Christianity Oasis Forum

[quietlylistening]

Dear Kimsterooni
I know exactly what you feel.
everything i write i end up deleating.. Just dont have the courage... And i dont have a clue why i shouldnt just put it out there.
or maybe i do.... I trusted befor and was hurt so... Just give me a chance..... I feel like im getting ready to do the high dive for the first time.
anyhoo i know how you are feeling.
anyhoo.
Love, Martha

[kimby]

The past week has been....interesting. Though much of it wasn't pleasant, I can't say it was bad because I learned some things. I can't call it a total waste if I grew from it, can I?

I would like to blame the hardness on everything that went wrong, but in looking back I think I orchestrated a lot of it all by myself. I am stubborn. Its not like that is something I didn't know before, but this week I saw just how ugly it can make me be.

I didn't like the way things were going, I didn't even much like me by the time the middle of the week rolled around, and yet I was too stubborn to ask for help....even hatefully snubbed His repeated offers. I felt like a little kid....torn between wanting to keep being rotten in an effort to make someone else hurt as much as I did or stopping and crawling into someone's arms and crying because of the hurt.

The good news is that over and over along this journey I have seen that He comforts and cares and loves. That knowing is what finally broke through the stubbornness, the hurt, and frustration. I wanted His arms, and I wanted the hurt to stop.

[Dora]

God is good and will see you through.

I pray for you.

[kimby]

The frustrations of the day have left me near tears. In that place, I could see Him inviting me to come to Him, hear Him calling to me, and I did nothing. I didn't run away, but I didn't run to Him either. I didn't refuse His comfort, but I didn't accept it either. I am not sure I could control the tears if I allowed myself to move towards Him.

I have bit my lip and squared my shoulders enough that, at least temporarily, the emotional crisis has passed. I want to be proud of myself for being strong, but the ache detracts from any feeling of victory.

[kimby]

God's love isn't based on my performance. I don't have to be perfect to keep Him from being angry.

I'm not sure if I stepped backwards or just circled around to end up back at the place where I needed to hear that again. But here I am, and He was good enough to tell me once more.

[dema]

That lesson is so difficult for so many people to learn. And harder to keep.
Hugs.

[kimby]

I woke the other morning with my father on my heart...again desiring for him to be made whole once more. My initial reaction was to start to pray for Him, but almost immediately I stopped. What if nothing changes again? What if there is a setback? As my mind rapidly flipped through these thoughts, I began to think even asking was just too risky...and I felt myself beginning to pull away from Him. I caught it this time though. I saw it happening before it was too late. I stopped. I asked. I would like to say I hung around long enough to hear what He had to say, but....maybe next time.

[kimby]

It used to be one step forward, two steps back..I hope those days are behind me. Now it looks more like two steps forward, one step back. I prefer that ratio.

Somewhere over the weekend I lost the strength to fight. Don't know whether or not I can blame it on being sick and tired, but I felt like my emotions had been hijacked. I could have stayed put and let Him comfort me, but it was easier to step away and ignore Him. In hindsight it probably would have been easier fighting the emotions than the fight I had getting back to Him later.

Seems several things keep coming up lately...things I don't know quite what to do with. The big one being my father. A week from tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of his stroke...and yet, somewhere deep inside I still hold out hope that I will get my daddy back. I am to the place where most of the time, when I think of him, I can ask for him to be healed, but I have yet to be able to stick around to hear what He might want to say about it.

[stillstanding]

Love you sis....press on.

Proverbs 3

...lean not on your own understanding.

not positive why this came to mind, but He knows

[Dora]

I hope you come to the point where you can wait around to listen for the answer.


Love you

[Tam]

Yes sis I am sure being sick was part of the issue here. The enemy likes to attack us when we are at our weakest.
That I am sure you do konw.
Jesus is right there with you still holdin you and keeping you safe from the storms. They they are raging, you will not be harmed. Keep pressing in sis....there are lots of cheerleaders here cheering you and and a big ole bowl of jello waiting for you at the finish line.
YOU CAN DO IT ......I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!
Love ya

[kimby]

Today was a good day. I don't think I acknowledge those often enough.

Spent the morning at a New Wine event...great teaching, amazing time of worship. But beyond all that, I spent time with my Papa, and, for the first time in a long time, I was able to relax in His presence for a few moments. I hope that can happen again.

I took a step of faith today. I booked tickets to England to attend a conference next weekend. I fretted about whether or not it was the right decision, whether or not it was a wise use of limited resources...but now that it is done, I feel good about it. It's funny that I worried and debated more about this weekend conference than I did about the step of faith it took to stay here an additional two years. I wonder why that is.