Christianity Oasis Forum

[morningrain]

You ever realize and know many do, but realized that there is so much in your life that you need to work on, but for the longest time you just keep it all hidden away, you're not being real. The thing is you don't know where to begin. You want to be open and address this and address that and be able to really work on letting go and letting God take over. So when you sit and try to address one issue all other issues comes to mind and it all becomes so over whelming that you stop in your tracks and push it to the side all over again and keep everything all hidden all over again. That in turns sets off all kinds of other emotions, you wander if it will ever end.

This in itself is an addictive behavior, one thing I've always hated was admitting being an addict to anything.

I've never been to a face to face Na meetings but have attended a few NA meetings online even online off and on I'd have a hard time say hi, my name is and I'm an addict from so and so. Plus I've found I always find a reason when I have attended in the past to an online NA meeting why its not for me.

To be fully honest I'd chicken out if I had to go face to face.

Reminding myself of this today now. with God all things are possible.

[realtmg]

Hi sis.
Look at it like this...............
Use the words "Recovering Grateful___________.

You know............. Paul use to kill Christians but he did not say he was still a murderer. He saw the light and changed.
We all have a past and we are not to dwell in it. We are to lay things out in the open as they are. The ones who never say anything negative about themselves nor their lives are the ones I am weary of. The Are hiding something because No One is perfect.

I'm not what you called healed just yet, but, I'm not scrounging around looking for a bottle I hid last night or worried how I'm gonna get through today unless I find "something" to get me trough the day or ease the pain within.

The AA Big Book calls it "A mental Obsession"
So what.............. we all have our little quirks. At least we are alive and are able to have internet and be able to post here and for that I am grateful.

Five minutes ago, I was just asking about our Storm, to a person here locally who knows about him.
I asked, I wonder if he is back in the hospital or if he has Overdosed.
Now............. I love that guy. If I knew i could find him; I'd get on a plane to England just to put my arms around him and see he was still breathing. But, I have to allow God to do things for me that I can't do.

It is very hard on me to post and express things most of the time. I have to make myself do it. I always in the past have bottled up my feelings only to find that i was making myself sicker.

Oasis himself knew I was a drunk and addict when he called me into God's pasture. God told him to because God knew that there would be people who could relate to ole Real.

I no longer care who likes me or likes what I say. I am to please HIM and not man. I am here to listen and give my 2 cents worth.

I've seen many come and go.
Actually........... I just emailed Sylvia at her email address and told her i posted for her in overcoming the world forum. Her last email to me was how her church members were so loving and caring; helping her go though what she is going through.

Not one Bible character had a good past. God always called the ones that had a rough past.
I admire people who do not have the problem I do and deal with. They just don't know what we have to deal with.
But........... God molds us sometimes with fire as gold is refined. Our character becomes better when we begin to get honest with ourself and others.

My life today is not perfect but at least I can say it isn't like it once was.
I know many a preacher, doctors, and lawyers who are recovering addicts.
We are gonna have some bad thoughts from time to time. What we do with them is what counts. DO NOT keep them to yourself and entertain them. Tell someone because you just never know who you might help.
Allow God to use the bad of our lives for His good.

You have come along way as in opening up in the forums. I can remember when you would just PM me your thoughts and what was going on. So............. Good on ya!

I appreciate your willingness to share as I am just as you are. You have helped me whether you know it or not.

God Bless you my sister and may you feel the Peace that passeth all understanding.


Luv Ya

Real

[mlg]

I love the both of you a lot. I have prayed for you both many times...as I have not suffered from the addiction that you go through...but have had my own addictions of different types...and I know how I have to fight continually to keep from letting my past addictions come back to the forefront. It takes a daily renewal and sometimes hourly or down to mere minutes....but whatever it does take..it's worth the fight to be able to say...thank you Lord we made it through one more minute, hour or day sober of the addiction.

Keep trying...never give up trying...as long as you are trying...there is Hope.

luv you two

[vahn]

Hey angel

Was fishing for words or a term as to how to start this reply . Well , how about this one .

Congratulations ! . You just got done admitting . In my book anyway . See ? It wasn't as hard as you thought it would be huh ? We just make it hard-er on ourselves don't we ?

Besides the book Alcoholics Anonymous , which outlines the program of recovery through the 12 steps , there is also a sister book called Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions , in which , it elaborates and expands the steps we take on the road to recovery .
In that book , the first sentence , on the First step , in the fist chapter , it says " Who cares to admit complete defeat ? - Practically no one - " especially the alcoholic/addict .
That was the page my sponsor opened , when I told him about my difficulty(s) saying that . He placed his finger on the "no one" part and said "That includes , and means you as well" , then after a short (though at the time seemed a half a day) sermon/lecture bout pride and ego and how "big-er" I think I am (yep you guessed it -ego deflation) , he moved his finger across the page and placed it on the first two words of the sentence and said "Who cares !"

Before I could say another word , he flipped the pages to the Fifth step and asked me to read it that at loud . It says "We admitted to God , to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs" , He stopped me and says , "Do you see where you're going wrong here ? First of all it is not asking you to admit what you HAD DONE wrong , it is simply asking us to admit the NATURE of it . And second , look at the order that the admission is put in , we admit to God FIRST , then OURSELVES , and the "Another human beings comes last doesn't it ?"

Where did I establish a personal relationship with God ? Through the steps !
Where did I get introduced to the Steps ? Through the book !
Where did get introduced to the book ? Through my sponsor !
Where did I find my sponsor ? Through the meetings !
Why was I at a meeting ? Because I knew (admitted to myself) I was an alcoholic/addict
How did I end up at the meeting ? I asked GOD !


In Christ , our Lord
luv ya

[Dora]

Hi ya sister.

Don't you wish you could share in a corner of the site where very few would really read what you share. So to hide. Where only those that need to hear what we have to say will read. Kinda of a flaw in that thinking. I'm thinking it reveals that there's guilt being carried necessarily. As well as a desire to hide our humanness.

In one of the posts here I heard the word relate. And I thought, yeah! That's what it is, relationships. To hear someone say, I've been there brings relief. All of a sudden we don't feel like we are in uncharted territory. Someone has already been down this path and can help guide us. What a relief it brings to the soul.

The mental confusion I can relate to. I sometimes wonder if half of what I post makes any since because there is so much going on inside my mind at times. This problem leads to thoughts about this other problem which results in thoughts on this other problem and it's just to over whelming.

Nearly every time you share I see how we are even more alike and I relate to what you have to say.

[morningrain]

I've been thinking how to respond all afternoon. Hubby's birthdays today wasn't able to get him anything and we didn't really do anything but I made him a dinner I knew he really like. That and kids coming in after school everyone has had me hoping back and forth, up and down. Trying to get my thoughts back in order here.

Thanks for your 2 cents Real.

Sort of made a decision maybe a week ago or little more I'm gonna truly try to be more open and work through some things and not allow myself to draw away from everyone weeks or months at a time and keep everything so tightly hidden.

You're so right on that thought about how Oasis called you into God's pasture knowing what he knew. God calls us to come to Him just as we are, and as you said, He molds and shapes us, and through the fire as gold is refined .until He is able to see His reflection.

I want to respond more

Hi Vahn .. shhhhh I've taken this step before, its making it past this step and the actual talking part, openly that is, where so many can see and stuff, that I can't seem to get.

As you most likely know the NA adopted AA's material, the 12 steps and all. Being I've never being to a f2f meeting I've never had a sponsor or have worked the 12 steps. Does it count if I've read through them a few times?

My addiction well isn't what it use to be. I've popped a pill once in the past few weeks and it was for the wrong reason, but outside of that, I've stayed away for a few months. Some months ago I realized I was about to let myself get back out of control. It's constantly on my mind and I keep some to the side just so I know I have them. I just keep telling myself know. Sometimes though, nope, I tell myself one isn't going to hurt. Then if I don't watch myself it turns to two , then three. Then next thing I know it becomes about the high. And well you know how that goes.



Thank you so much mlg, love you to sis!

Don't you wish you could share in a corner of the site where very few would really read what you share. So to hide. Where only those that need to hear what we have to say will read. Kinda of a flaw in that thinking. I'm thinking it reveals that there's guilt being carried necessarily. As well as a desire to hide our humanness.

Pine, you think CO would open up a corner for just that reason? LOL I can already here the word No.

Nearly every time you share I see how we are even more alike and I relate to what you have to say.

Ohhh my heart goes out to you Sis.

I actually have a lot more to say but my time is out for now.

Love you all for responding.

[mlg]

If we see you beginning to try and draw away...can we come find you, to help you stay accountable?

luv ya

[Dora]

I keep some to the side just so I know I have them.

I was given a prescription for xanax nearly a year ago now. I carefully cut those little pills in half and scooped up even the dust particles and placed them back in the bottle. I've taken very few so to make sure I have them in case. Just the thought of one makes me thirsty for one. The name even sounds so pleasant to me. A months prescription extended to nearly a year for fear I may use them then need them. I should dump them. But I can't. And I'd never tell anyone else to and I'd never tell anyone where I have them. But I won't take them cause I might just need them. It's like hoarding gold. Maybe some hoard chocolate bars this way. But i think they eat it cause they can just get more. I can't get more, legally. At one time the drive to have more was so strong thoughts of illegally getting them plagued my mind. Sad, but true. It just goes to show the strength of addiction.

[vahn]

Angel wrote

I've never had a sponsor or have worked the 12 steps. Does it count if I've read through them a few times?

NO ! might as well ask "Does it count if I just read the Bible ?" And expect to grow wings and don a halo just because we read it !



In Christ , our Lord
luv ya

[realtmg]

Pine?
Are they the blue, orange or white ones?

Just had to say it!

Luv ya


Real

[Dora]

Real....moving on

Angel I don't have a sponsor yet either.
I know they keep saying get one and that I have no excuse.
I do have a gal that I'm going to ask to be a temporary and now that you've posted on this..I'm going to ask today.

My sister loves the NA groups she says better than the AA. Just a thought I thought I'd toss out there. To each his/her own.

Love ya sister

[morningrain]

Well it's completely out of the question for me to make any meetings. So a sponsor i'll not be able to get. I'll encourage anyone though to make it to meetings if possible.

Pine at the moment i have darvocets and hydros, before i had perocet, before that i kept on hand oxycodone, not many. That sunds like a lot but thats been over maybe a course of 6 months mainly. Might sound silly or a little stupid but for helping me sleep i do use benadryl antihistamines, figure be better then using sleeping pills and its not habit forming.

The way i've used the pain killers are not a whole lot for pain but for when anxiety and panic would kick in pretty bad and used them as a way of calming myself. As a way of being better able to hid whats going on with me from everyone around me.


Real dear brother, ...no comment



Vahn you said, "NO ! might as well ask "Does it count if I just read the Bible ?" And expect to grow wings and don a halo just because we read it !"

Thats very very true.
Seriously though. i have read and have taken the heart the 12 steps of NA.

1. Admitted we were powerless over (what ever your affliction) and that our lives were unmanageable....

I've realized i'm powerless, yet i still tend to try to do things on my own and take recovery into my own hands. Not always I'll go to God but then somewhere shortly after i'm good at going back doing it on my own. Canstantly saying to the Lord, Forgive, and help me.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Believe this with all my heart, its just letting fully go and letting God.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God (as I understood him).

Finaly yes, but do tend to slip at times and have to go back.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

constantly...

5. Admitting to God, to ourselves and another human beings the exact nature of wrongs.

Yes, just now for the first time, i'm trying to be more open and stopp trying to go and hid everything.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

I want to say YES YES to that, but truth be known, i'm tired and yes i'm ready but still haven't fully figured out how to let go and let God. Can say though over the past few months i've been learning a more vauble lesson. Be still and know God is God. Because i can look back and see how God has worked in my life and has always been there even in times i've stepped away from Him. So i know i can hold on to the promise Jesus made, He'll never leave us nor forsake us. At the same time though i draw away at times and place more lean on the pills when i should Christ. Which is soo wrong.

7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.

constantly...

8. Made a list of persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Can't say i've done that.

9. Made direct amends to such people except when to do so would injure others.

no

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

constantly even when something isn't my fault and 'm constantly feeling the need to say i'm sorry.

11. Sort through, pray and mediation, to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand him, praying only for knowledge of his will for use and the power to carry that out.

constantly almost, there are times it gets hard to pray but then i usually cry to God and just know he knows.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of this step. We tried to carry this message to those that still suffer. And to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Spiritual Awakening, yes, as to the steps, no.

anyway...