Christianity Oasis Forum

[jayney]

Sometimes marriage is hard. I am coming to the end of the 14 day programme on here and it has gone so well. I feel I have got so much from it and the impact on all of my life has been so positive.
It is difficult to apply some of what I have learnt to my marriage.
Today is payday and until a couple of months ago my husband's salary was paid into a joint account. He decided to move it, anyone who has read my other posts will know that this was due to my mother in law who is always trying to break up our marriage.
Since then I have to almost beg every month for the money I need to pay our bills. My salary doesn't cover everything. Today is that day and it feels really awful, I am made to feel that I have no right to this money. He seems to believe that because I work I should pay everything so that he can have all his salary to himself! He never used to feel like this.
I have asked him this morning to go to the bank in his lunch hour and move the money and now have to wait anxiously all day worrying that he won't because he doesn't want to.
This was never an issue and I don't know exactly what nonsense his mother has been filling his head with but his whole attitude towards money has changed.
WHat would God guide me to do? I have tried to be pleasant and supportive but this doesn't feel like a partnership.
I have been praying for God to open my husband's mind to things, particularly his family.
I don't like how this makes me feel as if I am money grabbing. I am not I just need to pay for the house, feed us etc etc. I can't do this on air.
Please God, I have enjoyed this journey to get to know you so much and don't want things like to day to interfere with that journey. Please guide me and help me find the strength to manage this today. Amen.
Any words of wisdom from anyone would be appreciated. Thank you.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hi Jayney and welcome to oasis
This is ONLY my opinion
I am no expert on being married seeing that mine fell apart a little over a year ago BUT
we had the joint account and ANY time I needed anything I cleared it with her ALWAYS because she handled the bills but on more than one occassion she would just decide to spend and not even consult me, once was a $500 flat top stove she put on credit $500 was the CASH price and she ended up paying twice as much for it, so you can see I had some issues with our money and how it was spent but would have never split the account.
BUT with that said I have a friend that does exactly that but it goes a little farther and this to me would be the ONLY way to work seperate accounts they divided the bills he pays for certain ones each month and she pays the others, if your husband is not onboard with this choose the ones he needs or wants more than you and tell him these are yours if you don't pay them then they will remain unpaid
I know it sounds crazy but that is the only way I see this arrangment working, divide or share income AND bills not one or the other.
One thing you said is SO true it SHOULD feel like a partnership not like you are begging for money to survive
May God bless you and give you the answers you need to solve this issue, and I pray God gives you and your husband the strength to survive this and any other trials this world throws at your marriage
Cuc

[jayney]

Thank you for your reply. I read various posts on here about marriage and prayed and have backed off from discussing this further with my husband. I am leaving it to my husband to decide what he is to do about our finances.
Since doing this he has apologised for how he is behaving and I am hopeful that he will sort something out.
God is good.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Good luck, will pray
Cuc

[Dora]

God is awesome!!!

continuing to pray for His will to be done in all things with in your life and those around you. Love you!

[JTucker801]

Definitely pray before taking this advice. I am confident that this advice is backed by God's Word, but you will need God's help to carry it out. i do not know the whole of your situation, but I've been through this. Though my situation is not turning out the way I want it to, I trust that God will continue to bless and favor me because through it all, I trust his Word more than all other advice, and choose to follow others who have been successful in following God's advice.

With the mother in law interfering, you've got a problem. The three of you may need to sit at the dinner table and you may need to have a come to Jesus meeting where you let him and his mother know that (1) your husband and your home are your first concerns (Proverbs 31:11, 1 Timothy 5:8), that your relationship does not need any other outside rule other than god's instruction book (Psalms 1), and that you and your husband need enough time to mend your problems together without interference so that necessary boundaries can be set, and your relationship be repaired.

In laws and lonely friends are among the first destroyers of any marriage, and you are right to grieve over your situation. But don't just grieve over it. The bible does afford you active solutions that you can take. Be respectful to both your husband and his mother. But respectfully share the need to have your husband to yourself and your biblical right to as well.

Once you separate the troublemakers from your marriage, then lovingly dig into the root of the problem. Once you expose the root idea, you can uproot it with love and honesty. There needs to be an understanding that the need for money in and for the sake of stability in your relationship is a reality. The thing that you need to convey to him is that it is him, not his money that you are married to. He also needs to understand that your need is for him to bring security to your home by the two of you putting your strengths and weaknesses together, planning your financial future together, and executing your plan together. Agree on your goals and dreams, and plan for your needs and for your dreams and wants.

Also remind him of this quote: DELAY IS NOT DENIAL. Naturally as his wife, you want him to be happy. But a mature person knows that needs come before wants. Once the needs are taken care of, then you can plan for the wants.

Also, it may help a great deal if the two of you can find a way to do some giving together. I'm not just talking about tithing and doing intelligent offering. I'm talking about finding out together whether or not you can do something generous, money/goods/time related intelligent giving for someone else that establishes a pattern of generousity together.

The KEY idea to express to him is that you two should be in this thing together. No one person is more important than the other. Get some counseling if need be. Go through the COOL counseling together with a loving, non-accusing, and forgiving attitude towards one another. Make being accountable to one another a rewarding and securing experience for the both of you.

The key thing is restoring the TOGETHERness and going through each day of the marriage TOGETHER. The more you two do TOGETHER, the stronger the trust will become, and the less that the enemy of your souls can affect your marriage.

Pray for and work towards the TOGETHER element. Use godly weapons of warfare to attack the evils that are attacking your marriage (the evil ideas being implanted, not the people implanting them) like forgiveness (big time), trust, faith, encouragement, unselfishness, etc.

Here's an idea that I would like to do one day. Maybe it will prove to be a blessing to your marriage. If my spouse, or future spouse (should my present one leave me) will be patient while we build our home, I want to surprise her one day with something she has wanted for all the years she had to wait for it. I would save a portion of any extra money that we get from managing our money well, put it into a "Her Wish Fund", and surprise her with it by buying it outright after saving for it, then giving it to her. I'm sure that she would be glad she stuck with me through those struggles.

[jayney]

Thank you for such a lovely post, your words are beautiful. Sadly, my husband and his family are not believers. I am trying to do a lot of what you have talked about but it is not so effective when only one of you is working to repair things. My husband is not a talker and sometimes like today I feel weighed down by it all. HIs mother won't speak to me at all so I cannot sit down with her. The end of the month and payday are coming, my husband has refused to make any proper change so that I get my money without begging so I guess I will be begging for money to pay the bills again at the end of the month.
HIs mother is very il which is placing a huge strain on him and therefore us. I don't yet know know what God's plan is for me in all this so I will keep trying to make my marriage work until such time as I can't try anymore.
Thanks again
Jay