but now it takes a long time, I'm lucky to get more than 2 responses all day the way she's being right now. I wonder if that period of about 3 weeks being talkative and this week being distant might have to do with her time of the month. She did tell me that she doesn't talk much when she's tired or doesn't feel good.

And in actuality she seems very cautious about me. Even though talking on the phone is always good, she said she was nervous about meeting me. She wants it to be at her church, and that is fine. She also wants our date to be with a few of her friends coming along, and she wants me to drive separate and meet them at the restaurant. I understand her cautiousness but it does seem a little over the top, but if that's what it has to be like, I will go along with it. I don't know how long it will be before she will be ready for a kiss either, but I know we both agreed that when dating and engaged, boundaries should be composed of holding hands, kissing, hugs, and laying a head on the other's shoulder. We agreed cuddling lying down and neck kissing were too risky.

Again though, I've been praying a lot. I've been praying for God to help calm my fears, and I've been praying for Him to show me whether she is the one I'm meant to be with or not. I've prayed that if she really does care about me, that God would influence her to prove it to me some how. You are probably right, she probably isn't as serious about me as I am about her, at this point in time.

[dema]

Sometimes, when we are lonely, we develop a lot of expectations.

It is important to be able to relax. To be able to be silly.

When you tell someone to read the Bible more, it makes them want to do it less. Asking her about what she is learning and really listening is more productive.

I wonder if you aren't more interested in the concept of marriage than in this particular woman. Learning about her and accepting her differences is important. Maybe she votes for different people than you. That should be acceptable to you. She is a person and won't be just like you.

Sometimes my husband expects something of me and I ask him if that is his fantasy wife he's thinking about. I'm not talking sex. I'm talking conversation. He sometimes expects certain responses. He's had conversations in his head. I don't play that role. And sometimes he expects me to. To like what fantasy girl liked. To like being pinned against the wall and kissed.

Your implied expectations may be scaring her. She is real. And her own self.

[JPChristianMan]

@dema

I'll keep this short since I sent you a PM with more detail, but we aren't talking anymore. She lost interest in me. But I don't think it was because of my expectations, I think I was just too boring in her eyes. I expected her to live up to the qualities that she claimed to have on her profile description, but it seemed like being a Christian was the only thing that she lived up to.

But no, I don't expect a woman to do all the house work. I expect to split it with her equally. I just want to find a good woman who actually lives up to Proverbs 31, rather than not being able to be content with a "good guy" because she has hollywood/bad boy expectations of a man.

[DicipleofJesus]

There is a danger that you are right, about her pulling a good con job. Sure people can forget or become preoccupied at given moments. But when it happens as often as you claim and where the communication from her is now a lot less then before, then maybe she was idealising you and now knows how to get at you. Even Christians can have an unhealthy amount of arcissism and think nothing about what they are doing to whomever and when mentionned will deny it. Maybe you are just an object for HER fix to enable her to feel better at your expense.

Or maybe the chemical release that comes with infatuation has worn off as it will do sooner or later and now she doesn't feel the same excitement towards you. But doesn't want to lose you. So she says don't worry about it......when maybe you ought to be. Having said all the above it is important to remember that she is not the only one out there. But I also tried something similar to your online date site. there are a lot of whacky people out there. Best you go where there are people who share interests common to yours and see what comes out of that. After my experience I'm willing to bet there are women posing as Christians on that site who really are into mind games. I think the ball is in your court about what to do. And she just might be one you want to drop. Her antics may not be about you.....but about her IF she is pulling that "good con" job. And if she is, she'll never admit it. You got to maybe just go with your gut on this one. But meeting a woman on a dating site may be a bit risky. This has become my personal observation for reasons mentionned above. In the end Jesus has said that you will know them by their fruit. A fig tree does not bring forth bananas, nor vice versa. There are "Christians" who are nothing more then wolves in sheep's clothing on that Christian site. The odds favor that in my view.