Christianity Oasis Forum

[Dora]

Wondering how the candy filled kids behaved today.

I tell ya I could see the difference in the ones I tend to. Whew was I glad when they went home today. Grumpy and rowdy all at the same time.

[kimby]

Early on in the school year, when things were so very hard, when the kids weren't behaving and pushing every boundary, I doubted myself. I doubted that God had sent me here. In the midst of it, in the middle of fights, extreme behaviour, and being cussed out, God said to me, "Do you want them to obey because they love you or fear you?" My answer was of course love. His reply..."That takes longer." I think I am seeing the truth of that before my very eyes. There are three fifth grade classes in the school. Over the last two weeks the other two have self-destructed. Mine has started to blossom. They don't entirely trust me yet. Everything in their young lives tells them that is dangerous. If I ask them to line up, they can't do it without the frantic questions of, "Why?" and "Where are we going?" I believe that we will get there one day.

My principal insisted that every third grade and every fifth grade teacher go to training the last two days. Two weeks ago I begged not to. I didn't want to leave my class. I was worried. I was still a little worried as I told them Wednesday that they wouldn't see me again until Monday. They were genuinely sad. One insisted on three hugs as she left that afternoon to make up for the days I would be gone. Their substitute is a friend of mine that works at the school. I checked in with her often. They were good! Today much of the school was in chaos. The report from the office was that they couldn't put out one fire before another one started. I began to worry...I called up to my classroom...and they were quietly in the middle of taking a test. I am so proud of them. My heart swells with the knowledge that a lot of what played into the last two days being good is that they wanted to do it for me. Obedience out of love really does take longer, but if this is the result it was worth it.

I had an email from my boss's wife. She was my 'mummy' while I lived overseas. She said she was waiting for the day that I could honestly tell her that I was truly settled and happy. I am still too homesick for that to be the case just yet, but after the last two weeks there is a glimmer of hope that I just may get there eventually.

[Dora]

That made me smile! Thanks for sharing.

I wanted 3 hugs too.

Love you.

[kimby]

Almost a year since my last post...thought it might be time to update things again.

Since my last post there have been some changes. In the spring I had numerous interview offers. After last year trying to apply from overseas this was a pleasant and unexpected surprise! I interviewed with three schools. I got called back from all three. One of those was the school that I felt God had led me to before I ever left Europe. I couldn't even get a conversation with the principal back then. I couldn't understand why God would point me in the direction of such an obviously closed door. A few months ago I saw exactly why.

The principal that I couldn't get a phone call through to left. The one that took her position had been principal years before at the school I was in for the 2011-2012 year. He remained close with several of the staff and when he saw my name and location come across his desk he made some quick calls to check on me. He liked what he heard from my current coworkers (his former employees) and called me with the statement, "If I could hire you based solely on recommendation, I would do it on the spot."

To shorten the story...if I had not been at the school I was at in 11-12, this principal might not have considered me, but with his background and connections at that school the door flew wide open. Had God not led me to this particular school the year before, in light of the other offers I might not have given it a second look. God was setting something up that I couldn't see or fathom.

The school I was at last year was tough. I went home in tears many days. I often felt like a failure. I was drained physically, mentally and emotionally, but those kids were precious and I know they needed me. It was not a wasted year by any stretch. It was truly hard to leave the school...tears of a whole different variety. My new school is such a blessing though! I am tired at the end of the day, but not depleted. I am no longer commuting two hours a day. I am going through a single tank of gas a week as opposed to two or three. Talking and tattling are the extremes of behaviour issues. It is a new grade level so that presents a new challenge, but I am really enjoying it!

During the summer I also purchased a house. There is much work to be done and it is going slowly, but I hope to be able to move in within the next few months. I believe that will help my stress level as well. To truly have my own place and my own space and be in charge of my own schedule will be fabulous!!

I will attempt to not be such a stranger once I am settled in my own place and on my own timetable.

[Dora]

So good to hear from you!

I hope to see you around much more often.

Glad to hear things are better. Miss you friend!

[dema]

I'm so glad everything is going well for you. And that you see God's footprints so clearly. Hugs.

[kimby]

I said it wouldn't happen and it did...almost another year since my last post. I am not even sure why I am posting today beyond just needing to dump all this somewhere.

A year later and I am still at the same school, teaching the same grade. That was touch and go for a bit in the spring as the budget didn't look promising for the district to be able to rehire the teachers on temporary contract. (In my state if you are in your first two years with a district, you are on a temporary contract.) I found out the evening of the last day of school that I would be able to return for this school year. It was wonderful to go into the first summer in two years not scrambling to find a position. It is nice to have some familiarity as well and not be learning another school's way of doing things. There were major delays on my house and I am still not moved in.

Those are the facts, but they don't begin to adequately describe life. Right now only one word can really accomplish that...overwhelming.

One morning, almost a year ago, I woke up having lost pretty much all ability to connect with Jesus. I couldn't see Him, hear Him, interact with Him. Nothing. Initially I accepted it as just "one of those seasons." The season continues still today. I have done everything I know to get through. I have done everything others have suggested. Still no break. It seems the longer the distance lasts the more fear of Him sets in.

Trying to redo the house has been trying at best. I lack the knowledge to do everything in the proper order and the money to hire someone who knows the proper order so things have been hit and miss. There has been delay after delay which is frustrating...maddening at times. I am continuing to stay with my parents while I wait for progress to happen. My mother's demands take more and more of my time...my energy. I love her. I love my father. But having no space, no time, and no respect have taken their toll on me.

On the work front, I love teaching. I hate politics. Sadly in my state the two have melded together into one. The pressure that has come with this marriage is incredible. I was observed more last year than in almost my entire first ten years of teaching combined. Imagine having someone watching you constantly, waiting for you to mess up. Imagine doing that with twenty eight year olds in your charge. This year my principal asked me to take the lowest reading group. Our state has instituted new laws stating that any third grader not reading at grade level by the end of the year will be retained. This is the only grade level this is being put into place. I have the lowest reading group. Several of my students are reading at a mid-year Kindergarten level. The expectation placed on me and them is that we make up the missing two and half years, plus the additional third grade year...in eight months. If we are unable to do this, we are all considered failures. The child who may have gained two years worth of reading will be deemed a failure. As their teacher, I will be also. This failure will be reflected in my evaluation. All of this is on top of the new state standards that have been put into place. They are asking ridiculous things of children and teachers. The pressure is ridiculous. The hours I am putting in are absurd.

Yesterday I ran an errand to get something for my students while they were in music. There wasn't a space available in the front lot so I had to leave to go to the second lot. It was raining. My car stopped in the driveway, but about six feet beyond where I wanted it to. Of course another car was coming on the street. The high schooler almost missed me, but not quite. Sigh. I had always prided myself on a clean driving record, not causing any accidents nor having any tickets. In one day, because of one stupid errand, I blew that. It is gone and I can do nothing to get it back. I am so angry with myself. I was managing okay this morning, until one of my co-workers showed me the Twitter conversation the girl had with another high schooler. Comments questioning my sobriety and the validity of my driver's license. I know they are high schoolers and I know I shouldn't care, but it hurts to know people are saying ugly things about you. People who don't know you. People who don't know that for sixteen years you have had a spotless driving record. People that don't know you did everything in your power to keep what happened from happening. Did I mention I was going to get cookie cakes to celebrate my birthday with the class? Double sigh.

I am exhausted in every conceivable way. I feel beat down. I must admit that it may actually be a year before I have time or emotional strength to sit down and update again. At least by saying that, if I beat it I look good!

[dema]

You are incredibly hard at yourself. I have been incredibly hard on myself in the work arena - but not in everything. Kimby, it seems that you expect perfection and keep records in all arenas. I gave up my company and went to work for another one. When they saw I was all stressed, they took me to lunch and asked how they could help. When I had too much work and I suggested that someone else take one job, they gave it to him. But two weeks later he hadn't gotten to it yet and I took it back. I was stressed having it on my plate and not getting to it. But they weren't stressed.

When we are weak, then He is strong. Perfectionism shuts out God. You are doing it all yourself.

And the driving record? Who cares (other than the annoying nasty gossip - that is infuriating. grr.) ? Who cares about your driving record? A fender bender in the rain where it sounds like your car malfunctioned? Even if it didn't and it was entirely human error - who cares?

And your failure statement about the reading - that may be true for the politicians - but the principal and the district superintendent will know. You are basically calling them idiots. They have been in education for decades most likely. They know how it works. Those kids need to get through third grade. If you get them up to the point where they can get through it next year it will be wonderful. They may be picturing you having the slow reading group two years and having the same kids for two years and getting them through. Why don't you express your fears to the principal that you have previously described favorably. In giving yourself all this pressure, you are also discrediting others.

[kimby]

I am only as hard on myself as I need to be to get what needs to be done, done. My boss isn't taking me out to lunch and asking how he can make my life easier. He is working with twenty other teachers feeling the same way I am. Not to mention the pressure that is being put on him as principal. We would all love to help each other, but we are barely keeping ourselves afloat. We have no life preserver to toss to anyone. Our little scrap of wood scarcely holds us.

Who cares about my driving record? Me. And I would imagine my insurance company will find it of interest. Sadly we live in a world where mistakes are not allowed. I made one. I will pay dearly for it. And there is nothing about it I can undo. There is no way I can make things right. That is frustrating. And disheartening...very, very disheartening.

With the new laws the principal and the superintendent will have their hands tied. These are state laws that we have to follow. They affect us and they affect the kids. Third graders do not become fourth graders without passing this test. Having a large group of third graders remaining in third grade means the teacher didn't do her job. A chunk of my evaluation is based on whether my students become fourth graders. Yes, I agree that plan was created by those who have no clue about what a public school is really like. But that is the plan I have to live up to.

That is just the thing. All this pressure, all these things on my plate, I can't get out from under it. I can't remove anything from my plate. Well, I suppose I could, but I am a fan of employment. With all the work demands, it makes those in my personal life seem all the more overwhelming.

I may lean towards being a perfectionist. I like to say I did something to the best of my ability. It just gets a bit much when you are given impossible tasks..or impossible numbers of them.

But I get up each morning, put one foot in front of the other, find a piece of chocolate to help make it through the day, and fall into bed. The next morning I don't hit snooze, I hit the repeat button and do it all over again.

[dema]

You have a long history of trusting God. You didn't make the laws. You didn't pick the students. God is bigger than either. Sometimes it is easier to trust in a life or death situation than in a merely overwhelming one. Sometimes God lets it pile on and on until we finally say "I can't God. I need you. Help. " The trust part is knowing that we can rest in him.

You are allowed a fender bender. Everybody is. Nobody has one on purpose. And many insurance companies overlook one.

And if your boss is too busy to give you a one hour meeting then truly I think there is a huge problem.

God brings peace. Even in the middle of a storm. I am experiencing it more and more and find it amazing. And more than a bit confusing. But I am learning to accept the gift without treating it like a gift horse. A different one step at a time.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Kimby (((hugs)))

God bless you this day.

Kimby, the part of your post that stood out to me, the most, was this:

One morning, almost a year ago, I woke up having lost pretty much all ability to connect with Jesus. I couldn't see Him, hear Him, interact with Him. Nothing. Initially I accepted it as just "one of those seasons." The season continues still today. I have done everything I know to get through. I have done everything others have suggested. Still no break. It seems the longer the distance lasts the more fear of Him sets in.

While we all go through seasons and also lots of challenges in this life, whatever those challenges are, if our connection with The Lord is suffering, all other challenges will be more difficult, because our perspective is askew and we find ourselves just grunting through.

You are a busy woman with lots on your plate and you, no doubt, want to give your best effort in everything you do.

I'm praying for you, praying that your relationship with The Lord is given first priority and that you are renewed. God's will be done. Kimby, The Lord wants you renewed. Jesus loves you. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and everything else will be added unto you.

I'm here if you want to vent, or cry, or whatever. (((hugs)))

God bless and keep you, Kimby.
Love,
Mack

[kimby]

Thank you, Mack.

That is the part that stands out to me as well. I know it is the crux of most, if not all, of the overwhelmingness of life at the moment. Unfortunately it is the one part I have been unable to make any progress in. I have tried all the obvious things to fix and restore it, none of them have made a dent. I think part of the difficulty is not knowing how it happened. A gradual distancing from God...you can look back and see the path. An overnight cut off...I am just baffled.

And the whole thing just messes with me. Last night I sat in a service hearing over and over that God loves us, that He hasn't forgotten us, that He will answer when we call, that He wants to be with us. My head understands that. Completely. My heart looks at the last year and is broken all over again. It would seem that none of that is true if I look at the facts. I have cried out to Him with tears pouring down my face time and time again...He hasn't come, He hasn't answered. It doesn't appear He wants to be with me because for a year I have tried everything I know to be with Him.

The longer this goes on the harder it gets. Fear of Him has completely taken root. I was thinking on it this morning and I may have come to understand why. If He has felt the need to stay away from me this long, there really is no reason other than anger or displeasure. If He is so angry or so displeased that He couldn't bear to be anywhere near me for a year...do I really want to push the point and demand time in His presence? I think it is normal to avoid those that don't want to be around you. It is not normal to beg them to return. When that one is God...well, just a whole different dimension. I am not even sure that made sense. Not much does these days. I just know I am in a catch-22. I want to be with Him, but I am absolutely terrified of Him.

I will leave it there before I go on and sound anymore crazy than I already do.