Christianity Oasis Forum

[vahn]

It's funny that I worried and debated more about this weekend conference than I did about the step of faith it took to stay here

I had to smile about that one ... Why ? I don't know ... maybe I misspelled senile or something .

Isn't that what we do with any changes that we have to go through to step closer to our Lord-directed goals ? ... Staying where we are is always more comfortable than to step into something different .



Luv ya
In Christ , our Lord
vahn

[kimby]

Isn't that what we do with any changes that we have to go through to step closer to our Lord-directed goals ? ... Staying where we are is always more comfortable than to step into something different .

I would typically agree with you, Vahn.
In this instance staying was the less comfortable choice though. If I hadn't stayed I would have returned to a secure job that I had held for ten years before moving here, coworkers I got on great with, and a steady paycheck. Staying meant a coworker who loathed me, living by faith with no income, and giving up the position being held for me in the states.
It was the right decision...just not the easy, obvious, or logical one.

[kimby]

Before I got out of bed this morning, before a million things could distract me, I spent some time with Him. I talked to Him, but more importantly, I listened.

He took me to a picture from my past, that though I have done all I know to do, still bothers me some. He stood in front of it and kept saying, "I died to take away the shame of this." At first I wanted to tell Him that I knew that...but then realised, if He felt the need to stand there and keep repeating it, did I really?

I think I did know, but, I wasn't allowing it. To me the shame was protective. It surrounded, it kept me safe, it kept others from seeing.

"I died to take away the shame of this." It wasn't an informative statement. It was one of supplication....of asking me not to let what He did be in vain. So I allowed it, finally, to be removed...fully and completely takan away. Dd I feel exposed and afraid? Oh my yes! But I remembered someone telling me when something old goes to ask Him to fill that spot.

As soon as I did, His love swept over me, wave upon wave, until I relaxed and calmed. When I did, I could sense that there was one place it wasn't going, one place that wasn't being filled. I asked Him. He reminded me of a time a few months ago when He asked for access through the walls around my heart. He broke down just enough to go in and remove things that didn't need to be there. He reminded me that, aside from that small opening, most of the walls still stood strong. I let Him go to work.

No more shame. No more walls. I am glad I stayed and listened.

[stillstanding]

I'm beginning to really love that feeling The peace and warmth and comfort when He shows me a place I've been still 'hiding' and I give it up for reals.

God bless you blessing upon blessing

[kimby]

It was a year ago today that my dad had his stroke. It is hard to believe it has been so long, because in many ways I feel as if I am still in a holding pattern, still waiting to see what the outcome will be. I guess am stubbornly refusing to believe that this is it...I pray that this isn't it! I still pray and ask for him to be healed and restored, but I am still unable to stick around after that request and hear what His response may be.

I long to hear a yes, but what if its a no? What if I never get my daddy back? I wouldn't have any choice but to accept it, the same as I have accepted the last twelve months. You can't fight reality when it stares you in the face. I would be devestated, but life would go on. It would have to. I am worried more about what a no would do to my relationship with Him. I have never been closer to Him, I don't want this to destroy that. If the answer is no, then I have to wrestle with the whys, the feeling of betrayel and being let down. I will be tempted to throw back at Him the fact that I was thousands of miles away serving Him instead of getting to spend the last year and half of my dad's "life" with him. I will want to challenge Him with the new responsibilities and obligations that it puts on me to be back there instead of serving Him here.

And I will probably pummel Him with questions about why He allowed me to be so stubborn and stupid in the months before it happened. My dad had made me mad. I hadn't spoken to him on the phone in months. I don't do that...ever. I never left their house as an adult without a hug, kiss, and an I love you...because 'what if I never get another chance' always went through my mind. As a child I refused to go to bed without giving them a hug and a kiss, even on those nights one of them was so mad at me that they stood there as unresponsive and stiff as a board. So why? Why after all those years did I choose to be stubborn this time? Sure, my dad had done something I thought wrong...maybe he really did, maybe it was a one-off poor decision, maybe it was just a misunderstanding...but what made me stop asking to talk to him, made my mom stop offering him the phone? I wish I had those months to do over again. I want another chance to tell my daddy I love him and to hear him say it back.

I am afraid a no from Him would destroy me right now, so for the time being I will continue to ask and run.

[deetu]

Ask from within His arms
This is why you have been getting closer to Him

[kimby]

Some things are a process. They just take time.

I always told my students that when I started teaching them long division. I warned them that, unlike a lot of things we did in class, the majority of them wouldn't 'get it' the very first day. It would take time and effort. Did it mean the first day was a waste of time because we didn't arrive at the end result? Did it mean that nothing was accomplished the first day? No. The first day was necessary, work was done, progress was made.

I spent last night in an airport in London which gave me a lot of time to ponder all that happened in the conference I was at this weekend. Initially I was disheartened because it seemed as though I had gone backwards, seemed like I was having to revisit old territory. But in the quiet between overhead warnings not to leave our bags unattended He showed me differently. It is a process. This was the next step.

I think it must be like when you go to wash a window. You scrub until you can't see anymore smudges...and then you step back. Without fail, when you step back enough to see the sun shining through it...you see some spots you missed. The Son is shining in and showing me some spots that have been missed in my life.

[Dora]

How beautiful!

Glad to see you back safe and sound.

You were missed.

God is good.

[kimby]

This has been one of those weeks where it seems like the struggle has been going on for so very long. It seems like it is getting harder not easier. There is part of me saying quit, but another part that has seen the possibility of things being different and won't allow it. I am fighting too many other things to be fighting myself also. I am getting battle weary.

[dema]

A big difficult lesson that I've had over the past years has been - letting go. Just let go and let God. Love yourself. Forgive yourself. And let yourself take a bubblebath - a long one. Two hours even if you water tank will handle it. Read, do puzzles, listen to music. Enjoy.

[kimby]

Haven't posted in awhile...nothing stayed consistent long enough to make note of it.

I remember when I was tall enough to start riding roller coasters...I loved them. Back then most of them followed the same pattern...the ups and downs at the beginning were huge, the ones at the end quite quick and tiny. I feel like I am on a roller coaster that isn't following that pattern at all! I've been at this awhile and it seems like the difference between the ups and the downs is so big now compared to before. The heights are wonderful, but the drops so much bigger than I expect. I don't love this roller coaster; I want off.

Along with the ups and downs, of course my emotions have been all over the place. Some make sense, some don't. I find myself at times angry and confused over things I thought I had settled. The joy of thinking I have arrived clashes with the hopelessness when i realise once again that, no, I haven't. Thoughts come from nowhere, panic sweeps in unexpectedly and frequently for no reason. But now, this new feeling that is trying to settle....absolute and complete indifference. It scares me, I don't want to not care.

[Dora]

Love you kimby.

I'm glad you are sharing. Brings me a smile. Seeeee

Love you. Wait I already said that. Well I just love you bunches.