Christianity Oasis Forum

[N-need]

I don't know what really to say. I only know how I feel, and I am horrible at stating it.

I was abused most of my life and lived in fear, rejection, hurt, and anger. I was diagnosed with PTSD as a youth, and every since I was about six I have a really difficult time describing how I feel, and sometimes not even aware that I feel anything.

Recently I have been separated from my wife and my family. It is primarily my fault, I believe. I have a difficult time with communicating feelings, and I have a really difficult time dealing with the disrespect and disobedience that my oldest children render tot heir mother and I.

I love my children, and I love my wife, as best as I can, and I want to be open and honest with them, yet that is difficult for me. I need to learn how to better manage my emotions, particularly the anger that I feel toward my oldest child when he is disrespectful toward his mother and I. I need to know positive ways to vent. I need to be a better parent and husband.

Frankly, I am angry at myself, my wife, and my children. I am hurt that they want me to love them, yet I feel so unloved. They want me to be kind, yet I hear how horrible I am, and how I am hated. My children are afraid of me, and I understand that; I certainly do not want it, and want to change that. I also want them to be respectful and honoring toward their mother and me. I also am hurt that I have not been able to let so much in my past go. I am also so frustrated that I have allowed my life to get like this. I would cry, but I have a difficult time expressing even sadness.

I hope God can forgive me, and that I can be loved. I so desire to be loved.

Not long ago my wife confessed that she had an emotional affair. She stated that she was not in love with me anymore because I had pushed her away emotionally. I understand that, but it still hurts. I have informed her that I believe that it is in the best interest of the family unit that she decide what it is she wants to do, either get counselling and move toward that together, or divorce and we get that going. Either way she decides, I really am in need of counselling and assistance.

I think that is more than I really am comfortable to share. I know that I sound really bad, but I do love my family, and I really do want some help, and I am sorry for pushing my family away and not being able to describe my emotions. I love people, and I love helping people, but right now, I need help.
Thanks

[Dora]

Hello Brother. I have PTSD as well. I don't often feel loved. I feel like a huge empty pot that never can be filled. But they do love you and you have to remind yourself of that. Children love their daddy. It's just the way it is. They may not show it but they do love you. Push yourself to show them you love them even when you don't feel it. I leave love notes for my husband and kids. I'll make their fav meals. Rub their back gently. Sometimes it's cause they need it. Sometimes it's cause I want to show them my love. Having PTSD does not mean you can't show love and control your symptoms. It just means we have to work harder than those with out PTSD to show love and to share our feelings.

I am glad you shared despite it being uncomfortable. There's nothing you said that shouldn't of been said. I hope you do get counseling on how to be a better parent if you feel you need it.

When I accepted how huge the Fathers love was for me I began to see others care about me as well. Do you know how much God loves you? He is the author of love. He knows what you went through and He does grieve for you.

It is difficult being a spouse of someone with PTSD. I don't know what it's like but I imagine the mood swings, the anger flair ups, the taking things the wrong way because we're so use to negative talk and our self esteem is so unbelievably low, it all must frustrate and even hurt our family and friends. We MUST give when there is nothing in us to give. They need it.

My anger use to be huge. I was even told I am so angry I was going to land in jail one day. Now I rarely get angry at all. How did I go through such a huge switch? Prayer. If you can even catch a second of prayer before you loose your temper it does help. It helps to recognize that God is there watching and caring.

This program helped a lot to. I suggest when thoughts are triggered you share them here in your journal.

[N-need]

Thanks Pine.

In answer to your question: No, I do not know the full extent of how much God loves me. What I mean by that is I do not know why He loves me. I know that He does, I know that He has given the best, but why?

[Dora]

because He is good like that.

[Mackenaw]

Hello N-need

God bless you this day, and welcome to Christianity Oasis. I'm glad The Lord led you here.

You asked, why God loves you. God created all of us because God is Love, and He created us to love us and to be loved by us. Why you? Why not you? You are part of His creation that He created in love to love. That in itself, is simply AWESOME, but, God also wants a relationship with us. Did you catch that? God wants a relationship with you, N-need. Wooooooohoooooooo!!!

Continue reading the 14 Day Counseling (CCCC) Study. He has lots to share with you.

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

[itsjanet]

I completed the 14 day program not too long ago during a volatile and emotionally draining point in my family unit. Rather than looking for who loves who or who hurt who, what helped me get through the tension in my family and myself was not the dissection of the blame game. Instead look for God in this disaster. I'm guessing that the problem is that your family doesn't think you love them because you probably don't love yourself. Therefore, you may have a difficulty in understanding the concept of love. If everything I'm laying out is far from the truth. I apologize. I've been in a similar situation mentioned above.

What worked for me is seeking God and His love for us. God is very personal and real. If you don't know how to love your family, ask God. Seek God for His love. You'll see Him more clearly when you communicate with Him.

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.[a]
Proverbs 3:5-6

My past failure was due to prayers that lacked faith. I'd pray to God, then buried myself in fear that God may not follow through. Instead, I should just look for God and His plan for us that is molded in His perfect love.

Love has been translated in many different ways, but true love comes from God. Ask God to help you mirror His perfect love towards your family. It's not always easy. God's love towards us took Jesus to the cross. It's looks like you are seeking the spirit of God's love. He will lead you and your family to the next level.

[N-need]

Hello itsjanet- No, that really is not what is going on at all. It's not that I do not believe that God loves me, nor is it that I do not accept that love, or that I do not love myself. I appreciate the input as it provides much to thank about, and I certainly appreciate your testimony. Thank you for sharing.

Hello Mackenaw- I once taught sermon that dealt with the very thing that you discuss, but the Scripture that pointed to it for me was in Genesis, where man was created in the image of God. God loves me not just because of his nature, but because of His image as well. It has been an interesting study. Sometimes I need to be reminded, and I thank you for it.

[Shan]

Hello and welcome,

Thank you for opening up and sharing your pain with us. You're in a good place to do that. Keep at the stepping stones, they have opened so many doors for me in my relationship with God, I hope they will you too.

I have a twelve year old who is disrespectful, a boundary buster, lacks self-control, bullies, angry and so on and so on. I found a really good website called empoweringparents.com. The teachings from the site have changed my life and are making a difference in his. I used to be such an angry out of control mom towards my son because I didn't know how to handle his bad behavior. Through their teaching I've learned to stay in control of myself and hold him accountable for his behavior. And it's free! I hope you take a look at it as soon as possible, you won't regret it.

God bless you and keep you,
Shan

[N-need]

Hi Shan-

Thank you so much for the encouragement and the website. I greatly appreciate it. It is nice knowing that someone has been through similar circumstances.