Christianity Oasis Forum

[vahn]

Hey brother

If you are anything like me , I know how I disliked (with a vengeance) when some people said things like " I "understand" where you're at , I went through that myself " or worse , "I know how you feel" right ? ... as if someone's "understandin" or knowledge of my feelings gonna do me any good .

I know how I felt , when going THROUGH the whole process , I mean every single day was just like the other that passed , the same thing , nothing new , I mean I could even tell at what time I am to be hearing what , and my answers to them , and you know the rest right ? ... Mental ping-pong game , and then , it becomes reality , like -YOU ! no , You ! no YOU !! on and on .

It wasn't until I got tired of the same song and dance on a daily basis that I finally said , "you know ? , this ain't worth it ! I got a better life than this , and I'm sure God has better plans for me as well , and I am missing out on everything because of someone's nit-picking and dragging their woes all over my living room !!" and I turned to her and said "Here ! you want it ? Take it ! EVERYTHING !! house , car boat , dog , ... oh by the way .. Don't forget the BILLS too !" I just hopped in my truck and done !! That was the longest sigh of relief I had ever taken . The next time I saw her was when the judge was telling her she can't afford to keep all that all by herself , and besides they were never hers to begin with !

Yes , I did end up losing everything because of all that anyway , and even ended up homeless and penniless in a totaly weirdest state in this country , Ohio ! , but you know what brother ? I woke up and I said good morning God , what can I do for you today , and here I am typing you .
Thank you for your post brother . just when we think our stories would amount to nothing , dont forget about me , you helped me tremendously today brother . So you see ? Its not all in vain .


luv ya
In Christ , our Lord
vahn

[Christnundrconstruxn]

HEY Brother Vahn!!
It was SOOO good to hear from you, it does not bother me as much about people saying those things like understanding, or been there
BUT as for your other comment yes, everyday is just that...another day
same stuff, same feelings.
I done the same thing when I left, I walked out with my clothes, when we met I had it together with a 4 bedroom house fully furnished that was mine (once I would have paid the bank off) LOL. but we moved, the loans was changed to her and we bought another house only to get in deeper than we could deal with, so that is how that part went.
but as for the other part of my mistake in life...the biggest part was I got addicted to porn and I think it was because I was starving for something from her that I wasn't getting so I tried to supplement...well that got worse until I did the unforgivable (in a humans mind anyway) I know our Lord has forgiven me because I asked, and I think the one that was affected most by my actions has forgiven me but others have condemned me, my wife being one but many others also and myself included, I say I have forgiven myself but then I fall back to hating where I am in life so I tend to beat myself up for what I say is forgiven.
As for where you ended up I could think of more weird places
Ohio is my birth place and I will probably die here, much rather be some other places but that's the way it is "the heart of it all".
As for me helping you, I don't know how but I do feel honored if I did because you and that beautiful lady that you are sharing life with now are what gives me hope that someday I can be happy with a woman that loves me whole heartily, I know I shouldn't be this way but that is what I need in my life, just as I need the Lord I need a good woman to need me.
Again thank you SO much for your reply, Please remember something I thought of on Valentines day (of all days) "LOVE LIKE YOU NEVER HAVE, BECAUSE YOU MAY NEVER AGAIN"
God bless you both
Cuc

[Christnundrconstruxn]

hi everyone sorry it has been awhile since I have posted anything or even replyed to any postings
I still been having my moments of satan telling me I belong to him and nothing in me will ever change....let me say first and foremost....I HATE THAT!!!
God sees something in me (I ask Him almost daily what it is) so if He isn't going to give up neither am I!!
I continue to bounce back and forth between good and bad and that discourages me to the point I think how can God want me? I cannot even stick to my guns for His purpose, I give in to the flesh because the flesh AND mind is weak.
I was searching around and stumbled onto this posting and it all flooded back and that hurt like...real bad
but it also reminded me when I almost gave in...satan almost won he was ssssssssooooo close but God said........NO!!!!
this was a posting from the question "how did you find Oasis"

I hope I can write this, it was 20 days after the worst day of my life.
I had destroyed my marriage of 13+ years and was at rock bottom
I was thinking stupid thoughts hating myself and this world and was begging and I mean outright screaming to God for Him to take me I didn't want to be here anymore!! I am so thankful suicide is a sin because that is all that stopped me even my kids memories wouldn't do it actually if nothing else that was pushing it more. But I wanted to make any and every effort to fix what I destroyed so at this time I was seeing 2 pastors and couldn't afford counseling so I did a search for free online counseling and my Lord sent me here I done the counseling steps and went through some of the other counseling that pertained to my nightmare and was feeling pretty good BUT satan stepped back in and tried once again to lead me away by me going back to my old ways after my wife made it clear she did not want to try and save our marriage BUT the Lord reached out and grabbed me again now I'm still stumbling but I have my eyes and mind set on the Lord and I have come back to my Oasis family and soon plan to restart the steps.
this site is a blessing and I don't want to think where I would be if I didn't have the encouragement that I have received on here, skrubby, mlg, pine, bluebird,momof3,lizzie,realtmg,cubby,tam,wisperingsprings and I'm sure I missed a few but you know who you are, I am very blessed to have been brought here by our Lord and met you ALL!!
God bless
Christnundrconstruxn = Cuc

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Hello all,
I don't know where to start....been trying to get the old house cleaned out, wife pretty much just quit going over there after moving and left it a mess, I couldn't do that so I have been going in and cleaning alittle here and there plus I sold a couple items on a website that I left and didn't have room for and in turn found a couple from out of town that came and bought 2 items so I let them go through the house and get anything they needed and we prayed together before they left now the bad part of that I got the pappers in the mail about the court date of the bankrupcy so I guess I will soon know if the loan company will choose to come after me or not, I'm praying for God's ways to be done and I am given the same chance as her to start all over from scratch.
since I have been in the house I am currently in I have had to deal with thieves stealing from me 4-5 times in a year but the last one caused me to explode no I mean EXPLODE!!!
about a month ago I had a storm door that my dad gave me to install on the back of this house (rental but I try to do things for myself because I get such a good deal on the rent) I came home from work one day it was gone SCRAPPERS NO DOUBT!!! so then yesterday I get a phone call from my 17 year old daughter scared to death she tells me the front doors standing open when she got up from bed I tell her GO TO YOUR ROOM lock the door call 911, she does they check nothing found so we can't figure out how when she checked it earlier the door was standing open and no way the wind blowed it open, SO now I am fuming mad someone has scared my baby girl half to death and she's alone with my 3 month old grandbaby so I try to reassure her by telling her I would stay on the phone until her mom got there but she insisted she was alright now so I told her I was coming out to thier house to do some things I felt needed done to "secure" things a little better... SO I leave work and stop by MY place to get the needed tools for the jobs at hand ONLY to find.....they struck AGAIN!!! they stole a wrought iron patio set out of my back yard YES wrought iron HEAVY yes BACK YARD!!! table and 4 chairs IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!!!!! I exploded I slung gravel and words I have prayed the Lord would take from my vocabullary and even the worst yes I used His name in a way I HATE!!!
so I gained control of myself and went out to thier house to finish what needed done
I just don't know how much more I can take before I lose it on someone, I try to do what is right and be right by others, giving what I have to give and being how I wished to be treated by them only to have satan attack me any way he can!!
then after all of this we are talking of church (wednesday service) and I said yes I wanted to go and my wife and youngest daughter was going but my oldest I could tell something was wrong well finally my youngest spoke up and said the oldest didn't feel good and didn't want to go BUT didn't want to stay home by herself....... GRRRRRRRRRR they have her scared to death!!!!! here she was ready to go to church ONLY because she didn't want to stay home by herself even though she felt bad, my son ended up staying home with her, but I later found out that none of them slept well (if at all) because of this GRRRRRRR.
Please know I went to the Lord and asked no begged for His forgiveness for how I acted AND the words I said and I ask something I probably shouldn't have but I ask that He show his judgement on these people and told Him that as for right now I cannot forgive them but I would work on it, I know I have done a lot of wrong and deserve my punishment BUT my little girl does NOT deserve to be scared to go to sleep or be in her own home by herself!!
So please I'm coming to my Oasis family asking for you to pray for my forgiveness of this and release from satans hold so I can continue to heal myself and be what our Lord put me here to be instead of this FILTHY monster I've let satan create and that you also pray for my daughter to be at peace knowing she is in Gods hands and that He will protect them all from this person and any other harm
God bless all
Cuc

[Dora]

My heart goes out to you. You've been a dear friend and such an encouragement to me. Praying for Gods blessings and protection for you and yours.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

THANK YOU SISTER PINE
Isn't it awesome how He works in us that even when we feel inferior and not worth much He shows us that we are worth more than we know
You also have been my inspiration and have shown me what it means to be loved as God does...unconditionally
(wiping tears) I don't want to think of where I would be had it not been for God leading me here to meet such AWESOME people!!!!
God bless you sis
Cuc

[Dora]

Love you brother. God is good. He knew so many would be needing a place like this to land. And guided us here.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

first I want to say if I have said anything wrong EVER to ANYONE here I am VERY sorry, sometimes I say things and mean them a certain way but it is taken in a way I did NOT mean (this happened alot in my marriage).

I was on here earlier today and tried to ignore something and pretend it wasn't bothering me BUT.....
I had a dream last night that really bothered me, I don't have dreams/nightmares that I remember since I was younger.
with that said please KNOW my wife was not the type to cheat so I don't have any feelings of that and the breakup was ALL my doings and fault, things happened that I knew she would have to process before we could move forward....but we never did...it ended instead.
I have failed at everything I ever attempted, education, buying a house, relationships galore, raising my kids, and finally my marriage.
This is the dream=

We was in the house I lived in when we met, it was like I was invisible at first
She had this other guy there, I couldn’t see his face but as they talked I noticed she was doing like a check list if you want to call it that but it was a agreement of how things would be like “I won’t do that, this is what I want, you can’t do this” type of stuff, I looked at my oldest daughter and said he has a lot better chance than me and her reply was oh yea
Then I noticed as I was watching all this I was plunging a hole that was like a drain but it was dirt and as I plunged it water would rise up to the top, this was in the living room, I realized at this point that I lost her to this guy and I started to cry when she came back into the room she looked at me for the first time and asked if I needed her to hold my hand as I continued to cry as I plunged this dirt hole in the living room floor she then left with this other man and got into a little white sports car.

I woke up crying and spoke out to the Lord that “I wished I could just wake up and find our breakup all a bad nightmare”…..but it’s not

I have no idea what this all means, but I wonder if it is she doesn’t want me any more but I keep wanting to do even the dirtiest job trying to show her I will go through hell or high water to make things right between us only to have her coldly shun me because she does not love me anymore, I kept lying to myself and others and telling myself that I don’t love her anymore but it’s not true you don’t spend 14 years with someone and just stop loving them, I know some of this is the loneliness and just wanting her to be in my arms even just for a little while.
I’m so tired and want to quit, I am back to where I was 14 and a half months ago when I begged for the Lord to take me from this earth, I hate life right now the way it is
I know the Lord is my only hope right now but that is what scares me, I am one that can’t be alone, I use to do it as a teen more than I should have but now I can’t take it and it’s not a matter of a dog or cat or friends even it’s the companionship and I have NOT had any sort of it since we separated and it’s starting to wear on me
please pray for me and forgive my ways

[lizzie]

aww brother, i cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. even if someone has been through a seperation in their marriage, i believe that even they will not ever really know what YOU are going through as these experiences are as unique as the people involved.

All we have is what God has given us. This moment in time. Who knows if the one after that will be ours? Take it moment by moment and know that God's grace is truly sufficient.

You have not failed at those things you listed. Just because it didnt turn out as you hoped, doesnt make you a failure. It makes you a imperfect person living in an imperfect world with a whole buncha other imperfect people (points to self).

Pick yourself up my friend. God will give you the strength to stand and stay standing.

Look to your future, what part of your past can you change? Tomorrow is a new day my dear brother. Quitting is not an option.

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Ok it's been a while since I posted here, good news though I posted my dream in another spot and got some awesome input from a few people so I wish to thank them here also.
sorta, pine, lisa, dema, angeltears, mack and steve you all are awesome thank you!!

Now for my post
I have taken my vacation to spend time with my (son) kids if the girls decide to come over, so all next week I'm WORK FREE!!! well at least not any work for my employer
I spent today getting pics and stuff together for a presentation of our food pantry to one of the (big) local companies that wants to help the area food bank which inturn will help our pantry, and yours truly offered to put it together
no seriously I wanted to do it and enjoyed the finished product, and while that was being put together on the kitchen table I was baking brownies and ham w/diced taters for another friend and his church, we are going to put this dinner together for the homeless in the area, we are going to pick them up feed them and take them back, so I have to take 4 more pics for the food bank pres. at church in the morning then go to this dinner at the other church then go back home to finish the presentation board for our church for monday morning......I think I need to go back to work so I can get a break
honestly I enjoy doing it and I know this is worth more than any amount of money for work that doesn't come close to having the meaning this all has.
Ok bed time so I ask for your prayers and to know that you all are in mine.
May God bless and keep you all.
Cuc

[Christnundrconstruxn]

Sorry it's been a while, but here I am just as I posted in my earlier posting just wondering...is this it Lord is this what I have to look forward to every day?
I must tell you all I did get the presentation board done for our pantry and purchased a couple of shelves to put into the pantry for the food that is barely coming in.
As for the dinner we did for our homeless brothers and sisters it turned out well and we sent ALL the leftovers back with them when it was over so it was a meal with friends and some worship time and then gave them all that was left as we took them back to thier camps.
And the homeless ministry we are doing down south in chilli Oh has started to grow but we are connecting with less fortunate instead of homeless but if that is where God leads us then so be it.
Now as for me.....I'm just here, it's as I said before even when I'm into these things that I want to do for God I still cannot help but feel lost, empty, a waste.
I did some thinking the other day and realized something that I wished I hadn't, PLEASE accept my appologies if I offend anyone but I am going to be a little blunt.
there was always a few things I feared in my life, first and foremost BEING ALONE next (this is what I was refuring to) being unable to perform or to not have some one to be with as one (sorry don't know how to word it) and third losing my kid's love and respect, and these last ones are the only ones not to have come true so far but dying alone and not being what I need to be in Gods eyes and being condemned to hell, now I know I am in control of these but you know how it is said the flesh is weak well in this case I feel the flesh (and mind) is out of control strong, I know what is right and what I need to do BUT doing it is a whole different ball game it reminds me of a little baby that knows when you say NO and looks at you and you again say NO they stop look at what ever it is their not supposed to touch and look at you.... and touch it anyway. I just wish I could deal with these issues and be what I am supposed to be but I cannot help but feel abandoned by my wife and that hurts because I know in my heart there is NOTHING that would have come between us if she was remorseful for things done, I just wish I could move on and put a end to the questions and file for divorce and find someone that would have that same loyalty to me and be happy for once before leaving this earth.
I know I should not put this much on a earthly realationship BUT that IS who I am and always have been, that's what I don't understand, I feel like the qualities that should help me hurt me, I am a feelings type of guy, I always try to think of her, I try to do those sweet little things most guys forget, I am somewhat a clean freak (lol my house is probably cleaner than some single women's houses) and for someone with my issues usually is a one night stand type or can't be trusted type heck I have been seperated for almost a year and a half and have not even had a date let alone anything further.
I know this is the way God wants me to be but I just wish I had someone, I have all of you and some family and one MAYBE two (that's pushing it though) friends but you could give me those all ten times over and I would still be as lonely as I am now, it's just not the same thing, and God knows this about me and yet for some reason is allowing me to suffer this lonelyness for a reason, as I said earlier I know I should not place this kind of dependancy on anyone other than God but also as I said earlier the right woman by my side lifting me up and making me feel the way I need to as far as being needed and wanted....and just there to share life with and hold

[mlg]

Hi cuc I hear so many of the things I thought in the first couple of years after I left my ex and was "alone". It took me a little while to get over having someone there...the presence is what you miss more than anything. In fact, I'll share something with you I haven't shared with anyone that I can think of. I actually sleep with pillows on both sides of me. It makes me feel like there's someone beside me. It's hard sleeping alone after those first few years of someone holding you ever night...and honestly it's been 8 years for me now..and I still sleep with the pillows. Sometimes we have to find things to comfort us...not saying God isn't my comfort or yours...because He knows I turn to Him always when I need a friend to listen or to talk to....but I also understand where you are coming from...it's a matter of knowing someone cares and will be there when you get home. But I also know this...God provides us with what we need...when we need it...and I'm sure if it's His will and He knows your needs...He'll bring you a new friend...but it's in His timing...and right now...I see you still going through the healing process...so be patient...let God finish the healing...and then He can bring someone new into your life.

Prayers for you.

luv ya