Christianity Oasis Forum

[Piccolo80]

Here is my story,

I have never had the best luck at relationships. I am divorced and for the past 3 years, I had found, "the one". I knew this b/c I had never felt this way about anyone my entire life. Because of him, my faith in Christ was restored, I had a positive outlook on life, we were getting married. Everything was "perfect". Did we argue? Sure occasionally but only about silly things. Then 3 weeks ago, he broke my heart. Said he wasn't mature enough to be in a relationship. He's not ready to be married and he can't see himself marrying me. All of this from an argument. We went to see our pastor, decided we were gonna work on things, push back our wedding (less than 90 days away), and stay together. 2 weeks later, he ends it again. Says he did that simply for my benefit b/c he doesn't like to see me sad. He tells me that he still loves me he just can't be with me and see me look disappointed. He can't give me what I need in a relationship and that's quality time. Everyone gives me the speech of "your too good for him, I can't believe he broke up with you, better you know now versus later,etc"...but for me, I'm crushed. We made promises before God, no they weren't in writing but we made those commitments and now he's gone. He left, he's happy and free. I understood before that perhaps it was stress (he lost his job) but I was still there to support him, always. But these past few weeks, he's turned his emotions off as if everything meant absolutely nothing to him. That our relationship meant nothing and he can just as easily turn it off and move on. Me on the other hand, I'm a nervous wreck. I've lost nearly 10lbs, I'm sick, I'm nauseous everyday, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm trying to be strong but I'm breaking on the inside. Anyone that truly knows me must be able to see past this act that I'm putting on. I just can't believe that he could so easily end things. It's as if we were a game. My concern is I'm trying to keep faith and hold on to scripture. I'm trying so hard b/c I know I'm being tested. I don't want to fail the test. I want to get through this but patience has never been one of my strengths. I have read scripture and tried to apply them and the best way to describe it is, I have good moments and bad moments. I have good days and bad days. I want things to go back to the way they were. I want to continue to grow in Christ but it's like I'm stuck right now asking WHY....why must I hurt? why can't I be with the one I love? Am I delusional? I still feel as if he loves me. But I told him that I have accepted that we won't get back together. So I need to get past this. Somehow.

[TrueAndMagneticNorth]

Hi piccolo,

Just read your post and I'm sorry about your hardships. I have never experienced a situation quite like the one you are going through so I'll talk more about what I know as opposed to what I really don't know (and for your sake, I'll try to avoid throwaway cliches).

Firstly, I think you're right. It could well be a test from God, even though it wasn't Him who initially brought about the conditions for this test.

Moreover, tests are not always over in a day. Healing from emotional pain can be a slow and arduous process. But what is important is to push this process in the right direction, mentally speaking.

At the risk of sounding like Dr Phil or some other person claiming to be an expert on relationships, I urge you to fight with every fibre of your being in order to emotionally severe yourself from the person who broke your heart. I know, easier said than done. But every time the thought crosses your mind that you wish you were back together with the person, remind yourself that this wouldn't be ultimately for the best. Whenever such thoughts cross your mind, and I'm sure they are doing so often at this stage, just keep overriding these thoughts by reminding yourself that, as much as it hurts right now, it ultimately wouldn't be for the best to be back with this person.

Doing this won't help you feel any better today and probably not tomorrow either, but this is the sort of thing I meant when referring to nudging the healing process in the right direction, and giving the spiritual enemy less time to hold you back in the grieving process, for lack of a better term.

One last thing: remember that God is not bound by time, but he is the authoer of what we know as time. Some scars remain with us as long as we live, but the pain inevitably dulls down over time. He designed it just like that as He never intended us to live with raw, unending pain our entire lives.

That's enough from me. Stick through it, and remember He is there for you on-call, 24-7. I'll be praying for you as well.

God bless.

[sbennett]

I read this and I can feel how hurt you are. I am sooooo sorry this has happened to you and that your heart is breaking. My first husband left me and 2 children ( 3yr old and 5 month old) and I know how much it hurts when someone you love just turns away and leaves. You question yourself first and feel like you are terrible and its all your fault. ( It is NOT your fault). Then you question why God would let this happen and why HE would not do what is best to make you happy!!. All sorts of crazy, hurtful things go through your head and make you very sad. Its ok to be sad and to feel hurt...even mad. Just don't lose faith and keep praying. There is a reason for this....it may be a long time coming....but God has a plan. I will be praying for you. Come to chat in the evenings and we can talk if you want.
Never forget that God loves you.

[Piccolo80]

I read the replies and I'm so grateful to have people ready to help me get through this hard time. I know that as hard of a time I'm having someone else is having the same if not worse and i need to focus on what I do have going for me. That is what I struggle with and I hope everyone can help me with this and motivate me to stay on track. I'm so afraid of failing and steering off course. The worse part of my situation is that we will have to live together for the next 3 months. I know I know we shouldn't have been living together to begin with. I can admit my mistakes. But when your young, in love, and thinking your taking the next step....today we had a very mature conversation. I told him I'm not hurting over the loss of the relationship as much as I'm hurting over the fear of losing the person I've become. He helped me get back to the person I was when I first developed a relationship with Christ and lived solely on faith. Every answer that was ever needed was decided by God. We were growing together, learning together. I don't want to lose my growth b/c a relationship went bad. So we talked about our spiritual growth and I learned that he's scared. He says he's only a vessel and will go where God takes him but he's scared b/c he doesn't know where he's going or why. He doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't know what is right anymore. I felt very sad for him. We are both hurting but I felt as if his battle is definitely going to be tougher than mine. Perhaps that is b/c I'm still in love with him or maybe it's just my kind nature. Who knows. I'm going to come to this site everyday and get my thoughts out. Chat with people and try to remain optimistic. I know that it's going to be hard. But I can't change what has already occurred. I can only pray and hope

[Mackenaw]

Hello Piccolo

God bless you this day. And, welcome to Christianity Oasis.

I'm sorry for the hurt you are feeling right now, but I'm glad to hear that you want to keep and continue growing in your relationship with The Lord. Praise God!

I was wondering if you have started the COOL Confidential Christian Counseling Study (CCCC) -- the 14 Day Study, on this site? If you have not, I really encourage you to do so as it has helped hundreds, including me, so very much. Here is the link to the Study: http://www.christianityoasis.com/CCCC/Forum.htm

I'm looking forward to seeing you around here, in the Forums, and also in Chat. Prayers are rising to our Lord in the name of Jesus, on your behalf. May God's blessed will be done.

God bless and keep you, Piccolo.
In Christ Jesus' love,
Sister Mack

[Piccolo80]

Today-----

Well today has been very emotional for me. It actually started off ok I suppose with work but once I got home it was like everything that was accomplished yesterday was forgotten. Even though yesterday we had started communicating today was more of an "oh...your here" situation. I was left to being alone again. It's hard still having to live with the person that has broken your heart and even harder when they spend their nights "going out" when you two always "hung out". You simply comment that you never realized how much they like to go out b/c they never did it before and suddenly you wonder to yourself, "did you keep him from doing this? was this the life he wanted and he couldn't have it b/c of you?" Trying to express it of course goes nowhere b/c one person is talking to a brick wall. However as time passes you realize to yourself, it wasn't you that kept him from hanging out with other people, it was himself and work. Now that he isn't working he's hanging out with other people and now that you too aren't together he's hanging out with people you don't normally see him hang out with. Then you start to feel as if perhaps it's not quite all your fault even if he led you to believe it was. Your head is saying, "forget him. he really is selfish, childish, inconsiderate" your heart says, "one day he will come back to you" But I guess it's one of those things I should remind myself, "do I really want this? Is this the life I really want? Is this the way I want to be treated for the rest of my life? will he ever mature and change?" I let go of our relationship yes, but we both still want a friendship. Is that even possible? I have been doing the YOUVERSION Bible Plans to help me deal with this process and I know everything takes time. I'm going to continue doing it as well as the 14day plan here but I feel like I'm going to go insane. I just want this pain taken away.

[Piccolo80]

I feel like perhaps I am just living in a world of confusion. Im asking for help but seem to be getting nowhere. I asked the pastor that was doing our pre marital counseling for help because I'm doing my best to cope but it's so hard(havent heard from him other than he has been busy). Ive never been alone and never been able to deal with depression. My mom thinks I need to be checked into a hospital for 72 hr observation. I have expressed to her im fine. In some ways I am. In some im not. The path is not clear and I have no closure. I dont understand how someone can turn all their emotions and memories off. But when we truly have an open conversation he admits hes scared and confused. Yet the very next day cold as ice. He doesnt know whats goin on and hes not working on finding a solution. Perhaps im still im denial but im still hopeful. Im sure once I move....reality will set in. but for now I'm still crying every night still praying still hoping...

[Diane]

Piccolo I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been told in times of my life very similiar that there is an end to the Storm. It may be that we are in the eye of the storm which is the worse part and it does not look like the hurt will ever end and that there is no solution. Its just that we cant see a way out of the storm yet but there is an end. This too shall pass. God is with us and he will not let us fall. I listen to this song over and over and it gives me hope. It is called "HOLD FAST" by Mercy Me. it is on you tube and I dont know yet how to post it on here, sorry. See if you can find it1
Hold fast help is on the way hold fast.
Praying for you!!!

[stillstanding]

[Piccolo80]

Thanks so much everyone. Especially for the song. The words,could not have come at a more needed time. Its true God always makes his presence shown. Today I was actually asked to go to Urgent Care. Im having trouble breathing as if I havd asthma or bronchitis. Such a heaviness I feel on my chest. I think its stress. Today I cant breathe im dizzy I have the jitters and feel like someone is sitting on my chest. But getting on here was like a sign saying, "don't worry help is on the way. For me to hold fast"

[Dora]

praying for you tonight. More peace Lord.

[Piccolo80]

I had such a rough moment earlier. I typed it all on my phone to post while in the heat of the moment but managed to exit out of the page. LOL....sadly however, I dealt earlier with pure anger. I was so mad I wanted to punch things, I wanted to burn my wedding dress, I wanted to yell, cry, and break everything. I'm not one for theatrics but I couldn't help it. I just wanted to yell and cry to give me back my life. You know it's just one of those things where you are watching something on TV and you get triggered or your listening to a song. Everything tends to be a trigger and my living situation is not the best right now for me b/c it's not helping me to truly deal with everything. But, I have nowhere to go, I have no one to talk to. I'm doing my best to trust and have faith but it's so painful. Everyday it's a struggle just to get through the day. It's a struggle to stop myself from looking at my ex and say, "i love you" or give him a kiss, ask for a hug b/c I've had a rough day. I have to keep myself from telling him I miss him. I finally saw the pastor yesterday and he told me that while I am loving God, and loving everyone else, I'm not loving myself. That I have had so much time focusing on "we" that I can't focus on "me". That's truly hard for someone that has never been alone her entire life. I've always been in a relationship, I've never been alone. I'm terrified of being alone, yes b/c I need companionship but also b/c the world is a scary place. I've always feared something bad would happen to me. Robbed, raped, you name it, I've thought about it. So I've never been alone. Ever...I don't want to be alone and I just don't understand. I'm not pursuing any relationships that's for sure....but the pain...it just makes me so angry. I have feelings of hate and I'm not that type of person. I've dropped 3 more lbs too...I've been sick, stuck in the bathroom quite a lot. My mom says I'm killing myself slowly. That my body is just going to give up one day at the rate I'm going. I'm not doing it on purpose. Honestly I'm not. I'm just lost, confused, praying, hoping, but today was just not a good day. I need all the prayers I can get b/c I need the strength to release myself from this torment. I need to get on with my life.