Christianity Oasis Forum

[Guest]

I have been reflecting, meditating, studying, and researching while waiting for God's bus to gas-up. It has been an eye opening experience, and He has given me many helpful sources of information and insights. This is my attempt to synthesize all of this and bring it to some sort of equilibrium. I'm a very analytical and verbal person, so if it gets to tedious or convoluted, click-out. Its basically for me anyway, but maybe some are also struggling with this issue . . . . . . anyway, here goes . . . . . .

I am co-dependent and I am selfish. Now this is seemingly contadictory, but actuality if one understands the true nature of co-denpency, not true. Traditionally, co-dependents are "caretakers" to an extreme. They go to great lengths to see that the needs of others are attended to at the cost of neglecting their own. Initially this condition was applied to spouse / family members of alcoholic or addicted people. It has since become a panacea for all types of dysfunctional relationships. Now, what is wrong with giving. As a Christian I am taught to give of myself, put others first, love unconditionally. I have always considered myself a giving, caring person and have even spoken about the "agape" love I have for my wife.

I do believe I have a measure of this agape love, but it is imperfect. You see, often times when I am giving, my secret agenda is to have my own needs met both overt and covert. On the overt level, I give love because I expect it back. This is sinful. On the covert level, and I believe this is even more destructive, I give love because I believe that I am not really worthy of it in and of myself. It is a deep seated belief that the only way I can ever be loved is if I do something to "earn" it. I am so insecure and needy, that I attempt to give and give and give - not out of the heartfelt desire to love, but because I so desperately need to be loved. Of, course this is a trap, because in my co-dependent mind, no one gives, or loves and much as me. . . . . . and mabye this is true. . . . . . . my needs are so great that I greatly give so I can greatly receive. But, how does this affect the person I am giving to. It sets both of us up for failure. They can never "give" back enough, and I become hurt and resentful. An angry martyr who is not appreciated, respected, or honored. Selfish, selfish, selfish. Now granted, there are people in my life who sometimes take advantage of my giving nature, who wouldn't, they are only Human. But, consider the plight of a troubled, struggling spouse who is trying to cope with her problems and doing the best she can to reciprocate (at least in her mind, and remember, perception is reality). It is never enough. The result on her part is guilt, shame, and fear. . . . . . the same feelings that have put her into the darkness to begin with. I often times am really not serving another, I am serving myself. This most of the time is not done consciously, but that is no excuse. Especially now that it has been exposed. God's Word teaches me that I am loved by God unconditionally and saved by Grace, not by works. Correspondingly, I should love others out of love for God, not because I need their approval, acceptance, or reciprocal love. All of my self-esteem needs should be met by the Lord, not by people. This is very difficult, but to the extent that I condition my love on these needs being met by thoses I love, I damage both them and myself. I also dishonor God.

[kimby]

Wow! So much wisdom contained in there. You may have intended it to help you to process it all, but I think many of us have a lot to learn from what you said. Thank you for sharing.

[momof3]

wow! Isnt this the way we often see God's love? We have to earn it? I know that Ive been trapped by that lie many times. Have you read the Love Dare? My brother in Christ, we are all born selfish..and the true intentions behind what we do are not hidden from Jesus. What you have written here describes sooooooo many. Read the Love Dare book, my brother. There is a healthy, godly love that He instills within us. You do have it within you cuz He is within you. None of us completely understands it nor are we capable of living it perfectly...but, read the book. Let the Holy Spirit show you some things. Keep up the good race...you are doing an awesome job and i believe the Lord is speaking to many through what He is showing you. Keep trusting Him.

prayers are with you.

In Jesus,
luv momo