Christianity Oasis Forum

[deafeningsilence]

Today was quite frankly weird. All I could think about was getting off work and taking a look at Step Two. I thought many times of deleting my Day One Journal... why you may ask? Because I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I did it. I'm not one who usually talks about my problems. My entire life I've just kept everything to myself. Like a deep dark secret. But I heard someone say today that "you're only as sick as your secrets".... and I thought boy I'm pretty dang sick. Most people that think they know me today, think I"m some christian kid trying to make something of myself even though the rest of my family is dysfunctional. They have no idea how dysfunctional I've become. I say that only to say how I've kept my secrets completely secretive... I know it sounds repititive but it's just the truth.

Anyway I've been thinking more about God today. You know as a kid I had this image of a god that wanted to strike me down and hated me. He only loved my 'father' and would love me only if I did exactly what he wanted me to do. Today something came to me... this is going to sound elementary I know but I've never really thought this.... God loved me enough to make me even with all my faults. He loved me enough to lead me here. He loved me enough to provide a way out of my misery.

Dude, God loves me (I'm 67% sure of it). I still have my doubts. I'm just coming out of the fog you know... for the first day in many years I haven't had a drink. I've been waiting to have withdrawal symptoms or something you know... Everytime I've tried to quit drinking before has been hell. But for some reason I just feel fuzzy headed, not really like I'm withdrawing... It scares me to think that it might just all of a sudden hit me and I'll either drink again or go through the worst withdrawal I ever have. So that's the main thing of today.

I'm excited to see where this journey could lead me... but I'm also scared to death. I don't know where to go from here. It's like I'm taking every 'crutch' I've had so far in life and weeding them out. I've actually felt emotions today. I know that sounds weird, but for years the only emotion or faint idea of emotion I had was anger because I had to wait to have a drink because of work or class you know. I've never felt anything other than anger as long as I can remember. Now I can't say I've felt happy or joyous today.... It's been more like an overwhelming sadness for something I've lost but I can't figure out exactly what I've lost over time... I've felt humbled by the fact that God might actually still care about me and I've felt ashamed for just blurting out most of my story on the day one journal.

All I can say is that I feel excited and a little like I'm going crazy all at the same time.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

I remember that same feeling of antisipation when I started the steps.....awesome ain't it.
you say you thought of deleting your first day journal many times...you know who that was right, satan he knows you are seeking Gods people to help you come closer to God, here's a not so secret secret..........he don't like that..
satan knows you are going to find out all of the thoughts you are having are his and not your own, you know the ones, "God doesn't love me", "I can't survive without alcohol", and "I'm dysfunctional" these are ALL satan pulling you down
The exciting part is you are here and you are seeing now that God DOES love you (110%) not the 67% satan is trying to cheat you into believing
The first day without a drink THAT IS AWESOME, just remember take 1 second at a time then 1 minute at a time, 1 hour, 1 day, these will soon turn into years YOU CAN DO THIS, you'll see something later in the steps about if you stumble, JUST REMEMBER get back up brush yourself off and continue on, don't think of how many days or years lost but how many you gain being freed from it, my gosh if I thought about how many years I wasted doing the silly things I would stay down, but I try to focus on the years I have been blessed by Him to be free of satans tools of destruction
And remember that's satan trying to make you feel ashamed and wanting to hide everything, he knows once you get it out and see others are not ashamed of you but loving you as God wants it will make him to weak to control your thoughts any more....heres another secret.....satan don't like that either
You are doing great, keep going and don't give up
God loves you and so do WE!!

Cuc

[Dora]

That was so beautiful! It made me smile so big!!

I'm glad you didn't delete day one.

God is doing a beautiful work with in you and as you share your goods and bads we get to see the amazing transformation! Thank you for sharing and blessing us in this way!

God does love you. I am so glad you are grasping this cause it feels so good to grasp that His love is true and His love is for you.

You're going to be alright sister. He's got you. And He is gentle.

Your story is amazing. Just beautifully amazing. God is amazing!

[Lani]

My dear healing sis,


Shame is but a tool of ol cruddy... if he can get it snuck in there to take root well it becomes another weed to pull later... booooooooooooo cruddy! kick him to the curb sis. Let there be NO shame to carry. Rejoice in the fact that you did share... that is a HUGE step! And... dare I say, Part of the reason ya may have a lil less anger today. One step at a time... no worries!


Joy will come in the steps ahead with the Love of our Lord to carry you. 2 down, 12 to go!!! It is an honor to walk with ya


God Loves You, hears your hurt sis and He truly wants you to have healing and peace... need proof?

to Welcome to HIS Oasis Family!



Prayers remain with you in each step of this walk.

Whooo hoooo! Step 2


Peace n Luv in Christ,
Lani

[sbennett]

WOW to not drink and to realize you do need God and He is there!!!! I love that!!! Just think that after just a few days you are stronger. Thats a GOD thing...HE is working in you because HE loves you and wants you to HIMSELF. He does not want you to hurt and to be stuck in miserable sin.

I am praying for you each day...many others are too. Its what Christians who love each other do.!!!!

[vahn]

Hello silence my old friend .... ok ok , wrong page for Paul Simon ...

Hey sis ... welcome home

They have no idea how dysfunctional I've become.

Dont feel bad , I come from a dysfunctional "home" as well .... I lived by myself !!!

yes , the more we hold on the heavier things get and eventually we will colapse under the weight .

you're on the right track kiddo ... keep up the good work .... one day at a time .... and remember this .. NO one had died from alcohol definciency

Luv ya
In Christ , our God
vahn