Christianity Oasis Forum

[Vessel of Honour]

Thanks Everyone for your replies and your prayers We need them.

I know that the fight I had with my husband was stupid stuff, that's what makes it so frustrating. I'm hurt and frustrated and it seems like I can't be myself and especially when I'm blamed for everything that goes wrong in his life.

Yes, He's always seeking to see if I love him, it gets a little overbearing at times. OK I can see that he has "HURT" issues as well. But, doesn't he see how hard, how very hard I try? Not to pat myself on the back but I'll usually put him before myself. I'm trying to keep a clear picture of all this, he does a lot of things for me too. I don't want to give the impression that he doesn't. Somethings wrong somewere that's for sure. His stuff gets done first and if there's time and energy to do my stuff, then I will do that as well. What I am trying to say is: I need to know too that I'm loved by him also when I make a mistake. That doesn't usually happen.

As far as the sandwich goes, sure he has a right to change his mind and It was nice that he thought of me. What I was upset about was Don't you remember the trauma you put yourself and myself through when you called me and blamed me for not having your lunch with you. And now all that doesn't matter you just want to eat something else???? What is this? step all over me I don't matter? Now I know that sounds a little harsh but basically that is what I was feeling when he was going through his trauma on the phone and blaming me. Logically it doesn't even make sense. Why would I purposely have him forget his lunch, so that he could put me down and yell at me blaming me Hello? Oh by the way, when he goes through his verbal trauma, frustrations about other things come out as well. usually it is about other issues that we differ on.

I think what gets me is that fact that he really doesn't know me, he knows very little about me after 25 years that's pretty sad. I know that only God can know us totally. But a husband is supposed to know his wife, and take some interest in knowing her and not make her feel like that would be too much trouble to do. We don't communicate very much, that is a big problem and it causes problems also.

I find it very difficult not to feel unloved, unwanted, worthless and condemned when he comes down on me. I know no marriage is perfect, I'm not looking for perfection. What I am looking for is the ability and freedom to be myself, and to be the best I can be for my mate and of course for the Lord. This would include to be appreciated, forgiven, before the offense-(understanding) as well as friendship and of course love. Maybe only Jesus can do that, but isn't the husband supposed to love his wife like Jesus loves the church? I have never known how to stop allowing him to pull my chains. One thing I do know about that is when he pulls, it still hurts! I must say the Holy Spirit has recently helped me to take steps in: not condemning myself.

May 7, 2010 - Well moving on

I just read step #2
I know that I have a ton of weeds in this :garden of my mind". To be honest in the natural I do not like gardening all the dirt and the crawly bugs yuck! Really glad that I'm NOT being sent outside to do that kind of gardening.


BUT I gotta do what I gotta do so here it goes, By God's Grace

I know one of the big weeds (which by the way I found out a few years ago a weed can grow up and look like a tree) Is the fact when I get hurt, I take it very personally. Up until recently, I would go through a BIG self-condemnation trip which could last days. Usually brought on by my husband's disapproval of me, or one of his tantrums. I have also had some unforgiveness towards myself which the Holy Spirit has shown light on. He is working on me about that, as I learn how to forgive myself.

One of the things I have a problem understanding is when the "Dumper" dumps a ton of garbage on a supposedly loved one - the "Dumpee" HOW COME the dumper expects the dumpee not to STINK? It hurts and it hurts bad and it Stinks bad. The dumpee hasn't even had time to clean-up. And they are expected to smell like a field of roses with in seconds?

Not taking things personally is a Big challenge for me. When you say something about someone, or to someone, you are supposed to mean what you say. I have always taken things very literally, even when I was a kid. It has brought me into big problems and troubles. I don't know how else to be. Now if that's a weed - I'm not sure.

I try to treat my husband the way I think he would want me to. And also the way I think the Lord would want me to, must admit, it's been a struggle to get it right. In fact I think I try too hard and get in the way. One thing I am learning to do is to say to the Lord He (my husband) is your workmanship, not mine. That has helped somewhat and kept things in perspective, enabling me to keep my mouth shut.

The Lord will have to show me what weeds to pull out of this garden. Thank you Lord, you are the Great Gardener.

Please continue to Thank You.

Bye for now

[Dora]

Vessel

I hear you and feel for you. Praying for you right now.

A life like that must leave you feeling very lonely and even as if you're more of a slave than a partner.

Is there a reason he can't do some of these things for himself so that you have time for you?

If his words are emotional abusive, consider telling him you will not stand there and allow him to abuse you. If he calls and is yelling consider telling him you will talk to him later when he's calmed down and can treat you respectfully because you know he really doesn't want to say those things to you. Maybe he does, but it plants seeds with in him that he wants to be a better person.

Those weeds. I'll be praying God will reveal them to you as you go along. Sometimes we get so use to thinking something we don't realize it's a weed, it just seems to be truth. Glad to hear you are accepting His grace and not condemning yourself. That's huge sis! His grace is always sufficient.

[mlg]

Hi Vessel

I want to say sis that what others say about you or to you does not define who you are...It is what God thinks of you...and God within you that defines you. That is a seed of good fruit you need to plant in your garden after you make room for it by pulling a few weeds.

I see you mentioned how you think you know what hubby wants...and the way he expects you to act...but have you ever just asked him? Instead of guessing...ask what he wants...that will make it easier...maybe he doesn't want as much as you think he does...

Another thing sis...I notice you share a lot about the bad things in your marriage...but are there some good moments...some good times? If so...focus on the good more than the bad and you will see changes within you...it is your reaction sis...that you have to learn to control more...and with God's help you can.

I have a feeling you are a beautiful, kind, caring, loving woman...who just wants to please God and be what He wants...and if you do that sis...then your marriage will start to heal as well....

I continue to pray for you.



luv ya

[Vessel of Honour]

Step #3 Saturday (most of this was typed Saturday and finished Monday)

Thanks Everyone, I appreciate the replies. and the

God's Grace I'm so very thankful for His Grace. I have struggled with past sins. Sins after salvation. Stuff I'm not proud about, and never will be. I am thankful that God's Grace has brought me to this point He could have just thrown me away if he wanted to. I am sooooo glad that He didn't. Never-the-less there has been a struggle. Like I said previously, there has been great difficulty in forgiving myself and even loving myself. The Holy Spirit opened my eyes during a Bible study on these subjects, which basically stated if one does not forgive themselves and love themselves (in a Godly way that is), then they are denying what Jesus did on the cross for them. I don't ever want to deny Jesus and what he has done for me.

I will try to tell my husband that I will not allow him to speak to me in an abusive manner, sometimes that's not easy because he wants my attention, he wants me to get the point, and he labors over it. Sometimes on the phone, it is usually when he is in a jam at work (can be literally), he calls and I can tell right-a-way what's coming up next. He is a limo driver, and when he needs me to look up something on the internet and my progress isn't going the way he wants, or not fast enough, or whatever, that's when he starts yelling and complaining. I get so nervous that I start making mistakes and he yells the more. At times I just want to hang up on him. I have even said, "If you don't stop yelling, I'll hang up. I don't like to follow through on that because sometimes he's in traffic. I don't want anything bad to happen. I guess, I'll just stick to my guns (or sword) hang up and call him right back, after a minute or two? Hopefully, this might give him a moment to recoup and calm down.

I know that he really doesn't want to be this way and that he feels really bad afterwards, but don't try to convince me of that when it's going on. What I am looking for is some stability maybe it's emotional stability? I don't think that is wrong or too much to ask.

And certainly there are some wonderful things that he says and does for me. He does make me laugh. I don't want to come off as if he is a monster. He used to be one, but the Lord has given him a great deliverance from rage. I do appreciate all the Lord has done. I just get so hurt when he puts me down or miss judges me, that kind of thing. There are some important issues that we also do not agree on, that doesn't help either. I had a very profound thought the other day, about a week ago I know we love each other but I don't think we like each other. That's awful, don't you think? Maybe, I need to make a list of all the things I do like about him, that might help I think I might be too wrapped up in all this negative stuff, but I don't know how to react when he is hurting me with his words.

Maybe I should keep all my posts in the same place?

I won't be able to go on to step #4 until Monday
Talk to you all then.

[mlg]

Hey vessel...God's grace...it's so wonderful because it is through His grace we are able to offer grace to others. This means when the hubby says something that hurts...you can offer him grace as Jesus shows us when we hurt Him...oh how blessed we are.

I do agree that you need to tell hubby when he says stuff that hurts you...because he won't know...if you don't tell him. I don't know if hanging up on hubby is the right thing to do...but maybe if you tell him you are going to put the phone down and look for what he wants and when you find it you will pick the phone up again...this might help....or if hubby is yelling go ahead and lay down the phone until he has a moment to calm down...then you can pick it up again....but I'm not sure hanging up is the way to go as that is a tad harsh.

Sis...I will miss you til we see you again...but my prayers will be with you.

luv ya

[Vessel of Honour]

POURING OUT MORE OF MY HEART

Hi mlg,
Thank you for reminding me about OFFERING Grace to my husband. It is a healthy reminder of what the Holy Spirit has also been working on in my life. I have been known to be somewhat successful in doing this. I can tell by the results, BUT by no-means am I all that good at it, I have room for improvement because I have also been known to get too tangled up in what he says to me.

In the past, putting the phone down doesn't really work because I've done that, I can still hear him. When he finds out that I've put the phone down he gets angry about that. If I say I'll call you back and I don't get back to him fast enough, he'll call me back to see if I have the info. Sometimes, I might not understand what he's saying, that has caused problems as well he doesn't want to repeat himself, especially when he is pressured. What's girl supposed to do?

Perhaps I should tell him (when things are calm), that. "I will not listen to that kind of garbage whatever it takes. So please keep that in mind if I hang-up"? I think in a way, that's the only language he understands at times, even though, I am hesitant to do that, as I mentioned the other day.


Step #4 Monday (most of this was typed Monday and finished Monday)
I'm going to post this on Tuesday because there will be a jumble with no time between Monday and Tuesday. Hopefully, I'll get it straight soon.

Forgiving Yourself WOW The Holy Spirit has been working for years on me about this. He has been recently bringing this message home to me. I had mention this earlier in step #3 God is Awesome!

I never knew that guilt was actually self-pity Very Innnnnnteresssssssting.

As far as the forgiveness levels go I'm not sure where I am. Out of what was listed I would say I do forgive and forget to a degree. It is impossible to forget the offense BUT after forgiving it doesn't hurt as much and I can still pray for that person without a problem. I run into problems when the same offense is repeated over and over again, by the same person. It's like "When is this going to end?" I know that I do have to watch out for those weeds of unforgiveness, I know that they do like to pop up. A lot of times it's actual self-pity usually on a bad day. I do forgive, sometimes it takes a little longer, but I try to make it a habit to forgive as soon as possible. At least to say, when I remember, "Father, Help I'm willing to be willing".

There are people, whom I have forgiven (Christian friends). I no longer have any ties with them, not so much because of what they did but because of other circumstances which have transpired. Sometimes it is easier to forgive an acquaintance or stranger than a loved one. The acquaintances usually do not offend as harshly as a loved one can, I guess it is because we don't expect our loved ones to hurt us that badly.

I do not have a problem forgiving the people who are very close to me. Sometimes it's a weed maintenance thing. At other times it's a "time thing". Like in the case of my husband, sometimes I need a little or a little more time to get over it. Sometimes he just wants me to forgive him because it is scriptural and I am SUPPOSED to forgive him, and he expects the right attitude, right then and there

ya gotta give me a chance and a willing heart to boot.

Thank you for the

As for my husband, He seems to be a little more mellow the past couple of days. In fact I got one of those phone calls, where he needed me to look up something for him on the internet. I could tell by his voice that he was watching the way he was talking to me. It was very nice. I also let him know that I was happy about it.

Well, it's Tuesday and I am going to do step #5

[Vessel of Honour]

POURING OUT MORE OF MY HEART

No replies on step #4


Step #5 (Typed Tuesday and Posted Wednesday)

AHAHHHHH! the old blame trick!

I have had problems in the past with the old blame thing. I used to blame my mother for not being there for me (the way I wanted her to be). I've stopped that or should I say I've been aware of that and I boot it out as soon as I recognize it. But then I jumped from blaming her to rightfully blaming myself and taking responsibility for my troubles BUT in a condemning way and I did not truly forgive myself for years.

Revenge or vengeance is something that the Lord delivered me from the get go after receiving Salvation. I'm so glad that He did, it's an ugly spirit, well, they all are ugly that's for sure.

Now fear and trust (especially trusting the Lord), on the other hand that's been a biggie, but I know, it's not to big for God. I have miles and miles to go on those topics. My main fear has dictated many things to me and I've fallen for the lies.That is a fear of being totally alone. Not just alone, but old and alone. When I say old and alone, I mean OLD AND ALONE ISOLATED AND HELPLESS and anything else it could mean. Of course, I haven't been able to trust the Lord as I should, because I guess, I haven't been able to truly apply His Love in my life. (it seems like a viscous cycle fearing which leads to mistrusting, which leads to more fear and more mistrust, etc).

Yes, I've had my own anger problems it's gotten much better. I used to get depressed a lot. I know that depression is linked to anger. I try to watch out for it, for both. I know the Holy Spirit has helped me with anger tremendously. resentment and bitterness, and all that tried to get a hold of me. I had a time when I held my husband responsible for not having kids. I wouldn't tell him that, but that is what I felt to be the case, deep down inside. I think, I told him this once, but I didn't make it a habit to verbalize it. And of course I would get angry at myself and blame myself. That was a viscous cycle also. Well anyway, I try to make it a practice not to go to bed angry, especially when my husband and I have a fight. Sometimes when I kiss him good night it's like kissing a dead fish, (no response on his part). This used to get me upset, I would try to push past the fish and try to get a little more warmth from him. Most of the times I succeeded, and sometimes I didn't. When I didn't I'd just go to my room and leave it at that, or cry.

Grief Ahhhhhh! the vanity. Thank the Lord, He has brought me out of a lot of depression. About six years ago I didn't care if I lived or died and it showed, and if it didn't, I knew it was there. Thank God that weed is out, and by His Grace, it's staying out.

Hatred what can I say I really haven't hated anyone except myself. Again, the Holy Spirit has helped me tremendously on that one. I need to love myself correctly to be able to love anyone else. I know one can't give what one doesn't have.

So what's my problem, fear, fear of rejection, and fear of the future, and fear of losing loved ones through death, and fear of poverty, and fear of sickness I am selfish. I'm also going to say, I'm not going to own them any longer, by the Blood of the Lamb.

I'm going to read the section on fear before I post this.

WOW! I am glad to see something that I never really realized before

When fears come and bum-bard my mind I can combat them with God's Word. That's so simple I'm

I think what has happened is I would get so paralyzed by the fears that I couldn't let go of them. I know that fear is a spirit and I would rebuke it and quote the scripture but I needed to replace the fear with the truth of God's Word.

How Awesome!

On my way to read Step #6

[mlg]

Hey vessel, I am sorry sis...somehow your post must of got away from several of us...as I remember seeing it but being busy and thought I'd come back to it...but forgot....but that being said...here I am reading your shared thoughts for both days....

I see many issues that you are trying to work through...and I want to suggest that you make sure you give each problem adequate time for you to focus on how to overcome these things...take them one at a time...and don't try and group them all together. Also, don't forget changes don't happen overnight...so if you decide to work on something...but then find yourself getting caught up again in the same old habit you are trying to overcome...just be patient...and know that God loves you and knows that you are trying.

You mentioned the spirit of Fear that has been chasing after you...this comes from a lack of Faith in the Lord...so when you find yourself fearful...reach out to God and Trust that He has all things in His hands...and that He will carry you through.

Looking forward to day 6 with you sis.

luv ya

[deetu]

hi honour
When my husband gets frustrated, he starts to yell. When you point out that he is yelling and being unreasonable, he yells even more. BUT strange thing was, if I got so fed up and yelled back at him, he would change and be nice

I read a book that really help me to understand my husband. Especially why my husband and son don't get along well. It's called the Five Love Languages.

It's great that your husband is trying. Keep in good spirits

[momof3]

Heya Vessel...wow! i missed your post somehow too! Dont know how that happened..so...sorry bout that!

Sis, i think what the Holy Spirit is showing you is totally awesome. Those deep things we are afraid to show..afraid to admit...bringing them to the Light of Jesus..wow...there's so much healing in it when you know what it is He is healing by admitting they are there.

We are all born selfish, sis. We are all we know. We have our expectations and think everyone thinks the same or should know what we expect.

i still wanna ask if youve read The Love Dare? its an awesome tool that will shed more light on your marriage and how the Lord can heal it....check it out.

im praying for you sis..and look forward to watching and walking through the rest of this with you. God bless you, girl.

in Jesus,
love momo

[Vessel of Honour]

I am very thankful for all the responses and the encouragement Hugs to you all.

I haven't read "The Love Dare? I imagine that I could get if from the library? Right now I'm not working, and we are watching the pennies. I do not have a library card I'm not even sure where my library is but I sure can find out.

Step #6 (Typed Wednesday and Posted Friday, couldn't post this on Thursday)

WOW! Well this is amazing My very own Miracle Grow Chart. Oh, Lord help me!

Starting right now "I can do all things through Christ which Strengthens me".

I think this will help me a lot. I have been known to need structure, and this is definitely structured. I think finally By the Grace of God I'll be able to do this and be successful doing it. It's a good thing to have something in front of me, something that I can check off daily and see what kind of progress I am making.PRAISE THE LORD! I just realized It gives me something else to look forward to.

Hubby has been nicer the past couple of days I see the Lord working in him as well. He has been listening to christian tapes on the Blood of Jesus and how His Blood has washed away, in particular, condemnation. He has HAD a lot of battles with that. Oh Glory! (I said HAD by faith).


Thank You all for the and
to ALL

[mlg]

God is faithful to those who love Him...here you are at the miracle grow charts...wonderful tools in helping you stay focused on the Lord and growing with Him. We sometimes need help in being accountable...and the charts are just the right thing to do this for us. Just start out easy and make your goals attainable and you can add to it later.

Sis...I'm so excited that God is working on your hubby...you are working on your relationship with the Lord...and now He is able to begin touching your hubby as well. So awesome.

luv ya sis