Christianity Oasis Forum

[wisdomneeded]

I am so very thankful to have found this site to journal my feelings. This has been a horrible time. I do not know where to begin. So I will begin at the end. My 18 year old daughter made some very unwise choices. She has damaged her reputation in a community that loved and respected her and she has given her enemies ammunition to use against her.

I absolutely hate her for all of this.Yep I am a Christian and know I should not feel like this....which is why I am journaling and trying to work through my feelings. I have forgiven her over and over with restoration and each time a new piece of what happened over the summer comes to light and I feel like i have to begin the process all over again. I have heard it all - we are all sinners, what she has done is not as bad as most, God forgives her why cant you. I guess I struggle because it was all so unnecessary.

The kids that are mocking her and gossiping I want God to stop them. I am supposed to pray that they are blessed instead I pray that God deals with them.

My daughter moves in 3 weeks - i can't wait and i hope she never returns. We had the best relationship and her lies and choices killed it.

[Dora]

When reading what you wrote this stuck out to me....

The kids that are mocking her and gossiping I want God to stop them.

If you hated her you wouldn't care if they are mocking her.

Perhaps it's her choices she has made or is making that you hate, not her. The little girl you raised and cherished and gave your life us for.

Perhaps it's the hurt you hate. Perhaps it's the distance between the two of you that you hate. Perhaps it's the ruined relationship that you hate.

You don't really hate the person. The spirit that resides with in her that Christ died for. Perhaps.

We should hate sin. We should hate pain. We should hate seeing people make bad decisions. Just as you are.

You daughter has the same enemy you have.....

1 Peter 5:8
Be self–controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Eph 6:12
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

He's trying to devour you both.

Praying.

[wisdomneeded]

Since I am not sure if this will work - thank you Pine.....your insight blessed me so much. Particularly -

You daughter has the same enemy you have.....

1 Peter 5:8
Be self–controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.


I believe every single point you made is spot on. I appreciate you taking the time to post. Blessings to you!

[dema]

I am amazed at Pine's wisdom.

I found it easier to always believe in God's love, because I could always believe in the love of my parents. Yes, I embarrassed them in my youth. It seems to be a common event.

But they always loved me. There was fury - but there was always love. And I grew up. And your daughter will grow up. My daughters grew up - not without embarrassment there either. And one of them has already been shocked by her daughter's behavior - and had to talk to other people about it.

These things are short-lived. But your child is your child for life. The emotions you feel now are more intense - louder if you will - than the long-lived emotions you feel for the child you rocked and fed.

You might try getting out pictures of her little self. I imagine it will make loving her now easier.

And remember - she will need you when she is a mature person herself. We always need our mommies - except in our teens when we know everything.

[mlg]

Hi wisdomneeded,

I feel such anger in your shared words...about your daughter, and all the pain she has caused you...and then I think of Jesus...and how often we cause Him pain and hurt...but yet He stays...and never leaves us...never forsakes us...loves us despite our mistakes...and helps us get up and carry on...just as we are His children...I wonder if he were to say to us...you've messed up now away with you and never come back...how would we feel?

I'm sorry your daughter has hurt you and others...but we should hate the sin and not the sinner....we have to remember that Satan preys on our children...and he looks to hurt God through our children....and it sounds like he's doing as much as possible in your life and your daughter's life to succeed in doing that. See God blesses us with children, for us to lead and guide because He knows we are the ones who will be there for them, despite their choices....otherwise He wouldn't entrust us with them. We never want to disappoint God, by not being there for our children as He is for His...me and you and all others He has created are His children....and every time we sin...He picks us up...I pray you will be there for your daughter to do the same.

Another thought, sin is sin...no matter what type of sin it is...God does not weigh sin on a scale...either it is a sin or it is not...you holding on to unforgiveness towards your daughter, is as bad a sin as what your daughter did...because all sin in God's eyes is equal.

My prayers are with you.

God's will be done.

Take care and God Bless

[dema]

It may be that your world view has just been shaken horribly. That you told yourself over and over that these things only happen to other people. I know I said that I might murder a husband, but I would never get a divorce. But, I am almost done with divorce #2. 14 years on round one, 18 on round 2. I should have gotten out of an abusive relationship years ago - but, well, there is that world view. (And he didn't hit me.) Anyway, it may be that you just can't accept yourself as the mother of this child. And that you are saying things like, "What did I do to deserve this?" And, "What did I do wrong!"

Well, God is strong when we are weak. And having a World view with "I will never" ... and other such things in it isn't fully trusting God. I asked my husband once, "Is there anything I have declared I wouldn't do that I haven't had to do?" And he said, "Nothing left that isn't horribly immoral, so I think you are safe now."

I try not to say anything to challenge God anymore.

[realtmg]

Hi,
Do not look nor judge her as to what she has done or doing. Look beyond and realize it is the sin within. Pray for her as God will answer in His timing. If we can't find forgiveness with others; God says He will not forgive us. LOVE is the answer as you might be led to read 1 Cor. 13. You can overcome this with God's help. Give it time.
Thanks for sharing!


Luv ya,

Real

[wisdomneeded]

Day 2...thank you to all who responded and are praying for my daughter and I. I so know that the Battlefield is the Mind. But even my dreams at night torment me and I have no control over that. Things with my daughter go good for a day or two then something comes up that reminds me of this summer and the choices she made and I get hurt and angry all over again. I must try harder to push those thoughts away it is truly the only way to sanity....it does not make any sense to keep rehashing what she did. Nothing will change what happened...and if I do not change what goes into my mind I will damage our relationship forever and i TRULY DO NOT WANT THAT.

[mlg]

wisdomneeded, you have to let go and let God.

Right now it sounds like you are dwelling on the "summer" pasts that your daughter has done...and therefore you are living in the past. That is not where Jesus resides...He resides in the here and now...the present...let go of the past...put it behind you and move forward into the new grace that God offers you daily....

Satan has a hold on your mind at this time, and Jesus wants to break you free from it. I encourage you to continue to walk through these steps...there is one step called Renewing the Mind which you will reach over the next few days...please take extra time when you get to this step, and really work on freeing your mind from the battle that rages within.

Prayers continue for both you and your daughter.

Take care

[Dora]

Hello sister. Consider when the memories first pop into your mind to begin saying, "I forgive my daughter in Jesus name." Even if you don't feel it, say it. Every time you think about it. Also thank God that he's forgiven all the sins. Forgiving isn't a feeling, it's an action. A choice. You have the desire to forgive. Which makes me smile. You just gotta figure out the how. Sometimes we need Him to help us. Ask for that too. Ask for Him to help you forgive. Then say I choose to forgive. Say it over and over a million times a day if need be.

It may help to get to the root as to why it makes you so angry. Ask God why her sin makes you so angry. And what to do about it. I'd love to hear what He says to you.

God bless and keep you.

[wisdomneeded]

Day 3 - Once again thank you all who post on my journal wall. I am making all attempts to do what you have suggested - pushing the summer memories away and saying "I forgive my daughter in Jesus name".

Both of those things are helping me not to remain in anger towards my daughter. so I thank you again for your prayers and thoughts. I am reading and listening to music about forgiving others. The entire situation centers around an 18/ 19 year old boy who my daughter dated she was 17 at the time.

The boy lied and manipulated her. At the beginning of knowing him she tried to find things out about him to determine if she anted to date him. So she asked him about his past sexual history. As I said before I home schooled three daughters through high school she is the baby. Purity has been a big issue taught in our home. She wanted to get to know his character before she began to date him. He told her that at age 14 a 16 year old girl wanted to have sex with him - he did but decided that it was wrong and that he wanted to wait until marriage. OKKKKK so my daughter always understanding and forgiving said she would date him.

Shortly after he began pressuring her sexually. She did not share this with me until after they broke up. For 6 months they would argue and make up. Now I find out that he would cross her purity boundary she would feel bad that would cause the arguing...over and over. SHE IS STILL A VIRGIN....but her purity has been compromised. He told her "I want to grow old with you....an engagement ring is on its way".

One minute he would cry hysterically if she wanted to take a break from seeing him the next he would fly into a rage if she stopped to talk to a boss at work and it took longer than he thought necessary. His father was almost non-existant and his mother still insisted he be home in bed by 10pm on Christmas Eve for his Santa presents. When my daughter heard that she laughed out loud and he gave her the finger.

Right before Valentines day a young man popped up on facebook to talk to my daughter. He told her that he used to be her boyfriends best friend of two years and that he was also a youth pastor. He went onto explain that her boyfriend had basically lied about many many things. The boyfriend did not have sex one time - he had sex many times with this girl. He also took the virginity of another girl the following year. By senior year in high school he had a girlfriend that he cheated on many times. This youth pastor said that he was a narcissist and she should stay away from him.

My daughter contacted her boyfriend and asked him once again how many times he had sexual relations AGAIN HE LIED-ONE TIME HE SAID. She met with him and he cried and carried on she forgave him.......All the time she was dating he was pretending to be a Christian. She bought him a Bible, a couples study guide, books on purity, she would bring him to church and even had the pastor pray over him. All the while he pretended he was trying to convince her to give him what he wanted SEX.

By Valentines day her dad and I told her not to see him for awhile put some space between them. By this time she was "addicted" to the relationship and she actually snuck him through her bedroom window to see him. THIS WAS COMPLETELY OUR OF CHARACTER FOR HER. Her dad and I could not even punish her because she was definately going through some emotionally charged garbage. Two days later the boy said f...you and stopped seeing her.

She was destroyed she could not understand how if she could forgive him of EVERYTHING HE COULD WALK AWAY. I got her into counseling. I researched NPD - narcissistic personality disorders because I knew this was not a normal breakup. I went to counseling. I would do anything I could to help her through this time.

I told her to NEVER EVER EVER text, face book, call or answer a call from him. In order to heal NO CONTACT was necessary. Welllllll he called her at the end of May (I did not find this out until August - until after many many things occurred). In that call he apologized, said he was still praying, wanted her back, never loved anyone like her......he also asked who the real "name" was because sometimes she would be so happy and other times so argumentative. She told him she felt so sick and sad when they had done things physically in the relationship that she would be angry and lash out at him about it. She talked to him all night. The next day she suggested if they were to resume a friendship he would need to come and talk to me and her dad. He did not think that was such a good idea.

During this time frame every mutual friend they had while they were dating took his side. They told her it was not a big deal that he had lied to her about all of his sexual relations before they dated. ( If he had told her the truth - in the beginning - she would not have dated him.)

TWO DAYS LATER-TWO DAYS LATER- he had sex with a mutual friend. Mind you I did not know about the phone call at this time. She found out about the sex he had with this other girl only two days after the phone call - MAJOR TRIGGER.

Three weeks later she disobeyed and went out with two 15 year old boys she was 17 one week from turning 18. They suggested silly stringing the Xboyfriends car. She had the silly string and the washable car paint and drove them to his car. She sat in the car while the two boys vandalized his car....they wrote vulgar slurs on it. He came running out saw her car pull away - called his mom - she called the police. My daughter lied through many parts of this night when she came home. It took hours to get the truth and I am still finding out bits and pieces which keeps me tied to this awful summer.

My daughter was not charged with anything (thank God) - her dad and her went to every person involved and she had to apologize in person for her part in this. All of these kids that were so mean to her all summer including the X BF were contacted. She handed them her reputation on a silver platter for them to destroy. She was asked not to help with a children's event because she is a bad role model.....Bad role model it doesn't matter that he lied about sex and manipulated her....he is the role model.....? Her good name in the community is gone. I am embarressed and hurt by her choices but I am working through this.

This is my anger I pray psalm 37 and psalm 35. As far as I am concerned this young man used Jesus as a lure to have sex with my daughter. I know I am supposed to pray blessings on enemies....but this is my struggle. If my daughter had obeyed and not answered the phone call from him - even if she had found out about the sex with her friend it would never have triggered her as bad as him lying and manipulating her once again. And him...I want justice. I know that as a Christian that is not supposed to be where I am at. But the truth will set me free...this is my truth at this moment.

[mlg]

Yes the Truth shall set you free hun. Big to you. Now I want to tell you a bit of a story. I don't have time to write it all out, but there is a book called "Terror By Night" written by Terry Caffey. I have a copy, and wish I could loan it to you, but if you can find it either online or in a book store, please order a copy and read it. I think you will be thankful for catching the issues with your daughter quickly if you could. See this story is about a Christian family...like yours...who rasied their 3 children with a lot of love too...but their teen daughter also ran into someone who was filled with the enemy's mission to destroy....and he did just that. See he convinced the teen daughter to kill her entire family...everyone died but her dad he was shot 5 times and survived...now this dad is without his entire family....all our dead...and his daughter is in prison for the rest of her life for murder. But amazingly...through it all...the dad has forgiven his daughter...and loves her...and goes to the prison to visit her often....and has now written this book about his struggles to forgive and the fight for him to get his own life back....his blame towards God...and his realization that it wasn't God...it was Satan he was walking to and fro looking to devour...I really encourage you to get this book.

I want you to know wisdomneeded, our children are so vulnerable to Satan...and he will do everything he can to hurt our children...because he knows it is how he can hurt God. Your daughter made a mistake....but we all know how hard it is to fight against the temptations of evil...it's like a lure being held out...that's why it is up to us as parents to forgive our children...and continue to guide them in the good ways of the Lord....don't turn your daughter out now...because if you do, you might just help turn her away from God...sounds like she needs your Godly influence now more than ever. Keep fighting for that child's soul hun...you won't regret it...forgive her, love her....and be there when she needs you...that's what Jesus wants you to do. You can get through this. Remember this...what others say about your family...whether it be you, your husband or your children...does not define who they are...only their relationship with God defines who they are...that is what she truly needs...to get her relationship with God stronger. So that the next time Satan comes a knocking...she can let Jesus answer the door.

Prayers continue.

God Bless