Christianity Oasis Forum

by **kricky517** » Sun Apr 22, 2012 8:42 pm

I am gonna try to tell this story in parts so that it does not get too long. For now, I will get right to the point. I am in a strange relationship with someone who calls himself a Christian. He is like I had always been until now... a believer who ignores parts of the bible that do not fit into my life. I have had pre-marital sex with 3 men in my lifetime. One was in high school, one I married after a couple years and divorced, and then one who I still live with but is more of a housemate situation and with whom I have had a daughter out of wedlock.
We have not gotten along since my daughter was born. I pushed him away and then he pushed me away. I have recently come back to God and I want to keep my promise to remain abstinent. He believes that I am pretending to be someone I am not. Which really was not a nice thing to say.
We did have issues before my daughter was born but I always ignored them because I was very dependent on him.
I want to leave but I am scared that he will hire a great lawyer and take my daughter from me, although I am the one who does everything for her and he does nothing, but I am still scared. I also have no where to go that is safe for my daughter. I have applied for low income housing near my family but I have not heard anything yet.
I am just so stressed out.

by **dantyriverside** » Sun Apr 22, 2012 11:56 pm

Krista you have made the first step coming here. Ask God to guide you in your decesions on how to handle each day. Maybe even before you let your feet hit the floor in the morning... ask for his blessing to be with you. I dont know what your situation with your "housemate" is but it sounds like you are headed in the right direction. Make a plan. Call the housing authority over the low income housing you are wanting and ask how long the waiting list is and what all you will need. If it seems to impossible you may have to make a plan "B" to get you though until low income houseing becomes available. Can you stay with family? In alot of relationships the significant other stays out of fear. Do not be afraid. God is with you and will always be with you. I left an abusive marriage after 15 years. I was afraid I could not survive. I walked away from everything in the middle of the night. God was by my side and I didnt even know it.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ; who strengthens me.
I only wish now I had the love and support that I have here back then and you have been blessed to have found that support. We will be here for you no matter your decesions. I will keep you in my prayers.

loves
danty

by **kricky517** » Mon Apr 23, 2012 10:07 am

I could stay with family, but there are so many issues regarding that decision. If it were just me, it would not be an issue. But I cannot stay with my mom cause my step father is also abusive to me. I could stay with my aunt but it is not safe for a 1 1/2 yr old and it is not just her that would have to change their lifestyle to keep my daughter safe.
All I am doing is hoping that something comes through soon with an apartment.
I pray every single day for God to show me the path He wants me to take.
I was in a emotionally abusive marriage and I do know how difficult it is to leave.
The relationship between me and my daughter's father is pretty much just 2 people living in the same house. We are not really even friends. I sleep in my daughters room right now. I have since she has come home from the hospital.
I visit my family whenever possible. I actually just got back from spending 2 weeks with my mom.

by **dantyriverside** » Mon Apr 23, 2012 11:02 pm

Hi Krista Another option may be to contact your local womens shelter. They may be able to speed up the process for getting you into a safe housing option. If not they may offer opportunities in your area that you are unaware of. Plus they can offer the support of people who are going through simular situations. Remember God is on your side always and he will show you the way. Please keep coming here, I believe God has led you here for a reason. I will keep you in my prayers.

loves
danty

by **kricky517** » Tue Apr 24, 2012 9:26 am

If I went to a woman's shelter, he would have my daughter taken away. I just need to wait.
This is not how I thought my life would end up. I am quickly running out of unemployment. her dad has been out of work since december cause he hurt himself during his annual military training so I am the only one bringing money in. we live with his mom so we never go without.
he keeps pushing me to get a job, but i cannot find one that will be worthwhile. i wont even bring in enough money to pay for childcare. and he sure isnt gonna take care of her while i would be working. he has never spent much time taking care of her. i worked for a little while when she was a few months old, but that is when they are easy to take care of. i also do not drive because i have anxiety and panic attacks and that is my major phobia. so there is another issue. i would need a ride to and from work. if somehow i got through the attacks and got my license, then i would have to add in paying for car insurance.
i just feel so useless. part of me knows that i work hard... i have a full time job 24/7, but then i hear him telling me that i need to get a job, that i need to do something, to stop being so lazy, that my daughter is counting on me... that is when i feel useless.
i know plenty of stay at home moms, but there is one difference. the men in their lives are real men that understand that taking care of a child is a job and he takes care of his family.

by **kricky517** » Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:34 am

Wow, here is a conversation between Dean (Ariana's dad) and myself.
He asked how long i have not been wearing my engagement ring that he gave me. (he gave me an engagement ring on December 23, 2005)
I replied that i have not been wearing it for a long time. I told him, "you told me that you never want to marry me, so what is the point of wearing an engagement ring". He said nothing.
Crazy! I really want to get into a conversation with him bout where my head it at, but I am not so sure he is gonna listen. He picks and chooses which parts of the Bible that he believes in and throws out all the other stuff. I had always been that way too.
Yesterday, I went online in search of info about if abuse is an acceptable reason for divorce, as I have divorced due to that reason. Some said that it is not. Others said that it is. One I read explained that since abuse is a breaking of marriage vows, so it is a legitimate reason. They urge you to go to Christian counseling, which I wanted to do, but he blatantly refused. He wanted to go to a school counselor, which we did, but obviously it did not help.
Anyway, what is your opinion on this?

by **Mackenaw** » Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:58 pm

Hello Kricky

God bless you this day.

Here is a link to a Study, on this site, about Divorce: http://www.christianityoasis.com/keywor ... ivorce.htm

Prayers are rising to our Lord in the name of Jesus, on your behalf. May God's blessed and perfect will be done.

God bless and keep you.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

by **kricky517** » Sat Apr 28, 2012 7:07 am

Yes I did end up reading that Bible Study. It did make me feel better.

I am very stressed out. Yesterday Dean started in on me in regards to getting a job and getting my drivers license. I have anxiety and panic attacks. I have had them since I was 12, I am now 32. I have never been able to get up the courage to get my license. The thought of driving makes me sick to my stomach. My arms and legs turn into jello. Plus I am always with my daughter and I do not want to learn to drive with my 18 month old baby in the back seat.
I would get a job but I need one that actually makes sense. I can't have a job where all my money goes to day care, and then if i got my license, then all the money i would make would go to day care and to car insurance.
Yes I would love to stay home with my baby. But in this economy if the other person in the relationship does not make enough money, then they both have to work. I guess I have always belonged in the 50's. *laughter*

I just need to get through until I get housing, but who knows how long that will be.

Apparently, if i do not have a job by the time my daughter turns 2, his stepmom is gonna kick me out, so to protect myself and my daughter, I am gonna leave either way when she turns 22 months. I will move in with a family member and then search for help when I get to the area.

My life is just so screwed up.

by **Timothy** » Sat Apr 28, 2012 7:56 am

Hi kricky517

Welcome to christianity Oasis *Clap*

There is this song that asks, "What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"

In my time here at the Oasis I have seen a number of situations where one comes on and complains they want to leave
what they have. Often they do just to find themselves worse off. I can't help but to wonder if God was actually with them in their moment, showing them mercy, and yet not seen. Then, unknowingly, they walked away from it.

For example:
You have no job and unemployment is running out, yet in your current situation, you don't have to go without.
You currently have a place to lay your heads and protect you from the elements, inspite of current relationship.

Could God be giving you his mercy here?

What if you went out on your own, with your only source of income running out, unable to work, unable to buy food, unable to buy medicines, clothes, etc. Where will you be in a couple of months when you lose your subsidized housing
cause you can't keep your utilities on?

How about the relationship between you and your baby's daddy. After 7 years you two are still grouped together.
Could this be a committment? In the "Till Death Do Us Part" study, here on the Oasis, it suggests that just because
there is no piece of paper proclaiming marriage, doesn't mean there isn't a committed relationship.
Love is not going to be living happily ever after. Love is a committment to support and encourage and to care for one another especialy in the tuff times. What are the tuff times? When one attacks another with feelings and words.
Often one's PRIDE gets in the way of truth and forgiveness. This can be healed. *JesusSign*

It takes effort. It takes practice. It takes application. It takes committment. A committment of shareing God's love,
mercy and grace. " What people seek most is God's mercy. The best gift one can give another is forgiveness."

One of the first questions asked in this counseling program is, do you really want change in your life?
The healing proccess starts with *you*. As you continue in this program, don't just read the words,
put them into practice. You will see God's blessings unfold before your very eyes. *Clap*

When we first brought our son home from the hospital, I could do nothing right. Result= My wife did "all" the work.
Months later in counceling for depression the counseler explained, Your husband wasn't doing it wrong. He was just doing it differently. Your son belongs to your husband too. Let him care for his son. Let him do it his way. He has a right to do it. He has an obligation to do it. You have no right to keep that from him. Result= Much of her stress was released. She now has a partner in raising our son. And to this day, 13 3/4 years later, we still do it differently. *laughter*

With regards to Dean's injury, there should have been some form of benefits compensation. If not, then by now he
should quailify for some kind of disability benefit. Most always first applications are automatically, systematicaly, denied.
So one needs to lawyer up. By federal law each State must provide free advocacy service for people seeking disablility
claims. Every State of the Union has such an agency. He can seek out the one in his State and ask for help. It should be free.

One last thought. Unequally yolked relationships are difficult. But let us remember our own relationship with God.
Look at the grace He has shown us. Can we not do the same?

I pray for God's continued blessings in your life. That He shows you His will. And that, you, *recieve* that which He offers you. amen.

Your brother in Christ Jesus,
Timothy

by **kricky517** » Sat Apr 28, 2012 2:02 pm

Dean has been fighting with the military since december. It is finally beginning to get fixed. Hopefully he will begin to get paid soon.

Dean wants me to get my license and get a job. He has a list of what he wants me to be. And even when I was working full time, it wasnt good enough for him cause it was in housekeeping. I just wonder if i do all these things just to make him love me, is he just gonna come up with more stuff i need to change or do to make him love me.

I appreciate that my daughter has a place to live and has food. That is why I am still here. For her sake. I deal with abuse, constant hurt feelings, constantly feeling like I am a terrible person, and receiving no affection except from my daughter.

Dean and I try to talk and all we do is argue. I wish I could just overcome a 20 year old phobia and get an awesome paying full time job. But I am sorry to say that if I do those 2 things, I do not need him at all. Right now all I get from him is rides when i need to go places.

by **Dora** » Sat Apr 28, 2012 7:54 pm

Kricky517

During one of the times I was ready to toss in the towel and end my marriage someone suggested I dedicate 4 years to praying for the relationship and 4 years of making sure I have done all I could in the relationship to be the spouse God wanted me to be.

Four years is a long time. Even if you could give it one year, you may find yourself gaining the relationship you are longing for. One year of praying for the relationship and one year of making certain you are doing everything you can to be the partner God wants you to be.

I have found in relationships most of the time we just don't understand each other.

If you've chosen to abstain from sex after years of being together he is possibly feeling rejected. So he may lash out. He may be hurt and when we are hurt we do and say hurtful things to others.

I encourage you to remember what made you first fall in love with him.

It sounds like you are hurt and have been hurt in the past as well. It sounds like you both struggle with self esteem. Begin to help him by not pointing out what he has done wrong or is doing wrong. And give yourself the same grace by forgiving yourself for your past failures.

I hope this helps. *hug*