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Depressed, Defeated & Confused
by Guest » Sun Aug 08, 2010 11:45 pm
My heart is heavy, I feel mostly numb inside. It's been 4 years, but the Lord finally poked a hole in my "wall" and some of His light has shined through. I can only hope that He tears it all down before I have a chance to board it back up!
I don't even know where to start. There are so many things that have led me up to this point and to this site. I guess what is foremost is my contemplation of leaving my husband. We have been together 15 years, married for 9. We have a beautiful two year old.
I have endured many years of downright emotional abuse from my husband. The abuse has mostly subsided in the last 3 years. It has probably been due to God's work. I still endure my husband's disrespect and ongoing criticism towards me and controlling behaviors. For most of those years of abuse, I was utterly devastated by his treatment of me. I could not understand how he would profess to love me and treat me so horribly. I loved him more than I loved myself. I would do anything in my power to make him happy and pleased with me. I would try harder and harder and fail miserably. I battled ongoing depression during this time and felt suicidal. I felt worthless and miserable.
I would ask him why he would treat me with such disgust and like a piece of crap? I would ask him why he would never treat his mother this way, so why treat me this way? I would tell him how his words were like daggers in my heart. I would ask what I ever did to deserve such treatment? I always tried to reason with him, to be the calm voice, try to set the example. That is what a good Christian does, right? Every so often, I would lash out at him in defense, just to get the onslaught of words to STOP coming at me! No amount of rational thought or calmness ever seemed to phase him.
At one point he was telling me to get the H*ll out of his life! I was too stupid to listen. I could not even fathom the meaning of what he said. I was in such disbelief, I refused to listen to those words. Now I look back and wish to God I had run far, far away and saved myself! I remember those years of crying out to God, pleading with Him, begging Him to make it stop. To help me be the "good wife".
I'm truly sad and feel like I have wasted so many years of my life with a person who seems incapable of being in a healthy, loving, kind relationship. I feel like a horrible mother bringing my child into this unloving family. She doesn't deserve it. I hate myself for not recognizing the signs sooner. I grew up with abusive parents and felt like I had been cut free from hell when I moved out and never imagined I would not recognize abuse when it stared me in the face again. I now realize that is typical of abused children. I thought I would have been wiser. But, my husband's abuse has a different "flavor" and I didn't recognize for what it was until many, many years later.
I'm tired of the control over my life that he has. I was contemplating the other day ways that I have changed because of the negative impact. Ways that I'm different and decisions that I would otherwise make differently if it were not for his influence. He controls all of the money, especially now that I'm staying home with daughter. When I was working I attempted to open up a separate banking acct just so I could have the freedom to go out to lunch or buy myself a new outfit or whatever without his scrutinizing eyes approving or disapproving of my purchases. Somehow he managed to gain access to this acct and gone went that freedom.
I used to be extremely forgiving and generally positive even through all these years, although I routinely struggled with depression. Even towards my parents, I was forgiving. I felt sorry for them that they felt the need to abuse their children. I excused their bad behavior. I felt badly about their troubled childhood and emotional baggage they brought into and through their adulthood. I imagined that they must feel terribly guilty for how they treated their children, not having any self-control. I remember getting angry from time to time, but it never lasted long and I always ended up forgiving them. I loved my parents, even if they treated me badly. I took this same pattern into my marriage. I loved my husband more than anything. No matter the angry outbursts, the mud-slinging the slick way he managed to turn every argument into my fault. The way he would withhold sex as punishment towards me, reducing me to further tears as I would beg him for his affection. I would often blame myself and convince myself that I just needed to try harder to win his approval and affection. If I just didn't do "x" or if I did "y" like he asked, then these problems wouldn't exist. I now recognize this as a typical behavior in response to abuse. But, yet, I still forgave.
Now, 15 year later, I just came out of a year-long hate-fest towards my husband. I hated him so much I could just spit venom. I didn't realize a scowl had become my permanent expression until hubby said something about it. This rage and anger started to swell up inside me and consumed me. I became ugly inside and out. I actually went to a counselor to try to talk through some of the issues because I had no one else to go to. The anger lessened but did not go away. I could not stand who I was becoming because of the anger inside of me. I am feeling better and not nearly as angry, but my heart is hardened towards my husband and I don't know if I love him anymore.
We have not had sex for more than 2 years. I used to be the one that was "hot in the pants", begging my husband for sex. Now, I can't stand to be touched by him. He gives me a kiss at night and kiss before he leaves the house, but I have never so much as initiated anything, not even a kiss. I have never felt this way ever in our relationship. At first, people told me it was because I was breastfeeding, but that ended 18 months ago. I have no sexual desire. I even went to the doctor to see if there was something physically wrong, like a hormonal imbalance, but nothing.
I am faced with the prospect of completely starting over. I would have to find a job in this terrible economy without a college education. I would have to put my daughter in daycare. Our standard of living would certainly drop considerably. The thought of even bringing up potential separation/divorce with my husband is the scariest thing I've ever contemplated. I am truly fearful of his response. If living with is bad, I can't imagine the misery he would try to put me through if we were separated. I imagine the Mt Rushmore of rage would come bursting out straight at me!
I feel so god-awful terrible about bringing my daughter into this mess. I feel like a failure not being able to provide a loving, stable home for her. I feel like such a screw up here. How could I have let this happen????? How did I even get pregnant??? I had not been on any form of birth control for 3 years and yet no pregnancy until I quit my job. I thought there was something physically wrong with me in being able to get pregnant. Surprise!
The ironic thing is that my husband is generally a nice person to everyone else on this planet, even towards me. He only rears his ugly face in my presence. It's sad that he actually can be a kind-hearted person, so nice, friendly and thoughtful at times. He knows me fairly well and knows my likes and dislikes and accommodates many of those. He even gives me the bigger piece of cake, the larger scoop if ice cream, etc. I believe there is goodness there, but I'm afraid the ugliness has taken its toll and the clock can not be turned back. The words and actions can never be undone. The record of hurts and wrongs play over and over in my head like a broken record. I'm tired of being dumped on. I'm tired of feeling like a piece of sh*t. I'm tired of being the one to blame for everything that is wrong in our relationship. I'm tired of feeling like I'll never measure up to his "ideal" wife, whatever that is. I'm tired of feeling like "damned if I do, and damned if I don't." I really feel like I'm at the end of my rope - or maybe I've already let go and it's too late?
I have never faced anything so scary as this. I hope this 14 day journey will shed some light for me. I would rather just go hide in a cave and hope to God this will all go away. But, for the first time, I'm truly motivated to face this, at the very least for the sake of my daughter. I don't want her to be exposed to this environment if I can help it, so help me God.
I don't even know where to start. There are so many things that have led me up to this point and to this site. I guess what is foremost is my contemplation of leaving my husband. We have been together 15 years, married for 9. We have a beautiful two year old.
I have endured many years of downright emotional abuse from my husband. The abuse has mostly subsided in the last 3 years. It has probably been due to God's work. I still endure my husband's disrespect and ongoing criticism towards me and controlling behaviors. For most of those years of abuse, I was utterly devastated by his treatment of me. I could not understand how he would profess to love me and treat me so horribly. I loved him more than I loved myself. I would do anything in my power to make him happy and pleased with me. I would try harder and harder and fail miserably. I battled ongoing depression during this time and felt suicidal. I felt worthless and miserable.
I would ask him why he would treat me with such disgust and like a piece of crap? I would ask him why he would never treat his mother this way, so why treat me this way? I would tell him how his words were like daggers in my heart. I would ask what I ever did to deserve such treatment? I always tried to reason with him, to be the calm voice, try to set the example. That is what a good Christian does, right? Every so often, I would lash out at him in defense, just to get the onslaught of words to STOP coming at me! No amount of rational thought or calmness ever seemed to phase him.
At one point he was telling me to get the H*ll out of his life! I was too stupid to listen. I could not even fathom the meaning of what he said. I was in such disbelief, I refused to listen to those words. Now I look back and wish to God I had run far, far away and saved myself! I remember those years of crying out to God, pleading with Him, begging Him to make it stop. To help me be the "good wife".
I'm truly sad and feel like I have wasted so many years of my life with a person who seems incapable of being in a healthy, loving, kind relationship. I feel like a horrible mother bringing my child into this unloving family. She doesn't deserve it. I hate myself for not recognizing the signs sooner. I grew up with abusive parents and felt like I had been cut free from hell when I moved out and never imagined I would not recognize abuse when it stared me in the face again. I now realize that is typical of abused children. I thought I would have been wiser. But, my husband's abuse has a different "flavor" and I didn't recognize for what it was until many, many years later.
I'm tired of the control over my life that he has. I was contemplating the other day ways that I have changed because of the negative impact. Ways that I'm different and decisions that I would otherwise make differently if it were not for his influence. He controls all of the money, especially now that I'm staying home with daughter. When I was working I attempted to open up a separate banking acct just so I could have the freedom to go out to lunch or buy myself a new outfit or whatever without his scrutinizing eyes approving or disapproving of my purchases. Somehow he managed to gain access to this acct and gone went that freedom.
I used to be extremely forgiving and generally positive even through all these years, although I routinely struggled with depression. Even towards my parents, I was forgiving. I felt sorry for them that they felt the need to abuse their children. I excused their bad behavior. I felt badly about their troubled childhood and emotional baggage they brought into and through their adulthood. I imagined that they must feel terribly guilty for how they treated their children, not having any self-control. I remember getting angry from time to time, but it never lasted long and I always ended up forgiving them. I loved my parents, even if they treated me badly. I took this same pattern into my marriage. I loved my husband more than anything. No matter the angry outbursts, the mud-slinging the slick way he managed to turn every argument into my fault. The way he would withhold sex as punishment towards me, reducing me to further tears as I would beg him for his affection. I would often blame myself and convince myself that I just needed to try harder to win his approval and affection. If I just didn't do "x" or if I did "y" like he asked, then these problems wouldn't exist. I now recognize this as a typical behavior in response to abuse. But, yet, I still forgave.
Now, 15 year later, I just came out of a year-long hate-fest towards my husband. I hated him so much I could just spit venom. I didn't realize a scowl had become my permanent expression until hubby said something about it. This rage and anger started to swell up inside me and consumed me. I became ugly inside and out. I actually went to a counselor to try to talk through some of the issues because I had no one else to go to. The anger lessened but did not go away. I could not stand who I was becoming because of the anger inside of me. I am feeling better and not nearly as angry, but my heart is hardened towards my husband and I don't know if I love him anymore.
We have not had sex for more than 2 years. I used to be the one that was "hot in the pants", begging my husband for sex. Now, I can't stand to be touched by him. He gives me a kiss at night and kiss before he leaves the house, but I have never so much as initiated anything, not even a kiss. I have never felt this way ever in our relationship. At first, people told me it was because I was breastfeeding, but that ended 18 months ago. I have no sexual desire. I even went to the doctor to see if there was something physically wrong, like a hormonal imbalance, but nothing.
I am faced with the prospect of completely starting over. I would have to find a job in this terrible economy without a college education. I would have to put my daughter in daycare. Our standard of living would certainly drop considerably. The thought of even bringing up potential separation/divorce with my husband is the scariest thing I've ever contemplated. I am truly fearful of his response. If living with is bad, I can't imagine the misery he would try to put me through if we were separated. I imagine the Mt Rushmore of rage would come bursting out straight at me!
I feel so god-awful terrible about bringing my daughter into this mess. I feel like a failure not being able to provide a loving, stable home for her. I feel like such a screw up here. How could I have let this happen????? How did I even get pregnant??? I had not been on any form of birth control for 3 years and yet no pregnancy until I quit my job. I thought there was something physically wrong with me in being able to get pregnant. Surprise!
The ironic thing is that my husband is generally a nice person to everyone else on this planet, even towards me. He only rears his ugly face in my presence. It's sad that he actually can be a kind-hearted person, so nice, friendly and thoughtful at times. He knows me fairly well and knows my likes and dislikes and accommodates many of those. He even gives me the bigger piece of cake, the larger scoop if ice cream, etc. I believe there is goodness there, but I'm afraid the ugliness has taken its toll and the clock can not be turned back. The words and actions can never be undone. The record of hurts and wrongs play over and over in my head like a broken record. I'm tired of being dumped on. I'm tired of feeling like a piece of sh*t. I'm tired of being the one to blame for everything that is wrong in our relationship. I'm tired of feeling like I'll never measure up to his "ideal" wife, whatever that is. I'm tired of feeling like "damned if I do, and damned if I don't." I really feel like I'm at the end of my rope - or maybe I've already let go and it's too late?
I have never faced anything so scary as this. I hope this 14 day journey will shed some light for me. I would rather just go hide in a cave and hope to God this will all go away. But, for the first time, I'm truly motivated to face this, at the very least for the sake of my daughter. I don't want her to be exposed to this environment if I can help it, so help me God.
-
Guest
by mlg » Mon Aug 09, 2010 7:48 am
hello teapot21, welcome to the Oasis. Wow, I'm not sure where to begin. I first want to say forgiveness is the main key here. You've got to work on forgiving yourself, your husband and your parents. You've got to allow God to come into your life and really work on you and your marriage. I notice you stated that the abuse stopped 3 years ago...so has hubby got better about his actions? Are you mostly hurting because of the past scars, or are there more issues still?
I want you to know this...God can heal all people and He can heal your marriage also. The thing is we have an enemy who looks to destroy marriage continually, so he steps in and causes pain and hurt til the marriage can't survive anymore. Teapot, God is bigger than the pain you have been through...He wants to work on healing you and He wants to work on hubby as well. Do you and hubby go to church together? Do you have that precious child in church?
I know there's so much going on in your mind right now...but it's time to start laying those things at the feet of Jesus and letting them go...then you will be able to see the direction He wants you to go and the plans He has laid for you and your family.
My prayers are with you and your family.
Come visit us sometime in the chatroom.
Take care and God Bless
I want you to know this...God can heal all people and He can heal your marriage also. The thing is we have an enemy who looks to destroy marriage continually, so he steps in and causes pain and hurt til the marriage can't survive anymore. Teapot, God is bigger than the pain you have been through...He wants to work on healing you and He wants to work on hubby as well. Do you and hubby go to church together? Do you have that precious child in church?
I know there's so much going on in your mind right now...but it's time to start laying those things at the feet of Jesus and letting them go...then you will be able to see the direction He wants you to go and the plans He has laid for you and your family.
My prayers are with you and your family.
Come visit us sometime in the chatroom.
Take care and God Bless
Do you know my Jesus? Do you know my friend? Have you heard He loves you? If not, I'd like to introduce you.
-
mlg 
- Posts: 4428
- Marital Status: Not Interested
by Dora » Mon Aug 09, 2010 7:54 am
Hello teapot 
Welcome to Oasis. I know this must be difficult. I'd like to encourage you to hang in there while God continues to work in both of you. You see he is changing. What if you give up before God has changed him to be the husband you want and need.
Your children are so young and divorce is going to throw them into a whirl spin. I don't see it as a way to better your life. Though right now it may seem like what needs to happen. Think about this for a while. You've given it 15 years of your life what is another couple years. Could you give it another 4 years. That may seem like a long time but it's really not compared to the amount of years you may go regretting such a huge decision. I was once told 90% of people who give their marriage another 4 years when they are ready to divorce end up being glad they didn't divorce. Four years of prayer and dedication to do all you can to save it.
Are you doing the counseling steps sis? I encourage you to do the counseling steps and focus on get yourself aligned as close as you can with Gods will. Seek him diligently and work on what you can do to better this marriage instead of focusing on what he is or isn't doing that is not helping the marriage.
I will be praying for you and him.
Welcome to Oasis. I know this must be difficult. I'd like to encourage you to hang in there while God continues to work in both of you. You see he is changing. What if you give up before God has changed him to be the husband you want and need.
Your children are so young and divorce is going to throw them into a whirl spin. I don't see it as a way to better your life. Though right now it may seem like what needs to happen. Think about this for a while. You've given it 15 years of your life what is another couple years. Could you give it another 4 years. That may seem like a long time but it's really not compared to the amount of years you may go regretting such a huge decision. I was once told 90% of people who give their marriage another 4 years when they are ready to divorce end up being glad they didn't divorce. Four years of prayer and dedication to do all you can to save it.
Are you doing the counseling steps sis? I encourage you to do the counseling steps and focus on get yourself aligned as close as you can with Gods will. Seek him diligently and work on what you can do to better this marriage instead of focusing on what he is or isn't doing that is not helping the marriage.
I will be praying for you and him.
Last edited by Dora on Mon Aug 09, 2010 7:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Sorrow looks back, Worry looks around, But faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.-
Dora - Posts: 3759
- Location: In Gods Hands
- Marital Status: Married
by deetu » Mon Aug 09, 2010 8:11 am
Hi teapot,
I am so glad that you have found us! And that you are giving the study a try. We are always here if you need some support.
During this study, you will be changed and others will notice it. Don't let your husbands' negativitiy get in the way of what you are reaching for. Fear of starting over can overcome you but your sweet little one is your concern now too. I don't blame you for wanting to get your two year old out of that situation and that is probably what got you going.
Look forward to seeing you in chat.
I am so glad that you have found us! And that you are giving the study a try. We are always here if you need some support.
During this study, you will be changed and others will notice it. Don't let your husbands' negativitiy get in the way of what you are reaching for. Fear of starting over can overcome you but your sweet little one is your concern now too. I don't blame you for wanting to get your two year old out of that situation and that is probably what got you going.
Look forward to seeing you in chat.
It is better to light a candle then curse the darkness 
No fear... just freedom
No fear... just freedom
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deetu - Posts: 937
- Location: New Jersey
- Marital Status: Married
by Guest » Mon Aug 09, 2010 8:16 pm
Forgive me if I'm skeptical. I want to believe, I want to be able to lay it all down at Jesus' feet, I want to have hope. Of course I know God is stirring me or I would not be here and of course I am probably resisting it. I'm just so tired of it all. It's not that I don't want to change. I have always been the one on the path of self improvement. It was always my mantra to improve, to become a better person, to be a better Christian, etc. It's just that I'm tired of being the one that must change in this marriage - again. I'm no saint and I'm not perfect, but I have tried endlessly. Whatever failures & imperfections I might be carrying around will need a miracle of God to fix. Because God only knows how hard I've tried.
I'm tired of being the one that seems to care enough about the marriage to bother to do anything about it, to fight for it. I don't know if I have the fight in me anymore. I'm just tired. And bitter, I suppose.
Of course I would like healing, but is my heart into it and committed to it? I'm not sure.
Honestly, if I stick around for four more years it will be out of fear and laziness., not because of a commitment to it. Fear of starting over and feeling lazy about taking the steps necessary to start over.
I'm sorry if my response disappoints. Unfortunately it is what it is. This is where I'm at. This is my life - defeat, disappointment, depression, confusion and apathy.
As for church, I was going for several years. I was truly on fire for Jesus. Then an important person in my life who was like a father to me, a mentor, a spiritual example to me, dropped out of my life suddenly. This led to a tailspin of grief, confusion and ultimately depression and disappointment with God. I literally spiraled down, down, down.
I have not been able to bring myself to relationship with God ever since. That was about 4 years ago. I'm sure I'm somewhere in the wrong here, maybe it's my own pride that holds me back and keeps me from coming to God. God is perfect, right? Therefore, the problem is obviously me.
I guess I feel so let down and disappointed by God. Of course we know that God's plan and will are perfect, so it all in my own thinking that is wrong. It was God that led me to this person who had a major impact in my life, and helped stop the bleeding I was experiencing and gave me renewed hope in God, in myself and the marriage. I am having trust issues all over again. I can't trust, not even God. I had come so far and now I'm practically back to zero.
Of course, I would be leaving out something important if I did not mention that God warned me he would be taking this person away soon and I begged and pleaded Him not to. I got one more year with this special person, which I should consider a blessing. I know in my mind logically, that I am in the wrong here, but my heart can't seem to go on from all the hurt and pain I experienced.
I don't want to be vulnerable and put my heart out on the line again, not with God, not with my husband, not with anyone.
Well, I do, because the only option going forward is the utter loneliness I now feel inside if I don't. But, it's just too scary to open my heart again and risk more pain, more rejection. Pain I might be able to endure, but rejection, I shudder at the thought of it.
I'd never wish this misery on my worst enemy
On a somewhat positive note, I scheduled one of those jewelry "home parties' last weekend. I invited 50 people. At least 6 people were definitely coming or possibly coming. No one showed up. I was devastated. At that moment I realized that I truly had no friends. And this woman had come to my house for nothing. She was out her time, money for gas, invitations and other expenses. I had spent $40 for food (money I didn't really need to spend) for the party that just sat there. I was so embarrassed. I just couldn't keep the tears away from my disappointment. I felt so alone. Yet another failure to add to my balance sheet.
But, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. We had our own private showing and got to talking. As she was leaving, I told her that I was embarrassed and felt bad about her walking away with nothing, but mostly I was overwhelmed with the realization that I had no true friends. She was so understanding and caring. Somehow our conversation led to her telling me about her being separated from her husband, which led to me opening up to her about some of my own struggles. She invited me to come to church that evening and I did go. It was the first time I'd been in nearly 2 years.
I've been thinking about going to church for some time, but this incident and her invitation is what finally got me to go.
I'm tired of being the one that seems to care enough about the marriage to bother to do anything about it, to fight for it. I don't know if I have the fight in me anymore. I'm just tired. And bitter, I suppose.
Of course I would like healing, but is my heart into it and committed to it? I'm not sure.
Honestly, if I stick around for four more years it will be out of fear and laziness., not because of a commitment to it. Fear of starting over and feeling lazy about taking the steps necessary to start over.
I'm sorry if my response disappoints. Unfortunately it is what it is. This is where I'm at. This is my life - defeat, disappointment, depression, confusion and apathy.
As for church, I was going for several years. I was truly on fire for Jesus. Then an important person in my life who was like a father to me, a mentor, a spiritual example to me, dropped out of my life suddenly. This led to a tailspin of grief, confusion and ultimately depression and disappointment with God. I literally spiraled down, down, down.
I have not been able to bring myself to relationship with God ever since. That was about 4 years ago. I'm sure I'm somewhere in the wrong here, maybe it's my own pride that holds me back and keeps me from coming to God. God is perfect, right? Therefore, the problem is obviously me.
I guess I feel so let down and disappointed by God. Of course we know that God's plan and will are perfect, so it all in my own thinking that is wrong. It was God that led me to this person who had a major impact in my life, and helped stop the bleeding I was experiencing and gave me renewed hope in God, in myself and the marriage. I am having trust issues all over again. I can't trust, not even God. I had come so far and now I'm practically back to zero.
Of course, I would be leaving out something important if I did not mention that God warned me he would be taking this person away soon and I begged and pleaded Him not to. I got one more year with this special person, which I should consider a blessing. I know in my mind logically, that I am in the wrong here, but my heart can't seem to go on from all the hurt and pain I experienced.
I don't want to be vulnerable and put my heart out on the line again, not with God, not with my husband, not with anyone.
Well, I do, because the only option going forward is the utter loneliness I now feel inside if I don't. But, it's just too scary to open my heart again and risk more pain, more rejection. Pain I might be able to endure, but rejection, I shudder at the thought of it.
I'd never wish this misery on my worst enemy
On a somewhat positive note, I scheduled one of those jewelry "home parties' last weekend. I invited 50 people. At least 6 people were definitely coming or possibly coming. No one showed up. I was devastated. At that moment I realized that I truly had no friends. And this woman had come to my house for nothing. She was out her time, money for gas, invitations and other expenses. I had spent $40 for food (money I didn't really need to spend) for the party that just sat there. I was so embarrassed. I just couldn't keep the tears away from my disappointment. I felt so alone. Yet another failure to add to my balance sheet.
But, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. We had our own private showing and got to talking. As she was leaving, I told her that I was embarrassed and felt bad about her walking away with nothing, but mostly I was overwhelmed with the realization that I had no true friends. She was so understanding and caring. Somehow our conversation led to her telling me about her being separated from her husband, which led to me opening up to her about some of my own struggles. She invited me to come to church that evening and I did go. It was the first time I'd been in nearly 2 years.
I've been thinking about going to church for some time, but this incident and her invitation is what finally got me to go.
-
Guest
by mlg » Mon Aug 09, 2010 8:26 pm
Hello again sis...I see a lot of things from what you have just shared...you have to work on your relationship with God. I think one of the biggest reasons you are so low at this time..is because of the distance you have put between God and yourself. See our joy comes from the Lord...and when we aren't walking with Him...our joy disappears and in comes the enemy with disappointment, fear, anger, depression and the list goes on...I want to encourage you to spend some time talking to God and in prayer. I know you may feel that you can't talk to Him at the moment...but He already knows exactly what you are thinking and how you feel...so go ahead and tell Him about what you feel and think...work through it all with Him...tell God you are anger with Him and why...He needs you to release this anger and to let Him help you....
I want to also encourage you to continue to spend time in church...and how about putting on some Christian music...it's great stuff and will help lift you up.
As for your marriage...I see lots going on with you right now...and working on your relationship with God has to come first above all things...remember once God can work on you...then He can begin working on your marriage...God can change things and make things new...time to rebuild the faith and trust in Him.
My prayers continue for you.
Take care and God Bless
I want to also encourage you to continue to spend time in church...and how about putting on some Christian music...it's great stuff and will help lift you up.
As for your marriage...I see lots going on with you right now...and working on your relationship with God has to come first above all things...remember once God can work on you...then He can begin working on your marriage...God can change things and make things new...time to rebuild the faith and trust in Him.
My prayers continue for you.
Take care and God Bless
Do you know my Jesus? Do you know my friend? Have you heard He loves you? If not, I'd like to introduce you.
-
mlg - Posts: 4428
- Marital Status: Not Interested
by Guest » Mon Aug 09, 2010 8:58 pm
DAY 2=========
I pray that my heart become the fertile soil for God's Word to firmly take root and grow, withstanding all storms and trials. Solid and sturdy.
PLEASE tear down the walls around my heart.
HEAR MY CRIES, O LORD
your mercy, your grace, your forgiveness, they cover me & my shame
Amen
*****
May I apply the weedkiller of your TRUTH to the garden of my mind.
I just love this analogy of our mind being a garden that we must continually tend to and keep it in check, lest the weeds choke out all that is good and beautiful.
****
So many good verses, I think I'll put them on some flashcards to remind me
I pray that my heart become the fertile soil for God's Word to firmly take root and grow, withstanding all storms and trials. Solid and sturdy.
PLEASE tear down the walls around my heart.
HEAR MY CRIES, O LORD
your mercy, your grace, your forgiveness, they cover me & my shame
Amen
*****
May I apply the weedkiller of your TRUTH to the garden of my mind.
I just love this analogy of our mind being a garden that we must continually tend to and keep it in check, lest the weeds choke out all that is good and beautiful.
****
So many good verses, I think I'll put them on some flashcards to remind me
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Guest
by Dora » Tue Aug 10, 2010 12:23 pm
The party thing might not be because people don't consider you a friend but that it may have to do with the economy right now. I can't go to a jewelry party but I can be your online friend.
I understand your emptiness and loss of desire to try. It is my prayer that God rekindles a desire inside of you to bless Him and in doing so will bless others and be blessed in return.
God loves you and so do I!
Sorrow looks back, Worry looks around, But faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.-
Dora - Posts: 3759
- Location: In Gods Hands
- Marital Status: Married
by deetu » Wed Aug 11, 2010 7:21 pm
And I am seeing that the party wasn't a loss because God brought someone into your life at a time you needed it. If all those people showed up, you would never have had time to talk. I try to see opportunities in everything 
Finding a new friend and new church and new website are all good
Glad you found us
Finding a new friend and new church and new website are all good
Glad you found us
It is better to light a candle then curse the darkness
No fear... just freedom
No fear... just freedom
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deetu - Posts: 937
- Location: New Jersey
- Marital Status: Married
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