Christianity Oasis Forum

[Onyx24]

Today was no more stressful at work than normal, actually is was more peaceful today than yesterday. I must learn to forgive 2 people: myself and my husband. I must forgive my self for giving up my independence because it upset him that I could actually think for myself and come to a conclusion without his insight. I also must forgive myself to becoming someone I am not in order to create peace and happiness in our marriage.
Since we been living together, I see things that should not be although I do not all the time acknowledge that I seen the event. He is glued to his cell phone, he cannot go to the bathroom without nor turn it off when he sleeps. I know the reason for this even though he denies it. I try to focus on the good versus the bad but most times its bad because I'm not happy inside. He is estatic. He can go where he wants and do what he wants when he feels like it. He just came back from bike week at Mrytle Beach and I'm in Afghanistan. He brought his mother down to stay with the kids while he goes. He can't explain the allure of bike week and why he absolutely must go but I can guess why. I HATE his motorcycle club because I know what they stand for and what they do. No wives are allowed to meet the other wives. He say he want to keep the family separated from the club. He doesn't talk about the club or what they do although I do see pictures on some of my friends FB pages. I have repeatedly expressed how I feel about to no avail. I feel unimportant in my own life but not suicidal. I feel he doesn't respect me and doesn't appreciate me. I know I block my own blessings by hating the club and his "other" life hence why I choose to go through this program. I really like putting down my thoughts and feelings in a place where I'm unknown therefore no judgment. I love my husband and I want us to work. He claims he love me but his actions do not match the claim. I always appear happy for our kids but inside I'm dying little by little. I don't have any friends outside of the workplace. I want peace, happiness and the love of my husband. I want his entire heart. The only person he should love more than me is God but God is on the same level as me. There are 5 things in his life that come before me (or so it seems): 1. his business 2. his girlfriends 3. his motorcycle club 4. his happiness 5. wife and God if there is enough time left. Sometimes I get tired and just want to quit (him). Let all of his other activities have him. I sometimes find peace in the thought of being alone with just the kids. In that picture, I'm free to do as I please with criticism or questions of why I changed the paint color, why I am always so tired and sleeping, etc., I find so much peace when I go to church because just for a little while, I'm surrounded by people with a common purpose and goal, you can feel the love and appreciation for the differences then I go home where everyone demands something different at the same time. I want to trust my husband but that is difficult to do given his history and current stance. I figure the first step is to let go and let God. Then I must forgive him for all the hurt I feel because of him but I don't know how to do that. Once I learn how to do this in accordance with the Word of God, I should be able to rebuild that trust. I don' know that's what I hope.

[Dora]

Onyx Praying for you. May God bless you abundantly. My heart aches for you. Gods good and perfect will be done. I pray you feel His love and comfort surround you.

[Diane]

Dear Onyx,
Hi, I read your diary and my hart aches for you too. I admire that you are looking to God in all of what you are feeling. I came to this site with very much the same feelings that you have expressed. The circumstances are not exactly the same but the feelings of despair and dying inside are exactly what I was feeling. I have received so much hope here and strength to carry on even though I do not have answers how to fix my marriage. I have grown in my relationship with the Holy Sprit the Great Comforter. I feel loved and not alone. I pray for the same for you. I felt so empty and just wanted to stay in church and not come home. Now I am taking time for myself. My teen sons need a healthy mom that does what she needs to do for herself no matter if their dad is in a bad mood or unavailable.
God bless you
Diane

[vahn]

Hello Onyx

Not a good place to be indeed .
One of the first questions that crossed my mind was "man (woman) is not an island" ... God created two for companionship , besides just marriage , the question for yourself to ask , is "why am I choosing to live this way ? " (his girlfriends and all) ... I could somewhat understand the "club" (although the 'men only' - right !! - thing ) . Maybe after we try to understand our part in this "chaos" , as to why is it I an't break-away from a bad situation , or to seek mutual solution , which for some reason I believe you have , give away your independence so he can have his is admirable , but ... what is he doing with his so-called "independance" ??

The CCCC 14 day program will help you find those answers about your part (please believe me , I am not , by all means saying this your fault ok ?) but , here's the thing , when I was armed with facts about myself , my shortcomings , insecurities and fears , and why I had them , then , it was possible for me to take a stand against ANY situation saying, this is who I am (good , bad , or otherwise) ... and this is what I need for me to be of utmost service to to God , only by serving Him will I be happy ! ... only then was I able to say , without fear , anything that comes between me and my happiness (in serving God) MUST GO !! .... for , if I am not happy , God is not happy , and if God is not happy .... HAH !! ... No one IS !!!


luv ya
In Christ , our Lord
vahn

[Onyx24]

Today started out great. I checked my email to find someone had read and responded to my journal entry. After I read them, I was so elated and moved... BIG THANKS TO YOU ALL! It was comforting to know I had someone praying for me. Vahn left me with a lot to ponder and I have been thinking about it most of the day; "my shortcomings , insecurities and fears , and why I had them." This list is prone to be expansive once I really start my self-analysis.

My shortcomings: (1) because of my fears, I can be very domineering at work where I do not have a strong emotional connection to anyone (2) I do not trust fully due to past relationship failures with both men and women (women being friendship type of relationships) (3) once I have been hurt, I do not forget and sometimes rarely truly forgive

Insecurities: (1) past girlfriends / relationships that are secretive in nature or hidden in plain sight (2) motorcycle club--although they do on occasion support worthy causes they mostly condone and instigate wrong-doing

Fears: (1) that I will fail as a Mom by not providing a stable, God fearing environment--they see me and wonder how can I appear to be happy but I never really smile (2) that I have failed as a wife hence why my husband finds everything and everyone more interesting than me (3) that I will destroy my family with my insecurity

Why do these insecurities exist: (1) after the birth of our son, my husband says I spent to much attention on him which is why reached out to these "friends" (2) because I allowed them to grow without addressing the problem when it first appeared (5 years ago) (3) because I let all of my friends go to try to be a good Soldier and wife--after work, it was home I went to cook, do homework, play with the kids, clean up, etc before the next day began. I lost sight of me (4) I listened to my family and almost accepted that all men cheat, its normal, yada yada...

1st step to reclaim me: re-establish myself as an individual and not an extension of everyone else. I can't live my kids life and protect them from every evil out there but I can pray for their protection and leave it in God's hands. I can't continue to worry about what my husband does behind our closed doors and who he sees when he on his motorcycle trips (VERY HARD 2 DO) because when I don't question, it's like he become more blatant.

Lord I pray for peace and serenity. I know through you, I can conquer and defeat my insecurities. I now realize that this is a spiritual battle that I fight and I cannot do it alone. With your help and guidance, I will stand strong and confront the enemy. I will leave victorious, with my dignity and respect. I will continue to exalt your name even when my heart is heavy. Teach me to be a virtuous women and order my steps so that where I go, there you go to. Watch over my kids as they travel from day to day, give them the wisdom to discern right from wrong and courage to fight for what is right. I pray that my husband recognize in his spirit the woman that he has before him. Heal our marriage and guide it in the path you would have us follow. Thank you for the friends and prayer warriors that are on this site. Bless them abundantly and search their hearts and heal where there are wounds. AMEN.

[Onyx24]

Today is a great day. My spirit is light so light in fact that I almost felt like I didn't need to do step 3 or post in this journal but I know better than that.

Reasons for my joy: (1) today I submitted my retirement packet (2) I see light at the end of this military tunnel (3) my soul feels lighter today and I can feel the joy of the Lord in my heart (4) I realize that I cannot change other people thoughts, feelings or actions so stop trying (5) I made a commitment, that my life will now be about me, my happiness and satisfaction--I can't live as extensions of everyone else anymore, I must re-establish my identity-- and that thought is wonderful

Today I was able to geniunely laugh at work and talk to people with a lifted spirit. I know today is but one good day in my journey so I will celebrate it the best I can because who knows what tomorrow will bring. I am blessed and highly favored in the Lord and I must remember that regardless of what's going on around me. I have a friend who is going through alot of drama right now and she says she must be getting ready to win the lottery because the Lord is truly taking her though some things.

Lord I thank you for waking me up in my right mind and relatively good health. I pray that you continue to watch over our Soldiers as they conduct their missions in dangerous areas. I pray that you place your healing hands on Quanda's mother as she goes through her cancer treatment and continue to guide Quanda's steps so that her actions are reflections of you and your mercy. Thank you for the gift of friendship and mentorship because I know it is through the divine prayers of the righteous that I can sit here and type this prayer. Thank you for helping me find this website and start my healing process. Continue to walk, talk and instruct me in your ways so that where I go people see you in me. AMEN!!

[Onyx24]

Today was a tough one. I was diagnosed as being clinically depressed and decided to tell my husband. It did not go over well when he asked how long I had been feeling this way. As of right now, he doesn't know how he feels about me, us or this marriage. I don't know how I feel about that statement. I love him but I love my sanity too. I want to be with him but I want to be stress-free. I've cried so much today, my head hurts.
I know I've probably hurt him but he's too man to tell me how or why he feels that way he just says I'll never change so what's the point. But I have changed. I lost my identity trying to be want he needed now he doesn't know what he needs or want. He told me right now he feels I'm being selfish. I told him I don't want a provider, I want someone who loves and appreciates me and doesn't mind spending time with me. Definitely not a good sticking point. 9 years later and we both finally admit we don't really know each other. Why?

[Dora]

Onyx sis Now that this is out in the open it can begin to be dealt with. Are you seeing a counselor? Sometimes bringing a third party into the situation helps a lot more than trying to do it on your own. My spouse and I have had counseling four different times in 21 years of marriage. It helps them to hear from someone else what is proper actions towards us and what is not. He may not go, but it could be good for you to go if you can even if he wont. I have found counseling with a compassionate woman is like sitting and talking to a friend. And she can help you understand your own actions. Sometimes guys don't want us to have emotions cause they don't know what to do with them and just want them to go away. Talking to another woman can help you realize your emotions are valuable and you are not wrong for having them. Which can be especially helpful after years of not being allowed to express yourself. Which I'm wondering if that isn't something you've been under for a while.

I was diagnosed once with depression too. I don't claim to be depressed. Because that is just...well...depressing in it's self. So I don't claim it. I encourage you to focus outward on others, yet taking care of yourself. Allow yourself to be important and treat others as they are important cause well we all are. To God we are very worth while and meaningful. Focus on good things. Sometimes it may be a flower or bird or fresh cut grass. It may be the sun light shining through lace curtains in the first moments of the morning. It may be children playing and laughing or moments of complete silence. Focus on promises God makes in His Word, the bible. Focus on the Holy Spirits ever presence.

I don't know a lot about your situation so I can only suggest a blanket of things. I do feel for you and can have compassion for you. I'm willing to talk more with you either through forum here, private message or in chat if you ever would like to.

It's ok to be you. The real you. God wants the real you, not the person your spouse thinks he wants. Find yourself in God and through God. Meaning the child you were intended to be with all your talents and abilities and expressions. For God. For you. Cause it would please God to see His little girl being who He intended her to be and it would bring you joy and peace to be yourself.

God loves you dear sister and so do I. Take care of you. Praying for you and him.

[Onyx24]

This morning I woke up feeling very disoriented. It took a while to realize I didn't have to be at work for another 4 hours before I settled back down. My emotions are still all over the place but I had some peace. Although the conversation with my husband last night did not go as expected, I feel better getting some of it out in the open. He refuses to understand right now but I know in time his heart will be opened and he will receive what I am saying and act accordingly. I did talk to him today. He actually talked but not about anything significant, little stuff that happening back at home. He said he couldn't sleep which is good because it means what I said bothered him and he had to think about it.
Thank you all for the support and sharing your personal stories with me. It is encouraging to see so many others have similiar experiences and are making it in the Lord. I have been blessed to find fellowship with like-minded Christians and I am grateful.

Lord one day at a time is all that I ask. Go with me as I take these steps to find and be the woman you called me to be. I know the stronger I get in you the more attacks I will receive. Give me the courage to stand in the face of adversity. I put down my false faces and stand exposed before you and the world to accept me as I am; broken and flawed but perfect in your grace and mercy. Sometimes when I pray, I am speechless and have no clue where to start so I offer up my heart to you to search and see what I cannot voice. Thank you for the gift of friendship and fellowship. Bless each and every one of us on this site to walk according to your Word. I love you Lord. AMEN!

I pray throughout the day and come back to this site often. I read others post and sometimes I want to respond but I don't want to be a hypocrite when I have so many issues myself. I find comfort in writing here. I feel welcome and most of all I feel love so I know I'm not alone.
I know what must be done in me and I'm ready to do it. I NEED to find me in order to survive. I HAVE to forgive in order to progress so now I say, "I forgive all of have me in my heart and spirit. I cannot hold on to the anger and untrustworthiness anymore. I am not perfect so why should I expect someone else to be. The same wrongs they have done to me I have done to someone else before. I am ready to move on. I am ready to forgive. I am ready to accept my husband for all of his faults and strengths. "

[Lani]

Hey Onyx

I read others post and sometimes I want to respond but I don't want to be a hypocrite when I have so many issues myself.

Dear Sis,
Not one of us is without something to "work through". Things shared in love and experience are just that... Loving Guidance based one where our path has been. Just as you have felt comforted, sharing as you feel led will comfort another. No Worries In my experience, it is in the moments I have allowed myself to support another that His greater truth was shown both to the soul I encouraged and to myself. I pray the same holds true for you.

Just wanted to let ya know I am here, standin in prayer through all of your sharing.

You ARE Ready! TY Lord, Amen!

Awesome journey so far sis, looking forward to more truth revealed and greater healing through the Love of Christ.



Peace n Luv in Christ,
Lani

[Onyx24]

Just completed stepping stone 6 on my journey and I am really looking forward to completing my Miracle Grow chart.

Today, I have a peace and calm about me. I don't feel upset just a little tired from no sleep last night. Normally I can't sleep due to so much on my mind but last night was different. There were no pressing issues so off and on I talked to the Lord. I am still awaiting guidance on which route He has planned for me. I use to question why I was brought here, separated from my family and it has been revealed that I was brought her for a few individuals. YEA! The Lord using me to make himself known to others. Since I've been here I notice that the people in my section talk differently when I'm around. I like it. It's respectful talk. Some of my gifts are also being revealed hence my spiritual attacks. I can hear Him just a little more clearly now and oftentimes when I least expect it. It is a wonderful feeling to be used by Him.
My peace and calm have come from acknowledging and forgiving both myself and my husband. I cannot change him, I can only love and pray over him. I realize I was using a very long yardstick to hold his mistakes against him while barely acknowledging mine. I guess knowledge is power. Step 5 help me with that.
I love life and all that it offers. I must remember one day, one step at a time. I will stumble and fall but I must get back up ready to fight again. Have a great day everyone and God bless you all.

[Dora]

Wow that is terrific!!!!!!

I love the way the Holy Spirit works through us. He is so awesome. We are blessed to have such a wonderful Father.

God bless and keep you.