Christianity Oasis Forum

[Christianity Oasis]

Please interpret these verses ...

1 Corinthians 7:4-5 ... The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

Then please answer this question ...

Is it wrong for a husband or wife to hold back sex from their spouse?
If so, and this causes the neglected to sin ... Who is guilty in the eyes of the Lord?

Any tips on what can be done to end this vicious cycle?

Please share.

Luv ya

[Tam]

Good question Oasis.....

I would love to hear the answer to this question as I am one of those that withholds from my husband. He tells me that he knows that he can count on sex 3 times a year and that is about it.
He told me that when we got married that He was not marrying me for the sex but because that he loved me. He says he understands why...but would like the intimace al little more.

So is it wrong to withhold from your husband?

I suppose that if you are looking for a guilty party, I would be the guilty one here.

[Christianity Oasis]

Perhaps the question "If so, and this causes the neglected to sin ... Who is guilty in the eyes of the Lord?" should be reworded ...

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

How about ... Under such conditions, what do you believe God (who judges HEART of every matter) deems to be the SOURCE or ROOT of the cause as to why the neglected party sought to seek sexual pleasure elsewhere or by other means?

And Tam ... I am not sure this question is applicable to you, unless your husband is being forced to seek elsewhere because of the three times a year limitations.

I use the word limitations cuz if'n I was married that would seem ... A lil less than I would have expected.

Nehhhhhhhh, a LOT.

I am thinking three times a week at least ... Is closer to what up, but I hear married folks kinda start distancing their sexual encounters after a few years.

Sounds like they need to have a lil heart to heart talk if ya ask me, but trends will be trends which are acquired by media and whispers of what is in the life of others who followed said trends.

That does NOT mean that is the way it is supposed to be tho, does it?

One curious thing tho ... Your shared words did make me ponder on something ... Are not BOTH the husband and the wife being neglected, despite the reasoning for the lack of sex and even the one saying "NO" or however that works (I have seen the ole "sleep on the couch" thannnnnnng on television, but I would never ask that of or follow the command thereof) may be seeking to release in diff forms as well.

Is not the one saying NO, adding to their own demise?

Is it not NATURAL to want to make love to the person you are married to?

Is it not natural instincts within us?

Or is sex supposed to be (Biblically speaking) merely a babymaking procedure?

I mean read closely what is shared friends ...

1 Corinthians 7:5 ... Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

It sounds like a husband and wife SHOULD be taking care of one another.

Now, I realize that in many cases past trauma may be a factor, but at either rate ...

It just seems to me that HEALING must take place as to be able to abide by the above Scripture, lest SATAN get a foothold in the lives of one or both parties, huh?.

This can only be accomplished by straight up communication and sharing of feelings between what is supposed to be SOUL MATES (You know, two become ONE)

What do you rascals and rascalettes think?

Luv ya

[mlg]

I'm gonna share a bit in hopes of helping someone else here....but this is a very tender subject as the reason my marriage ended was because my ex did in fact seek sexual pleasure elsewhere. Now...mind you at the time neither one of us knew what a Biblical marriage was about because neither of us knew Jesus...but that being said...here goes:

My ex and I had sex often...many times a week...throughout our marriage...up until about the last year or so...when he started drawing away from having sex and wanting to sleep on the couch. I figured it was a phase...as every marriage goes through a phase and we had been together for 9 years....but what ultimately happened....is that with me allowing his phase instead of trying to work through the problems of why he wanted to sleep on the couch etc...he still had sexual needs that he needed to be fulfilled...now during this time of him sleeping on the couch...he would only come to have sex like once a week instead of the many times a week we were used to...therefore the need was still there throughout the rest of the week for him to want to fulfill the lust within...and he ultimately was tempted by someone else because his desires weren't being fulfilled...yes this was his choice to sleep on the sofa etc...but I know as well that I was at fault knowing he enjoyed sex more than once a week...and I wasn't insisting on more.

So I will end with this...as Oasis said...and husband and a wife should take care of the sexual needs of one another...as this is pleasing to the Lord for both to be one in all things.

[lizzie]

So many questions Im not married but i can give a singles point of view. Well mine at least

Is it wrong for a husband or wife to hold back sex from their spouse?
YAH... id say it is. Also sex isnt a tool to be used to get stuff from ur mate cuz i hear friends sayin all the time that they arent gonna have sex with their husbands till he does this or that. Its part of the covenant both parties entered into in the sight of God and man. So not only would one be neglecting their vow to partner, but also their vow to God as He is also part of this covenant of marriage IMHO.

If so, and this causes the neglected to sin ... Who is guilty in the eyes of the Lord?
The sinner, the one who chose to sin, still remains guilty if u ask me. I dont see this as an excuse for cheating either as I dont believe in the 'you made me do it' thing.

Is not the one saying NO, adding to their own demise?
Yes for sure. Doesnt the bible say if one cant control their passion to get married? Well what happens when one does get married and they still cant express their passions cuz their partner doesnt want to? So yeah, if one is not willing to participate in the sexual area of their covenant with their partner, then they are contributing to the breakdown of their relationship.

Is it not NATURAL to want to make love to the person you are married to?
Yes id say it is (tho ive never been married) but im thinkin if you married him/her its cuz you luved em and therefore would want to be physically intimate with them also.

Is it not natural instincts within us?
Yes Indeedy

Or is sex supposed to be (Biblically speaking) merely a babymaking procedure?
Negatory. I dont believe that at all. Its prob the main reason for it, but not the only one. Sex unites both people in the marriage. One can limit it to the physical unity, but it does go beyond that. It unites two souls in Love. Ive heard it said that each time a couple, under the the Covenant of marriage, have sex, they are renewing their vows to each other, the promises they made to each other.



Also agree that past can hinder this area in relationships. For example, for me the thought of having sex OUTSIDE of a covenant is a turn off. Cuz from past I know the consequences of this and how it has affected my life to this day and I have no desire to repeat it. So for me casual sex is, and has been for years, out of the question. It is reserved for my Soul Mate, within a Covenant approved and willed of God.

So I can understand people who have been thru sexual abuse may have difficulty being intimate with their partners. But love is powerful stuff...

[lizzie]

oh i just saw the reworded one

Under such conditions, what do you believe God (who judges HEART of every matter) deems to be the SOURCE or ROOT of the cause as to why the neglected party sought to seek sexual pleasure elsewhere or by other means?

Again, if one party in the covenant of marriage is not fulfilling part of their end of the agreement, then yeah, their decision can influence the other person's actions. Again i dont think its an excuse to be unfaithful, as if this is something that needs to be brought up by the one who is being neglected and unfulfilled and worked out in the relationship, even if that means marriage counseling or whatever.

Im thinking, if one witholds sex from their partners, what the one being neglected must imagine. It must bring up a lot of insecurities within them as to whether they are attractive to, or even loved by, their spouse.

[xxJILLxx]

good questions!

do i think its wrong to with hold sex.. i think that every situation is different and a "one fits all" tag should not be applied. With that being said lemme elaborate a lil of my experience and why i withheld from my husband and why i think it was wrong of me to do so.

My ex-husband was and still is addicted to porn, with that being said i mean first thing he did in the am was porn, last thing he did in the night was porn, any chance he could get even on the job would take magazines and books with fantasies. When my husband got home from work he would take his dinner plate with him to what he called "his dungeon" and spend the rest of the evening up there, i did try to go sit up there with him, but i felt i wasnt wanted there. But it seemed after i was asleep at 2 am he finaly comes downstairs then to have sex with me. So your darn right after being hurt, neglected, unloved, i began to withhold from him.. because i wasnt attracted to the man i had married anymore. He turned into someone i didnt know and didnt want to be around. Thoughts of "Can he only have sex with me after he watched porn?" or this one" i must not be what he wanted or he wouldnt want to look at all those girls."

Do i think i should of withehld under those circumstances knowing what i know today? I think i could of went about it a different way and could of maybe resolved some of the issues i had if i just would of talked to him about how i felt. And we could of tried counseling not saying it would of worked, but at least i would be more at peace with the whole situation. I do know now that i made the right decision in seperating myself from him because he wasnt willing to change and still isnt willing to change. So i do now have peace about that.

but to withold just because out of spite... or just because u feel like being mean and want the upper hand in the situation.. i think that is wrong.

Gb
♥Jill

[Dora]

Here's a thought for you...

To those marrieds who struggle with lack of passion with in the marriage, ask for passion. Pray about your feelings towards one another. The Holy Spirit knows passion. There is non more passionate, I am certain about that. His passion is Holy. He created marriage and sex so there should be no shame is seeking His blessing on this, including your thoughts and desires towards your spouse. If it is your spouse who has bottled his/her desire for what ever reason, pray for the Holy Spirit to release the desire with in him/her towards you. After all, it is with in His will.

[hopenconfidence]

After reading your thoughts about withholding sex in a marriage, I must say that being single is difficult for I want to find that affection as many married couples have. My problem is that when I think that there a guy out there for me, I find out that he wants someone better. Recently, I've went on an online dating site and had the chance to speak to a guy who lives in a different state. Since I'm 30, I don't want any "games" so I thought me and this guy would hit it off. We texted one another for about a month or more until the other day when I saw him on the same dating website. I normally check to see if any other guy sends me anything so I check it periodically but the point was that when I spoke to this guy, I wouldn't get on that website figuring he could be the one. Boy, was I ever wrong! I found him on there so instantly, my thoughts were that he was finding someone better.

I don't get it. How am I suppose to not withdraw from sex in a marriage when I face things like that? I know this isn't on the topic but I needed to say something. It breaks my heart how couples can't work out their differences to make their marriage work especially in the sex area. Don't get me wrong for I understand there are difficulties that can create a problem to where the couple has no choice but to separate. I'm talking about those who can work on it but refuse. It's like the person wants someone better than what he/she has so they look elsewhere and that irritates me for that is what I'm encountering right now. I feel like I'm worthless for the guy doesn't want to be with me and is afraid to be seen by my side. So when I read about marriage and withholding sex and not being there for one another. I think the couples should look back and discover through God of what they have and be thankful. Otherwise, they will be like me and afraid to even be in a relationship for no man wants to be around me.

I apologize but I'm still struggling with this issue for it happened recently. Please forgive me for thinking as I am but along with that issue, I'm dealing with other issues so my thinking is a little bit harsh right now. Don't get me wrong, I do understand those who had to separate for difficult situations but I'm looking at those who don't want to be together for the simple fact they don't want to play house anymore. So in my case, I won't be able to find the right guy for his heart will be already broken and won't want someone like myself thinking there is someone better out there. It hurts my heart.

Thanks for letting me vent,

hope

[Whisperingsprings]

what dating site were you on?

Was it a Christian site?

What you are finding isn't uncommon. Most men and women have different expectations. Did you or he verbally state that your friendship was to be exclusive?

Perhaps he was looking for a friend more than anything else.

If this is he case, then I think it's okay for him to return to the site and continue to meet other women and men. This response isn't meant or intended to shut you down by any means. It's just that men and women really don't think or process information the same way at all.

[hopenconfidence]

Whispering, thanks for responding, sis.

To answer your question, yes it is a Christian dating website but I much not rather reveal the name for name purposes (or something like that). I understand what you are saying about having friends. Surprisingly, he wants a relationship but of course, as I stated on my part, that I don't want games and to take things slow. Perhaps it's just me when it comes to relationships for I don't know what I am suppose to do. As for him, he talks to me as if he wants a relationship but then when I see his pic on the site, I wonder what he is really thinking. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions but I've been hurt before so I don't want to go through it again. However, I'll do my best to talk to him without getting angry and hopefully, if he is the right guy then God will take care of it. Thanks for bringing that to my realization.

hope