Christianity Oasis Forum

by **Lovingly4given** » Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:38 am

Journal Day 1,

It's good to be back at Oasis. It's been a while since I've been here and a lot has changed, but not the welcome and the love from the community. The years I've been gone have been rough ones. Ones of my own making. I chose man over God. I let myself get fooled into thinking I could do what I wanted and serve God at the same time. Eh eh, doesn't work like that I learned. Well, I already knew it. I just thought I could get away with it. I left Oasis after getting involved with a musician from another church, and I allowed myself to believe that I could have a sexual relationship with him and be okay with God. Hump. After a time I got tired of always feeling convicted when I sinned and stopped going to church, stopped praying, stopped reading my Word.

In my thinking if something had to go it was going to be God, not this man I was madly in love with. So I poured everything I had into him and did about anything to make our relationship work. I pushed my morals and conviction aside, once again, and lived completely for my flesh. I did what made me feel good not worrying about the pain I was causing my Savior.

While here at oasis and walking with God I kicked my struggle with pornography and self gratification, but as I slipped farther and farther away I found myself back in the same trap. Again I carried my secret and not even my boyfriend knew. Fast forward two and a half years and I break up with my boyfriend. I would like to say it was because I was trying to get back on track, but it wasn't. Less than a year later we picked up where we left off, again it didn't work.

Now he's not a bad guy and I'm not a bad girl we just didn't work and I honestly believe it's because we both dropped our morals and beliefs just to gratify our flesh. We took God out of the equation of our relationship so we could do what we wanted. Now we're no longer together and to show for it I have a broken heart, crushed spirit, and an even bigger struggle with pornography and self gratification than I started with.

I don't even know where to begin picking up the pieces. I would like to say I've fallen to my knees in agony over my actions and begged God for His forgiveness. I would like to say that I've cried tears of brokenness and heartache over the years I have spend re-crucifying Christ. I would like to say that I am truly contrite and hurting over the hurt I have caused God. I would like to say that the conviction in me was too much to bear. But I can't.

I feel more lost than I have ever felt in my entire life. I feel more hopeless and dejected than I ever have in my entire life. I feel like I'm so far off the beaten path that there isn't a way back. I know it's not true, but right now I can't feel it or see it. But I'm here because God is the only person I know that can turn me around. I don't know how He's gonna do it, but oh do I want it to happen.

I've never wished for conviction and brokenness as I do now. At least then I would know that He hasn't given up on me. But I'm here on this Path because I know this is the right one to be on. I know here I can start to find my way back. I know here as long I as stay on track and put as much and more of myself into this relationship as I did the other, I will feel His presence again. So here I am again back on the Path, knowing that God will meet me here.

Loving4given

by **Christnundrconstruxn** » Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:35 am

Dear sister
PLEASE know He will NEVER EVER give up on you!!
even in the darkest times of your life He is standing RIGHT BESIDE you.
I can relate to your struggles as well as your broken heart and I am truly sorry we have to endure these things but please know God loves you and me in ways we do not understand, there is no earthly love to take away His love
The flesh is weak but God's love IS strong and as long as you accept Him back into your life then there is nothing but nothing to stop that love, He does NOT expect you to be perfect He knows better.
You returned to these ways because it was what you knew and the only satisfaction you felt worthy of
this addiction is not as easy as most think to rid yourself of, BUT you came back here and now you are amoung those who wish to lift you up in His name and allow God to work in you as only He can.
I am here any time you need a understanding NONjudgemental ear, in some ways we are a lot a like.
God bless you and welcome back home to the Oasis
Cuc

by **Christnundrconstruxn** » Thu Feb 23, 2012 9:45 am

saw this on my fb page and thought of you:

Joyce Meyer Ministries:
Because God is seeking quality in our character, time is not His concern. Masterpieces take a lot of time! –Joyce

by **KrysyK** » Thu Feb 23, 2012 10:50 am

I know how it feels to feel broken but dont you ever think for a second God has given up on you & dont you give up on yourself. The fact that you are back here trying to get it right this time speaks volumes. God knows your heart and He knows your desires, in time He will heal and comfort you. Rely solely on His abilities to make you well and not your own. "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all” 2 Corinthians 4:17 May the Lord bless you and give you His peace.
Love Krys

by **Lovingly4given** » Thu Feb 23, 2012 11:21 am

You guys are such a great comfort and help to me. I can't thank you enough for your words of encouragement. My heart feels lighter today and the healing's only just begun *Pray*

by **momof3** » Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:48 pm

Hi Lovingly..and welcome back!! *hug*

I just wanna add to what our brother and sister in Jesus have already said...Sister in Him, please hear this with your heart..There is nothing you could do...have done, could ever think of doing that catches God off guard or surprises Him. He knew every step and breath you were going to take and created you in spite of this...for His glory. His love for you is and will always be totally and completely unconditional.

Im a mom...and I love my children with every breath I take. There is not one single thing any one of them could do that would change that. The difference between my love for them and His love for His children is that I dont know what my sons may do ahead of time...and Im left trying to understand some of the choices they make...and then, I have to deal with the hurt some of the choices they make causes...because I expected more..or something different. God knew every step..every mistake...before He created us...He knew the sin we would have to struggle with. He knew what weaknesses we would have...all before He created us. And still, He created us to love us...and to love Him. Sister, you are here, back at Oasis...and back to chasing after Him because you have heard Him calling you...you have felt His nudging you..and you have heard His voice....He's just been waiting for you to turn to back to Him. His love is pure, sis. Pure and unconditional.

Im so glad you have heard and listened...and like so many others here, have come back. His eye has never been off of you. And, He hasnt been sitting on His big throne shaking His head at you in disghust. He's been calling you....and sending love messages to you...knowing you would return.

God bless you, my sister in Jesus. Its time to let Him heal you...and to seek Him with all of your heart.

Im praying for you along this path..as so many others here will be.

In Jesus,
love momo *Halo*

by **Lovingly4given** » Thu Feb 23, 2012 11:53 pm

Day 2
Momo, Thank you so much for the encouragement. I know God'll never give up on me which boggles my mind. I can't even begin to understand His ways. It humbles me to know that through it all He still loves me and I feel wholly unworthy. I keep hoping that one day I can be good enough to pay God back, but I know that'll never happen. My true desire is to love God with everything that I have and it hasn't been easy. I've gone off track sooooo many times, but I always end up running back. I don't want to have to run back anymore I'm tired of straying and having to start all over again. I'm ready to be the young woman God has been calling me from birth to be. Like today's step said it starts in the mind. I have to admit my garden is over run with weeds, but I'm excited about the process. I want to stop letting God down, and I want to stop letting myself down. I know this is going to take time. If I think about how much time it could take I could get so discouraged, but I am taking it one day at a time. Each day I stay on the Path and say no to my fleshly desires is a victory in Christ. I' looking forward to more victories

by **Christnundrconstruxn** » Fri Feb 24, 2012 7:32 am

Dearest Forgiven,
I know I type your name wrong but I type it that way for a reason.....you ARE forgiven.
As for understanding His ways, it is easy it is us that makes it hard.
You see God is just like our earthly parents but 1000's of times better, when I done things wrong my mom or dad never loved me any less, and they wanted nothing but the best for me but I chose to do things and say things that hurt that and no matter how mad I got at either of my parents for thinking they knew better than me (kids ALWAYS know better than the parents) *Doh*

they still loved me with open arms and a loving heart.
now magnify that by 1000's......now you see God's love for you...unconditional true from the heart always there LOVE!!!
We are ALL unworthy of His love but that is not what matters He gives it unconditionally, as for being good enough to start giving back, sweetheart you were and ALWAYS will be good enough!! You want to show Him your love and appreciation....get up brush yourself off and tell satan to TAKE A HIKE!! and show others what God has done for you and how He makes you feel, I am a parent and I can tell you with ALL my heart there is NOTHING BUT NOTHING my kids could do to make me more proud than to show love and respect to someone else ESPECIALLY if it is someone random (in a store or park) so think of how it makes God feel to see us reaching out to others in His name.
Do not allow these "desires" to make you feel unworthy remember God KNOWS your heart and he knows the flesh IS weak the main thing to remember is GO TO HIM ask for forgiveness and move on.
We ALL have our weaknesses but through God we are made strong, don't let satan steal that by telling you that you are not worthy or good enough for God that is the farthest from the truth!!
God loved you yesterday and the day before and.....so on just like He loves you today and on into eternity His love never changes.
May God show you the truth in this and wrap His loving arms around you and let you know you ARE His!!
God bless *hug*

Cuc

by **Lovingly4given** » Fri Feb 24, 2012 4:59 pm

Day 3

CUC’s message and today's Stepping stone really blessed me today. I wasn't having a good day before I came and read today's stepping stone. Now what was happening earlier doesn't even matter anymore. My heart is so light right now. I feel the weights beginning to lift from around my heart. It's getting easier to laugh and smile without forcing myself to. I had truly forgotten whose I was. I had forgotten myself as being a child of God. I've been trying to figure out how I can win God back over to my side and love me still that I've forgotten that His grace is completely free. The concept of God's grace humbles me greatly. How could I ever think that my sins could be bigger than God and I could do something that even His grace couldn’t cover? Sounds a little arrogant. God is thousands of times bigger than anything I will ever go through or ever be faced with. God the fact that God and Jesus decided to sacrifice for me is humbling (what aspect of God won’t humble me? None I’m thinking). Today’s stepping stone and CUC’s words really hit my heart today and the floodgates opened. This time I wasn’t crying over some guy. I was crying because my God and my Savior are so amazing, and I’ve been so stuck in my own ways that I couldn’t even really repent. Oh but today, being confronted with the grace and love of God undid that. It breaks my heart to think about how much I have hurt God, but it lifts my heart to know that he forgives me and counts me as His. I am so blessed and so thankful.

by **Christnundrconstruxn** » Fri Feb 24, 2012 6:45 pm

Dearest 4given,
I want to say I am SO glad to hear these words touched you and that you recieved the blessings from you studies today
But I must tell you I will not take credit for the words I typed, yes my fingers were on the keyboard but there is NO doubt in my mind who's words these were because after I finished I looked back and thought wow I wrote that......no He gave me what to write, 4given I was teared up when I read your reply and the first thing from my mouth was thank you Lord, you see I was only His tool in reaching out to you. *Pray*

I struggle with feeling worthy to Him also but I'm learning to be more understanding that He loved me yesterday as much as He does today and will always love me in the future, yes I stumble yes my flesh is weak and yes I sin but I pray every day to my God for forgiveness and to make me stronger and for me to be the man He created me to be instead of what I have allowed satan to turn me into and you know what? I'm not worried nor do I care of what judgements earthly humans put on me because I AM Gods child and He is the ONLY one I need to please and He knows my heart. *Clap*

I am SO happy for you right now and I know in my heart He has plans for both of us!!
God bless you and have a FANTASTIC SONderful weekend *hug*

Cuc

by **KrysyK** » Sat Feb 25, 2012 10:10 am

These posts really warmed my heart, God's grace is really infinite and such peace comes every time one realizes the extent of this. May the Lord continue to bless you both and I know by the end of the path, you will feel more loved and at peace than you'v ever felt before 4given, because that's how I felt. Have great expectations as well!! I used to tell myself never have expectations, it's the only way to avoid disappointment. But as I went through those 14 days I had Great Expectations and even before the end I recieved a ton of miracles and blessings. All the best!!
Love Krysy