Christianity Oasis Forum

[kimby]

I was always an easy going child, eager to please and even-tempered. That isn't always the adult that I am. Oh, don't get me wrong, to most people it looks like that is exactly the kind of adult I am, but truth is something far different. I generally don't let people see that I am angry or the results of that rage. I thought it was all under control. Turns out I was the one under its control.

That anger had me convinced it had every right to be there. Not only that, I believed I needed it. My fear was that if the anger wasn't there other emotions would sweep in, emotions not as easily 'controlled.' It had me convinced it was a friend. And for that reason I welcomed it and nurtured it.

Jesus asked for it tonight. Sometimes I am not quite sure what He is saying to me. This time there was no doubt. He wanted it. I had to keep reminding myself of the lesson learned last night: "He is good." It was only in light of that, that I became willing to let Him take the rage and anger.

And as for my fear? There wasn't room for other emotions to rush in. He filled those newly emptied spots Himself.

[deetu]

evil is sneaky...doesn't want you to see
so great you are

[momof3]

Hi Kimby

It is so awesome when the Holy Spirit shows us those things we are holding on to that keep us distanced from Him...God is so very good. Keep going sis..He has so much to show you, and so much He wants to do within your soul and spirit. God bless you!

in Jesus,
luv momo

[Dora]

I praise God for the wonderful work He is doing with in you! It is so beautiful.

[kimby]

I already know...words are going to be so inadequate here today. But if I had to choose just a couple...

Freedom and love. Jesus showed me both tonight.

I had no idea how good freedom would feel, no idea!

And to look in His face and see love and know it was for me....He loves me. I didn't know. I really didn't know.

[Mackenaw]

Awwwwwwwwww, Amen, Amen and Amen!!!

God bless and keep you, Kimby.
Love,
Mack

[kimby]

It is like a rollercoaster ride that never stops. Well, I for one want off!!

I thought I had it, I finally thought I had it. Jesus did so much in me the other night, I know He did. He cleaned out and filled up. He touched me and I felt free. More importantly I looked in His face and saw love...for me. Love, not anger, disgust, hatred, repulsion. Not things I expected to be there, but love.

I looked forward to the next study. I wanted to do a good job and make Him proud of me. I didn't want the love on His face to go away or change to disappointment or disapproval. So I tried, so hard, to do well. I tried to be strong and get through it. I tried. It wasn't enough. I needed Him, but because I feared what I would see on His face I kept my distance. And when He pointed it out, I hid, I fought, I was rude to Him. He came to me despite all that...and again He lifted my head so I would look in His face...and still the love was there. Why? Sometimes I think it would be easier if He would just treat me as I deserve. I feel like that is what I am waiting for. I want it over with so I know His breaking point.

I didn't reach it last night at least. When the hurt inside was too bad, I asked Him to hold me just for a bit, and He did.

I am disappointed with myself and frustrated. I wanted to do good for Him and ended up doing the opposite and have no idea how to make up for it or fix it or make sure it doesn't happen again. I can't keep messing up, I don't want the love to go away. I want to do well so that I can know when I look at His face what will be there.

[deetu]

I am disappointed with myself and frustrated. I wanted to do good for Him and ended up doing the opposite and have no idea how to make up for it or fix it or make sure it doesn't happen again. I can't keep messing up, I don't want the love to go away. I want to do well so that I can know when I look at His face what will be there.

Kimby... there are so many twisted truths in this statement.
You are disappointed in yourself...you were forgiven so believe.... let it go.
You wanted to do good for Him...but He wanted to do it WITH you....let it go.
You don't know how to make up for it... you don't need to...He still loves you...let it go.
You don't know how to fix it... you already did...need to not listen to the lies...let it go.
You can keep messing up! Because He will always love you...His love won't go away...let it go.
You need to believe that you can always look at His face... that is the big lie evil tries to keep you from... so that lie you really need to let go.

Evil will try to keep you kimby... there is that tug of war going on over you right now. Think about it a second. If the enemy is trying this hard to keep you, you must be doing something right.

You are doing great in the study...yes, you are. Too many years to work thru
Keep looking to Jesus... not be afraid of Him and evil will not win.

[ciny]

Hi Kimby i just want to encourage you to keep going you are growing in the Lord dont quit belive in your self and belive that God has forgiven you
i had a hard time this week to its helps me to praise God and reaching out to others takes the focus of me just something for you to think about
you can praise God in your pain and its will melt away and you will see healing. there is a hope and a future for us Kimby.

Jerhmiah 29:11 for i know the thoughs i think tword you says the Lord thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you a future and a hope.

you do have a future and a hope i am praying for you Kimby

[realtmg]

amen ciny!

[kimby]

Why do I keep hiding from Him? I give up one hiding spot only in favour of another. What am I hiding from? Why is the fear of Him so big? Why the panic, the terror? Where is all this from!? What is paralysing me? What is it that roots me to this spot? Those are the answers I need and yet those are the answers I am afraid to find.

[kimby]

I am so grateful for second chances...and third, and fourth, and ninty-ninth...
He hasn't written me off yet. It doesn't seem to matter what I do or what I've done. He still keeps coming to me and stretching out His hand. I think I am getting quicker to take it...at least I hope I am. My mind has started to figure out that there is nothing to fear with Him...I wish it could communicate that to my heart, because when I see that hand extended my initial reaction is still panic. I still want to hide. But everytime I allow Him to take my hand, I see through the lies a little better.
I wanted to quit yesterday. I didn't want to do another day of this. But in the end I couldn't stay away. I am glad I didn't.
Last night Jesus and I went for a walk. He'd tried before, but I wasn't willing. I didn't know what I was missing. It seems like I say that everytime I finally stop fighting and go along with Him. Jesus took me to see His father. I thought it would be awful, but He didn't seem to be angry or hate me either. I am not as scared of Him as I was before.
I learned two things last night. First, the lies are only really strong when I hide and try to keep my distance. When I am close, they aren't as hard to deal with. The other thing I learned was how quickly walls can go up between Him and I. It doesn't take much at all.