Christianity Oasis Forum

[debg71]

Today I woke up at 5:30 (usual) and read my Bible, spent time with the Lord. I HAVE to start my day out this way. He is the light. I realize that I am two: spirit and flesh. My spirit is content, but my flesh, well that is an entirely different story. I pray for the Lord to help me crucify my flesh! Someone who reads this, please be in agreement with me please please - He will have to help me because I can't control my eating habits. I cannot do this alone. On a normal day, I will overeat, possibly throw it all up, maybe not. But yesterday I quit my job. I felt led to do it, prayed for peace if it was the right thing to do, and went forward with it. I stepped out in faith. Then I "celebrated" by purchasing a dozen donuts!!! What was I thinking?!?!?! Today, I'm having trouble remembering what I've eaten, it's so many things. I've tried to throw it up and IT WON'T!! This is the first time that has happened to me. If I can't throw it up, it will stay and I will gain weight. Unless God helps me, food is going to kill me. I am His servant. Please agree with me on this - the Lord is working in me right now to stop this thing from taking me.

I was singing, praising, keeping my mind on higher things, but when I'm tempted with food, it's as if I cannot control it, it just happens - it's out-of-body. Like a horrible accident. This is not of the Lord.

[debg71]

I got the scoop on why I felt so horrible yesterday.

My Dad is in the hospital and my Mom stays with him. So, of course, I'm suppose to be taking care of the house stuff for the next few weeks. As I went about my day yesterday, I got a word in my heart to dump the trash out of my Dad's truck. It's a VERY old pickup, rusted, barely runs and we use it to chunk bags of garbage into, until it's full, then go to the local recycling center. More than once, I felt that I should go dump that truck, but I didn't. "What's the need in that? Plus it's a nasty, gross job!" So I didn't. Across the street, there's an empty rental house. It's tiny and people move in/out constanty so it was no suprise to see a lady and sometimes a younger man (likely her son) helping with the moving of items over there. However, all day yesterday, I noticed she was sitting out in the yard in a lawn chair, all household items IN THE YARD with her. Like she was keeping watch for something. I had to run over to Dollar General to get hamburger buns for dinner and I saw her walking down the side of the road. She looked tired. I pulled up to her (on our trusty golf cart) and asked if I could give her a quick ride somewhere. She told me her story. She had made a deal with the owner of the little house, but when she got there, she had some kind of dispute over rent with him. She wanted to move into a different place, and she wanted her first month's rent back that she had already given him. This happened day before yesterday, and he said he would bring it back to her the next day, but if she stayed in the house that night she was considered a renter. I'm not sure of the laws on this, but he obvioulsy was trying to do something underhanded and she was a lonely older woman. He left her there all night and she slept in her car to keep from being considered a "Renter", so she could get her money back. He finally came by yesterday, and said that if she had all of her things out of the house, she could get a refund. She moved everything she owned (it isn't much) into the yard and he still kept $45 of her money, just because he's like that. God will deal with this man. However, she didn't own a truck and the folks who got her there could not come back for her. She was walking to the local Uhaul place to rent a truck so she could get to her new place before the rain started. Everything she owned was in the yard and the storms were on the way. I took her up to the Uhaul place and of course, they had nothing to rent. So I took her back to her yard with all her stuff sitting there, little tv, single mattress, etc, getting wet and told her I would try to think of something - our truck was loaded with garbage!!!!! I asked God to help that lady: "Lord, please send SOMEONE to help her get her things out of the rain!" He placed it in my heart "I sent you". It all came back to me. The times he told me during the morning, before the rain, to go dump the truck. I didn't listen and now, not only do I have to deal with the horror or not hearkening to the Word of the Lord, but I have to see this woman's stuff out of my window, wet and ruined, across the street. The Lord was telling me to do something and I couldn't understand why at the time. He's teaching me to be obedient and if it must be through a broken heart, then so be it. I have learned my lesson and I'm sharing it so that someone who reads this will see something that I didn't. Learn from the mistakes of others because this is no fun at all. I called that home-owner who kept that woman's money a "friend" and I blamed this on him. It's my fault. God could have used me to do something wonderful, helpful, to make that woman's problem go away . . . but I didn't listen.

This is why I was binge eating yesterday and couldn't throw up the guilt.

[Dora]

Awwww sweetie

Thank you for sharing that.

I have learned hard lessons to. What matters is that you did learn and are going to remember this and be even more eager next time He calls on you.

His yoke is easy. Not a burden. Forgive and wrap up in His Holy spirit that comforts. God loves you and so do I.

[debg71]

Step 11, and Step One in Spirit of Truth Program. The Holy Spirit - This is yet another area where I needed help. I didn't understand as much about Jesus and the Holy Spirit as I should, and now I'm starting to "get it". I haven't been giving Him his proper due. He is the One guiding me and speaking to me and I should have been paying Him alot more attention all along. Thank you, Father for the help and guidance I am receiving. Bless the workers who, through Him, provide!

Note regarding my "neighbor" experience: Even though it was a tough lesson, and it will stay with me for the rest of my life, I didn't feel overwhelmed or crushed. The Lord showed me, then I said I was sorry for not listening, and the burden was gone. You are so right - His burden is not heavy. I got to help that woman the next day. She put her things in storage (and some under our carport) and hopefully, I will get to see her again soon.

My eating habits are starting to improve. I stop my footsteps and listen to His voice and most times, when I'm heading toward the kitchen, He gives me strength to turn around. Other times, I can eat half of some treat and I don't want the rest. This has been my "normal" for the past few days. The urge to fill myself to the point of sickness is gone = the urge to throw up is gone. I know this is a turning point for my life. Praise God!!!

[debg71]

Step 12: Falling Down. I do that one really well!

I had a wonderful chat with the Holy Spirit this morning. I asked Him to be a part of my life, each and every moment. I am also doing a study with Joyce Meyer on the Holy Spirit (The Lord knew I needed alot of help in this area) and I felt Him move and I spoke in tongues for the first time in my life. Step 2 Spirit of Truth: The Lord has helped me find my way to a deeper relationship with him through the Holy Spirit. I had listened to and believed lies! I thought that I wasn't worthy of the Holy Spirit's presence, that I would never speak in tongues, that my physical and emotional issues were too "low" for Someone so Holy to inhabit. I now know that I was completely wrong. He was with me all along - through all the misery, the binges and purges. It was Him saying "Trust Me". My day wasn't perfect. I'm still the human that I was before - I lost my temper, fussed about stupid stuff, I ate CAKE!! But the Holy Spirit was with me today, all day long, and I was aware of Him beautiful presence. I don't have to be a certain size or weight for Him to love me. I wouldn't trade one second of this day.

[debg71]

Step 13. Particularly difficult because I had to log on to the chat room. I broke out in hives and started sweating. I have a facebook account, but mostly, I just log on and look at those folk's lives. Like looking in a window, or watching tv. If I want to say something to someone, I send a personal message or click on "like". I even have second thoughts about that "like" button.
Those guys in the chatroom were gracious and loving people and they type really really fast. I do too, but I can't read it, process, think of an answer, then type it out IN PERFECT ENGLISH in time to keep up with them. If I made mistakes on the chat, I keep re-reading it until it disappears from view. I don't think I helped anyone, except by suggesting DiJorno Pizza, so I logged off, allowing myself to finally take a deep breath. You may wonder how I hold down a job. Well I don't do that well. I mentioned that I recently quit my part time job. What I didn't say, is that I felt led by the Lord to quit. I worked a few hours a day with severely physically/mentally handicapped young people. They didn't bring out my anxiety issues and I felt that I could be a blessing to them. I could overcome that dread of leaving the house and facing everyone, with the Lord's help, each day and go there to see them. If God led me to quit that job, then He has something else for me. In the physical sense, my situation is this: I have anxiety issues, two children, no job, sick/elderly parents and family members, no money and no help in sight. However, I believe that God has everything under control. He gives me a bit of "ability" each day to deal with the stress. Even today, I got some revelation concerning my eating issues. The devil threw me a curveball and I fell down today (kickback to step 12) and ate and ate and ate . . until I looked up and said "Lord, I'm going to die if you don't do something about this! If you don't help me - send some person, some operation, something to stop what's happening to me, then I am going to die!" This evening, I feel strong. I have energy and no appetite. Just sipping tea and chatting with the Christian folk on this site. I am not able to say "I love you" to many people (just recently started saying that to my parents) but I feel in my heart, a love for people. I want to help people and God knows this. He has something prepared for me to do! I'm happier right now, right this second, more at peace than I've been in a long time. I know that I know that I know. I am different than I was.

[debg71]

Now that all steps are completed, and I am beginning "Many called, few chosen" steps, (seed donation to this wonderful website is on the way!) I feel stronger and more . . balanced. Having suffered from extremes all my life, this is so peaceful. Im excited, I am in love with my life, in love with Jesus Christ, and the opportunities I am believing in God to open up for me. I have a financial issue, but I KNOW God is on this thing. I don't know how, but I know the Who.

[debg71]

Step 2: I am making progress. I'm walking with the Lord, starting my day in His Word, keeping my mind on the spiritual instead of the physical, and looking for opportunities to bless others. Trials must come, I know, and I am learning to lean on the Lord . . heavily. Example: Decided (in the flesh) to go grocery shopping today. Small Voice told me to double check the card I was using. So, I called and glad I did, because the deposit wasn't in yet. Ok. So cut the shopping list drastically. I see on the front door of the store "Fudgesicles $1.00 off with coupon". Great because I have the flier so I have the coupon. The door of the freezer says "Don't forget your $1.00 off coupon on Fudgesicles" and I'm glad I have mine because finances are TIGHT right now and this makes a great snack for my kids! I roll up to the checkout and the lady looks at the coupon - taken from her store paper, posted on her front door, and on the freezer NEXT to the Fudgesicles and says . . . "I'm sorry. That coupon expired yesterday. Guess we should take those down, huh?" This is only a test - this is only a test. Flesh said "What?! Ask her if she has ANY idea how hard this is! Get mad and tell her to give you the stupid $1.00 off anyway!" But my Spirit (thank you Jesus!) said "HHHHHAAAAAA!!! This is a test - smile and let it go." So I did. I laughed out loud and just said "ok" because I KNOW that was the devil trying to take my peace, my newfound balance. Nope. It's far too precious to surrender over a $1.00 coupon! I'm lauging so hard right now because I finally figured this thing out. The Lord HAS called me to do something, even though I don't know what that is yet, and I need to be mentally, physically and spiritually ready for it. He's working on me and in me so the tests must come. The tests show me the results of His work, thereby increasing my faith and allowing me to surrender even more of "me" to His will. God's Grace. Please pray in agreement with me that the Lord will bless my family financially and that we will find Favor with Him. He is so good to us! We have so much more than others, so I am thankful for what we have, but we still have a need. My eating habits have leveled out and even though I have NOT WEIGHED MYSELF IN DAYS, I think I may have lost a little. My choices are better, the binge eating has stopped and the purging is no more. I don't even get the urge to throw up. I don't have "disgusted" feelings about myself because my thoughts are busy with the daily scripture. My family can see the change in me because I'm smiling, I'm peaceful and balanced (can't believe I'm actually talking about ME) and I tell them that I love them often. Other people think I'm strange, and that's ok, because I'm exactly what God wants me to be right now and He will change the stuff that needs to be changed.

[Dora]

That sounds terrific!!! I don't think you are weird.