Christianity Oasis Forum

by **dema** » Sun Aug 26, 2012 8:55 am

Thank you all for your prayers and your love.

I've learned a lot about grief.

Questions aren't good. If there needs to be a question, if it can be yes or no then that is best. But not having questions is better.

"Talk if you need to" needs to have implied, "but don't talk if that is what you need."

What is wanted is both variable and unpredictable. Touch, don't touch. Talk, don't talk.

Actually, I think the most valuable gift is silent presence. My fiancee, Jim, has been a trouper. He keeps trying to be here and not get in the way. To hug me when I want hugged, to go do something useful when I don't want to be touched. He tries to be quiet and leave the tv off, unless I turn it on. He has several degrees in related subjects and was a preacher for a while - he seems to have learned well. He hung curtains and tried to fix other things. And didn't complain when I critiqued. lol

.

Yesterday he wasn't here, and that was good too. I was ready for a day alone. And the house was filled with people last night. And that was good too.

Sometimes the sympathy is both wanted and debilitating. I need to function today and through this week. I chose not to go to church because the sympathy and hugs would have broken through the protective shell I am trying to build for the week. Next Monday is a holiday. Next Sunday I can go and face the sympathy and love and break down and take a day to recover. Or two.

Jim did dishes and fed cats and helped clean up messes. I have spilled more things in the last two weeks. I dropped a peach in my coffee and it made a fountain that spread out a couple of feet in all directions. I set a glass on the edge of the counter and the contents and the broken glass went out across the whole kitchen. I boiled things over.

Quiet presence, active listening, hugs, cards - I really appreciate the cards. They are sympathy when you want it. Tears on demand.

If words are necessary, then these are some of the best:

"I cannot comprehend what you are enduring. I am so sorry."

by **Dora** » Mon Aug 27, 2012 6:52 pm

I love you dema *hug*

*sits silently beside dema*

by **Christnundrconstruxn** » Mon Aug 27, 2012 7:45 pm

Dearest Dema,

I am glad you have such a good man to stand beside you (in silence when needed and open arms as well)

Please know we all sit with you in silence but are here to listen as well as cry hug or anything else you need
Much love to you and your family, prayers being asked *hug*

Cuc

by **dema** » Tue Aug 28, 2012 6:09 am

I wrote my grief post to my email list - and copied it here. It is so hard for people to know what to do. I think maybe it hurt some of your feelings and I had no intention of doing that. I solicited conversations about other things, and I enjoyed talking to some of you about other things. When I could. On my time schedule. Grief ebbs and flows and explodes and subsides. Some moments are impossible, all encompassing. Others are not - and to escape from the grief for a little while when the opportunity arises is a good thing. Nobody can know what the moment is except the griever. So, they pretty much have to steer.

Thank you for being my friends. For being here. I love you.