Christianity Oasis Forum

[cynthia]

I have been a single mother for the past 8 years after leaving an abusive marriage. It was severe abuse, but GOd has healed a lot in me over the years though there is still much work to be done. I do still struggle with anxiety and depression, though it has lessened in severity until recently.

I met a man at my church and I was very impressed with him. I thought he seemed like a very godly man. He started spending time with me and my children. His mother was always present as well which I thought was fine. I thought she was just chaperoning. He took us to the movies, came over the house to play games, help my son, with stuff, watch movies, etc, took me to luch and so on. However, he always initiated each activity through his mother. She would call me saying "scott wants to know..." but he never called me himself. If I wanted to talk to him I had to call his mother and then he would call me back. I was not allowed to have his phone number. He said it was one of his quirky things and I could have his number when the time was right. I tried to be patient with it all because I really enjoyed talking to him but it was hard. Sometimes he was confusing and seemed distant whereas other times he seemed like he really liked me. I wasn't sure of his intentions and asked him after 2 1/2 months of spending time with him. Initaiily he said he didn't have any intentions and that the Lord had told him to help me and my kids. I thought that was odd given the fact that he wasn't really helping us and I knew that God knew how I would interpret this man's behavior. In the same conversation, he changed what he said, stating he did have intentions but had some issues he needed to work through. I was still terribly confused but he was so nice, caring, funny, and easy to talk to so I continued to try to be patient. I was seeking the Lord through all of this and terribly confused about what to do. Scott continued his slightly odd pursuit and within about 3 or 4 weeks from the time we had our converstaion about his intentions, he started calling me more. In fact, he eventually began to call everyday.I loved talking to him and he really seemed to genuinely love the Lord. He would tell me that he just wanted to help and encourage me and that he wanted me to know that the Lord heard my cry. I was so blessed by it all. It has been very hard, especially since my son has severe behavioral issues and I am doing all this without help from family or their father, who is not allowed to see the kids. Scott eventaully revealed that his intention was to marry me and told me all these amazing things the Lord had shown him. I felt the Lord had shown me that Scott was the one, too but I don;t know what to think anymore. Scott would constantly tell me scripture the Lord had given him for me, things God had put on his heart to share with me, etc. He also revealed that he had been interested in me for 3 years and had just been waiting for the time to be right. The relationship was progressing nicely. Scott wanted to spend time with me, even if it meant coming to the laundromat while I did laundry. He was wonderful and seemed so compassionate towards my feelings. Occassionally he blew me off, though, and I was getting a bit frustrated, especially after he blew me off one day and didn't call. When I called him he said he'd meet up with me later and then he blew me off again. He called at 10:30 at night and wanted to come over (at this point his mom was not always present and had not been spending time with us for about 2/12 ro 3 months). I initially said no but he said, "I'm just 5 minutes away." I said, "fine, Scott," but I was frustrated because I was really tired and I had waited all day just to spend time with him. When he came he looked upset and I asked what was wrong. HHe said he was upset because he knew I was upset. I didn't know how to respond to that. He asked if I was going to tell him why I was upset and then he got mad, saying "what do you want from me? Do you want my blood?" He went into the kitchen and said, "this will solve the problem." He pulled out a butter knife and held it over his wrist and sked if that was what I wanted. I was very upset and told him he needed to leave, I took the knife from him and put it away. I sat on the couch and he sat on the floor in front of me. He said, "I hate this life. F*** this life." I told him never to swear in my house again and he said okay. Then he started to cry and said he'd now hurt me in a way that he'd never wanted to. I tried to console him. Then he said he'd make it up to me and he rubbed my feet. I fell asleep while he was doing that and he wrote a letter to me before he left, telling me how sorry he was and that he would make it up to me, etc. I was upset about what had happened and I talked to him about it the next day. It was the first argument that we'd ever had. We had another argument a couple days later for various reasons. It had been over the phone and it had been frustrating because he seemed to turn things around. It wasn't too extreme, though. I was getting a little depressed, though, because I didn't feel like I could confront things with him without him getting depressed or angry. A few weeks later he proposed to me. It was incredibly romantic, like a fairy tale. I said yes. He proposed apx. three months after telling me that his intention was to marry me. He had talked about marrying me almost everyday after he announce his intentions and expressed how he could not wait to marry me. He was telling my kids he was goign to be their father and we even talked about him possibly adopting the kids. We were so excited. After he proposed, it seeme dlike there was a bit more contention and I was feeling unsure about him from time to time, but for the most part he was still absolutely wonderful. We had a fight, however, a week after he proposed because I tired totalk to him about something he had told me and he claimed he had not said that and he kept cutting me off and telling me something else had happened and the he told me that something had happened the Saturday before and I said, "no, Scott, you proposed to me that day." He said, "i'm out of here." It was such a trange reaction. He walked out but came back a minute later and then everything was fine. There were some other odd things. Three weeks after he proposed it was my birthday. He had been building my birthday up for 2 months and though he did give me nice gifts and brought me to some nice places, I was really looking forward to quality time with him. My kids had been with us and they had been complaining about doing things that I wanted to do. It had been so stressful lately because my son had been having so many problems and I was just so excited about my birthday. We came back to my house and Scott said he was tired. I said, "let's take a nap." we both sat there with our eyes closed but I was very uncomfortable so I moved over to the other couch. He opened his eyes and I said lay down and rest, honey. He pulled out his cell phone, looked at the time, and said "I've got to go," very abruptly. I said, No just lay down and rest and he said, "i can't sleep here." his tone was agitated. I, of course, was not suggesting that spend the night but he had napped at my house before so I was confused. To hasten the story, I eventually started to cry and told him I wanted to spend time with him. He was mad and he yelled at me. He said, "I did spend time with you." I said I wanted to spend alone time with him. He yelled things like "this is getting to be out of control" and "I just spent two days with you." I was so confsued by everything and I said, "this is what you always do instead of listening and trying to care how I feel." He said, "I'm out of here." and he walked out. It was around 7 pm. I was very upset but I figured he'd cool down and call. By 10 he hadn't called so I tired to call him. I was very upset. I left messages that night and the next day, apologizing profusely for being selfish and not just letting him go home to rest. I begged him to call me. Well...21 days passed and the only reaosn I got to see or speak to him is that my pastor called him and organized a meeting. Scott informed me that he hadn't called me because he hadn't wanted to say things to me in anger. He said that things had been bothering him, they'd been building up and he hadn't been saying anything and it was affecting him physically. He said he'd been compromising his realtionship with God. He said he had issues and he said "I told you that before" (which he had but he'd also led me to believe that whatever those issues were, he had resolved them/worked through them with the Lord). He seemed to put it all on me but once I spoke and apolgized, he simply said that he had anger issues and that we couldn't talk right now because he knew his tendencies and he needed time and would contact me when he was able. He said, "i know this is hurting you but it is hurting me more." Of course, I felt bad for him even though he had tormented me emotionally for 21 days and I tried to make him feel better. I said, "you once said you believed that we were truly supposed to be friends. Is that still true?" and he said "yes." He hugged me for a long time at the end of the meeting and when I asked about the ring, he said I should pray about whether or not I should still wear it. When I told him I still thought he was the right man for me he said that maybe we just needed to mature more. He said he was having trouble resting at night and when I asked why he said, "how could I rest? All I could think about was you." I told him that when we started talking again, if things were too much for him he had to let me know because I would have never wanted that for him. He just held onto my hands and nodded. A few weeks passed and I asked his mother if it would be okay with him if I wrote him a letter. He said yes. I wrote to him and apologized for everything I could think of and tried to encourage him. I also ended up asking about the engagement ring again, this time offering it back to him. I was surprised to get an email from him in which he said basically sated that he did not want the ring back because he had done things for me and given me things to bless me. He said he wasn't angry with me; that he'd forgiven me a long ago. He said a few other nice things but then wrote that he could no longer run ahead of God because he wanted the things God wanted for him, the perfect things. Well, I was hurt by that and even more confused. I ended up asking him if we could start talking again and at what point were we running ahead of God. I thought in the meeting that he made it seem as if we at least has a chance at restoring our friendship. I asked him, if we couldn't talk, if God was truly leading him to completely shut me out of his life, for him to help me understand why. I asked a lot of specific questions, trying to make sense of all he had said the Lord had shown him and what his issues are, ect. He did not respond to me. I tried to ask again but he still would not respond. The assistant pator ended up contacting him because he was concerned about me. Scott responded to him, saying that he had told me it was too much responsibility and he couldn't make that commitemnt (he hadn't said that) and that I was just looking for excuses to further our communication. He said he had explained it over and over but the other party (that would be me) was refusing to listen. He said he wasn't going to communicate with me any longer because the only way I would heal from this was removing him from the equation. He said that he believed I did understand but was unwilling to let go. He said he wasn't coming to our church anymore because he wanted to spare me the agony of seeing or hearing him as I need to be fed the word of God and feel safe. He sadi he believed I was using whatever means necessary to push him into communicating with me but he would not longer communicate with anyone about this subject any longer, the relationship is over, and the only person he is accountable to is God. It seemed like he tried to make himself look good and make me look bad, but he didn't suceed in that. It has been so, so hurtful and degrading. He was professing, deep, deep love to me, even on the day of my birthday. Five days before my birthday he had sent me an email staing tha he loved me so much and wished that things allowed us to be married right now. Then he was gone. There was no warning. He made us so many promises and yet he'd never acknowledged any wrongdoing. He never even acknowledged that it was wrong to igone me for 21 days. It seemed to be emotionally abusive. He really was generally very kind and attentive towards me. People at church were shocked because they thought it seemed like he was really in love with me. Everyone at church had liked him. They thought he was such a nice guy.. I don't think anyone really knew him very well, though. I think I knew him best but I feel like I didn't know him very well at all. I have been so confused and depressed. I am pretty sure there was some manipulation in the realtionship but it is hard to say for sure. I know it probably would have been abusive relationship but I feel so messed up. He made it seem like I must have done so much wrong to him and I feel so guilty about that. I have been wrestling with all this condemnation also feel angry that he did this. Evene if he really felt he could not continue with the realtionship; that he'd made a mistake about the Lord's leading - he could have ended this is a loving fashion. He could have sat me down and talked to me but instead he punished me and disposed of me. I am so confused about him. I have been saved for 11 years and we have had many difficult trials, but I have nevere struggled with my faith like I am struggling now. I am not in a good place at all. Does it seem the realtionship was or would have been abusive? I think it does, but I am so confused. His mother hads tried to say that the Lord told him Scott to pull back and pray and that is why he ignored me for 21 days. I know the Lord's ways are not our ways, but I cannot imagine that He would lead Scott to do something in such a hurtful way.

[1st Timothy 4:12]

First of all, you did not deserve that. i am sure Satan led him to do that. IF he was sent by God, he would not have done that. I want you to pray and come to me if you need anything. Jesus is here for you and so am I.
As for depression, prayer is super powerful. PM me for more help... ok?
Love you!
Kaylee

[KelseyLong]

I will pray for you, I know I came to this a bit late and I hope it got better.