Christianity Oasis Forum

[Onyx24]

Today was an exceptionally busy day since I only worked 1/2 of it but it was fulfilling and left no time for doubts, fears or insecurities to surface. When I left I realized I hadn't completed step 7 or my journal and so I'm doing it now. I don't want to miss a day because I don't want to lose focus or start over I'm realizing how much words can hurt and actually cause people to do the actions that they do. I enjoying the new me that's re-emerging. When I get back the first thing I would like to do for myself is get my hair cut. I know my husband doesn't like short hair but I have to stop living as an extension of him and that is the first real separation step. I want it so I will do it. He either like it or not but he'll live. I have established a new goal for my retirement which is get my Masters in Business Management while I'm still receiving full pay and benefits from the Army. Again the separation step. I cannot be the mom or wife I know God wants me to be when I live for everyone else except for Him and myself. Jesus is my rock, the one I can turn to when no one else cares to listen. I must remember to put Him first and all things will work to my advantage (even if I don't see it yet).
My husband is a little guarded now in our phone conversations but I'm ok with that at least he not overtly mad and evidently my words affected him because he took time off to go see his Mom for 3 days which is huge because he will never close the car lot to go visit her and never stay more than 14 hours So if nothing else, he's thinking. He still hasn't told me what he wants to do about our marriage but no stress, it will work according to God's master plan. Right now I'm happy and at peace with MYSELF without Zoloft Good night my friends and be happy and blessed in the Lord.

[Lani]

Beautifully stated sis

Thank you Lord for Peace! Blessed rest and renewal to ya this day!

Halfway!!! See you for Step 8

Peace n Luv in Christ,
Lani

[Onyx24]

This is how I feel today. I still have my peace and serenity although I thought I was going to lose it at work. I held on tight. I cannot change the individuals that I work with. I know we will not always get along and appreciate the differences that we have so I must be content in my own bubble. Retirement is so approaching. I'm a lot of tired today. The meds they gave me to help me sleep in fact keeps me up longer so most of the night I spend telling my Father how much I love and appreciate what He's done in my life. Tonight I will focus on my term paper if I can't sleep at least I should be productive versus listening to the night sounds of Afghanistan.
Lots of big hugs to my support network here. I am halfway through the forgiveness program and have learned so much and how to actually apply it in my life. I understand the layman terms which makes it easier to complete each stepping stone. I have a lot of weeds to pull but the ones that have been removed, I can see and feel the difference. I have recommended this site to a friend and hopefully she'll take me up on the offer. I love you all and good night.

[Dora]

Good night sis. Blessed rest.

[Onyx24]

Last night I slept better off my meds than on them and that's what they are for. I woke feeling better physically than I had the previous couple of days. When I came back from the gym today there was a picture in the office that we were all suppose to sign for the Colonel that leaving. In the 11 months that I have known him he has failed to ask about me or my family. He doesn't even talk to me, he sends messengers. He will not taken any advise I give under consideration unless someone else makes the same suggestion. So today when I seen it, I refused to sign it but as I put in my headphones and started listening to Kirk Franklin the Lord spoke and asked why. I had plenty of reasons why I wouldn't do. So He asked, how can I go to church every Sunday and sing His praises but fail to show love to someone who only shows contempt towards me? I signed my name to the picture and after I did it others in the office signed theirs too so I guess they were waiting to see if I would and since I did they did as well. Talk about others always observing
I talked to my husband off and on throughout my day his night because he couldn't sleep. His tone is still one of apprehension. He doesn't understand how I can be so unhappy yet smile. Hopefully, he's trying to process what I said and understand my feelings. I love him and pray for him daily. I thank God for this forum. I have peace here. I love you all too!

[Dora]

Good to hear you got some sleep.

I love that your husband is showing apprehension. I think it means he is processing things and will one day believe the change he sees in you.

God loves you sis and so do i.

[Onyx24]

Woke up this morning to a rocket attack but the positive thing is I woke up

I have been praying for a particular leader since December and since he returned off of leave 3 weeks ago, it's like a whole new person. He actually speaks to you as if you were human now and he's more pleasant to be around. I don't immediately turn around when I see him now. Prayer definitely changes things.

I know my husband doesn't really want to talk to me although he'll listen and answer any noncommittal questions. He doesn't call and text like he use to and that's ok. I'll give him the space he wants / needs and just keep praying.

I'm getting more excited to be leaving Afghanistan next month to go back to New York for a little while before returning to my family. My son (age 6) is working on his jokes for me. I like them because he's actually trying to make me laugh. I miss him and my daughter alot but I talk to them on a regular basis. I try not to think about them too much because it can be depressing.

I'm glad today is over with. One day closer to home and retirement. Good night family and God bless you.

[Diane]

Hi Onyx,
I love reading your posts. I am blessed by seeing your commitment and growth. I am so glad you are here. I love you and pray for you and look forward to you leaving Afghanistan so we can hear about your safe return and your reunion with your husband and kids. What a sweet son that he is learning jokes to tell you. I remember when my boys were at that stage and would tell me the classic knock knock jokes. Does your son ask you why did the chicken cross the road?
You are a strong Godly woman Onyx. God has great plans for you!
Love
Diane

[Onyx24]

Greetings of the day Saints,

This morning started out rocky but turned into a glorious evening. When I got to work, my spirit was upset but I didn't know why then I started going through my emails and one in particular really rattled my cage. I take pride in my work and in building relationships with people so when it is in danger of being destroyed I take offense. I always brief my boss on what I'm doing and what information I find out to help support the battle but lately he's listening with half an ear. My closest information allies were so upset with me because of erroneous information sent to the units in my name. Of course when you scroll to the bottom of the email it originated with my boss. Everything that I brief him on was totally taken out of context and battle field commanders were upset and pushing for action. My other supervisors were pushing based on the information he relayed. Of course I had to do damage control but it upset me that he did not heed what I said and it blew up to that magnitude. I felt like crying I was so upset and then a mentor told me don't let this bother me the only thing I should concentrate on is my retirement and the end of this game. I took a moment with my Lord and Savior and listened to some music before I went back inside and I felt my peace beginning to return.

I went to Joy Night Service and it was awesome. One of my gifts was revealed tonight: I am to be an interceder for the Lord. Imagine that! Me praying on the behalf of others. WOW is all I can say and THANK YOU JESUS FOR SEEING FIT TO USE ME IN YOUR KINGDOM

Also called my husband tonight. He's in NC to go to his daughters high school graduation. He was resting since he got up kinda early to go. Again he stated he hadn't been sleeping well and was hopeful he could rest before the ceremony. I asked why he couldn't sleep and he told me because he doesn't understand why his wife has asked him did he want a divorce 3 times this year. He asked was there someone else I wanted to be with. I was honest and told him I felt like he wanted to be with someone else so I was giving him the opportunity to state it and move on. I also told him there is no other man for me, I don't have time for other relationships because I'm committed to him. He liked the answer so hopefully he'll rest better. I have been resting better since I turned it over to Jesus. I have asked the Lord to open both of our hearts to be receptive of Him and if it is His will to guide and direct this marriage on the path that He intends it to be. I have peace as I go to bed tonight. THANK YOU JESUS!

[Dora]

I have asked the Lord to open both of our hearts to be receptive of Him and if it is His will to guide and direct this marriage on the path that He intends it to be.

Praying in agreement with you sister.

I have peace as I go to bed tonight. THANK YOU JESUS!

So thank full you have peace.

[Onyx24]

Greetings Journal

Today I was off, YEA. I still got up early to go do laundry then I had a nice simple lunch before I came back to the room to pack my stuff to ship home on Monday I have really been busy so there was no time for deep thoughts and insecurities to surface. I did discover that I might be a closet hoarder
I talked and seen my husband on Skype tonight which was great. The graduation was good and he presented her with a Jeep Liberty for the both of us. I wish I could have been there.
Getting ready for bed now...I should have no trouble falling straight to sleep tonight.
I'm almost done with my stepping stones. I would like to do the Virtuous Woman next. This is an awesome tool to learn and grow in the Lord and I can't wait to share it with my friends when I get back home.

Good night all and have a blessed day!

[Onyx24]

I have finally completed all 14 steps of the forgiveness program and I must say I certainly feel different than I did 14 days ago. I have peace and tranquility in the most unlikely place, the internet forum. It is because of the site that I was able to put life in some much needed perspective as well as start to deal with my inner demons. I'm learning that I can't control others actions, only my reaction. Each day is a struggle to remain Christian-like in my dealings with my co-workers but I'm making it day by day. I find that I'm not asking for forgiveness EVERY night now but sometimes I do still let off some steam
I do love my husband and 14 days ago I wasn't sure where we were going but today I know exactly where we are, how we got here and how we are going to continue to go. His fathers day gift came early and of course he opened it. It was an engraved Bible and cover. He asked why I chose that gift and my answer was simple. "I have given you everything you have ever asked of me and the only thing left to give was the Word of God" He accepted that answer and actually like his gift A couple of months ago we discussed him going to church with me once a month hopefully was i return to the states, he'll hold up his end and go but if not I won't pressure him, I'll pray for him instead. I may not be writing in this journal everyday now but I will make notes every now and then especially when things are tough because I can be me here. No condemnation or fear. Thank you Lord for your blessed servants and your gift of love. Good night everyone