Christianity Oasis Forum

[kimby]

Trust...a few months ago that might as well have been a four-letter word to me. Not that I didn't trust anyone or anything, but it was very selective, and rarely blind. Hardly trust at all I suppose. Do I still struggle to trust Him? Sometimes, but the battles are getting shorter, and I am certainly less likely to erupt into full-blown tantrums with Him. I am so glad He was patient enough to help bring me to this point..and I believe one day, He will take me even farther.

Working now on figuring out how to stop avoiding the things He asks me to do that are hard. He asked me yesterday to take a look at some things I didn't really care to...simply because I didn't know what they were exactly. I stalled until this morning. I realised I trusted Him enough to go there with Him. My brain however hasn't quite figured out yet that it will be okay. Any attempt to process what He is saying about this, and my mind is shooting in a hundred different directions. I had a dream last night that I was flying a plane. I didn't do the greatest job, but I got it landed. This morning trying to hear Him, to talk to Him knowing that it was important and yet my mind was going over and over the dream trying to work out how to fly the plane better! How ridiculous! It refuses to settle and calm enough that I can sit and talk to Him and hear what He wants me to do with what He is showing me. It is frustrating when my heart wants to, but my mind refuses to cooperate.

[dema]

Flying in a dream is a sign of being elevated. Promoted. Going up in the world. God wants you to trust him to help you fly. He'll get your feet on the ground safely, but he will take you to great heights if you will trust him. It may be that he let you land the plane because that was where your mind was. On the landing and getting safe again instead of on the soaring. Think about the soaring. God wants you to soar with him.

[kimby]

It amazes me how fast a day can turn ugh. Ugh must travel at warp speed or something!

I had the day off today. My favourite friend here is back from Nigeria for a visit. I took the day off to spend with her. I was up early and got a lot of cleaning done. There is something very satisfying in seeing the transformation that happens with a good cleaning...it almost seems the sun shines a little brighter. We spent the afternoon and evening watching films and catching up...so good to do after a year on separate continents! There came a point when I had to tell her of my decision to return to the states. I am not saying that to anyone here yet, but as she leaves on Saturday I didn't want to have to share it via text or email later. I trust her to not repeat it. It was good to talk the decision through with her. She said I sounded at peace with the decision...and she addressed one of my major concerns in leaving. It was good to hear that from someone who knows me so well. It really was a very good day.

I was finishing up the last film on my own and I felt like God needed my attention. I have learned not to ignore and so I paused the film. He has been trying to teach me something, and yesterday and this morning, I got it. I really got it. But today He presented one thing to me and it was as though I had never got it...feel like I am back grasping at straws again. Ugh.

I went back to the film and it wasn't long before The Peter came in. He was overly chatty. Peter is a great kid, but when he gets something in his head it is often firmly set the way it went in. I don't know why but I had no patience for it tonight. I know I was more abrupt with him than normal. I know I didn't take the time to really hear him before I started with my own opinions. So tonight I go to bed annoyed with him and angry with myself. Ugh.

I am glad tomorrow is a new day...I pray one with a little more balance.

[Dora]

Those types of days are so annoying. I think carrying guilt over messing up even if it's a little mistake but it's made in public can cause us to have a day like that. Then we do something we wouldn't normally do because we are having an off day. Then more ugh and then guilt over that and it keeps going and going. Speaking of self. Sharing just in case that may fit in your day as well.

[kimby]

A few hours from now I will sit in my boss's house with him and his wife and tell them of my decision to return to the States in August. I don't want to! I don't want to! I don't want to! But I know I can't put it off any longer.

It seems like I don't even know what I am supposed to feel about all of this...and yet I feel like a certain response is expected of me. Problem is...different people expect a different response. The people back in America who know are excited...and expect me to be too. There are people here who are sad...and expect me to be too. There are people who believe that since it is God's plan I should just obey without any feelings at all. And I am somewhere in the middle of it trying to be all those things and bring out the right facial expression, attitude, and tone of voice at the right moment. I can't keep doing this...I can't keep everyone happy! The fact is I feel sadness, anticipation, devestation, guilt, excitement, anger, frustration, disappointment, fear...and more depending on the given moment. It is too much to sift through and pull the right one out for the right person at the right moment!

I don't want to have this conversation tonight.

[dema]

If you act the way you think people want you to act - then it will come out that you are acting. The lack of feeling will show. And they might wonder if you ever loved them.

This is a man of God. Be honest with him. Let him know your deliberation and your pain in leaving. You should have pain in leaving.

Do him the honor of letting him know how difficult this is for you.

How would you feel in his place?

And of course, pray that God holds your hand as you go through it.

[kimby]

It has been a long week...one with many tears, a lack of sleep, and a lot of stress. But I have survived. Now that I have begun to say the words to people here it is becoming more real. That is a hard thing, but also a good thing. I won't lie. It still hurts. Maybe it shouldn't, maybe some wonder why I am so upset over a simple move, but the truth is, it does. And I think it will continue to off and on for a while yet. But now that I have started saying the words, it has freed me up to admit, at least to myself, that there is some excitement about the prospect of teaching again.

I was sitting in a prayer meeting tonight and realised that I was clenching my teeth. Made me recognise how stressed I actually am with the job hunt at the moment. I have gone at this with feverish determination to make the move seem justified by finding a job. In the midst of doing that, I failed more often than not to ask God His opinion on where I should apply. I now have applications spread over most the state and even up into another. I don't know which of those God wanted me to apply for and which He didn't. So now I can only humbly ask that He clean up my mess and make it obvious where He wants me. When I am not thinking too deeply about it...I don't worry about getting a job. There is a peace that He will provide one. When I start to think about all the details, that is when I panic. I hear Him saying, "Trust me," and I try. However, there are a million voices inside screaming, "But, but, but!!!"

I am hoping, probably somewhat selfishly, that a job offer comes soon. Knowing that I have something to go back to in America will make the idea easier to handle. I won't feel like I am leaving everything for nothing. Once I have a secure position, I will be able to relax and fully focus on and enjoy my last months in this country and with these people. I do not want my last days with them to be stress and anxiety filled. I want to be able to spend my time with them, not on applications and job hunts.

I am in the difficult position of having to continue to keep my departure quiet for a while yet. A small handful of people now know, but with everyone there is the risk that it will become common knowledge. Twice in the last two days I was asked directly if I was coming back. In my effort to dodge the question, I ended up lying. Lying to people who are precious to me. I hate that! I was able to sit down with one, explain, and apologise. After talking with my boss, I have a ready answer now so hopefully this won't happen again. I like to live with integrity...and those two conversations weighed heavy on my heart.

I am surviving...sometimes barely...but still surviving.

[dema]

Of course it hurts. If it didn't hurt, then you wouldn't have given anything of yourself.


It hurts, but it will get better.

You know, we tend to take blame on ourselves for all sorts of weirdnesses. Sometimes it helps to pretend that someone else was asking us what to do in the situation. Frequently we absolutely know how someone else should react in the situation. But when it is us, we suddenly feel clueless.

It is difficult. Where you are - it is horribly difficult. Like a lame duck president - only worse, because you decided. But it wasn't you, was it?

Yes, you are where you are and it is tough. God bless you in getting through. And God give you extra grace because it is extra tough.

Hugs.

[Dora]

maybe some wonder why I am so upset over a simple move

God knows just how very deep this move is effecting you. And how justified you are in your pain and struggle.

Anyone who does not have understanding or compassion on Gods little girl will possibly one day find themselves in your shoes so they will have compassion and understanding.

I love you Kimby. You've been heavy on my heart this week. Holding you up in prayer.

God loves you and so do I.

[kimby]

Slowly, one by one, I am telling people of my decision. The telling really isn't getting any easier; I am waiting for the day it does. Today I was asked by one of the members of the youth centre's management committee what it would take to entice me to stay. He said this not knowing I had made up my mind. I had to tell him. There were tears. I had recently been told that he had indicated that if I stayed on he wanted to be part of the group that helped support me. Today he said that since I will not be returning, he wants to cover the remainder of my living costs for this year. This man is probably the most generous I have ever met, but even knowing that I am blessed beyond belief at this act of kindness. His generosity takes my fundraising needs down considerably. That will be one less thing that poses the threat of stress and worry.

Today I did the last application that seems practical at this point. There may be a few new ones to follow-up on here or there, but nothing like the mad rush of the last week. I discovered today just how hard it is to wait, to have the power completely taken from me. I can do nothing more with most of these school districts. I can only wait and hope to be contacted. I never know when a position has been filled. I never know when to give up hope. Some school districts or towns excite me, make me think I might fit in really well there, but then the question of 'where does God want me' arises. That is what I truly want...to be in the spot He has for me.

I have checked my email three times in the course of typing this...still nothing new. The silence is loud. I hope some invitations to interview start coming soon!

[Dora]

Trust would be key in finding peace hu?

Deep breath. You can do this. You are doing it! With Him beside you every step of the way.

[kimby]

I have the potential for two job interviews next week. It is a relief to know that possibilities are out there. Neither school is my first choice of location, but at this point I will not even pretend to be picky. I have been sitting and thinking all day of which one I would take given my choice. Talk about counting your chickens before they hatch! I don't want to set myself up for disappointment.

I called my mother today to fill her in on the developments. I tried to talk through the pros and cons of each with her since to a certain degree she will be affected by my decision. She was more interested in interrupting to tell me about the big bird she saw flying around the front yard. I am not sure why I bother trying to communicate with her anymore. I don't mind her stories. I realise she needs to talk to someone. But am I wrong in thinking that life plans outweigh an unidentified bird?! Don't get me wrong. I love my mother...but this sort of thing is why I know I couldn't stay with them for very long before I need to find my own place.

On the other hand, I talked to my dad at the end of the phone call. Despite his limited ability to communicate, in some ways he gave me more input than my mother did. Simply from the tone of his 'wells' and 'anyways,' I knew he was telling me to just focus on getting a job and to stop worrying. My dad knows me well. I am grateful. It is because of those last few minutes talking to him that I did not come off the phone ready to throw things and scream.

It is my goal tomorrow to do nothing in regards to either of these possibilities. No looking up community information. No searching for a nearby church. No looking at homes for rent. I want to leave it alone, not worry about it, and trust that God is in control...even if it is just for one day.