Christianity Oasis Forum

[arken1]

And I use the term struggle for lack of a better word. It's more of something deep rooted in me that I can't shake. First of all I am a man in my mid 20's who has been saved and publicly baptized. No one knows about my struggle, and I am so thankful to find a place where I can discuss it with fellow Christians privately. This is my first post.

This is very embarrassing, and one thing I can not work out with God. I know many of you won't understand how could someone be attracted to the same sex, right? It's not that I have any desire whatsover to be this way, and I don't want a life that is built on something so shameful to God that he specifically mentions sexual sin as worse than other sins like stealing. As young as I can remember, I can't remember being attracted or aroused by the opposite sex. I have never allowed myself to have a homosexual relationship (or heterosexual, for that matter) because I know how much God hates it. I hate it. Something in my brain only reacts to the same sex. My right brain says "this is disgusting, and over there is a pretty girl", but my left brain sends all the sexual signals only for men. It is very frustrating!!

To make this all worse, I use pornography as a way to escape my loneliness caused by homosexuality. I think one big reason I don't date or even desire a relationship with a woman is that I feel that I have no way to meet her sexual needs as God intended. Is it fair to her to have a man that is disinterested in her? Who can't bring her the maximum pleasures that God designed in the unity of man and woman in the flesh? I think not.

I feel like I'm in a giant ball of yarn that needs unraveled. So, my first step is to get rid of this pornography crap. I have tried this several times, all of which have failed. It is a true addiction; one that I think is worse than other common addictions like smoking, drinking, etc.

My biggest fear is that I will not be able to control my sexual urges toward other men, and won't allow God to bring a heterosexual relationship into my life. I want a family, children, and an eternal (female) partner. God has given me so much in terms of my career and family, but I want him to give me EVERYthing he has planned.

[mlg]

Hi arken

Well I want to begin by sharing this...God doesn't want us to form relationship in our life that makes us fall into sin...in fact He wants us to do just the opposite...form relationships that will help keep us on the righteous path. I want to say that God has not made a mistake by bringing you here to the Oasis. He knows that you need support to be able to get through this walk of life.

Arken I want to suggest that you work on forming a strong bond between you and God....make God the love of your life...and when you allow yourself to love God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind...you will find the desires of the flesh to become less...and the spiritual desires to become more...

Glad you are here...I feel you have begun the first step on the path God has planned for you.

Praying for you. Come visit us sometime in the chatroom.

Take care and God Bless

[momof3]

Hi arken1...so good to meet you and im so glad the Lord led you here. You arent here by mistake..and i wanna add that you were not created by mistake either. There are many many things we all struggle with. God's grace is sufficient..and His healing is real. I would encourage you to first, accept His grace for yourself. Know it to be true. His love is for YOU. Take these steps in the couceling one day at a time. Let His words and healing sink in..and if you have to repeat the steps over and over, its ok. God's word is living..His spirit is fresh and new every day..so, do the steps as many times as you need..you will see something new everytime.

My brother in Jesus, you are not alone in your struggles. He understands you better than you understand yourself. He knows you intimately..to your very soul and He has things He wants to do in and through the life He has given you. As rc said..replace...with His word, with music that reaches your soul and touches His heart. He is with you, no matter how distant you feel you are from Him. You are His desire.

God bless you and im praying for you.

in Jesus,
luv momo

[arken1]

(If this isn't where the daily journal is supposed to go, let me know. I guess I'll just post replies to this thread to keep it organized).

Well, today was very different. I really didn't expect it, because I have never had much success after promising God that I will get out of this. But today, I felt this ability to shrug-off feelings and urges. I felt this sense of pure absolute lust and was able to just throw it right out. Not fantasize. Not think "God, why can't I stop this? Why am I battling this and nobody else has this problem?".

Today was easy for me, but I know it will become difficult once again soon. It's just a matter of time. What I can only pray for is that I let God push me so far in the opposite direction, that I can't go back. That I can always shrug-off homosexual feelings, and see that I have control of this. God allows me to control anything Satan tries to put into my mind.

Speaking of Satan, I was just thinking today how happy Satan has probably been all these years. He has done some serious damage on my adolescence and early-adulthood view of my sexuality and my future. He took my childhood curiosity, whispered something in my ear that poisoned and shadowed parts of my brain. When I accepted Jesus, I began feeling and smelling the poison. I know it's there, I know what the antidote is. God has been trying to give me an IV with the antidote but I turn it away, letting the poison take control of my interactions with God. Satan was probably hoping I would turn away from God as a result. And let me be honest, I haven't been too far from that lately. As someone mentioned before, the desires of the flesh can really interfere with the spiritual relationship with God.

I think I understand now why God mentions sexual immorality as worse than any other sin: it can easily drive you away from him. And it had been gnawing at me to do just that.

[mlg]

Hi again arken

You are in the right place for your journal.

As I was reading your shared thoughts today...I couldn't help but think how the enemy wants to take sin and wedge it between you and God...and the enemy knows your weakness arken and he will try to use it continually against you. So...during times of temptation...you must find the door out...and that door might be Christian music, it might be praying, it might be talking to God or it might be Christian fellowship...and the list goes on...but find all the things you can do to take your mind away from the tempting thoughts...and you will be strengthened in the fight against sin.

My prayers continue for you.

I just want you to know that if you fall down...and you will...make sure you get up repent and get back to fighting the good fight.

Take care and God Bless

[Dora]

Hello arken

Now you have the antidote and are using it! Focus on the future and let go of the past. You can trust God with it. He is trust worthy.

God bless. Praying for you.

[grace2010]

Hi Arken,

I am new to the site as well. I want you to know that I am a sinner and I have asked God to forgive me, and I am turning my life back to Him, (I am married with two children and I engaged in an adulterous affair causing a pregnancy). Pretty bad, huh? I want you to know that God understands your heart, I know this because His word promises it. I have been doing the 14 step program. Every day God is working in me. From the moment I open my eyes to point when I close them, I ask that the Holy Spirit be with me. If you saw me driving down the street, going for a run, sitting at my desk, having a meal or just finding a quite place to myself, you'll witness what seems like someone who is losing his marbles, but I love conversing with the Holy Spirit. I talk to Him like a friend and tell Him exactly what I am thinking, even if it is a doubt or temptation. I acknowledge my thoughts and ask that He intervene, give me guidance and strenght and intercede on my behalf. There is a lot of things in the word that at times do not seem practicle for our current lives, but I have found that they are, and having the Holy Spirit as my comforter is very practicle. No appointments needed, anytime and anywhere and always anonymous. Try Him, invite Him into your life, make Him your friend and ask that He help carry your burden.

Since I began this relationship with Him, my heart isn't so heavy, my carnal desires arent' so strong, and slowly I am seeing and hearing things that I had not heard before. In short, we all have addictions and sins that pull at us. For you and I it is sexual, but regardless the problem or situation, I believe that Jesus rose from the dead for our salvation. Think about that, rose from the dead, so things that may seem impossible to us are possible to our Lord and savior. I will pray for you my brother. Stay in the word, and lay it all at God's feet.

In His love..

[deetu]

hi arken, I have been doing a counseling study that said something that I would like to mention to you. It may not be but is worth a thought in case.

The child of the people teaching the study was sexually molested as a child and suppressed it. As he got older, he showed homosexual tendencies because of this attack. He was able to be delivered and healed once they realized. He is now married and has children of his own.

I am glad you found us. Know that we don't judge and someone is usually always around to help.
And the suggestion of redirecting your thoughts is good.

[arken1]

The child of the people teaching the study was sexually molested as a child and suppressed it. As he got older, he showed homosexual tendencies because of this attack. He was able to be delivered and healed once they realized. He is now married and has children of his own..

I appreciate this story. However, I feel that "tendencies" is too weak for the feelings I have felt in my life. I really haven't had any of the "classic" traps that lead one to believe he/she is homosexual. I have honestly felt that I was born this way. That's one thing that has always scared me: People announce they have walked away from homosexuality, but were they "really" homosexual, or were they just scared so badly, that they "made themselves" think they were homosexual. Then again, and when I actually say it out loud, is there any difference? Satan doesn't say "I am telling you you're homosexual", because no one listens to him speak. Instead, he says "you know that you're homosexual, because this and this. And you'll never have a woman because of this and this". He makes it seem real.

[Dora]

You know it's the devil...so you know it's a lie.

Praise God for the truth. Through Him you can have life.

And not just life but life more abundant.

[Christianity Oasis]

Mankind and even satan himself can NOT define a soul ... Only lead em astray with thoughts.

MAN HAS THE GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO CHOOSE

Every day is the first day of the rest of your Life.

It is YOUR calling ... Makes it YOUR call.


Luv ya

[arken1]

Today was another very easy day. I felt no temptation today. I think God is protecting my thoughts to give me more encouragement, initially. THANK YOU GOD FOR THAT, IT HELPS!!!

So, thinking, "hmmm, what will I write today? Pretty uneventful day today". Well, I come home and log onto Facebook and see a very interesting status from a girl I dated once. Ok, WOAHHH, I know that freaked anyone out who is reading my journal, so let me explain..

Probably 6-7 years ago, a girl approached me and, almost demanded that I go out with her. This was my first/only date with a girl (embarrassing, again). I had seen her with another friend several times, and she always seemed overly happy to say "hi". Being sexually confused, I never picked up on it. Frankly, the girl kind of creeped me out a little bit, which does NOTHING to help someone who thinks he's gay! Hah! Well anyway, we had dinner, I of course felt no sexual attraction at all, because I was in the same state I'm in now where I have allowed myself to be programmed under a veil of lust and pornography. We talked, and I asked about her faith. She gave me one of those awkward responses, something like "well.....I go to church sometimes". Ugh. Not that God says to run away from non-believers; actually, he says just the opposite. But being in my weak state, I needed someone who would HELP ME connect with God better. I knew (and still know) that me dating a non-believer will lead me into the deepest depths of sexual sin that are somehow worse than what I'm in now.

Another thing that just radiated from this girl was promiscuity. She was sweet, seemed cute and friendly, but I could somehow tell that she had been with other men before (at 19, and obviously not married). This turns me off bigtime. I want some kind of ideal girl that probably does exist, and God just can't wait for me to meet her, but he's waiting on me to do my part. Anyway, this imaginary, ideal girl would be a virgin, have at least as strong relationship with God as I do, and see sex as God's gift in marriage, not an outlet for a lust-fest.

So, what's the point I was making before I broke into that long story? 4.5 years later, apparently she has not had a boyfriend in that time, she sets her Facebook status to "my boyfriend lays down some good luvin". Or something to that effect. Yuck!!! I really feel she is driven by lust. I am pretty sure she didn't want to date me for any reason other than lust. This is the biggest turn-off I can imagine. I mean, I need help being attracted to women anyway, and this really makes it just worse. It drives me away, back into my hole, back into reinforcing that I am attracted to men, and not women. Sadly, that puts me in the same situation that I loathed so much about this girl: Now my state of mind is lust toward men.

My conclusion for the day is this: lust is contagious.