Christianity Oasis Forum

[mlg]

Carol sis...there is something that is bothering your son and his wife. Have you asked them what it is? If they don't even want you sitting with them at church...and had a hard time sitting with you on mother's day...is there something that has been said or done in the past towards your son or your daughter in law that could possibly be making them so uncomfy around you?

luv ya sis

[Guest]

Yes I have talked with them several times. My son says that I'm too "soft" on the kids and too cautious with them. That when they get hurt I cuddle them too much, that I am always saying "be careful". Well, I told him I'd work on that but that grandparents aren't going to be as tough as the parents.

He is super sensitiv about the showing that he is the man of his household now. My dh and I really try never to interfere with his parenting or his decisions. I think that he is so insecure himself that he's threatened by us somehow. When the kids have a sleepover (which is rare) he'll call the next morning and ask what they ate before bed and for breakkfast. You just walk on eggs the whole time knowing that if you say the wrong thing then he'll never let them sleepover again. You definitely cannot enjoy the kids as much.

He is a very angry person and he vents it toward me mostly. I just don't know how to handle the rejection constantly! He has a few "good" times, not whole days, but periods of time where he's happy. I've never experienced such pain in my life. I try most of the time to stay out of his way but its hard when he has your grandchildren.

Honestly, if hes around I'm not allowed to give the kids a drink of water without his permission. Like I said you just walk on eggs. You are never allowed to call their home when he is home - evenings, weekends, etc. We definitely cannot ask them to go out ot eat with us or do things that grandparents get to do. Like today is the 4th of July parade we are not allowed to go with them and enjoy the kids nor the fireworks tonght. My grandson, only 5, is a really good swimmer. He had a swimming competition last Tues. night - we could not go. He plays soccer we are not allowed to go watch him. I can't explain to you the heartache. It really makes life challenging to say the least. Its hard too to hear other grandparents say how they go and partake of this or that and we are not "allowed". I thought grandparenting was supposed a happy time of life but I can tell you that its taken Years off of my life. I've asked God to put other chldren in my life but its not the same as your own.

[Dora]

I see it's your relationship with your son that is causing the problem.

How does you daughter-in-law feel about this and about you?

[mlg]

Hi Carol,

Yep I see the same thing as Pine...it's your relationship with your son that is the issue...so now how do we work on this...what can you do to help strengthen that relationship? First, get God involved heavily sis...ask Him for His help...place this in constant prayer with Him...seek God in every word and deed in this matter. If you are not sure...ask God...also...your son has some concerns with how he sees you handling the kids...and yes it's ok to be a bit soft...cuz grandma's are...but be soft when he and his wife aren't around if that makes sense....when they are around...make sure to correct the children if they are doing wrong...and help guide them as you would have your own children. Also, start working on reaching out more to your son. You mentioned he has anger issues...do you know what's causing his anger? I will say that love can overcome anger....so just let your son know you are there anytime he needs someone. Don't be pushy...and instead of focusing on the kids...focus on your son a bit...maybe pamper your son some...do something with just him...or do something special just for him...make him feel your love...remember the way to the children is through mom and dad...so start showing mom and dad how much you love them...and in time maybe their feelings towards you and the children will change.

Praying for you sis...God's gonna work this all out...I just feel it...I know He can...cuz our God is an awesome God.

luv ya

[Guest]

Yes you're right - he's definitely the problem. I think he really hates me at times. Like I said he has an anger problem - not anger outbursts but just anger problems. I don't understand it at all.

His wife and I were very close but he has pretty much squelched that. She has to follow him and in so doing turn her back on me. I hate it because I have 3 sons and no daughters and she really was like a daughter. I love her and she knows it but its hard to get anywhere with him in the middle. If it were left up to her we'd be really close but he doesn't want her calling me.

I know it sounds like "what in the world did you do to him". I probably loved him too much growing up. He was born with an eye problem - they told me at birth tha he was legally blind. At 7 mos. he had surgery and it really corrected a lot of the problem. Well things went well till the day he turned 13 - rebellion set in. He was then diagnosed with ADHD. He would say and do things that I just thought were really strange or absurd. I was new to the idea of ADD so I put hm on medication for it. Still to this day he hates me for that. He said I didn't know what I was talkig about and did him unjustly. Well, now even his own wife believes he does have ADD. The medication helped him so much. He became a balanced person but he took himself off of it when he left home. I don't know but we prayed about it and felt like we had no other choice. He has a lot of bitterness towards me for that because I was the one that really believed it and, btw, I still believe it. Even his 2 brothers believe it, as well.

You make choices that you think are right and thats all you can do. For many years I allowed the devil to whisper in my ear that I was a bad mom because of him. I finally came to the point that I knew I had done my best and the one thing he cannot say is: "I was never loved."
Anyway, who knows what lies ahead. He has 1 child that is very youngbut has some of the same traits he does. We'll see.

[mlg]

uh huh and now I see even more of why your son acts towards you as he does sis...in fact it's because he thinks of his childhood and the anger he holds towards you about it...and feels he has to "protect" his children from you because he feels you are the one who wronged him as a child...again my sister...the answer to fixing this is love...repair the relationship with your son...and you repair your image as grandma...time to get to work.

luv ya

[Dora]

If you did your best then all you can do is allow God to do the rest. And He can. The anger he carries around will make him miserable. I will be praying that God will help him to work on his issues.

As for now, there seems little you can do for him. But there is much you can do for Christ. The counseling we mentioned is not so much counseling as it is a spiritual walk to the Father. He holds the answer to all of this and this study will help you as it has many get even closer with Him. I've noticed you haven't started the steps even after a few including myself has suggested it. There's a reason we suggest it, cause we've seen it help Many. And there's a reason you've not started if you haven't. Cause the enemy doesn't want you closer to Christ. And he knows this study will help you get closer to Christ. So he whispers, you don't need it, that's not for you, you've got other studies, or no time, or what ever he's putting in your thinking. I suggest while you wait for God to work on your son, you serve Him by getting into this 14 day counseling. You won't be sorry if you do. But if you don't, you won't know what you missed out on.

Here's the link again....
http://www.christianityoasis.com/CCCC/Forum.htm

Hope to hear what thoughts it brings to mind.