Christianity Oasis Forum

[Guest]

ok, I've decided to do this 14 days to healing program, as the people I've asked for help don't seem to give me the healing I so desperately need. as I feel stuck in this cycle and so badly want to get out of it, I thought that I should try this.
I'm 21 years old and already I'm so tired of life. (don't get me wrong, no suicidal thoughts, just tired of the way life is going). when I was 17 I was sexually abused by a group of drunken teens on my way home from youthgroup. I never told anyone about it, until I did my DTS (discipleship training school (ywam, youth with a mission) and it made me run away from the school as I couldn't handle the pain. I did receive prayer and I felt God healing me there, but on outreach later on (I was 20 by then) I was sexually abused by an Indian man and it has changed my heart towards India. I still love the country and the people, but I still feel the pain and everytime I think about India, I remember this pain as well. to make things worse, I got into a relationship with a guy (who told me he was a christian), I was vulnerable as I was still processing every emotion of DTS. thinking he was the one I would marry, I shared personal stuff, about what happened in India and he just used that to sexually abuse me. I was so scared and yet I didn't run away as he was much taller than me. He forced me to do stuff I didn't want to do. when we broke up he started to stalk me and until this day (7 months after break up) I"m still scared and afraid.
I did choose however to forgive and to break all the ties between me and him, but somehow there is still so much pain inside of me. I did get counseling and it helped to forgive him, but it didn't give me answers concerning healing.
so since this is pretty safe here and I don't have to give my name, nor my location, I thought that this could be the best way to spit things out and to see where this will lead me.

[jamisfaithnjoy]

Good morning littlesongbird.My name is Jami and it's good to have you here.I pray the Lord will show you His answers to your past and pain you are still carrying.This could very well be one of them@Him leading you to the journaling area to let all your deepest emotions out.The step program on here made a pretty big difference in how I looked at things in life and at a time when I too was getting so sik of my life seemingly taking the same circles over and over again..and I'm 39!lol..To me,you're still a "young pup" as you are my daughter's age by one year and unfortunately all that I've noticed in life with the average person,their "damage" seems to have been done by that time.If I would've had internet access and came across a website like this when I was 21,I have no doubts that my older years would have turned out MUCH differently BUT..everything happens for a reason and in God's timing.A majority of it(the reasons),again unfortunately,we are left to "just deal with" the rest of our lives and try to make sense of it all,stewing in the pain and ultimately allowing it to take over what IS left of us..the ability to still love,trust and even sometimes grow in Christ as I have seen many through the years,myself included,indirectly let all our past poisons just savagely spiritually kill us.You appear to have some sort of first-hand knowledge of the Lord.(Ie:brought up with exposure to God at a young age or just took the interest yourself)To me,for you,that is "saving grace" for sure.Alot don't get so lucky to find the Lord BEFORE all the wreckage starts.I can also tell by your wording,although you have a faith in the Lord,you(as most do)are looking for an answer you can see for yourself.Not just Biblical scripturing or advice,or lack of from people to "change" your hurts and pain.We(anyone out there whether online or offline) cannot do that BUT there are many on here and I'm sure they will be stopping by your page that will eventually become your closest friend(other than the Lord of course)and be that "ear" that you are looking for.Mlg and momo3 are just a couple of the multitude of ladies on here that you will grow to really cherish during your time on this website whether it's a day or 10 years..By the way,your screen name you chose is so cute. Take care and may you be blessed always hun, Jami

[Guest]

hi Jami, thanks for your reply.

you're right when you say that I'm looking for an answer myself. I've looked into scriptures and also got these as encouragement, but they don't seem to answer my pain. I know that the answer has to come from God Himself, I know there has to be a path that leads to joy, His joy as a strength in my life. I've known this joy and I've known intimacy with God. but because of things happened in my past I somehow lost the great intimacy I had and I haven't found a way back. to clarify, I did finish my DTS and graduated. I had great people supporting me there and I'm still in touch with them.

I'm just grateful that there are really people listening to me, instead of starting directly with throwing scriptures over me. God has spoken a lot to me and He was my best friend. I guess in this 14day program that once I'll be able to get back into that intimacy with Him and receive that healing, that I wouldn't feel so lost anymore. thanks for replying

[goldieluvs]

Littlesongbird

Welcome to Oasis. I just wanted to encourage you to continue thru the steps. Many here have gone thru similar situations (myself included) and i remember there was a LONG time that i ran from myself and God and the past. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this.

I too went thru about four years of therapist with an awesome Christian therapist (my views about God were a lil skewed at the time) I just wanted to encourage you to keep on, there IS healing thru Jesus.

For me, healing was a process that took several years. (not to say that yours will as we each heal at our own speed). Coming here and working through the many studies and the support i received, the encouragement, no judgement, just love and acceptance helped further that healing.

Today, I can honestly say that my past (with regards to the abuse) no longer has a hold on me. It is simply my past. It doesn't define who I am Ultimately Jesus set me Free!! And i wholeheartedly believe you can experience that healing too.

GBU sis and i look forward to meeting you, hope to see u in chat sometime

[mlg]

Hello Littlesongbird, welcome to the Oasis! We are just delighted to have you here.

I'm sorry you've been through so much pain sis...but I want you to know you are definitely on your way to finding the healing you deserve. Sometimes it takes a little longer than we think it should...but when we are hurt by others...it takes a bit out of us and leaves a void that only Jesus can fill. This program will help you grow closer to Jesus and to allow Him to take the pain away. When you are able to turn it over to Him, He can take the pain and keep it for you...you no longer have to carry it...you will then be able to heal.

I hope you will come visit us in the chatroom sometime.

Take care and God Bless

[Guest]

so yeah, I'm writing day two today, as yesterday I wasn't able to get on the website.
gardening. thankfully it's not the garden outside, as I really don't like that kind of gardening.
it's clear for me now that it wasn't a one day problem popping up, but a seed that has been sown earlier. I am not the problem, but a problem was sown in my life. I've thought for a long time that it was all my fault and that I somehow caused the problems in my life. that it was my fault that someone would do something against me.
(I'm reminded of the movie good will hunting where robin williams as psychologist tells matt damon that it isn't his fault until matt breaks down and let the emotions come out)

by realizing that I'm not the problem and that it isn't my fault, just clears a lot of space. I've seen myself as a victim though and I've been treated like that, but that's something I need to get rid of in my garden. no room for self-pity.
Im pondering on the truth that God is healing me and that all good things come from above. He is faithful. Thank You Lord

[mlg]

There ya go...making progress...realizing that self pity isn't what God wants you to have...but a testimony that He can use so others can see His light shining through you.

Pull those weeds sis...and as you go along plant some good seeds in place of those weeds, and before you know it...beauty will be sprouting within...I'm excited for you

Take care and God Bless

[Guest]

day three, God's grace.
today is a spring time rain day. too funny, I'm listening to a song called "grace like rain" by Todd Agnew.

I know God's grace for a long time, I've seen it in my own life. I do believe that if I repent and ask forgiveness, God forgives me. No trouble with that.
I'm learning now how to forgive myself. That's a process, as I've put my perfectionism away. if I wouldn't forgive myself, I would make my standards higher than Gods'. I do choose however to accept His forgiveness and I do choose to forgive myself. I think forgiving is a process. I mean, it's a choice and everytime something pops up again, you remind yourself of the choice you've made to forgive.

I do feel a bit better though. I'm getting my inspiration back and I'm often behind the piano playing. it's interesting to see how lies really can get a hold of you so intensely, but by breaking them, there is so much freedom...

[mlg]

woooohooo littlesongbird...sing it sister...I'm so happy for you...your eyes are beginning to open and you are seeing the Truth...grace is beautiful sis...and it's free...and yes it does set you free....the bird within you sis has been waiting to fly for awhile now...yet she couldn't get loose of the chains...but with every step you make here I'm seeing progress and that little bird is gonna be flying high soon...keep up the good work.

luv ya

[goldieluvs]

wow littlesongbird ur doing soooo awesome u r a growing for sure... its awesome to sit back and wacth God working thru ya!

[Guest]

the freedom I talked earlier today about is still there, but to experience more freedom I need to dig deeper and deeper to get rid of all the roots of lies and pain.
I do see truth popping up and I've gotten rid of the self pity, but I'm seeing that it has been a cover for the pain that I tried to neutralize with the feeling that it's ok to feel sorry, but not looking to the cause of pain. and now I'm confronted with the pain and I need to face it. it's not like facing fears, cause God's love casts out all fear. but it brings back the pain of feeling used, feeling dishonored, feeling worthless.
and now thinking what to write down about it, I see Jesus crying with me. Knowing He was there is just helping me so much. His grace is enough in this pain as well. The wrong seeds that were planted a while ago were really deep, so deep that it felt like my heart was breaking into pieces. but now I see that Jesus is bringing these pieces together again. Healing is never something you're not aware of, I'm fulling experiencing it. It's not easy. I do feel that I finally am getting closure. I'm not there, but I feel that His grace is making a beginning, planting a new seed, of a white rose, of restored purity. and one day that flower will blossom...

[mlg]

Hi littlesongbird...working through the pain...it begins with forgiveness...and allowing yourself to finally let go...think of it this way...Linus in charlie brown always carried around his security blanket...and that's because he felt his blanket would keep him safe..yet as we know over time that blanket probably became worn and tattered after much dragging and linus had to get a new blanket...well sis that is how your pain is...you've worn it so long it feels like you know nothing more...yet over time it's become worn and tattered and now it's time to let it go so you can allow God to make you new and fresh in Him...so your growth in Him can continue.

luv ya