Christianity Oasis Forum

[chbalco]

Today's Course Identify the problem...Wow..First off Blame...I realize I am the king when it comes to this..I blame other people for everything..When the reality is that whatever happened I allowed it to happen by my actions and choices..THEY WERE ALL MY RESPONSIBILITIES..NO ONE ELSE IS TO BLAME EXCEPT FOR ME BECAUSE I ALLOWED THE DEVILS SEED TO GROW IN MY BRAIN AND FLOURISH...AND I ACCEPT THAT RESPONSIBILITY AND RESOLVE TO STOP BLAMING OTHERS FOR MY MISTAKES AND PULL THE DEVILS WEED OUT OF MY MIND AND STOMP ON IT AND DO A DANCE AND PRAISE THE LORD FOR DELIVERING ME FROM MY SELFISH NATURE

then of course we move to Revenge,Anger,Mistrust,Hatred,Fear,Grief and of Course my old best friend Pride...Wow What a wretched soul I was before Jesus Intervened and brought me back to his sweet loving arms

I told god exactly what my problems are..anger,anxiety,broken heart,complacency,confusion,depression,divorce,doubt,drinking,terrible dreams,evil thoughts,lost faith,falling down,fear,financial problems,forgiveness issues,blame,gossiping,guilt,arrogance,pride,jealousy,judgmental,loneliness,lost love,lust,inpatient,greed...and I asked him to show me anything else in my life that is not pleasing in his eyes so that I can ask him to change it..so that I may serve him with a pure and true heart

I AM SELFISH....hurts to say that but its the truth..I started this course because of my own need to cure my own heartache..BUT I am continuing it now because Jesus is renewing my spirit every single day and making me a man who will glorify him with my words and actions..Praise Jesus

Today was church day..I was very anxious and nervous because I knew that my ex gf would be there and I just didn't know if I was ready to see her again even if it was for a brief time..My son and youngest daughter went to their Sunday school classes..my oldest daughter attended service with me..we sat on the opposite side of the church then what she does just so I didn't cause any issues(God has lead me to realize that she needs her space and I cannot interfere with her life and her happiness I have to continue to focus on what he is doing in my life and what he is preparing me for)..I did not see her in the audience when then music started..as we began to sing..I sang louder then I ever have before and raised my hands in praise to Jesus as did my 6 yr old daughter..as I was singing and praising the lord..The thought kept entering my mind..I hope she is seeing this..and I quickly prayed to god that he instill in me that this is an act of me praising and worshiping the Lord not for others to see..Like I said at this point I did not know if she was there or not..this thought kept entering my mind and I kept rebuking it and keeping my focus on praising the lord..we had a brief point where the music stopped and a prayer was said while seated..I looked over and she was sitting in her seat..as the prayer ended and we rose to sing again..I noticed that the group was so large that she couldn't possibly see me..and to be honest this made it easier to praise the lord by knowing that she couldn't see me..So I continued to raise my hands and praise the lord and sing my heart out and tap my feet...IT IS SO AWESOME TO WORSHIP SUCH AN AMAZING GOD...It was an amazing service about parenting according to scripture and it was very inspirational to me

as church service ended..We both went to pick the kids up..my daughter seen her and went up to her and gave her a hug..I approached from the side in a non threatening manner..and smiled and said hey how are you..we spoke a little about our daughter, and both walked back to pick the kids up..we spoke a little more and we seemed to communicate without any anger or ill feelings towards each other..as we were leaving my 4 year old son made a comment "you aren't allowed at daddy's house anymore"..Something I had stupidly said in anger a couple days before everything hit rock bottom after a fight..She made the comment to him..yes I know what daddy said..my son started to run off as I asked her what she said and she told me..I yelled his name..She told me "NO Don't Say anything to him"..I told her no I'm not going to say anything I just don't want him to run off..as we walked outside..we talked a little bit about my daughter being dropped off on Monday morning at my home..she made a comment about wanting to see my other 2 kids but I probably wouldn't let her..I said of course you can..they are going home Wednesday morning early..But if you would like to have them for the day Tuesday then I can work on my counseling course..she said ill just text you..and we parted ways

I am not getting ahead of myself..I am Jesus focused completely and wouldn't even attempt to reignite a relationship with her right now..But to me she did not look happy..She actually looked depressed and sad..Maybe she is seeing the changes in me and having second thoughts..But I have decided that I am not going to read into it anymore then that..Yes I love her and Yes I would take her back without question IF that is the will of god for my life and make a complete start over with her..I have already realized that everything really can be forgiven and forgotten and never brought up again..Just Like Jesus has forgiven us..so We to have to forgive and forget

As A personal side note: As I was shopping in a store for pool supplies with my kids after church..a very attractive woman talked to me..Initially it was just hey if you need some new filters they are in the back..I said oh thank you and walked around the store..she then showed up by the pool filters on the other side of the store and kind of hung around me and there was an exchange of brief smiles..I let the kids play with some toys and she moved over right in front of the toy aisle I was in with my kids.. as we were leaving she was partially blocking the aisle..so I said sorry..excuse me..and she replied with a laugh and smile..Im sorry I just seem to be getting in your way..I ran into her a third time over by the groceries...Now I had no thoughts of lust or any other ill intentions about her..But I believe she was flirting with me..And It was actually nice to feel attractive by a woman after all that has happened...I did not pursue it any further then harmless flirting..But I would just like to say to her..Thank you I really needed to feel attractive again that was great timing

also as me and the kids were checking out..the cashier made a comment about how calm and patient my kids were and I proudly told her..That's because they have Jesus in their hearts

after a few hours..I did send my ex gf a text message and it read as follows:
It was very nice to see you..I have absolutely no hard feelings against you for anything..Jesus had to bring me to him with a totally broken spirit so he could renew my spirit and make me a Christ focused man...I ask that you forgive me for all of the things I did to you..the verbal and physical abuse,my greed,my selfishness,my arrogance,my mistrust,taking you for granted...I'm not asking you to forgive me for my benefit but in doing so you can be free of the invisible net that I have cast over your head with my words and my actions...it truly breaks my heart to even bare the thought that I have ever made anyone feel the way I have felt...the last 11 days of my life have been absolutely Horrible..I don't think I have ever cried or been in so much despair in my life over all the guilt that I have felt..But this isn't about me anymore..Its all about Jesus and his will for my life and he is healing me everyday through counseling and scripture..His love for me amazes me more and more everyday..and I will never turn away from him again...he is my rock and my savior..I am truly sorry for everything and when you are ready I hope that you will forgive me..I am saying a prayer that your heart will receive this message as a sincere sign of the renewed spirit that Jesus has placed in me..Take care and God bless you for everything.

Now she did not respond to that text..However I am not surprised..I am sure she thinks this is all about getting her back and Ill just go back to my old ways...Who could blame her for thinking that...I gave her every reason in the world to think EXACTLY that..But on the same note..I know just by me saying that small prayer for her heart to receive the message to Jesus..that it got through to her and planted a seed..now we have to wait for that seed to grow

I also did start reading the "purpose driven life" last night..yes I know I said I would wait..but..well I didn't want to.. and god is happy that I am so anxious to find out his purpose for me..I will keep everyone updated on my progress

If ANYONE has an comments or words of advice or even words of constructive criticism on how I am handling the situation with my ex gf...Please DON'T hesitate to give them to me..this is the way that we learn..I only ask that if it is harsh..please use the private message feature so rough words aren't posted on here

GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND KEEP THE PRAYERS COMING...DAY 6 TOMORROW AND ANOTHER DAY OF LEARNING..CANT WAIT

[Ruthk34]

I think you did very well on how you are handling this for it is never easy.

Praying for you