Christianity Oasis Forum

[dema]

My title isn't quite as good as Pine's Pages, but is better than Dema's Drivel, which was another thought.

I am very thankful to have found this place.

I own my own business. So, on the one hand, I had certain resources that other people don't have. But on the other hand, one bad month for me can be a lot more in the hole than just my own personal living expenses. And sometimes looking at that - well, there have been times when I thought shouldn't I just quit. This is a huge opportunity for learning faith in God.

Actually, there are a lot of lessons that just keep repeating at more and more difficult levels. Like fractions. The complexity of the lessons keep increasing forever - keeps going and going and going.

Faith lessons are like that - there are so many contexts. So many different ways to have faith.

If it's God and not me, then can I stay in bed? Obviously not. Where is my obligation? Is this day a day when I am to be still in Him? Is that the reason the phone isn't ringing? Am I supposed to be thinking of something to do?

The answer is ... God will tell a peaceful heart when something needs done. We need to do what we know to do - and keep our heart open and calm.

Sounds so simple.

[dema]

Today I had an enlightening talk with my husband. It is funny how we can know what the matter is and forget and then wonder what is the matter with us.

Recovery has good days and bad days. I think recovery from anything just about has days when we just need to do the things we would do if we were recovering from surgery or an accident. Read and pray, watch TV, play Sudoku, talk to our friends and the doctor about our recovery. In the case of spiritual recovery, our doctor is The Great Physician.

We need to give ourselves time and patience - sometimes we need to remind ourselves to love ourselves like we love others.

My recovery - mild compared to what some others have gone through. But, you know what? Whether it is the flu or a sprained ankle - we need to let ourselves recover. We need to give ourselves permission to cry and to rest and to hug ourselves and to mend.

Sometimes mending takes watching stupid shows and just being nice to yourself.

My recovery? Well, not one thing and not much was due to my own choices. The big causes of hurt have been removed, but there are a lot of repercussions that are still going on. God is in control.

It is like the analogy I've said a couple of times before - if you get hit by a bus, you might think it wasn't the driver's fault or you may forgive him right away. But the bones that are broken still have to mend. They do.

You can know that they are set and growing straight - but they still have to grow. Some things just cannot be rushed. And broken bones hurt. They just do.

I told my husband that. I told him that I'm not mad at him or anybody else and I know that he hurts also. But, he still has to give me time to mend. Today was a mending day.

[dema]

I had some emotional challenges this weekend. My husband had some issues and I had asked and begged for a divorce and he insisted he would change. Well, he has done that before - 18 years of marriage - and he always did change. But not in the way I requested. He lost 100 lbs one time, we took up ballroom dancing another time..... But, this time he has gone to the cause of his mistreatment. And he is a different person in the right way.

I'm having issues because I have been with this man, and with other situations like owning my own business, for so long that I am not at all the person I was 18 years ago. And while some of the changes are positive - more patience and self-control for example - some aren't. I have been praying for years and years for God to tell me what I want. He keeps asking me what I want and I don't know. I want him to just tell me and I figure then I will be happy. If rejecting God makes us unhappy, then just blindly accepting should make us happy - right?

God released me from my marriage years ago. But he didn't tell me to leave. And when things got really bad - my peace broken - then I would ask for the divorce and my husband would change something. Three times I really thought it was over and had divided up the furniture in my mind. And for years the message from God was, "What do you want?"

And often my answer was, "Just tell me what I want, okay?"

I didn't want to own my own business, but God thrust it on me. And that really has not been pleasant in many respects. But God has grown me enormously and given me opportunities by having kicked me into it. So if God did that when I didn't want it, Why doesn't he tell me what to do when I do?

Actually, he does lead me here and there. He's led me to want my business in a very active way. He's led me here.

Today he was telling me all these positive things that I have done. Reminding me one after another. And I could tell he was blessing me with these memories. And I laughed and said, "I don't deserve this blessing." And he said something - sometimes these moments don't translate well into words - like "But they are true." while agreeing with me that we don't deserve anything.

That he is proud of me and loves me even though the human condition means that inherently I don't deserve his pride in me and his love.

That's why I came down here to write this - I think so many of the people I know here don't want to accept that they do things right. That God could actually be proud of them. I know that you are His special children and that the effort you put forth is worthy of enormous praise. No, we are human and are slugs on the God scale. But, on the scale of our walk here, well, we make God smile. We do.

Little children make so many messes and take so much attention. But we love them soooo much.

Love yourself today.

[dema]

I went to my husband's counsellor yesterday. Very difficult for me. But it was good. She explained that some of my husband's maddening behavior is chemical - that he is extreme ADD/ADHD. He demands total attention and then leaves the room when I am in midsentence. He does this up to dozens of times in a day.

[dema]

I would appreciate a response. If I have this thing locked, it is untentional and I would appreciate being told how to unlock it. Thanks.

I'm struggling in my marriage right now. Appreciate prayers.

[xxJILLxx]

Hello Dema,

Prayers are with you. Through my research of ADD i found a few things that might apply to your situation and would like to share what i found and hope that they may bring you some relief and insight.

Typically, one focuses on the negative behavior without realizing that there are positive traits behind those behaviors. The day-dreamer or forgetful one tends to be quite imaginative. The impulsive one tends to have a burden to get things done. The hyperactive person tends to have ample energy that can be turned to benefit others. Therefore, it is important that such individuals be considered for what part they play in the body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:11-26).

The behaviors above are considered signs of wisdom and maturity, or the lack thereof. Redirect the attention and energy of individuals with ADD

Helping the individual develop a servant's heart. (Philippians 2:3-4).

Helping the individuals control their own thinking. Those who wrestle with fantasy can be encouraged to think on those things that are true.

Helping the individuals to renew their minds as to what God teaches about their behaviors
Helping the individuals to establish structure. Too often we give people a pass

[Dora]

She's going to work with his ADD medication - but then they have to train them out of the habit. It is a convenient habit - make other people listen to you when you don't listen to them.

How does he get trained out of this habit?

love ya

[angelbaby]

Typically, there are strategies that a counselor can teach to help offset (train) to reduce this habit. Often times, these are used in the classroom as teachers. Medication is a help, but it will not completely take away all symptoms. There has to been a balance between medication and cogntive//behavioral counseling. A person is capable of doing extemely well if the person accepts the help. It sounds like from what Dema has told her husband is getting the help he needs.

[dema]

Thanks. And I sure hope and pray that you are correct and that he is going to get better. I'm done wore out.

[Dora]

You are so strong. I'm impressed. Perhaps this is your cross to carry.

Gods good and perfect will be done. May He bring you strength and peace.

[Mackenaw]

Hello Dema

God bless you this day.

Prayers rising to our Lord on behalf of you and your husband. May God's blessed will be done.

Would you be kind enough to share with us what attracted you to your husband and made you fall in love with him, initially.

God bless and keep you, Dema.
Love,
Mack

[dema]

He lost 60 lbs twice - the first time for him, the second for me. (Total of 100 lbs - gained 20 in between.)

He began swimming - which is wonderful for his ADD. He got kicked out of several pools for insisting that people shower. Someone drowned in the pool he goes to now, so they decided to listen to him. He loves being listened to.

I think of codependence as being self-perpetuating. He keeps stepping up to higher and higher goals.

The thing is, that what I want is peace and not having blows to my self-esteem. I didn't ask him to lose weight or to do a lot of other things that I probably haven't mentioned - that are great things - but I just wanted peace in my home. And I still want it.

And along the way, he unprofessed Christ. Said he didn't think he'd ever been a Christian. I wouldn't have married him if he'd said that at first. And he knows I feel that way and that hurts him.

And along the way of the abuse, God gave me permission to leave - he didn't say, "Go". He said I was free to choose.

Long answer.